I'm back! I'm feeling slightly more human now, so I thought I'd post. You know, cause I do that sometimes.
So, Christmas has came and went. It was nice: small, relativly quiet, got some nice stuff...Including:
-digital camera! Only holds about 20 pics right now
-more memory for my computer! Sweet Jesus!!
-a brand new MP3 player. My old one was awesome, but we started having some technological issues a few months back... not to mention the fact that it's 4 years old. It was time for something new. So, this one holds about 600 songs. I gave the old one to my grandmother, who's just figured out MSN messenger...
-SOCKS! Sexy, comfy, soft socks. The fluffy kind. *melts*
-Season 2 of Grey's Anatomy (*squee!*)
-Seasons 1&2 of Family Guy (I have season 3)
-Season 1 of Futurama
-flat iron for my hair (so I can look polished like the rest of the family)
-gift certs for Second Cup (do we even have one in NB?), La Senza (woo hoo bras!!), Zellers and Suzy Shier
-a diamond/pink saphire bracelet from Dad (so pretty...)
-a neat tea set for one with cats on it from Ash and Josh
-enough chocolate to put me into insulin shock
And, a rather interesting bit of info from my parents... If I can continue paying $400 rent, they will cover the balance of a one bedroom apartment. Which is nice. So, mom's been going insane trying to find me a place. she even has an ad here for me to check out... She has northbayclassifieds bookmarked on her computer! It's wild! She actually found one that fits all of her "specifications", except that it's not secure-entry. It's somewhere across from the Tim Hortons/A&P area. She wants me to check it out as soon as I go back.
She also wants me to start job hunting when I get back... for summer. Like, she wants me to find something in my field (or close to it) in North Bay, that's going to pay about $10/hour. I want some of the crack she's smoking. I'll go to some of the employment centres (YES, there's a temp agency somewhere, etc...), but I doubt I'll find anything.
So, I guess it's back to the factory for me in 2007. Which, really, isn't so bad. I've got a guarenteed spot coming back, because they've decided that now they want 2 people in weigh-up on all shifts (right now, there's still one shift that runs on one person), and the girl who took my spot just discovered that she's pregnant, so she'll be starting Maternity leave sometime in the summer. PLUS, and here's the exciting bit, as of Jan.1/07, we all get a 3% raise, and I got my 6 month raise (finally... I've only been there 4 years...) so even out on the floor, I'll be making more than $12/hour. And there's roumer going around that we might be getting a new contract (it's actually confirmed, but not "official" yet), which means scads of overtime (not that there isn't already). I could make a mint this summer. Or, I could do something that will look decent on my resume when I finally graduate.
No, I haven't gotten my grades yet. Kinda disappointed by that. I'm hoping that they'll be here next week, or that they were mailed to the house in North Bay instead (if they were, and you read this Mike, can you send me a quick message to let me know?) I know I haven't failed anything, or I would have gotten that letter before exams. I still want to know how I'm doing though.
So, I have next week "off" (monday is a holiday, tuesday and wednesday I'm at home, thursday I'm heading back to NB, friday is ROAD TRIP TIME!!), so I'll be working on my Secret Project (yeah, I'm totally gonna keep teasing people with that), Flyers for the Vagina Monologues, just incase; the Nipissing Women's Centre got back to me, and they are willing to help, but I don't think anyone's actually organizing from that end... I haven't heard back from NUSU or CSRC people yet. And, I'll be working on Thank You Cards from the Com Org class... no one from that class has gotten back to me on anything yet. I really don't know what to do now... Especially since there is a group who's sole purpose was to use the money we raised to go shopping for gift certs... but that isn't supposed to happen until January. What if they don't do it? I don't have access to the account, and the people that do are only here for 3 weeks. Grr.
Saddam Hussien is dead. It's a good thing... but for some reason, it seems like it was for the wrong reasons... I don't think anything truly good will come of this.
Anyways, I'm off to bed. One last Family Christmas tomorrow. It's going to be...interesting. People may or may not die. There may or may not be shotguns. I may or may not be drunk. All in all, should make for a good day... or not.
Hope to hear from y'all soon!
If you're going to screw it up, do it BIG... people will think you're doing it on Purpose.
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
December 30, 2006
December 14, 2006
Preparations
It's that time of year again... Time for my Anual Holiday Hiatus.
Well, ok, usually it's not a huge deal, and I manage to post a couple of times during the december break.
Don't expect it this year.
Yesterday, I found out that I did get my Factory job back for the holidays (yay!), but I'm working the afternoon shift, from 3-11pm. Usually, this wouldn't be an issue, but this year, I have christmas presents to shop for, and a special project in the works (most of you know what I'm talking about, and why I can't mention it here). Throw finishing the Com Org stuff into the mix (oh, yeah, that's still happening... More on that later), and actually, I don't know, RELAXING, I probably won't be spending much time harassing my dial-up connection this Christmas. In fact, I won't even be spending that much time with my family while I"m home. Huh. That's kinda depressing, actually.
Moving on.
The reason I'm writing this today instead of tomorrow is more of a schedualing thing than anything else. Tomorrow is going to just plain suck.
9am- Must Call Family Enrichment Program to get rid of some of the basement stuff.
9.30-10am - Must go to School and attempt to fix the OSAP mess
11am - Must be in Callander, dropping of as much of the remaining basement stuff as possible.
From When I get home from that - 5pm - Packing, checking car fluids, cleaning, checking, double checking and REchecking everything to make sure I haven't missed anything, laundry by the boat load.
5-6pm - whenever - Ducky's Christmas Party.
From then on, by god, will there be sleep. I plan to be on the road by 9am Saturday, picking up girls and heading for home.
So, my best wishes to all! Happy Holidays, and if I don't see you before, be safe, drive sober (please!), and I'll see everyone in January.
Cheers!
Well, ok, usually it's not a huge deal, and I manage to post a couple of times during the december break.
Don't expect it this year.
Yesterday, I found out that I did get my Factory job back for the holidays (yay!), but I'm working the afternoon shift, from 3-11pm. Usually, this wouldn't be an issue, but this year, I have christmas presents to shop for, and a special project in the works (most of you know what I'm talking about, and why I can't mention it here). Throw finishing the Com Org stuff into the mix (oh, yeah, that's still happening... More on that later), and actually, I don't know, RELAXING, I probably won't be spending much time harassing my dial-up connection this Christmas. In fact, I won't even be spending that much time with my family while I"m home. Huh. That's kinda depressing, actually.
Moving on.
The reason I'm writing this today instead of tomorrow is more of a schedualing thing than anything else. Tomorrow is going to just plain suck.
9am- Must Call Family Enrichment Program to get rid of some of the basement stuff.
9.30-10am - Must go to School and attempt to fix the OSAP mess
11am - Must be in Callander, dropping of as much of the remaining basement stuff as possible.
From When I get home from that - 5pm - Packing, checking car fluids, cleaning, checking, double checking and REchecking everything to make sure I haven't missed anything, laundry by the boat load.
5-6pm - whenever - Ducky's Christmas Party.
From then on, by god, will there be sleep. I plan to be on the road by 9am Saturday, picking up girls and heading for home.
So, my best wishes to all! Happy Holidays, and if I don't see you before, be safe, drive sober (please!), and I'll see everyone in January.
Cheers!
January 5, 2006
The All-incompasing Holiday post.
(From January 2, 2006)
Well, here we are. 2006. So far, it doesn't really feel any different from 2005.
Obviously, things haven't been going that great for me recently. Oh, don't get me wrong, Christmas was fantastic, and I did get my jingle-bell feeling, Christmas Eve of all days… It's what's to come that has me returning to old habits.
The pillow fort thing came back to me again. This time, there were actual schematics and passcodes and little flags. I had gone as far as divising a way to keep 12 bottles of water cold within the fort without cooling the fort itself before I managed to push the idea from my mind. Then the idea of running away came back. Of course, I'm still nervous getting into a car, so I wouldn't go that way, but still… I started thinking about following my sister's lead and vanishing to Vancouver for a week or two (she's taking her boyfriend for a week in January… must be nice).
The difference this time, as compared to the other times I've thought about running or hiding, is that this time, both feelings were accompanied by one phrase: "I don't want to go back". See, while I was here, I worked at Richardsons. This brought a lot of things to my attention, but one thing in particular stands out: people do actually make a career of doing this. People my age. And in this line of work, you know exactly what's happeneing from one day to the next, one week to the next, one month from now… there's nothing unpredictable about it. There's no need for a plan B, because there's very little about plan A that will change.
I've been having a lot of trouble dealing with the fact that my life has hit a very unstable patch. I don't really know what will be happening once I get back to the Bay, or once I get my grades back. I might not graduate this year. I might have to pick up another 3-credit course somehow. I might have to take a spring or summer course. I might not get into college. These are all pretty big "might" problems. And there's no way for me to control them right now, so all I can do is sit here and worry about it: come up with more plan B through Z's, plan and plot how I can survive on social assistance living in a van down by the river…
And it's not just school. I've become a bad roomate. I know this, and I want to fix it… I just don't want to face up to it to the guys. I'm terrified that there will be yelling. I can't deal with yelling; and I've felt guilty about the whole thing since I was told about it before Christmas, and because there's been really no way to correct it from here… All I can do is berate myself, so anything that can be said once I'm back up north will likely just be salt in the wound.
I had a bad, bad night Friday. It started just before 10pm, when I was getting ready for bed. Mom asked me what's been bothering me, and I broke. I cried for nearly an hour while I explained pretty much all of the above to her, and while she tried to help me figure out ways to correct what I've been doing wrong. Then I got online, started talking to Nathan, and cried unconsolably for another hour, before finally falling asleep. I don't know why I couldn't stop, but it got scary. I was pretty sure that I'd finally lost it. And of course, my face is now a red, scaly, peeling mess, which makes me feel all sorts of pretty… In short, my self esteem's shot, and in one weeks time, I will be heading back to a place that has a tendancy of kicking my self-esteem's ass. Not necessarily the house, but the town… the school, work (which may also be picking up), just…everything.
On top of all this, starting tomorrow, I have to completely overhaul my diet. Because I've had to start taking iron supliments, I have to cut out all fried foods, all excess fats and sugars (which kills about half of my current diet), double, if not triple, my intake of fibre and water, AND I have to start following a proper exercise program (not because of the iron, but because my Doc says so… it should help the Effexor work properly), as well as start regulating my sleep patterns. Ugh.
***
So, that was January 2nd. Not a happy place for me, obviously, and I'd like to say that things have changed, but they haven't much. I still don't really want to go back to North Bay. There are still a lot of uncertainties, and a few issues I have to face, but really would rather not. My emotions are messed up completely, and I find myself getting angry and frustrated for no real reason. But, mom has been helping me with some of my more "asthetic" problems, like the "take a half hour and just clean" regimine she has me on. I'm also starting to adjust my diet, though the progress is slow.
The only real bit of happy news I've gotten is that I managed to somehow pass Romance… I got 51%. I'm not sure how, but at least now one thing is certain: I *will* graduate Nipissing this year.
***
And that was yesterday.
Now, assuming you've read the post before this, you are pretty much up to date.
Cheers!
Well, here we are. 2006. So far, it doesn't really feel any different from 2005.
Obviously, things haven't been going that great for me recently. Oh, don't get me wrong, Christmas was fantastic, and I did get my jingle-bell feeling, Christmas Eve of all days… It's what's to come that has me returning to old habits.
The pillow fort thing came back to me again. This time, there were actual schematics and passcodes and little flags. I had gone as far as divising a way to keep 12 bottles of water cold within the fort without cooling the fort itself before I managed to push the idea from my mind. Then the idea of running away came back. Of course, I'm still nervous getting into a car, so I wouldn't go that way, but still… I started thinking about following my sister's lead and vanishing to Vancouver for a week or two (she's taking her boyfriend for a week in January… must be nice).
The difference this time, as compared to the other times I've thought about running or hiding, is that this time, both feelings were accompanied by one phrase: "I don't want to go back". See, while I was here, I worked at Richardsons. This brought a lot of things to my attention, but one thing in particular stands out: people do actually make a career of doing this. People my age. And in this line of work, you know exactly what's happeneing from one day to the next, one week to the next, one month from now… there's nothing unpredictable about it. There's no need for a plan B, because there's very little about plan A that will change.
I've been having a lot of trouble dealing with the fact that my life has hit a very unstable patch. I don't really know what will be happening once I get back to the Bay, or once I get my grades back. I might not graduate this year. I might have to pick up another 3-credit course somehow. I might have to take a spring or summer course. I might not get into college. These are all pretty big "might" problems. And there's no way for me to control them right now, so all I can do is sit here and worry about it: come up with more plan B through Z's, plan and plot how I can survive on social assistance living in a van down by the river…
And it's not just school. I've become a bad roomate. I know this, and I want to fix it… I just don't want to face up to it to the guys. I'm terrified that there will be yelling. I can't deal with yelling; and I've felt guilty about the whole thing since I was told about it before Christmas, and because there's been really no way to correct it from here… All I can do is berate myself, so anything that can be said once I'm back up north will likely just be salt in the wound.
I had a bad, bad night Friday. It started just before 10pm, when I was getting ready for bed. Mom asked me what's been bothering me, and I broke. I cried for nearly an hour while I explained pretty much all of the above to her, and while she tried to help me figure out ways to correct what I've been doing wrong. Then I got online, started talking to Nathan, and cried unconsolably for another hour, before finally falling asleep. I don't know why I couldn't stop, but it got scary. I was pretty sure that I'd finally lost it. And of course, my face is now a red, scaly, peeling mess, which makes me feel all sorts of pretty… In short, my self esteem's shot, and in one weeks time, I will be heading back to a place that has a tendancy of kicking my self-esteem's ass. Not necessarily the house, but the town… the school, work (which may also be picking up), just…everything.
On top of all this, starting tomorrow, I have to completely overhaul my diet. Because I've had to start taking iron supliments, I have to cut out all fried foods, all excess fats and sugars (which kills about half of my current diet), double, if not triple, my intake of fibre and water, AND I have to start following a proper exercise program (not because of the iron, but because my Doc says so… it should help the Effexor work properly), as well as start regulating my sleep patterns. Ugh.
***
So, that was January 2nd. Not a happy place for me, obviously, and I'd like to say that things have changed, but they haven't much. I still don't really want to go back to North Bay. There are still a lot of uncertainties, and a few issues I have to face, but really would rather not. My emotions are messed up completely, and I find myself getting angry and frustrated for no real reason. But, mom has been helping me with some of my more "asthetic" problems, like the "take a half hour and just clean" regimine she has me on. I'm also starting to adjust my diet, though the progress is slow.
The only real bit of happy news I've gotten is that I managed to somehow pass Romance… I got 51%. I'm not sure how, but at least now one thing is certain: I *will* graduate Nipissing this year.
***
And that was yesterday.
Now, assuming you've read the post before this, you are pretty much up to date.
Cheers!
December 18, 2005
Epic Bad Luck
Yeah, so I put the car in the ditch.
I'm fine, and the car came out of it with a crack in the frontend, but hell, talk about your run of bad luck. Friggin black ice. But, at least the tow out of the ditch (the snow was up to my thigh) was free, thanks to the good people at CAA, and I got all my shopping done, with the exception of a few things for people up north, but that can be gotten once I get through the holidays and prepare to head back to hell...
Well, it's not that bad. Nathan gave me a bit of a heads up: Aparently, Mike and Josh are upset that I haven't been keeping up my end of the housework. Understandable. I would be too. Honestly, I just couldn't keep up. I let things (personal, academic and otherwise) get too built up, and they all collapsed on me. I'm hoping next term, I can make a new, more focused start, both at professionally and personally. I mean, my grades are lagging, I've gained 15 pounds or more, I have no energy left, and my moods have been swinging like mad. Obviously there is more than one thing that needs to be fixed.
Well, I'm off to bed. Tomorrow I have to work on some of that house-work type stuff, since I'm confined to the house: Mom's terrified to let me get in a car.
6 more sleeps!
I'm fine, and the car came out of it with a crack in the frontend, but hell, talk about your run of bad luck. Friggin black ice. But, at least the tow out of the ditch (the snow was up to my thigh) was free, thanks to the good people at CAA, and I got all my shopping done, with the exception of a few things for people up north, but that can be gotten once I get through the holidays and prepare to head back to hell...
Well, it's not that bad. Nathan gave me a bit of a heads up: Aparently, Mike and Josh are upset that I haven't been keeping up my end of the housework. Understandable. I would be too. Honestly, I just couldn't keep up. I let things (personal, academic and otherwise) get too built up, and they all collapsed on me. I'm hoping next term, I can make a new, more focused start, both at professionally and personally. I mean, my grades are lagging, I've gained 15 pounds or more, I have no energy left, and my moods have been swinging like mad. Obviously there is more than one thing that needs to be fixed.
Well, I'm off to bed. Tomorrow I have to work on some of that house-work type stuff, since I'm confined to the house: Mom's terrified to let me get in a car.
6 more sleeps!
December 13, 2005
Humbug
I think Christmas for Sparky has been cancelled.
I feel like I have lost the Christmas spirit: I have nothing left to give, and everything I've been recieving recently has been negative. Good Will towards men has been replaced by criticism and tears. Christmas is a time to be spent with family, but I don't want to go home. I don't want to see my sister upset, or my dad angry with her about her choices. I don't want to deal with the fact that I have to hide my failures from him, or else his feelings about me as an airhead and a loser will be verified. My family does not accept failure well. I don't want to feel the tension resonating from my mother, and know that I'm partly to blame for it.
Most importantly, I don't want to wake up on December 25 to a full stocking and presents under the tree, because I don't deserve them. I failed Romance. I lost 3 credits, and it's those simple 3 credits that will stop me from graduating this year. It hurts horribly to know that if only I'd have tried harder, I would not only have those credits, but a decent grade to boot. I actually offended Prof. Plumstead by handing in that poor excuse for a paper; I'd have been better not handing anything in at all. And that's what I deserve: punishment for dicking around for the last 2 months on things like work and charity. I should have been focusing on my academic success and nothing else. That was the original plan, things just changed.
I feel like my body is full of cement, and I don't want to do anything. for the last three nights, Nathan has had to hold me while I cried inconsolably. I don't think I can do this anymore: it's hurting him, and hurting me more.
Well, I catch the bus tomorrow at 6am. I'll be in Toronto by 11.15, and home before 6pm.
Merry Christmas, indeed.
I feel like I have lost the Christmas spirit: I have nothing left to give, and everything I've been recieving recently has been negative. Good Will towards men has been replaced by criticism and tears. Christmas is a time to be spent with family, but I don't want to go home. I don't want to see my sister upset, or my dad angry with her about her choices. I don't want to deal with the fact that I have to hide my failures from him, or else his feelings about me as an airhead and a loser will be verified. My family does not accept failure well. I don't want to feel the tension resonating from my mother, and know that I'm partly to blame for it.
Most importantly, I don't want to wake up on December 25 to a full stocking and presents under the tree, because I don't deserve them. I failed Romance. I lost 3 credits, and it's those simple 3 credits that will stop me from graduating this year. It hurts horribly to know that if only I'd have tried harder, I would not only have those credits, but a decent grade to boot. I actually offended Prof. Plumstead by handing in that poor excuse for a paper; I'd have been better not handing anything in at all. And that's what I deserve: punishment for dicking around for the last 2 months on things like work and charity. I should have been focusing on my academic success and nothing else. That was the original plan, things just changed.
I feel like my body is full of cement, and I don't want to do anything. for the last three nights, Nathan has had to hold me while I cried inconsolably. I don't think I can do this anymore: it's hurting him, and hurting me more.
Well, I catch the bus tomorrow at 6am. I'll be in Toronto by 11.15, and home before 6pm.
Merry Christmas, indeed.
November 14, 2005
For the Greater Good
This post could also be refered to as Productivity at the Expense of Academia, or Mother Was Right...
Today begins "Le Suck: Season of the Unending Migrane". But why today? Because by the time the tests, assignmetns and exams are over, I'll be knee deep in Christmas shopping, wrapping, family and food.
Pass the Eggnog.
Nathan threw a very mild kitizzle at me this morning... So together, we came up with a compromise. Today, we shall accomplish things, in exchange for other things. He will exchange lying on the couch watching Troy for going to Yes! Employment services to update his resume, and then going Christmas shopping on what's left of his paycheque, and I will clean, study and make up my journals in exchange for Romance, the class that I no longer enjoy attending, Nanoing (which is beginning to look like a lost cause) and wild procrastination. THIS is not procrastination...It's a warm-up.
So, what needs to be done today?
1.Clean my room. Mom was right, I'm a slob. I accept that. Now I'm getting sick of it, and I'm running out of clean clothes again. So, unless I go on a shopping spree with the $0 I have, I'd better fire up the wash machines.
2. Study for Psych of Ed. The test itself shouldn't be too difficult, as I already knew a fair chunk of the material, and the rest of it is pretty common sense stuff. Nathan is coming back before 5pm to help me, so I'm going to be making up notes for that soon.
That may be all I get to today, as after class, Nathan and I have to make an apperance at Evolution Night Club for his cousin's birthday bash. His cousin is the bouncer, so there may be some cover/drink cost shenanigans, which could be a good thing.
Tomorrow, I will be: (after class)
1. Writing my kid lit journals. I seriously have NO inspiration for them. Like, I know what I want to say, I just don't know how to say it.
2. Reading the SparkNotes version on Ivanhoe for my romance paper. I know, I know... but as long as it's done, I can over-look the moral implications.
3. Starting my PSL essay. We've covered most of the material in class, it's just a matter of putting it together in a paper.
4. Starting my director's notebook. Nathan may be helping me with this, but not in an official context. More in a scribe context. He's a slow typer, but he works for kisses.
The Assignment I have for myself, should I get ANY of this accomplished, is my Nano. "Night of the Nano" died as fast as it was born. I can't remember if I actually updated my word count or not, but either way, I think I"m still short of 10K. I should be at 20K by now to be ontop of things. I'm sure Heather's done by now... *grumble* Either way, Like the Man, Chris Baty, says, Week Three sees the birth of many an Underdog, and I tend to be the queen of the underdog play.
Right, so Laundry. I'll update tomorrow when I've actually accomplished something. I'm good at making plans and lists, it's the followthru I need to work on.
*sigh*
Today begins "Le Suck: Season of the Unending Migrane". But why today? Because by the time the tests, assignmetns and exams are over, I'll be knee deep in Christmas shopping, wrapping, family and food.
Pass the Eggnog.
Nathan threw a very mild kitizzle at me this morning... So together, we came up with a compromise. Today, we shall accomplish things, in exchange for other things. He will exchange lying on the couch watching Troy for going to Yes! Employment services to update his resume, and then going Christmas shopping on what's left of his paycheque, and I will clean, study and make up my journals in exchange for Romance, the class that I no longer enjoy attending, Nanoing (which is beginning to look like a lost cause) and wild procrastination. THIS is not procrastination...It's a warm-up.
So, what needs to be done today?
1.Clean my room. Mom was right, I'm a slob. I accept that. Now I'm getting sick of it, and I'm running out of clean clothes again. So, unless I go on a shopping spree with the $0 I have, I'd better fire up the wash machines.
2. Study for Psych of Ed. The test itself shouldn't be too difficult, as I already knew a fair chunk of the material, and the rest of it is pretty common sense stuff. Nathan is coming back before 5pm to help me, so I'm going to be making up notes for that soon.
That may be all I get to today, as after class, Nathan and I have to make an apperance at Evolution Night Club for his cousin's birthday bash. His cousin is the bouncer, so there may be some cover/drink cost shenanigans, which could be a good thing.
Tomorrow, I will be: (after class)
1. Writing my kid lit journals. I seriously have NO inspiration for them. Like, I know what I want to say, I just don't know how to say it.
2. Reading the SparkNotes version on Ivanhoe for my romance paper. I know, I know... but as long as it's done, I can over-look the moral implications.
3. Starting my PSL essay. We've covered most of the material in class, it's just a matter of putting it together in a paper.
4. Starting my director's notebook. Nathan may be helping me with this, but not in an official context. More in a scribe context. He's a slow typer, but he works for kisses.
The Assignment I have for myself, should I get ANY of this accomplished, is my Nano. "Night of the Nano" died as fast as it was born. I can't remember if I actually updated my word count or not, but either way, I think I"m still short of 10K. I should be at 20K by now to be ontop of things. I'm sure Heather's done by now... *grumble* Either way, Like the Man, Chris Baty, says, Week Three sees the birth of many an Underdog, and I tend to be the queen of the underdog play.
Right, so Laundry. I'll update tomorrow when I've actually accomplished something. I'm good at making plans and lists, it's the followthru I need to work on.
*sigh*
January 1, 2005
No More I Love You's.
Originally Written Dec 30, 2004.
I've made note in the past few posts that I'm making some changes. Not just because I want to, or because I need to, but I have to. My life is evolving, I'm evolving…
And I have no clue how to deal with it.
I wish I had a solid idea of what I'm leaping so readily into. I mean, the abstract is there, but the specifics are very blurry. Career, living arrangements, education… these fundamental pieces of my puzzle are sketchy at best. That's the scary part. I know what I want. I know what I should be working towards, but it doesn't seem to fit with reality.
You know, I think it would be nice to have someone beside me. Someone whose maybe gone through this stuff already who can help me. Someone who can offer encouragement, or at least help me focus. Everything's so… big. There seems to be a lot of bigness going on. Big changes.
My god, I just felt it. After high school, once I started fitting in, I got a ready feeling. A feeling like I was ready to move on. I just felt it again. Like, I'm really ready to start fresh, leave everyone behind and move on. I know the new life I will eventually start won't involve everyone currently in my life, but… this feels like a completeness. Like, with the exception of a possible 2 people, I could do it. I could walk away from it all and start fresh somewhere else. I'm thinking now about the things I would take with me. The leadership and confidance I have learned, strength, courage, wisdom… Faith. Faith in myself, because faith in others is difficult at best. I could start things, run projects.
I think I have to leave him. Todd, my…whatever you are to me, I think I'm soon going to have to leave you behind. I'm very scared of this… I don't want to. But I think, unless I get my chance at bat soon, I'm going to have to walk away from you and start fresh. After we talked, I felt healed, but with so much thought put into moving on… Could it be that you were just a phase in my life? Maybe that's the deeper issue… you're not willing yet to prove me wrong. We should talk. Soon.
I've made note in the past few posts that I'm making some changes. Not just because I want to, or because I need to, but I have to. My life is evolving, I'm evolving…
And I have no clue how to deal with it.
I wish I had a solid idea of what I'm leaping so readily into. I mean, the abstract is there, but the specifics are very blurry. Career, living arrangements, education… these fundamental pieces of my puzzle are sketchy at best. That's the scary part. I know what I want. I know what I should be working towards, but it doesn't seem to fit with reality.
You know, I think it would be nice to have someone beside me. Someone whose maybe gone through this stuff already who can help me. Someone who can offer encouragement, or at least help me focus. Everything's so… big. There seems to be a lot of bigness going on. Big changes.
My god, I just felt it. After high school, once I started fitting in, I got a ready feeling. A feeling like I was ready to move on. I just felt it again. Like, I'm really ready to start fresh, leave everyone behind and move on. I know the new life I will eventually start won't involve everyone currently in my life, but… this feels like a completeness. Like, with the exception of a possible 2 people, I could do it. I could walk away from it all and start fresh somewhere else. I'm thinking now about the things I would take with me. The leadership and confidance I have learned, strength, courage, wisdom… Faith. Faith in myself, because faith in others is difficult at best. I could start things, run projects.
I think I have to leave him. Todd, my…whatever you are to me, I think I'm soon going to have to leave you behind. I'm very scared of this… I don't want to. But I think, unless I get my chance at bat soon, I'm going to have to walk away from you and start fresh. After we talked, I felt healed, but with so much thought put into moving on… Could it be that you were just a phase in my life? Maybe that's the deeper issue… you're not willing yet to prove me wrong. We should talk. Soon.
Strange Days...
Originally written Dec 29, 2004
Human beings have an incredable capacity for development and change. This is one thing that has always astounded me, and confused me. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that such change can be real; what with the superficial nature of our generation's ideals. However, when it's personal, internal change, you know. You can tell whether change is real, or something you are adopting for society's sake, or just to annoy your parents.
Change was a major theme for me last year, and it appears as though it will continue to be in 2005. Change in who I am, and in what I am.
Almost 6 months ago, Todd and I had a conversation about the difference between who you are, and what you are: what labels you apply to yourself. Saying something like: "I am a teacher" is a "what you are". Not long ago, I realized that who you are is an internal. It is something you are, that is undescribable, but it is constant. Though it evolves as you do, the basic principle will never change, no matter how much we try to ignore it, or force it to.
I discovered more about myself in the past month that I haven't had time to discuss. There have been things in the last few weeks that should have really frightened me, but haven't. There have been things that are changing, or that have already changed, and that I'm now accepting.
For the last couple weeks, I've been thinking about the possibility of…family. I look at the number of people I knew in grade school who are married with children, and sometimes I wonder if I'm falling behind. But the thought of having children of my own… It should have been scary. I decided when I was 10 that I was never, ever having kids of my own, and the reasons why have snowballed ever since. But when I thought the chance was there… I wasn't scared at all. I just, accepted it. Which was strange. It felt almost normal. Like it was something I should have been expecting anyways. Though, I suppose that may be biology or evolution… I am in my "prime childbearing years". And I'm starting to think that maybe someday I might want my own family. Right now, I'd settle for a home and a cat…
Which leads me to my next point. Home. There's a song by Three Day's Grace: "This house is not a home…I'm better off alone…" I'm starting to get that itch BADLY. The roomates have been… less than hospitable regarding my workschedual, and I'm aparently the one who has to bend because of it. Bending for work, for school, for friends, for myself… I'd bent enough to break when they made their move. I've realized that my life style just doesn’t include roomates, unless they know me. So, I'm searching for a place of my own, with walls I can paint, and dishes and groceries that are my own, and don't have to fit into my bar fridge and 3 shelves of space…
I've discovered that it's time for me to grow up. Or, that I have grown up, and I need my situation to reflect that. It's hard, and a little scary, but I think I'm ready for it. Finally.
Human beings have an incredable capacity for development and change. This is one thing that has always astounded me, and confused me. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that such change can be real; what with the superficial nature of our generation's ideals. However, when it's personal, internal change, you know. You can tell whether change is real, or something you are adopting for society's sake, or just to annoy your parents.
Change was a major theme for me last year, and it appears as though it will continue to be in 2005. Change in who I am, and in what I am.
Almost 6 months ago, Todd and I had a conversation about the difference between who you are, and what you are: what labels you apply to yourself. Saying something like: "I am a teacher" is a "what you are". Not long ago, I realized that who you are is an internal. It is something you are, that is undescribable, but it is constant. Though it evolves as you do, the basic principle will never change, no matter how much we try to ignore it, or force it to.
I discovered more about myself in the past month that I haven't had time to discuss. There have been things in the last few weeks that should have really frightened me, but haven't. There have been things that are changing, or that have already changed, and that I'm now accepting.
For the last couple weeks, I've been thinking about the possibility of…family. I look at the number of people I knew in grade school who are married with children, and sometimes I wonder if I'm falling behind. But the thought of having children of my own… It should have been scary. I decided when I was 10 that I was never, ever having kids of my own, and the reasons why have snowballed ever since. But when I thought the chance was there… I wasn't scared at all. I just, accepted it. Which was strange. It felt almost normal. Like it was something I should have been expecting anyways. Though, I suppose that may be biology or evolution… I am in my "prime childbearing years". And I'm starting to think that maybe someday I might want my own family. Right now, I'd settle for a home and a cat…
Which leads me to my next point. Home. There's a song by Three Day's Grace: "This house is not a home…I'm better off alone…" I'm starting to get that itch BADLY. The roomates have been… less than hospitable regarding my workschedual, and I'm aparently the one who has to bend because of it. Bending for work, for school, for friends, for myself… I'd bent enough to break when they made their move. I've realized that my life style just doesn’t include roomates, unless they know me. So, I'm searching for a place of my own, with walls I can paint, and dishes and groceries that are my own, and don't have to fit into my bar fridge and 3 shelves of space…
I've discovered that it's time for me to grow up. Or, that I have grown up, and I need my situation to reflect that. It's hard, and a little scary, but I think I'm ready for it. Finally.
December 23, 2004
Quickie
I don't have much time... I just wanted to take this chance to keep anyone who might possibly read this in the loop.
-I've started a fantasy novel, based on an old, OLD fanfic from 2 years ago. "Battle For Azurah" is complete up to Chapter 3. Also, I've been concidering converting part of it into an RPG, to provide some inspiration. It will be a while before it gets there though.
-I will begin house-hunting in January. I need a place, and where I am now has quickly lost it's title of "home". I need somewhere I can personalize to be my working space: somewhere I can go without being bombarded by spoilt children. So, apartment hunting I shall go.
-I have decided that I've grown entierly too soft. Therefore, New Years Resolution 2005 is to return to the gym. Strangly enough, that is also part of "Project: Roomate Avoidance..." I need to strengthen my arms, definatly, and re-shape my back. The muscles there are currently too weak to keep my shoulders straight and support my... ample assets. There had to be one down-side to them...
So, be assured, much work is being done. My connection (dial-up... blek) is preventing me from posting new material, but it is there, and will be here in early January.
My love, and a Merry Christmas. See you in '05.
-I've started a fantasy novel, based on an old, OLD fanfic from 2 years ago. "Battle For Azurah" is complete up to Chapter 3. Also, I've been concidering converting part of it into an RPG, to provide some inspiration. It will be a while before it gets there though.
-I will begin house-hunting in January. I need a place, and where I am now has quickly lost it's title of "home". I need somewhere I can personalize to be my working space: somewhere I can go without being bombarded by spoilt children. So, apartment hunting I shall go.
-I have decided that I've grown entierly too soft. Therefore, New Years Resolution 2005 is to return to the gym. Strangly enough, that is also part of "Project: Roomate Avoidance..." I need to strengthen my arms, definatly, and re-shape my back. The muscles there are currently too weak to keep my shoulders straight and support my... ample assets. There had to be one down-side to them...
So, be assured, much work is being done. My connection (dial-up... blek) is preventing me from posting new material, but it is there, and will be here in early January.
My love, and a Merry Christmas. See you in '05.
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