This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
Just think about that. I'm going to run lines...
[An Hour Later]
I've been in the TLM lab killing time for the last little while. I decided that, rather than actually doing something constructive, I'd just start tagging my posts again. Had a system worked out and everything...
But, most of the posts I edited had to do with Nathan. I didn't think that would be as hard as it was.
Anyways, it's snowing like crazy, and I've got class, so I'm heading off. We'll see what happens next.
If you're going to screw it up, do it BIG... people will think you're doing it on Purpose.
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
February 21, 2007
February 2, 2007
...
So, what should have been a 10 minute check of my email, facebook and...well, whatever, wound up being 2 hours of Amnesty International and Click to Donate.
GAH.
That's all for now.
GAH.
That's all for now.
January 17, 2007
I'm so angry, I feel nothing.
You know what? I realized something tonight. Something big and really important.
No one runs after me when I'm upset.
The sad, sad thing is, I actually WAIT for people to come after me, but no one ever does.
I don't know if everyone thinks I'll just be ok, or if people think I'm just having another "episode", or if I'm just some big dumb drama queen... I really don't know. I really don't care. I get upset, and people just wait for it to pass. Other people get upset, and I run after them.
I'm at the point, sitting here tonight, where I'm actually willing to say "fuck you all". And mean it. Know why? because people have gotten a little too cold for me. People are really willing to just let it be. I never wanted to be that way, but now it's too taxing not to be.
The other night, I was on ZetaChannel, and the question of "what do you want, and what would you sacrifice to get it?" came up. There was a moment where I thought this, and it made me so miserable, I can't even find words to express it: "I would give up pickles for the rest of my life if someone would tell me I was pretty." Tonight, I realized I'd give up on everyone to not be the peacekeeper anymore. I'd give the ability to walk if someone would come after me when I'm sick or sad or upset. How pathetic am I?
I just... I can't even find words right now. all I can think is things like bone crush grind smash... even kill is too tame. there's not enough depth to it. there's not that satisfying... kah;gia8w [ohtgfao;wsiejhtfdo[vasrdhtg [oeiahrsyb[voae'is that goes with it.
I want to be violent and rage and tear peoples skin off.
Now I know how she feels.
No one runs after me when I'm upset.
The sad, sad thing is, I actually WAIT for people to come after me, but no one ever does.
I don't know if everyone thinks I'll just be ok, or if people think I'm just having another "episode", or if I'm just some big dumb drama queen... I really don't know. I really don't care. I get upset, and people just wait for it to pass. Other people get upset, and I run after them.
I'm at the point, sitting here tonight, where I'm actually willing to say "fuck you all". And mean it. Know why? because people have gotten a little too cold for me. People are really willing to just let it be. I never wanted to be that way, but now it's too taxing not to be.
The other night, I was on ZetaChannel, and the question of "what do you want, and what would you sacrifice to get it?" came up. There was a moment where I thought this, and it made me so miserable, I can't even find words to express it: "I would give up pickles for the rest of my life if someone would tell me I was pretty." Tonight, I realized I'd give up on everyone to not be the peacekeeper anymore. I'd give the ability to walk if someone would come after me when I'm sick or sad or upset. How pathetic am I?
I just... I can't even find words right now. all I can think is things like bone crush grind smash... even kill is too tame. there's not enough depth to it. there's not that satisfying... kah;gia8w [ohtgfao;wsiejhtfdo[vasrdhtg [oeiahrsyb[voae'is that goes with it.
I want to be violent and rage and tear peoples skin off.
Now I know how she feels.
January 3, 2007
The Sparky's-Freaking-Out-o-meter: 8.5
So, in approximately 24 hours, I will be on the road, heading back to North Bay.
And I'm filled with an overwhelming feeling of dread.
I did some banking today, and realized that at present, I'm $30 short on my (overdue) rent. Now, to be honest, my last cheque from Richardsons will go in tonight at Midnight, so I should have about $150 to play with, but... Wow. I've never really felt this poor before.
I'm kinda freaking out about it all. Coming back this January is almost like starting over in September: I have to hunt for jobs and housing. I have to sort out my classes (I haven't even gotten my grades from last term yet). I have to somehow start making money. Fast. And Lots of it.... I really don't know what I'm going to do. If I was doing this on my own, I'd be screwed right now. I mean, I'm just... terrified. I hate the idea of looking for a new place to live, because I've never had to do that before, and all I hear about is crappy landlords and leases from hell, leaky cielings and... arg. I understand that change is a part of life, and it's inevitable and all that, but that doesn't mean that I can't be scared about it. And mom's talking about it like it's nothing... Unless she's panicking about having to pay rent over the summer.
It's not really a huge deal. I mean, really, it isn't. We're all poor, after christmas, everyone is. And it's not like I need $5,000 right now today... I'll get OSAP when I get back, and I"ll get my income tax return in March. I just really, really, REALLY hate feeling like I've got nothing. I like to have money to do things. I like to be able to go out and buy my friends a beer. I like being able to do this, and my sister does it all the time. She works part time at a gym (has for a while now), yet she's always going out, and doing things, and buying stuff... I know that not all of that money is hers. I know it's not necessarily true, but sometimes it feels like when I want to do things, and I need to ask for help (which I also hate doing... I'd rather live in the woods for a month with nothing but a tent and a cocktail dress...), it seems like there's just not enough to go around.
That, and I'm starting to feel the "save now" panic... Some financial analyst once said that every Canadian should have 3 months living expenses tucked away for an emergency. I agree, and I really, really want to have some cash banked so that if something comes up, I can at least handle it financially. Besides, one day, I am going to want to go on a vacation to the Bahamas, or Retire, or take time off to travel. Right now, I have gas money to get me to North Bay, and maybe enough change for a coffee along the way. 3 Months living expenses for me looks something like this:
3 months rent (assuming rent wherever I go next is...say $500.00, just to be even): $1,500
3 months utilities (phone, internet, whatever; call it $100/month): $300
3 months medication (lets pretend I still have insurance at this point, $70/month): $210
3 months groceries: $150
3 months gas (@ $40/month if I really stretch it): $120
...3 months bare essentials living expenses: $2280.00... which I'd probably want to round up to $3000, to cover incidental costs like car problems, extra medical problems, extra gas, and the panic of what happens if it's more than 3 months? And, if I'm out of school, throw $120/month car insurance on that, raise the medication to $200/month (yeah, I know), plus OSAP, VISA and Credit Line Payments...
HOW THE HELL DO PEOPLE DO THIS??? It doesn't really make sense, does it? It's really kind of terrifying, isn't it?
I do this every year, don't I?
I've gotten this crazy urge to go back over my old posts and throw lables on them, so I can reference old posts and things like that...So I guess I'll do that... then I guess we'll see.
And I'm filled with an overwhelming feeling of dread.
I did some banking today, and realized that at present, I'm $30 short on my (overdue) rent. Now, to be honest, my last cheque from Richardsons will go in tonight at Midnight, so I should have about $150 to play with, but... Wow. I've never really felt this poor before.
I'm kinda freaking out about it all. Coming back this January is almost like starting over in September: I have to hunt for jobs and housing. I have to sort out my classes (I haven't even gotten my grades from last term yet). I have to somehow start making money. Fast. And Lots of it.... I really don't know what I'm going to do. If I was doing this on my own, I'd be screwed right now. I mean, I'm just... terrified. I hate the idea of looking for a new place to live, because I've never had to do that before, and all I hear about is crappy landlords and leases from hell, leaky cielings and... arg. I understand that change is a part of life, and it's inevitable and all that, but that doesn't mean that I can't be scared about it. And mom's talking about it like it's nothing... Unless she's panicking about having to pay rent over the summer.
It's not really a huge deal. I mean, really, it isn't. We're all poor, after christmas, everyone is. And it's not like I need $5,000 right now today... I'll get OSAP when I get back, and I"ll get my income tax return in March. I just really, really, REALLY hate feeling like I've got nothing. I like to have money to do things. I like to be able to go out and buy my friends a beer. I like being able to do this, and my sister does it all the time. She works part time at a gym (has for a while now), yet she's always going out, and doing things, and buying stuff... I know that not all of that money is hers. I know it's not necessarily true, but sometimes it feels like when I want to do things, and I need to ask for help (which I also hate doing... I'd rather live in the woods for a month with nothing but a tent and a cocktail dress...), it seems like there's just not enough to go around.
That, and I'm starting to feel the "save now" panic... Some financial analyst once said that every Canadian should have 3 months living expenses tucked away for an emergency. I agree, and I really, really want to have some cash banked so that if something comes up, I can at least handle it financially. Besides, one day, I am going to want to go on a vacation to the Bahamas, or Retire, or take time off to travel. Right now, I have gas money to get me to North Bay, and maybe enough change for a coffee along the way. 3 Months living expenses for me looks something like this:
3 months rent (assuming rent wherever I go next is...say $500.00, just to be even): $1,500
3 months utilities (phone, internet, whatever; call it $100/month): $300
3 months medication (lets pretend I still have insurance at this point, $70/month): $210
3 months groceries: $150
3 months gas (@ $40/month if I really stretch it): $120
...3 months bare essentials living expenses: $2280.00... which I'd probably want to round up to $3000, to cover incidental costs like car problems, extra medical problems, extra gas, and the panic of what happens if it's more than 3 months? And, if I'm out of school, throw $120/month car insurance on that, raise the medication to $200/month (yeah, I know), plus OSAP, VISA and Credit Line Payments...
HOW THE HELL DO PEOPLE DO THIS??? It doesn't really make sense, does it? It's really kind of terrifying, isn't it?
I do this every year, don't I?
I've gotten this crazy urge to go back over my old posts and throw lables on them, so I can reference old posts and things like that...So I guess I'll do that... then I guess we'll see.
December 13, 2006
A-Pathetic?
Today, after I finished my super-easy Sociology exam and had a nice Chat with Meaghan, I noticed that one of the donation boxes for the Mattawa Shelter and the Transition House was still sitting out in the hallway. It was full of Donations.
So I sent out an email when I got to Larkin's house (2 mods of Arcanis lasting from shortly before I got there at 3pm to about 12:30am...), stating that someone should look into this, and that I'm still waiting for a response about what to do with the stuff still in my basement, and now in my Car. One class member offered up her storage-space, but no one has offered to help deliver donations. As I mentioned before, the Transition House simply doesn't have the space for the amount of stuff we collected (people are STILL approaching me asking if I'm taking stuff). I did get two emails back: one telling me that I "just keep going, and going, and going...", and the other addressed to everyone. It basically stated that they had gone to the Ojibway Women's Centre, and they didn't have storage either. So, she and another member of the class will be taking a "road trip" to Mattawa over the holidays to drop stuff off there.
I'm actually really concerned about what will happen to the rest of this stuff. I mean, looking at this realistically, the Mattawa Centre doesn't have a whole lot of space either. There are a lot of things that they're just not going to be able to take. People donated this stuff with the belief and understanding that all of the items would be donated to the Centres we discussed, and it's not happening. Also, I haven't heard anything about the Thank-You section in the Nugget yet... That greatly concerns me. There were a couple of places that only donated because they were assured the recognition (that they rightfully deserve) in the paper.
I don't know... The whole thing is just kinda disheartening. I thought people were really in this because they wanted to make a difference. Aparently, a lot of them really just wanted the grade. Congratulations are in order in that case: I don't think anyone (with 2 notable exceptions...) failed. Failed the class, that is.
I joke a lot about "You Fail At LIFE!!"... but things like this just really make me question whether you can actually fail 'life'. It's one thing to be a part of a regular class, make the grade and leave, but this... well, for me, it felt special.. It felt like something that we could really do, in the "real world", that would impact people. Lets face it, getting a 90% on a test, or an "A+", even a "D-" on a paper; it doesn't really effect anyone but you. I would have gladly taken a 50% in this class, if I knew that I'd made a difference for someone else out there. That's what makes things worthwhile for me: stepping back and saying, wow, I helped someone. I know that most people don't work this way, but it still makes me question... the whole "good people/bad people" debate. I don't know. It's late, and I"m frustrated and ranty. It just sucks to think that people can just walk away that easily... And it makes me think that maybe we shouldn't have given out the grades until after the project was completely finished, because some pepole aren't making good on promises they made that got them the grade that they got. People who said they'd turn up for the sorting part should have lost grades because the meeting got cancelled and no one questioned it, but the grades were already submitted at that point.
People in general get me. I just can't figure it out, and it really pisses me off. I hate being the only one that gives a damn... It's like swimming against the current all the time... eventually you just get too tired.
So I sent out an email when I got to Larkin's house (2 mods of Arcanis lasting from shortly before I got there at 3pm to about 12:30am...), stating that someone should look into this, and that I'm still waiting for a response about what to do with the stuff still in my basement, and now in my Car. One class member offered up her storage-space, but no one has offered to help deliver donations. As I mentioned before, the Transition House simply doesn't have the space for the amount of stuff we collected (people are STILL approaching me asking if I'm taking stuff). I did get two emails back: one telling me that I "just keep going, and going, and going...", and the other addressed to everyone. It basically stated that they had gone to the Ojibway Women's Centre, and they didn't have storage either. So, she and another member of the class will be taking a "road trip" to Mattawa over the holidays to drop stuff off there.
I'm actually really concerned about what will happen to the rest of this stuff. I mean, looking at this realistically, the Mattawa Centre doesn't have a whole lot of space either. There are a lot of things that they're just not going to be able to take. People donated this stuff with the belief and understanding that all of the items would be donated to the Centres we discussed, and it's not happening. Also, I haven't heard anything about the Thank-You section in the Nugget yet... That greatly concerns me. There were a couple of places that only donated because they were assured the recognition (that they rightfully deserve) in the paper.
I don't know... The whole thing is just kinda disheartening. I thought people were really in this because they wanted to make a difference. Aparently, a lot of them really just wanted the grade. Congratulations are in order in that case: I don't think anyone (with 2 notable exceptions...) failed. Failed the class, that is.
I joke a lot about "You Fail At LIFE!!"... but things like this just really make me question whether you can actually fail 'life'. It's one thing to be a part of a regular class, make the grade and leave, but this... well, for me, it felt special.. It felt like something that we could really do, in the "real world", that would impact people. Lets face it, getting a 90% on a test, or an "A+", even a "D-" on a paper; it doesn't really effect anyone but you. I would have gladly taken a 50% in this class, if I knew that I'd made a difference for someone else out there. That's what makes things worthwhile for me: stepping back and saying, wow, I helped someone. I know that most people don't work this way, but it still makes me question... the whole "good people/bad people" debate. I don't know. It's late, and I"m frustrated and ranty. It just sucks to think that people can just walk away that easily... And it makes me think that maybe we shouldn't have given out the grades until after the project was completely finished, because some pepole aren't making good on promises they made that got them the grade that they got. People who said they'd turn up for the sorting part should have lost grades because the meeting got cancelled and no one questioned it, but the grades were already submitted at that point.
People in general get me. I just can't figure it out, and it really pisses me off. I hate being the only one that gives a damn... It's like swimming against the current all the time... eventually you just get too tired.
November 26, 2006
Done.
I had a huge post on the topic at hand, but it was unexpectedly deleted when my computer overheated... So this is what I remember of what I said.
Shilly-Shallying is stupid. I'm sick and tired of waiting around. I've made my move, and nothing was done in return. Therefore, I'm making the attempt to move on. Colleen suggested that I start looking for something new, but I think it would be best for me to return to my previous way of thinking... I don't have time for the bullshit. I don't have time to wait. I really, really don't have the patience for indecision. I'm sick of being the leader... take ME by the hand for once, damn it.
Also, please, please PLEASE (and this is for everyone...) try to respect my decision to say no. When I say I can't make it to something, it's not because I'm trying to be a bitch and ruin your fun. It's because I'm really sick. And I'm really seriously tired. My body is beginning to deteriorate because of recent events (hence the hive/welt things for the last two days, and the flu that's lasted 3 weeks...), and when I tell you I can't do something, it's because I"m physically, mentally, emotionally, medically unable to do so. Don't guilt me. If you want to make me out to be the bad guy, fine... Whatever. I'll just walk away.
Oh, and if I say I'll do something, don't make me chase you for details. Don't make me call 500 times to get the where and when, and don't expect me to wait around. New rule: if you take more than an hour to get me the details, don't expect me to be there.
I have game tonight (which I do, actually, really want to do), I have a presentation and a final exam tomorrow and a test on Tuesday. Next Saturday, December 2nd, I may or may
be working at the SoS silent Auction (I need details on this, but I know that they're not confirmed yet...) and I will be a phone-operator for the Lions Children's Christmas Telethon from 10pm-11pm. I'm really looking forward to both of these things.
Cocktails and Cleavage is still schedualed for December 9th. All interested, please RSVP ASAP.
That's it for now. Sorry to vent, especially after such good things that have been happeneing, but I needed to say my peace.
Shilly-Shallying is stupid. I'm sick and tired of waiting around. I've made my move, and nothing was done in return. Therefore, I'm making the attempt to move on. Colleen suggested that I start looking for something new, but I think it would be best for me to return to my previous way of thinking... I don't have time for the bullshit. I don't have time to wait. I really, really don't have the patience for indecision. I'm sick of being the leader... take ME by the hand for once, damn it.
Also, please, please PLEASE (and this is for everyone...) try to respect my decision to say no. When I say I can't make it to something, it's not because I'm trying to be a bitch and ruin your fun. It's because I'm really sick. And I'm really seriously tired. My body is beginning to deteriorate because of recent events (hence the hive/welt things for the last two days, and the flu that's lasted 3 weeks...), and when I tell you I can't do something, it's because I"m physically, mentally, emotionally, medically unable to do so. Don't guilt me. If you want to make me out to be the bad guy, fine... Whatever. I'll just walk away.
Oh, and if I say I'll do something, don't make me chase you for details. Don't make me call 500 times to get the where and when, and don't expect me to wait around. New rule: if you take more than an hour to get me the details, don't expect me to be there.
I have game tonight (which I do, actually, really want to do), I have a presentation and a final exam tomorrow and a test on Tuesday. Next Saturday, December 2nd, I may or may
be working at the SoS silent Auction (I need details on this, but I know that they're not confirmed yet...) and I will be a phone-operator for the Lions Children's Christmas Telethon from 10pm-11pm. I'm really looking forward to both of these things.
Cocktails and Cleavage is still schedualed for December 9th. All interested, please RSVP ASAP.
That's it for now. Sorry to vent, especially after such good things that have been happeneing, but I needed to say my peace.
September 9, 2006
Slight Inhebriation
Booze doesn't do the same things to me anymore. I used to get sloppy and emotional. Now, I just get frustrated and hostile. I don't know if this is a good thing or not, but it's better than dramatics and tears.
I need to learn when to just shut up and let people talk. I think my problem is that I don't like seeing people I "care about" (people around me) stuck. I believe that there are solutions to difficult problems, but that you have to want the solution more than you loathe the process. So, when someone starts talking about why they can't get a job, not because of qualifications, but because of personal politics, I tend to leap in with "well, why haven't you tried..." And that's not always the best solution, nor is it always what people want to hear. And some people you just can't help: they have to either figure it out on their own, or gain the experiance of being shot down a time or two before they can get where they need to go. You really do need to hit bottom before you can look up, and you can't let those on their way to their own personal bottom bring you back down.
Sometimes drunk talk makes me tired. Math makes me tired. Will talks about math when we're drinking, so therefore drinking with Will generally makes me tired. Drinking with Todd makes me frustrated, because Todd generally makes little sense when he's drunk. Tired+Frustrated+Drunk = combative Sparky.
And I think I've started to realize that the dynamics of our group are changing. People are being added and subtracted based upon location, but also based upon... Well, need. There are some people (not the ones that you'd think) that I don't really need now. There are people that I do need, but who don't understand need. Or don't understand the nature of need. Need isn't always physical or sexual, as it has been in the past: need can be just a conversation about how things have been, or the occasional "you know, you're doing ok." Maybe this is what the Random Acts assignment is really all about. Human needs. Compassion, Empathy... but just the need to be with another.
There are times when I stand in a room full of people and feel completely alone, then there are times when I'm alone and feel like I'm surrounded, both positivly and negativly. Right now, I feel negativly surrounded. Fears and Hostility and worry are starting to poke through again, and I can't deal with yours. I have my own.
I don't know. But one thing's for sure... I will help, because I'm a helper. I need to learn when being a helper means getting involved, and when being a helper means getting another beer and just letting people bitch.
And now, I'm going to help myself to a warm, comfy bed.
I need to learn when to just shut up and let people talk. I think my problem is that I don't like seeing people I "care about" (people around me) stuck. I believe that there are solutions to difficult problems, but that you have to want the solution more than you loathe the process. So, when someone starts talking about why they can't get a job, not because of qualifications, but because of personal politics, I tend to leap in with "well, why haven't you tried..." And that's not always the best solution, nor is it always what people want to hear. And some people you just can't help: they have to either figure it out on their own, or gain the experiance of being shot down a time or two before they can get where they need to go. You really do need to hit bottom before you can look up, and you can't let those on their way to their own personal bottom bring you back down.
Sometimes drunk talk makes me tired. Math makes me tired. Will talks about math when we're drinking, so therefore drinking with Will generally makes me tired. Drinking with Todd makes me frustrated, because Todd generally makes little sense when he's drunk. Tired+Frustrated+Drunk = combative Sparky.
And I think I've started to realize that the dynamics of our group are changing. People are being added and subtracted based upon location, but also based upon... Well, need. There are some people (not the ones that you'd think) that I don't really need now. There are people that I do need, but who don't understand need. Or don't understand the nature of need. Need isn't always physical or sexual, as it has been in the past: need can be just a conversation about how things have been, or the occasional "you know, you're doing ok." Maybe this is what the Random Acts assignment is really all about. Human needs. Compassion, Empathy... but just the need to be with another.
There are times when I stand in a room full of people and feel completely alone, then there are times when I'm alone and feel like I'm surrounded, both positivly and negativly. Right now, I feel negativly surrounded. Fears and Hostility and worry are starting to poke through again, and I can't deal with yours. I have my own.
I don't know. But one thing's for sure... I will help, because I'm a helper. I need to learn when being a helper means getting involved, and when being a helper means getting another beer and just letting people bitch.
And now, I'm going to help myself to a warm, comfy bed.
March 26, 2006
Right now
Right now, I just want to let it all go.
I don't want to go back. Mom and dad will have to force me onto that bus tomorrow... I don't think I can do it. I can't stop crying. I broke down in the middle of masonville on Friday, and I haven't been able to stop yet.
I just want to live out the rest of my life curled into a ball under my bed. I would seriously concider dropping out if it wasn't so stupid. What kind of moron drops out a month before graduating? And just because it's paper crunch... I survive it every year, so what happened this time? How did I wind up this bad?
Nathan is the only positive thing bringing me back to north Bay right now. I mean, I know that I have my friends at Nip, but right now, I could be willing to let all of that go. I could be very easily convinced. I could forget all about Canadore and be one of those "waste of flesh" people Dad and I were talking about, who just flips burgers or works in a factory for the rest of their miserable lives.
No I couldn't. I can't even do that.
I can't even hide under my bed, because I'm too afraid.
What do I do now?
I don't want to go back. Mom and dad will have to force me onto that bus tomorrow... I don't think I can do it. I can't stop crying. I broke down in the middle of masonville on Friday, and I haven't been able to stop yet.
I just want to live out the rest of my life curled into a ball under my bed. I would seriously concider dropping out if it wasn't so stupid. What kind of moron drops out a month before graduating? And just because it's paper crunch... I survive it every year, so what happened this time? How did I wind up this bad?
Nathan is the only positive thing bringing me back to north Bay right now. I mean, I know that I have my friends at Nip, but right now, I could be willing to let all of that go. I could be very easily convinced. I could forget all about Canadore and be one of those "waste of flesh" people Dad and I were talking about, who just flips burgers or works in a factory for the rest of their miserable lives.
No I couldn't. I can't even do that.
I can't even hide under my bed, because I'm too afraid.
What do I do now?
March 16, 2006
Disorientation
Sexual orientation - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
So, this would be the question. How do you define yourself? Male? Female? Heterosexual? Bisexual? Homosexual? Transexual? Autosexual? Asexual? Pansexual? Do you Identify yourself at all within these categories? How do you define what you are defining? Does what you mean line up with the general consensus? And what if you don't fit? What are you then? Does it even matter?
What a mess.
And everything's either compleatly right/left winged and biased, or provides no References I can use. And, I could use them, if I could check them out of out library. Of course, if our library was bigger than the average highschool gymnasium...So, I don't know what is even reliable. Blarg.
That, and I can barely suss out a true thesis statement in all of this. Everytime I get something close, it vanishes, or it's not a real statement. And then throw in the fact that half of the terms I'm not working to define are theoretical statements which should be defined in order to be clear of what I'm talking about. For example: Identity. What is that? And don't say "Identity is how a person identifies themself", becuase it don't work. Then there's "self". Don't even get me STARTED on self.
Maybe it just seems big because Sal's been pushing us so hard on breaking down assumed categories that everything seems to require some sort of "truth". Which, itself, doesn't exist... Truth is a theory too.
Theory is a theory!
GAH!
So, I can't decide if I've made any progress or not. I can't even decide if I'm on the right track or not... Or if this is what she wants. And, I tell ya, carrying around all the books I logged out of the library is making me nuts. And sore.
Tomorrow, I'll be living in the Library, just to get the research/quote bit out of the way so I can create 8-10 pages over the weekend. That, and the play review, which I should be able to do Friday directly after the show if I play my cards right.
I guess I just feel a little... foggy. Or something. I'm not burning out (which, in itself, is making me nervous), I'm just a little... something. Words are doing a swirly thing in my head, and getting thoughts down is like nailing jello to a wall: bits of it stay, but the rest just slides away and leaves you with a mess.
So, I'm going to take a bit of a break and write some Stone Cold Blues over on DeviantArt. Then I'll read some more, and see what happens.
Word.
So, this would be the question. How do you define yourself? Male? Female? Heterosexual? Bisexual? Homosexual? Transexual? Autosexual? Asexual? Pansexual? Do you Identify yourself at all within these categories? How do you define what you are defining? Does what you mean line up with the general consensus? And what if you don't fit? What are you then? Does it even matter?
What a mess.
And everything's either compleatly right/left winged and biased, or provides no References I can use. And, I could use them, if I could check them out of out library. Of course, if our library was bigger than the average highschool gymnasium...So, I don't know what is even reliable. Blarg.
That, and I can barely suss out a true thesis statement in all of this. Everytime I get something close, it vanishes, or it's not a real statement. And then throw in the fact that half of the terms I'm not working to define are theoretical statements which should be defined in order to be clear of what I'm talking about. For example: Identity. What is that? And don't say "Identity is how a person identifies themself", becuase it don't work. Then there's "self". Don't even get me STARTED on self.
Maybe it just seems big because Sal's been pushing us so hard on breaking down assumed categories that everything seems to require some sort of "truth". Which, itself, doesn't exist... Truth is a theory too.
Theory is a theory!
GAH!
So, I can't decide if I've made any progress or not. I can't even decide if I'm on the right track or not... Or if this is what she wants. And, I tell ya, carrying around all the books I logged out of the library is making me nuts. And sore.
Tomorrow, I'll be living in the Library, just to get the research/quote bit out of the way so I can create 8-10 pages over the weekend. That, and the play review, which I should be able to do Friday directly after the show if I play my cards right.
I guess I just feel a little... foggy. Or something. I'm not burning out (which, in itself, is making me nervous), I'm just a little... something. Words are doing a swirly thing in my head, and getting thoughts down is like nailing jello to a wall: bits of it stay, but the rest just slides away and leaves you with a mess.
So, I'm going to take a bit of a break and write some Stone Cold Blues over on DeviantArt. Then I'll read some more, and see what happens.
Word.
December 13, 2005
Humbug
I think Christmas for Sparky has been cancelled.
I feel like I have lost the Christmas spirit: I have nothing left to give, and everything I've been recieving recently has been negative. Good Will towards men has been replaced by criticism and tears. Christmas is a time to be spent with family, but I don't want to go home. I don't want to see my sister upset, or my dad angry with her about her choices. I don't want to deal with the fact that I have to hide my failures from him, or else his feelings about me as an airhead and a loser will be verified. My family does not accept failure well. I don't want to feel the tension resonating from my mother, and know that I'm partly to blame for it.
Most importantly, I don't want to wake up on December 25 to a full stocking and presents under the tree, because I don't deserve them. I failed Romance. I lost 3 credits, and it's those simple 3 credits that will stop me from graduating this year. It hurts horribly to know that if only I'd have tried harder, I would not only have those credits, but a decent grade to boot. I actually offended Prof. Plumstead by handing in that poor excuse for a paper; I'd have been better not handing anything in at all. And that's what I deserve: punishment for dicking around for the last 2 months on things like work and charity. I should have been focusing on my academic success and nothing else. That was the original plan, things just changed.
I feel like my body is full of cement, and I don't want to do anything. for the last three nights, Nathan has had to hold me while I cried inconsolably. I don't think I can do this anymore: it's hurting him, and hurting me more.
Well, I catch the bus tomorrow at 6am. I'll be in Toronto by 11.15, and home before 6pm.
Merry Christmas, indeed.
I feel like I have lost the Christmas spirit: I have nothing left to give, and everything I've been recieving recently has been negative. Good Will towards men has been replaced by criticism and tears. Christmas is a time to be spent with family, but I don't want to go home. I don't want to see my sister upset, or my dad angry with her about her choices. I don't want to deal with the fact that I have to hide my failures from him, or else his feelings about me as an airhead and a loser will be verified. My family does not accept failure well. I don't want to feel the tension resonating from my mother, and know that I'm partly to blame for it.
Most importantly, I don't want to wake up on December 25 to a full stocking and presents under the tree, because I don't deserve them. I failed Romance. I lost 3 credits, and it's those simple 3 credits that will stop me from graduating this year. It hurts horribly to know that if only I'd have tried harder, I would not only have those credits, but a decent grade to boot. I actually offended Prof. Plumstead by handing in that poor excuse for a paper; I'd have been better not handing anything in at all. And that's what I deserve: punishment for dicking around for the last 2 months on things like work and charity. I should have been focusing on my academic success and nothing else. That was the original plan, things just changed.
I feel like my body is full of cement, and I don't want to do anything. for the last three nights, Nathan has had to hold me while I cried inconsolably. I don't think I can do this anymore: it's hurting him, and hurting me more.
Well, I catch the bus tomorrow at 6am. I'll be in Toronto by 11.15, and home before 6pm.
Merry Christmas, indeed.
December 10, 2005
Holiday Party: Flop.
I held a kitchen party tonight. I invited a bunch of people, told them to spread the word and bring friends. I spent close to $200 on food, bowls and platters. I set everything out for 3.30pm, when I said that the party would start.
At 1.30pm, I had to take my boyfriend to the ER. He had lost his perepheral vision in his left eye, his left hand and forearm had gone compleatly numb, and the left side of his face had gone nunb too. He also felt dizzy. The Ontario Telehealth nurse was about to dispatch an ambulance, because it sounded like a T-I-something... basically a mini heart attack. An ambulance would have cost us $40, so I drove him. They released him 2 hours later, claiming that he had a migraine with an aura... he didn't even have a headache. Stupid fucking North Bay doctors...
Anyways, we got home, sat around until 4pm, when I took him to the bus terminal so he could go to his grandfather's funeral tomorrow. Then I came back. One of my friends had called, very sick, saying that she wouldn't be making it, and her boyfriend called shortly after saying that he was going to be with her. I know that 2 people weren't coming, because they were working, and that 2 people had already gone home for the holidays. Other than that, I was still expecting 9-10 people, plus whoever they brang along. So I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
At 8.30pm, my roomate and his friend were sitting downstairs watching Trekkies with me, to keep me company. He told me that if people didn't start showing up soon, that he would start calling people just to make sure the food didn't go to waste.
At 9pm, 4 people showed up. They stayed until about an hour ago (1am). But that was it. 4 people. And I very much appreciate them for coming... I know that they were at rehersal until 8.30pm. But there are a few people who just didn't show.
Some days, I feel like my friends aren't my friends at all.
Then it came to me: after the car accident we had on our first attempt to get to his grandfather's family (hit curb, hole in oil pan and banged up transmission = $500...I don't really want to talk about it.), my mom said something to me. I was perturbed by it at the time, but now I think she's right:
I could have spent that time working on my 3 assignments for Monday (one overdue, one with an extention, one due monday), or studying for my exam on monday, but I CHOSE to spend my time putting together a relaxing evening for my friends. Now I've got a fridge full of left-overs I will be taking to Ryan and Ashley's potluck tomorrow, because I have to get rid of them before I leave for the holidays on Wednesday.
Right now, I just feel hollow inside.
Humbug.
At 1.30pm, I had to take my boyfriend to the ER. He had lost his perepheral vision in his left eye, his left hand and forearm had gone compleatly numb, and the left side of his face had gone nunb too. He also felt dizzy. The Ontario Telehealth nurse was about to dispatch an ambulance, because it sounded like a T-I-something... basically a mini heart attack. An ambulance would have cost us $40, so I drove him. They released him 2 hours later, claiming that he had a migraine with an aura... he didn't even have a headache. Stupid fucking North Bay doctors...
Anyways, we got home, sat around until 4pm, when I took him to the bus terminal so he could go to his grandfather's funeral tomorrow. Then I came back. One of my friends had called, very sick, saying that she wouldn't be making it, and her boyfriend called shortly after saying that he was going to be with her. I know that 2 people weren't coming, because they were working, and that 2 people had already gone home for the holidays. Other than that, I was still expecting 9-10 people, plus whoever they brang along. So I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
At 8.30pm, my roomate and his friend were sitting downstairs watching Trekkies with me, to keep me company. He told me that if people didn't start showing up soon, that he would start calling people just to make sure the food didn't go to waste.
At 9pm, 4 people showed up. They stayed until about an hour ago (1am). But that was it. 4 people. And I very much appreciate them for coming... I know that they were at rehersal until 8.30pm. But there are a few people who just didn't show.
Some days, I feel like my friends aren't my friends at all.
Then it came to me: after the car accident we had on our first attempt to get to his grandfather's family (hit curb, hole in oil pan and banged up transmission = $500...I don't really want to talk about it.), my mom said something to me. I was perturbed by it at the time, but now I think she's right:
You always seem to be the one trying to help. You always seem to be the one doing things, and paying for them. We're not made of money.
I could have spent that time working on my 3 assignments for Monday (one overdue, one with an extention, one due monday), or studying for my exam on monday, but I CHOSE to spend my time putting together a relaxing evening for my friends. Now I've got a fridge full of left-overs I will be taking to Ryan and Ashley's potluck tomorrow, because I have to get rid of them before I leave for the holidays on Wednesday.
Right now, I just feel hollow inside.
Humbug.
November 28, 2005
Buried under a molehill
Things are still piling up.
I'm starting to dig my way back out, but it's difficult. I'm not only fighting academia at large, I"m fighting with myself. I feel like giving up.
And I'm starting to feel that things with Nathan and myself are starting to suffer because of my selfishness. He worries about me, and I feel completely out of control. I feel as though I have no self control. He wants to help me, but, over the weekend at home, I started to feel like I don't want to be helped. Even though the majority of my lifestyle is completely unhealthy, I don't want to change. It's horrid and weak and cowardly, and that just makes me feel worse.
My computer is still slowly frying itself, though I think I"ve killed off the largest part of the problem. That's why I"m in the computer lab right now, pretending to be part of what sounds like a psych/nursing class. I don't really want to go home yet.
Nathan and I are going to start working on Feng Shuing my room. Trying to make it more home-y, more comfortable. Personally, I'd rather just throw the mattress on the floor and...
Pillow Fort.
The last time I started thinking about living in a pillow fort on lemon water and frozen grapes, I wound up a wreck. Maybe it's time to up the dosage again. Mom is making me an appt. with Dr. Chin for my first week home (somewhere between the chiropracter, the optometrist and the hair stylist...), so maybe I will see what she thinks. It could just be the crappy weather, It could be stress. It could be a sign of another problem.
I love Nathan. I just feel over stretched.
I didn't get any shifts at work again this week. I nearly cried when I found out, not because I love to work, but because this will equal out to 2 small paycheques...
I just want to curl up and wait for this to just blow over. Why couldn't I have just been a house cat?
I'm starting to dig my way back out, but it's difficult. I'm not only fighting academia at large, I"m fighting with myself. I feel like giving up.
And I'm starting to feel that things with Nathan and myself are starting to suffer because of my selfishness. He worries about me, and I feel completely out of control. I feel as though I have no self control. He wants to help me, but, over the weekend at home, I started to feel like I don't want to be helped. Even though the majority of my lifestyle is completely unhealthy, I don't want to change. It's horrid and weak and cowardly, and that just makes me feel worse.
My computer is still slowly frying itself, though I think I"ve killed off the largest part of the problem. That's why I"m in the computer lab right now, pretending to be part of what sounds like a psych/nursing class. I don't really want to go home yet.
Nathan and I are going to start working on Feng Shuing my room. Trying to make it more home-y, more comfortable. Personally, I'd rather just throw the mattress on the floor and...
Pillow Fort.
The last time I started thinking about living in a pillow fort on lemon water and frozen grapes, I wound up a wreck. Maybe it's time to up the dosage again. Mom is making me an appt. with Dr. Chin for my first week home (somewhere between the chiropracter, the optometrist and the hair stylist...), so maybe I will see what she thinks. It could just be the crappy weather, It could be stress. It could be a sign of another problem.
I love Nathan. I just feel over stretched.
I didn't get any shifts at work again this week. I nearly cried when I found out, not because I love to work, but because this will equal out to 2 small paycheques...
I just want to curl up and wait for this to just blow over. Why couldn't I have just been a house cat?
November 23, 2005
Arg.
I am currently not a happy Sparky.
I swear, as soon as I get home from London (if we even go...), I'm ripping my room apart. Nathan's compleatly right... It's become a negative place for me. I'm not comfortable in here any more. It doesn't feel like my room yet. I'm still not sure how to fix that.
I'm going to talk to Angela Cupido again tomorrow. Her head's going to explode. Every counciler starts with the same question:
"So, how have things been since we spoke last?" (two weeks ago? maybe 3.)
My Response?
"Well, I'm about two weeks behind in my assignments, including some that are overdue, my work is screwing me over, I went from doing unpaid overtime to having no shifts at all, I'm broke, I can't sit still and write my papers because even the thought of it makes me nauseous, the picking has gotten worse, and Nathan and I had actually equated it to a need for sexual release, and though things are going well in the realtionship, the cops are investigating him because someone's pretending to be him and harassing our customers, Oh, and my sister is dropping out of Brock, and has started intentionally hurting herself, so my entire family is freaking out, and I have to be the voice of reason, because they want to put her on drugs, and mom's been on my case to find out things for her about OSAP and if she can get into Kings College next year, which I really know nothing about. But other than that, beh."
If I can do it all in one breath, they might up my dosage. Or test me for ADD again, either way.
But, yeah. I'm not happy with myself right now, and the family sitation is tense, and I feel like some of the people who used to be my best friends are complete strangers. And a quick thank you to Ducky, for being the kick in the ass I needed tonight. You're right. I'm not taking this seriously, and I need to stop bitching, chain myself to the computer and just get all this done.
So I will. Tonight.
I got the movie review done, and the journals (though they were on the late side...), so now I just need to hold my breath, bite down and get this unbelieveable tedious essay done.
Before my head caves in.
I swear, as soon as I get home from London (if we even go...), I'm ripping my room apart. Nathan's compleatly right... It's become a negative place for me. I'm not comfortable in here any more. It doesn't feel like my room yet. I'm still not sure how to fix that.
I'm going to talk to Angela Cupido again tomorrow. Her head's going to explode. Every counciler starts with the same question:
"So, how have things been since we spoke last?" (two weeks ago? maybe 3.)
My Response?
"Well, I'm about two weeks behind in my assignments, including some that are overdue, my work is screwing me over, I went from doing unpaid overtime to having no shifts at all, I'm broke, I can't sit still and write my papers because even the thought of it makes me nauseous, the picking has gotten worse, and Nathan and I had actually equated it to a need for sexual release, and though things are going well in the realtionship, the cops are investigating him because someone's pretending to be him and harassing our customers, Oh, and my sister is dropping out of Brock, and has started intentionally hurting herself, so my entire family is freaking out, and I have to be the voice of reason, because they want to put her on drugs, and mom's been on my case to find out things for her about OSAP and if she can get into Kings College next year, which I really know nothing about. But other than that, beh."
If I can do it all in one breath, they might up my dosage. Or test me for ADD again, either way.
But, yeah. I'm not happy with myself right now, and the family sitation is tense, and I feel like some of the people who used to be my best friends are complete strangers. And a quick thank you to Ducky, for being the kick in the ass I needed tonight. You're right. I'm not taking this seriously, and I need to stop bitching, chain myself to the computer and just get all this done.
So I will. Tonight.
I got the movie review done, and the journals (though they were on the late side...), so now I just need to hold my breath, bite down and get this unbelieveable tedious essay done.
Before my head caves in.
November 6, 2005
Urge to Kill...Rising...Rising...
Red Alert.
I've said it a dozen times now: It is not possible to do a proper close and thorough clean-up of the resteraunt in 30 minutes. It just does not work that way, especially when you are serving customers right up to 7pm, and it takes 5-10 minutes just to till off.
Now they want us to do it in 15.
FUCK.
It took me an hour to get the majority of my chores done, that's 45 minutes longer than I was schedualed to be there, and that I WON'T get paid for. And the kitchen is still a mess. I didn't get time to sweep, mop or prep veggies for the next day.
As I understand it, the girls are starting to close at 6pm in order to be gone by 7.15pm. But that's just not the way I work. If you sweep/mop and do dishes before you close, you will just have to do it again before you leave. And I like to be sure that everything is cleaned and put away PROPERLY before I leave. I like to have extra meat, bread and veggies pulled and prepped for the next day. I like to be sure that there's enough pogo batter, gravy and soup for the next day. And, I totally agree that the kitchen should be clean (read: immaculate) and organized at the end of the day.
But in 15 minutes? Um... no. Maybe if there was 2 people there. Maybe if we stopped serving at 6.45, giving us time to shut the fryers down and clean the grills before we till off. probably if the boys did the sweep/mop at the end of their shift, as well as the rest of the store. But it doesn't happen that way, so the kitchen is left dirty, and I come home fustrated and pissed off because I feel I've done a half assed job, and it LOOKS like I"ve done a half assed job, even though I worked like a friggin dog to get what I got done.
The Julies have already threatened to write people up because the resteraunt has been left a mess before. I understand, really I do, but I"m only one person, and maybe I'm just too slow to be back there for a close.
At this point though, if they write me up, I walk.
I've said it a dozen times now: It is not possible to do a proper close and thorough clean-up of the resteraunt in 30 minutes. It just does not work that way, especially when you are serving customers right up to 7pm, and it takes 5-10 minutes just to till off.
Now they want us to do it in 15.
FUCK.
It took me an hour to get the majority of my chores done, that's 45 minutes longer than I was schedualed to be there, and that I WON'T get paid for. And the kitchen is still a mess. I didn't get time to sweep, mop or prep veggies for the next day.
As I understand it, the girls are starting to close at 6pm in order to be gone by 7.15pm. But that's just not the way I work. If you sweep/mop and do dishes before you close, you will just have to do it again before you leave. And I like to be sure that everything is cleaned and put away PROPERLY before I leave. I like to have extra meat, bread and veggies pulled and prepped for the next day. I like to be sure that there's enough pogo batter, gravy and soup for the next day. And, I totally agree that the kitchen should be clean (read: immaculate) and organized at the end of the day.
But in 15 minutes? Um... no. Maybe if there was 2 people there. Maybe if we stopped serving at 6.45, giving us time to shut the fryers down and clean the grills before we till off. probably if the boys did the sweep/mop at the end of their shift, as well as the rest of the store. But it doesn't happen that way, so the kitchen is left dirty, and I come home fustrated and pissed off because I feel I've done a half assed job, and it LOOKS like I"ve done a half assed job, even though I worked like a friggin dog to get what I got done.
The Julies have already threatened to write people up because the resteraunt has been left a mess before. I understand, really I do, but I"m only one person, and maybe I'm just too slow to be back there for a close.
At this point though, if they write me up, I walk.
August 29, 2005
The Build
You know, something's been building inside me for the past couple days. I know it has something to do with my anger towards *cough* certain individuals, and I know it has something to do with my newly developed views on love, obsession and desparation. I'm just not sure where it's going. I have this horrid feeling that it's going to ferment into a ball of pent up rage, and cause massive harm to someone who doesn't deserve it. This is because the person (or people, really...) who most deserve it are people whom I may not talk to for a while, or really shouldn't be confronting for the sake of others involved. Either way, I'm not really liking the way it's making me feel. I'm very edgy, a little wired, and frankly, feeling a bit aggressive. I think maybe I should take up kick-boxing or something. Though, that may make the problem worse...
Today, for all of the sitting on my flat white posterior I did, I got a lot accomplished. First, I finally finished The Golden Compass, which has been known as everything from "the book", to "my Everest", to more recently "the bane of my existance". I really didn't like it that much. I found that there were too many storylines, one or two of which weren't really all that necessary, there was a love plot thrown in at the end which, though slightly predictable, seemed like it was tacked on at the end, and almost too intense for the piece. Not to mention that it was hard to keep up with, and really friggin long. I doubt a kid (as this was for kid lit) would actually have the patience for it. Never mind the reviews, though. Read it yourself and find out. The first book was awsome, and the second wasn't that bad.
I also got about 2/3 of the way through Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, which, though it's quite different from the movie, isn't bad at all. Some moments actually made more sense than in the movie. I can't wait to start into the rest of the series... At some point. HP&tPS is #4 on the list of 10 for Kid Lit, plus 2 text books, plus whatever I have to read for my other courses. But, I have most of this week, and half of next, to dig a chunk out of that list. Mind you, it may be a small chunk, given that Little Women is next in que, but a chunk nonetheless.
I don't know... I'm really not feeling myself tonight. Maybe it's just a feeling of "ok, done the vacay thing, now let's get on with it...", and maybe it's a bit of a need for a return to chaos. Or maybe I'm just tired, and dehydrated... I do have a headache.
Tomorrow, I will be heading out, returning completed applications, picking up a few things, dropping off more resume's, and likely making another stop at Allisons. Just to browse.
Maybe. Unless I see something good, like Black Trillium or its sequal, or White Oleander. Something I very much want to read, but don't have to right away.
I need a job. My addictions are obliterating my bank account.
Today, for all of the sitting on my flat white posterior I did, I got a lot accomplished. First, I finally finished The Golden Compass, which has been known as everything from "the book", to "my Everest", to more recently "the bane of my existance". I really didn't like it that much. I found that there were too many storylines, one or two of which weren't really all that necessary, there was a love plot thrown in at the end which, though slightly predictable, seemed like it was tacked on at the end, and almost too intense for the piece. Not to mention that it was hard to keep up with, and really friggin long. I doubt a kid (as this was for kid lit) would actually have the patience for it. Never mind the reviews, though. Read it yourself and find out. The first book was awsome, and the second wasn't that bad.
I also got about 2/3 of the way through Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, which, though it's quite different from the movie, isn't bad at all. Some moments actually made more sense than in the movie. I can't wait to start into the rest of the series... At some point. HP&tPS is #4 on the list of 10 for Kid Lit, plus 2 text books, plus whatever I have to read for my other courses. But, I have most of this week, and half of next, to dig a chunk out of that list. Mind you, it may be a small chunk, given that Little Women is next in que, but a chunk nonetheless.
I don't know... I'm really not feeling myself tonight. Maybe it's just a feeling of "ok, done the vacay thing, now let's get on with it...", and maybe it's a bit of a need for a return to chaos. Or maybe I'm just tired, and dehydrated... I do have a headache.
Tomorrow, I will be heading out, returning completed applications, picking up a few things, dropping off more resume's, and likely making another stop at Allisons. Just to browse.
Maybe. Unless I see something good, like Black Trillium or its sequal, or White Oleander. Something I very much want to read, but don't have to right away.
I need a job. My addictions are obliterating my bank account.
August 4, 2005
Other People Suck.
Sorry if I'm repeating myself, but it's been a rough night.
I hate my species.
So, first of all, I get stuck on a line with 2 temps who may as well have been cardboard cutouts with "BLOND" written across the chest. Seriously, they did NOTHING all night, except the most basic tasks of working on the line: paletize, make boxes, pack. There was a mess, so they stood there and watched ME clean it up. Pouches needed to be cut into the tank, and they sat on the end of the line while I did it. The only time they did anything was when Gina (on a different line) came over and asked one of them to sweep, and even then, she did a half-assed job. I wouldn't have minded so much if they were new, but they've both been there for at least 3 months. Get a friggin clue.
Then I sit down at break and continue reading my book (The Goldan Compass, which actually isn't that bad. I'm almost done it), when I realize that the whole friggin book is actually about Original Sin (as explained by one of the characters). So, then I realize that it really all comes down to Sex and Religion. CRAP. I mean, I would strongly discourage anyone with a love of reading to take an english lit course above OAC/Grade 12. You will never, EVER be able to read another book again. I'm reading children's books for god's sake, and I can't get to the end without coming to a debate over whether the Church has made us zombies, or whether the character sees the Bear King as a father figure or potential lover.
Actually, at one point, I did come up with a reason why Sex&Religion are the two main themes of every lecture: Fashion. Well, for sex, it's fashion. Religion is a permanent part because it was monks that founded Universities... But Sex is new. In the '60's (for what I gather), lit was about Religion and "The Man"/"The Institution"/Commercialism. Everything was about whether our values were preserved or compromised by the end. Now, because of sexuality becoming more commonplace and babies having babies and whatnot, we turn our attention to sex. Kinda sad, really. I'd prefer it if a story could be about what the author intended it to be about, nothing else.
Of course, this lead me into the big debate with Gayle: Will Matt ever actually call? He said he would, but I'm guessing not. I think I'm more dissappointed because I thought he'd be a good lay than because of his potential as a partner (he's more fun than future), and I need a good lay. Or some better meds. And, as Gayle mentioned, I'll be returning to North Bay in 2 weeks, so what worry have I? The great white North, where the booty runs like a river! Alas, no. I don't think that getting into anything with the new roomies would be a bright idea, and even though I have one friend who has all but offered himself up to me, I don't think I want to go back into that either, because, amoung other reasons, he already has a girlfriend, and I don't share well. Tony isn't exactly reliable, and Todd... no. for what I've heard, he's "happy" (or momentarily contented), with his new "are they/aren't they" gal. I've had my fill of his drama anyways. That lead to my quote of the night, by the by:
All men are asshats to some degree, leave it to me to sleep with their king.
[this portion of the rant was edited out because it got a bit too personal. I'm sorry if I offended anyone.]
I'm sorry if I'm on a bit of a rampage tonight. I'm just frustrated. This weekend, my mother told me that Dad turned to her one night and said, "You know, this year, Sparky's going to find someone, and he's going to be the one." Mom said she's had that feeling all summer. She did last summer too. And the one before that... But adding Dad's voice to it? that was just underhanded. I mean, I don't want to feel even more like I've let them down, and that feeling, that GUILT should sertainly not be invading my personal life.
Fuckers.
(P.S. anyone willing/wanting to argue the above points can let me know. I'm open to it. Actually, I feel like a good scrap.)
I hate my species.
So, first of all, I get stuck on a line with 2 temps who may as well have been cardboard cutouts with "BLOND" written across the chest. Seriously, they did NOTHING all night, except the most basic tasks of working on the line: paletize, make boxes, pack. There was a mess, so they stood there and watched ME clean it up. Pouches needed to be cut into the tank, and they sat on the end of the line while I did it. The only time they did anything was when Gina (on a different line) came over and asked one of them to sweep, and even then, she did a half-assed job. I wouldn't have minded so much if they were new, but they've both been there for at least 3 months. Get a friggin clue.
Then I sit down at break and continue reading my book (The Goldan Compass, which actually isn't that bad. I'm almost done it), when I realize that the whole friggin book is actually about Original Sin (as explained by one of the characters). So, then I realize that it really all comes down to Sex and Religion. CRAP. I mean, I would strongly discourage anyone with a love of reading to take an english lit course above OAC/Grade 12. You will never, EVER be able to read another book again. I'm reading children's books for god's sake, and I can't get to the end without coming to a debate over whether the Church has made us zombies, or whether the character sees the Bear King as a father figure or potential lover.
Actually, at one point, I did come up with a reason why Sex&Religion are the two main themes of every lecture: Fashion. Well, for sex, it's fashion. Religion is a permanent part because it was monks that founded Universities... But Sex is new. In the '60's (for what I gather), lit was about Religion and "The Man"/"The Institution"/Commercialism. Everything was about whether our values were preserved or compromised by the end. Now, because of sexuality becoming more commonplace and babies having babies and whatnot, we turn our attention to sex. Kinda sad, really. I'd prefer it if a story could be about what the author intended it to be about, nothing else.
Of course, this lead me into the big debate with Gayle: Will Matt ever actually call? He said he would, but I'm guessing not. I think I'm more dissappointed because I thought he'd be a good lay than because of his potential as a partner (he's more fun than future), and I need a good lay. Or some better meds. And, as Gayle mentioned, I'll be returning to North Bay in 2 weeks, so what worry have I? The great white North, where the booty runs like a river! Alas, no. I don't think that getting into anything with the new roomies would be a bright idea, and even though I have one friend who has all but offered himself up to me, I don't think I want to go back into that either, because, amoung other reasons, he already has a girlfriend, and I don't share well. Tony isn't exactly reliable, and Todd... no. for what I've heard, he's "happy" (or momentarily contented), with his new "are they/aren't they" gal. I've had my fill of his drama anyways. That lead to my quote of the night, by the by:
All men are asshats to some degree, leave it to me to sleep with their king.
[this portion of the rant was edited out because it got a bit too personal. I'm sorry if I offended anyone.]
I'm sorry if I'm on a bit of a rampage tonight. I'm just frustrated. This weekend, my mother told me that Dad turned to her one night and said, "You know, this year, Sparky's going to find someone, and he's going to be the one." Mom said she's had that feeling all summer. She did last summer too. And the one before that... But adding Dad's voice to it? that was just underhanded. I mean, I don't want to feel even more like I've let them down, and that feeling, that GUILT should sertainly not be invading my personal life.
Fuckers.
(P.S. anyone willing/wanting to argue the above points can let me know. I'm open to it. Actually, I feel like a good scrap.)
March 30, 2005
Phoenix
So, this is more for people who I don't talk to often, but who do read this.
Today, I was supposed to get a blood test done. Long story short, I panicked (test did not get done), and after a discussion with one of the doctors at the student clinic, I'm going tomorrow (well, today, technically) for an appointment to talk about antidepressants. I know I've talked about it before, but I think it's gotten out of my control. I can come home, or sit down after doing something and be giddy and motivated and happy, and within 10 minutes be compleatly miserable, to the point of tears. In the week prior to the show, there wasn't one night where I didn't fall asleep crying. And it's as scary for me as it is for the people around me. I can't be myself around anyone anymore. I can't focus on anything. I sleep for 14 hours a night and need a nap midway through the day. In short, it's starting to affect my life negativly, and if I learned anything from my psych classes, it's that when emotion starts interfering with quality of life, it's time to seek help.
Things won't change right away, of course. When I was on Zoloft in high school, they told me that it would be 6 months before I saw any real results. Of course, all I felt from them was flatness, so I'm looking at other alternatives. In any case, I'm hoping that I will be able, by the time I get back from summer holidays, to be a more stable person. I hope that I'll be less abusive of my relationships with people. I want to feel less guilty about everything. I'd really like for the pain below my sternum to go away...
I think this has been a long time in coming. In first year, I was tested for learning disabilities, and they found low self-esteem and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) to be the problem, but it never really went from there. I don't know. Maybe it's just the time of year, but I keep getting this feeling like things are about to come falling down around me. I want to be ready when that happens: I want to be able to pull myself through.
The woman I spoke to gave me a work-sheet for anxiety and "imbalanced thoughts". This is the jist for the situation from this morning:
1. Situation: Getting Blood taken
2. Moods (rate as 0-100%): anxious - 100%, nervous - 100%
3. Automatic thoughts (Images) - I'm going to pass out, I'm going to be sick, It's going to hurt (I'm 'afraid' of pain), I'm going to panic and shred the veign. I hate needles.
4. Evidance to support "Hot thoughts" - Last time I got blood taken I passed out, I feel nauseous/dizzy thinking about it(fyi, I'm lying down right now, so I'm ok), It does hurt, when I laid down on the table today I felt myself starting to panic.
5. Evidance that does not support "Hot thoughts" - These people are trained professionals who know what they're doing. It only hurts for a few minutes. Dave was (thankfully) sitting 3 feet away if anything did happen. I wasn't actually sick last time.
6. Alternative/Balanced thoughts (rate how much you believe it 0-100%) - This is something people do every day, and shouldn't bother me (5%), Even if I do pass out, I'm in a clinic, and will be fine (95%), this won't kill me (100%), I have to do it eventually, I should suck it up and get it over with (30%)
7. Mood after Completing sheet (0-100%) anxious - 40% (I'm not in the situation anymore), nervous -20% (I don't have to do it again any time soon), guilty - 75%, angry at self - 50%.
So, really, what helped was removing myself from the situation. And for the record, I still feel lightheaded thinking about it. I mean, come on! Knowing that there is a more balanced approach does not mean that the "hot thought" is going to just go away. In fact, this made me feel almost as bad as I did walking away from the clinic, and that was almost 16 hours ago.
Ok, I'll let this go for now. I"m just trying to point out that I need help with a lot more than just relationship issues, and now I'm getting it.
Huzzah.
Today, I was supposed to get a blood test done. Long story short, I panicked (test did not get done), and after a discussion with one of the doctors at the student clinic, I'm going tomorrow (well, today, technically) for an appointment to talk about antidepressants. I know I've talked about it before, but I think it's gotten out of my control. I can come home, or sit down after doing something and be giddy and motivated and happy, and within 10 minutes be compleatly miserable, to the point of tears. In the week prior to the show, there wasn't one night where I didn't fall asleep crying. And it's as scary for me as it is for the people around me. I can't be myself around anyone anymore. I can't focus on anything. I sleep for 14 hours a night and need a nap midway through the day. In short, it's starting to affect my life negativly, and if I learned anything from my psych classes, it's that when emotion starts interfering with quality of life, it's time to seek help.
Things won't change right away, of course. When I was on Zoloft in high school, they told me that it would be 6 months before I saw any real results. Of course, all I felt from them was flatness, so I'm looking at other alternatives. In any case, I'm hoping that I will be able, by the time I get back from summer holidays, to be a more stable person. I hope that I'll be less abusive of my relationships with people. I want to feel less guilty about everything. I'd really like for the pain below my sternum to go away...
I think this has been a long time in coming. In first year, I was tested for learning disabilities, and they found low self-esteem and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) to be the problem, but it never really went from there. I don't know. Maybe it's just the time of year, but I keep getting this feeling like things are about to come falling down around me. I want to be ready when that happens: I want to be able to pull myself through.
The woman I spoke to gave me a work-sheet for anxiety and "imbalanced thoughts". This is the jist for the situation from this morning:
1. Situation: Getting Blood taken
2. Moods (rate as 0-100%): anxious - 100%, nervous - 100%
3. Automatic thoughts (Images) - I'm going to pass out, I'm going to be sick, It's going to hurt (I'm 'afraid' of pain), I'm going to panic and shred the veign. I hate needles.
4. Evidance to support "Hot thoughts" - Last time I got blood taken I passed out, I feel nauseous/dizzy thinking about it(fyi, I'm lying down right now, so I'm ok), It does hurt, when I laid down on the table today I felt myself starting to panic.
5. Evidance that does not support "Hot thoughts" - These people are trained professionals who know what they're doing. It only hurts for a few minutes. Dave was (thankfully) sitting 3 feet away if anything did happen. I wasn't actually sick last time.
6. Alternative/Balanced thoughts (rate how much you believe it 0-100%) - This is something people do every day, and shouldn't bother me (5%), Even if I do pass out, I'm in a clinic, and will be fine (95%), this won't kill me (100%), I have to do it eventually, I should suck it up and get it over with (30%)
7. Mood after Completing sheet (0-100%) anxious - 40% (I'm not in the situation anymore), nervous -20% (I don't have to do it again any time soon), guilty - 75%, angry at self - 50%.
So, really, what helped was removing myself from the situation. And for the record, I still feel lightheaded thinking about it. I mean, come on! Knowing that there is a more balanced approach does not mean that the "hot thought" is going to just go away. In fact, this made me feel almost as bad as I did walking away from the clinic, and that was almost 16 hours ago.
Ok, I'll let this go for now. I"m just trying to point out that I need help with a lot more than just relationship issues, and now I'm getting it.
Huzzah.
March 24, 2005
The Rules
Ok, so it appears that I need to make these rules public. The Management (namely, me) holds the right to revise, change and make additions to these Rules at any time.
1)Anyone talking about politics (academic, social, Canadian, World, etc.) in my presence should expect to be punched in the face. Seriously, I don't know, I don't care, and the only thing that ever comes out of these conversations is hostility and negativity, neither of which I can handle at the moment.
2) When I say any of the following, in any circumstance, under any conditions, my wishes are to be RESPECTED and ABIDED BY no matter what effect it has on another party, myself, or the situation:
-No.
-Stop.
-It hurts (should ALWAYS be interpreted as Stop Immediatly)
-I don't know (should ALWAYS be interpreted as Stop, Discuss)
Failure to abide by these will result in immediate cessation of the activity/conversation, and my swift departure. There are no first/second/third warnings.
3) If I don't understand, you will explaine. You will, under NO circumstances, become angry or patronizing because my mental capacity is not up to your standard of "par". I'm sorry, I'm really trying to keep up, but it appears that I'm just not intelligent in the same way you are. If you insist on belittling me, or making me feel as though I have somehow "failed", I will remove myself from the situation.
Those are the ones for now. I'm heading home for a nice, long, 4 day weekend. If anything else comes to mind, I will post them when I get back. For now, I suggest you all review the rules, and their concequences.
This is it, people. I am a doormat no longer. Wipe your feet elsewhere.
1)Anyone talking about politics (academic, social, Canadian, World, etc.) in my presence should expect to be punched in the face. Seriously, I don't know, I don't care, and the only thing that ever comes out of these conversations is hostility and negativity, neither of which I can handle at the moment.
2) When I say any of the following, in any circumstance, under any conditions, my wishes are to be RESPECTED and ABIDED BY no matter what effect it has on another party, myself, or the situation:
-No.
-Stop.
-It hurts (should ALWAYS be interpreted as Stop Immediatly)
-I don't know (should ALWAYS be interpreted as Stop, Discuss)
Failure to abide by these will result in immediate cessation of the activity/conversation, and my swift departure. There are no first/second/third warnings.
3) If I don't understand, you will explaine. You will, under NO circumstances, become angry or patronizing because my mental capacity is not up to your standard of "par". I'm sorry, I'm really trying to keep up, but it appears that I'm just not intelligent in the same way you are. If you insist on belittling me, or making me feel as though I have somehow "failed", I will remove myself from the situation.
Those are the ones for now. I'm heading home for a nice, long, 4 day weekend. If anything else comes to mind, I will post them when I get back. For now, I suggest you all review the rules, and their concequences.
This is it, people. I am a doormat no longer. Wipe your feet elsewhere.
February 26, 2005
"Old News": Yanga-tastic?
I can't take this anymore. I just got drafted into the play (I have 3 weeks to memorize my lines) because people aren't showing up. People spent 15 minutes bitching about how we only have three weeks until the show and lines aren't memorized, and now they've wasted over an hour playing Character building games that should have been done about 3 months ago. I can't do my work becasue I can't focus, and I can't find anyone else who wants to work on Tuesday at the theatre (my boss asked me to look). GrrrRRrr.
I guess that kinda makes my next "Old News" irrelivant. It's funny: in class, we talked about how fate is a wheel. It appears that what goes up, really must come down.
Yanga…works? - Written Feb 17/05
Well, that's interesting…
Turns out that the Forensic Psych test I'm supposed to have on Tuesday is actually not until NEXT Tuesday. Interesting, because now I have another entire week to study for it.
My Computer's exam isn't looking to be as hard as I thought it would be.
My parents are actually letting me move into my friend's house, if I want to.
I'm feeling much more calm and relaxed… And until this morning, I couldn't figure out why.
Turns out, some whiney wench psedo-spammer on Xforums.net cast a "Yanga" spell on those forumites she deemed to having "penis-sized grey cells" (which is supposed to be an insult to the size of our grey matter/brain cells). I wasn't sure what it meant, but one of the mods posted the definition of a Yanga spell a fire-sacrifice "bringing good fortune"…
Bright kid, that one.
Anyways… Yeah. Spring break has been very good to me so far. I needed this. To be at home, and not really do anything substantial for a while. It has given me time to think about things (life stuff), read, and basically hang out. Also, I seem to be shoring up my creative juices. Before I left, I was pretty sure that well was now permanently dry… I just felt that every story I was forcing down for prose was complete rubbish, and Prof. Stoke's little speech on academic slacking didn't help matters… now I’m here and I feel… things are coming back. I just have to pace myself. I can't keep forcing the issue like I was. I need to get back to the roots of where I was: the place I was when I was most creative. I need to re-find the girl I was in high school.
I don't know if it was my independence/social-phobia, my belief in the white arts, or my innocence… It was something I've lost now. Ambition? I used to do things for the community when I was younger. Internal communication, maybe? I used to come up with some really deep philosophical questions. Maybe, just maybe, it's the subject matter. Back then, I would write about running away, with a deep regret for leaving. Now, I write about the need to run away, and a resentment for staying… I don't think it's a need to remove self from place anymore, which adds to the new-ness, but a need to remove self from self… pick out the parts of me, the bad habits, that I can't have anymore (for sake of my sanity), and finally convincing myself to let go.
Letting Go.
I've never been able to let go. Things that guilted me back in the first grade still haunt me. Things that weren't even my fault follow me, nagging me, whispering "you screwed up then, you'll screw up now"… I can't even relax. I never learned how. The pressure on me since I was young… some times, I can see how unbearable it would have been. Hindsight is 20/20. I'm terrified. I'm not sure if it's reasonable or not… I'm terrified that if I start letting go: of guilt, of anxiety, of [cough] specific people [/cough], that I"ll start losing them. I can't stand the idea of letting go of hope that certain people will shape up, and not wind up on the streets. I can't imagine what would happen if I let go of… well, you know who, and he finds someone else. Or I do. I don't want to lose him, or what we have. He says we won't, but I’m not sure. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a cliff, and I'm hanging from the edge, watching my grip loosen. Sometimes I wonder if there's much left, or what would happen if I just let myself fall away.
Sometimes I wonder where a gal like me could get some cheap valium, no questions asked.
I guess that kinda makes my next "Old News" irrelivant. It's funny: in class, we talked about how fate is a wheel. It appears that what goes up, really must come down.
Yanga…works? - Written Feb 17/05
Well, that's interesting…
Turns out that the Forensic Psych test I'm supposed to have on Tuesday is actually not until NEXT Tuesday. Interesting, because now I have another entire week to study for it.
My Computer's exam isn't looking to be as hard as I thought it would be.
My parents are actually letting me move into my friend's house, if I want to.
I'm feeling much more calm and relaxed… And until this morning, I couldn't figure out why.
Turns out, some whiney wench psedo-spammer on Xforums.net cast a "Yanga" spell on those forumites she deemed to having "penis-sized grey cells" (which is supposed to be an insult to the size of our grey matter/brain cells). I wasn't sure what it meant, but one of the mods posted the definition of a Yanga spell a fire-sacrifice "bringing good fortune"…
Bright kid, that one.
Anyways… Yeah. Spring break has been very good to me so far. I needed this. To be at home, and not really do anything substantial for a while. It has given me time to think about things (life stuff), read, and basically hang out. Also, I seem to be shoring up my creative juices. Before I left, I was pretty sure that well was now permanently dry… I just felt that every story I was forcing down for prose was complete rubbish, and Prof. Stoke's little speech on academic slacking didn't help matters… now I’m here and I feel… things are coming back. I just have to pace myself. I can't keep forcing the issue like I was. I need to get back to the roots of where I was: the place I was when I was most creative. I need to re-find the girl I was in high school.
I don't know if it was my independence/social-phobia, my belief in the white arts, or my innocence… It was something I've lost now. Ambition? I used to do things for the community when I was younger. Internal communication, maybe? I used to come up with some really deep philosophical questions. Maybe, just maybe, it's the subject matter. Back then, I would write about running away, with a deep regret for leaving. Now, I write about the need to run away, and a resentment for staying… I don't think it's a need to remove self from place anymore, which adds to the new-ness, but a need to remove self from self… pick out the parts of me, the bad habits, that I can't have anymore (for sake of my sanity), and finally convincing myself to let go.
Letting Go.
I've never been able to let go. Things that guilted me back in the first grade still haunt me. Things that weren't even my fault follow me, nagging me, whispering "you screwed up then, you'll screw up now"… I can't even relax. I never learned how. The pressure on me since I was young… some times, I can see how unbearable it would have been. Hindsight is 20/20. I'm terrified. I'm not sure if it's reasonable or not… I'm terrified that if I start letting go: of guilt, of anxiety, of [cough] specific people [/cough], that I"ll start losing them. I can't stand the idea of letting go of hope that certain people will shape up, and not wind up on the streets. I can't imagine what would happen if I let go of… well, you know who, and he finds someone else. Or I do. I don't want to lose him, or what we have. He says we won't, but I’m not sure. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a cliff, and I'm hanging from the edge, watching my grip loosen. Sometimes I wonder if there's much left, or what would happen if I just let myself fall away.
Sometimes I wonder where a gal like me could get some cheap valium, no questions asked.
February 23, 2005
"Old News": The Obligatory Valentines Rant
So, here it is, "Old News" Post #1: The Obligatory Valentines Rant. You knew it had to be up here eventually. First, the Update...
Computers Midterm: Done. Don't think I did that well, but I have a compromise thing happening with myself. If all goes as planned, I should break Even.
Also: Finished Registering for all of my cources. I'm in a FULL, 30 Credit year next year, which I haven't truly done since first year. I'm in:
ENGL Genre: Romance
ENGL Studies in Drama (the Lit cource, not the Theatre one)
PSYC Learning
PSYC Psychology of Education
ENGL Children's Literature
PSYC Adult/Child Development
So, we carry on with the list. See how far I get tonight... I'll leave you with the Valentines Rant:
Be Still, my Bleeding Heart… (Written Feb 14/05)
So, here it is, ladies and gentlemen, another Valentines Day, and I'm alone. No posies or sweets from amorous suitors, no love letters, and no snugglies. I feel a bit torn about the whole affair. Valentines, really, is a Hallmark holiday, created to bolster the sales of cards, flowers and heart-shaped nickity-naks. St. Valentine, aparently, didn't even exist. So, being as pointless and commercial as it is, I shouldn't even be bothered with it…
On the other hand, despite the false sentimentality and the day's superficial nature, I would really like to be involved in a romantic relationship. I want to be swept off my feet, whisked off to a night of coffee and conversation, maybe a movie, and then plunge deeply into a sea of emotional and physical bliss. I want the gaudy flowers and the expensive chocolates. I want to lie in the warm embrace of another, not alone, at home, in a cold twin bed. Even if for one night, I want to be treated like the girls on TV, with astounded, testosterone-riddled boyfriends.
About 6 years ago today, I had my first experience of Valentines Day with a boyfriend… He dumped me. He said he didn't believe in the day, that it was a sham made up for inattentive husbands to make up for the other 364 days of neglect. Pretty astute for a high school senior who never graduated. Ever since, I've been alone on this day, not always out of choice. Last year, I received a single, long-stemmed rose from a close friend, and it made my day/week/month. At first it seemed silly and clichéd, but then I realized: It was a token of affection. It was some proof that, somewhere out there, there was someone who cared enough to buy into the hype for one day and celebrate the depth of our friendship.
By the look of things, I will be spending my Valentines alone at home until about 4pm, reading. Then Mom will probably bring home panzerottis, which is basically a medium cheese/ground beef pizza folded in half and deep-fried or baked, and then we'll go to Nan's for desert. A far cry from banter and innuendo over beers (which would have been perfect), but at least I will be spending time with people I love, and people who love me back.
I feel hollow inside. Like I want to cry, but what's the point. My last relationship was a classic (however failed) rebound, and barring that, I've (technically) been alone for better than 3 years now. I've had flings, and I have a deeply-rooted, spiritual/emotional/physical relationship, but nothing has, or will, come of any of them. In regards to the latter, he asked me when I last saw him, whether our relationship was hurting me more that it was benifiting me. He told me that he would "end it" (or cut ties) if it was (which would hurt me more than anything else he could possibly do, by the by…) I told him that it hurt, but I've accepted that that pain is a part of what we have, and I can deal with it. Tonight, I wonder. Only because, I know that there's a good chance that he won't be spending tonight alone. Then, I was healed. Tonight, it hurts. Not because of him, but because of me. I want things that don't, or can't, exist. We've been over this. It doesn't matter, really. Love is unyeilding, unfading and unfailing…At least, for me.
Computers Midterm: Done. Don't think I did that well, but I have a compromise thing happening with myself. If all goes as planned, I should break Even.
Also: Finished Registering for all of my cources. I'm in a FULL, 30 Credit year next year, which I haven't truly done since first year. I'm in:
ENGL Genre: Romance
ENGL Studies in Drama (the Lit cource, not the Theatre one)
PSYC Learning
PSYC Psychology of Education
ENGL Children's Literature
PSYC Adult/Child Development
So, we carry on with the list. See how far I get tonight... I'll leave you with the Valentines Rant:
Be Still, my Bleeding Heart… (Written Feb 14/05)
So, here it is, ladies and gentlemen, another Valentines Day, and I'm alone. No posies or sweets from amorous suitors, no love letters, and no snugglies. I feel a bit torn about the whole affair. Valentines, really, is a Hallmark holiday, created to bolster the sales of cards, flowers and heart-shaped nickity-naks. St. Valentine, aparently, didn't even exist. So, being as pointless and commercial as it is, I shouldn't even be bothered with it…
On the other hand, despite the false sentimentality and the day's superficial nature, I would really like to be involved in a romantic relationship. I want to be swept off my feet, whisked off to a night of coffee and conversation, maybe a movie, and then plunge deeply into a sea of emotional and physical bliss. I want the gaudy flowers and the expensive chocolates. I want to lie in the warm embrace of another, not alone, at home, in a cold twin bed. Even if for one night, I want to be treated like the girls on TV, with astounded, testosterone-riddled boyfriends.
About 6 years ago today, I had my first experience of Valentines Day with a boyfriend… He dumped me. He said he didn't believe in the day, that it was a sham made up for inattentive husbands to make up for the other 364 days of neglect. Pretty astute for a high school senior who never graduated. Ever since, I've been alone on this day, not always out of choice. Last year, I received a single, long-stemmed rose from a close friend, and it made my day/week/month. At first it seemed silly and clichéd, but then I realized: It was a token of affection. It was some proof that, somewhere out there, there was someone who cared enough to buy into the hype for one day and celebrate the depth of our friendship.
By the look of things, I will be spending my Valentines alone at home until about 4pm, reading. Then Mom will probably bring home panzerottis, which is basically a medium cheese/ground beef pizza folded in half and deep-fried or baked, and then we'll go to Nan's for desert. A far cry from banter and innuendo over beers (which would have been perfect), but at least I will be spending time with people I love, and people who love me back.
I feel hollow inside. Like I want to cry, but what's the point. My last relationship was a classic (however failed) rebound, and barring that, I've (technically) been alone for better than 3 years now. I've had flings, and I have a deeply-rooted, spiritual/emotional/physical relationship, but nothing has, or will, come of any of them. In regards to the latter, he asked me when I last saw him, whether our relationship was hurting me more that it was benifiting me. He told me that he would "end it" (or cut ties) if it was (which would hurt me more than anything else he could possibly do, by the by…) I told him that it hurt, but I've accepted that that pain is a part of what we have, and I can deal with it. Tonight, I wonder. Only because, I know that there's a good chance that he won't be spending tonight alone. Then, I was healed. Tonight, it hurts. Not because of him, but because of me. I want things that don't, or can't, exist. We've been over this. It doesn't matter, really. Love is unyeilding, unfading and unfailing…At least, for me.
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