The Quiet

written April 28/05

I'm here alone in the house. Well, I'm not alone, the dog's here, and the cat's downstairs, and my sister is somewhere… But I feel alone. Completely alone. It's so quiet and still: there's a storm blowing in. Even the house is cold and damp. There's been so much rain in the last few days, but once it stops, everything's going to explode with new growth and regeneration. It's almost a little scary: watching everything bloom and grow and green around you, and wondering if you're blooming too. Obviously I feel different, but I'm still very nervous about my future. I wish it wasn't such a huge source of Anxiety for me: I look at my friends, and it sometimes seems like they have everything set and planned out. Even those who should be worried don’t. It makes me wonder why I do worry so much.

I think this fear/nervousness stems from time. This past school year went by increadably fast. Too fast. I'm a bit bewildered by it. I know I accomplished a lot, but it just feels like it all sped by, and I feel a bit lost. And I keep thinking, if this year went by so quickly, what will happen next year, when my schedual will be completely packed (already, it's looking like time is going to be an endangered species), and I will be preparing for graduation. Graduation. Just the thought of it makes my stomach lurch a bit. I mean, that's 4 years of my life. 4 years of training and work and papers and tests and for what? Where will I go next? It's hard to sit still when so much is up in the air, but there's really nothing I can do right now.

Choices and Opertunaties present themselves every day. Doors open, and whichever door you walk through will create a different path, with other different doors, and paths, and even some windows where you can see what the other paths look like. Sometimes these views are reassuring, and comfort us in the knowledge that we've ultimatly made the right decision. There are other instances, though, which show us a happier picture than where we are. Problem is, it's not ours. Even if we could climb through that window and be that other life, it wouldn't be our lives; our choice.

It's hard to come to terms with the fact that I'm here. It's even harder to realize that I’m now 21, and the choices that I've made have lead me here, and shaped who I am. And I do like most of it (now), it's just that sometimes I feel insecure, like I'm on a limb that's not yet strong enough to support my weight.

I can't accept the fact that I'm an adult. I doubt everyone really does. I feel like I need more training, or like I need some kind of checklist. I don't feel like I'm there yet. Sometimes I worry about what will happen when I'm out on my own, living alone, working, paying my own bills… I don't even like to think about what will happen when I have a family. Having to support a man is one thing, but a child who can't survive on it's own… one who can't eat, can't speak, or function without me. That is the ultimate dependance. With a man, though it appears that they can't eat, clean or appear civilized without a woman's intervention, I would be solid in the knowledge that a grown man is his own person, and his choices are his own. If I were to leave a man, he would be able to survive all by himself. But a child has no means of survival aside from me. I can barely function on my own!

I don't think I'll ever have children. Aside from the aforementioned reason, I wouldn't want a child to go through what I've been through. The teasing, the emotional problems, the acne, the psychological malfunctions… not to mention the physical mess that is growing up. Everyone goes through it… I just don't know if I can handle it.

I'm sure I will, when the time comes. Insecurity is the pre-thought. In the moment, strength comes, whether you want it to or not.

At Rest

First, an apology to Todd. Next time, I will talk to you about things before I post them here. I honestly didn't think you really read this! I'm sorry I've made you uncomfortable. At least now I know that I can talk to you about these things.

Ok. So, it's almost over. The presentation is done, the tests and papers are over (with the exception of 1), and the play opens tomorrow night.

*spoink*

God, I've never been this nervous about a play. I'm trying not to be. I've been told that I invest too much emotion in everything I do, which is true, but it's part of who I am. I don't know how not to. This play is the perfect example. I never wanted to become this emotionally involved in the show. I guess it's just the thesbian in me... I crave the drama.

I've also come to the realization that for all the self-evolution I attempt, I'm forgetting to change the important parts. Last night, Todd told me that I should stop changing myself to be with other people, but I think that's a bit of a catch-22. If I don't change, I don't evolve, and therefore stop learning. I don't have any reason to change for myself, with the exception of what I've discovered in the past few weeks. I'm emotionally abusive in my relationships. I'm jealous, I have anger issues, and I'm aparently more manipulative than even I thought I was. These are things that need to change, and I think it comes back to my needing to let go. I don't want to lose what I have, especially with Todd, but I have to learn to let go.

Other situations have been presented to me in the past few weeks. It's really making me re-evaluate what I want/need as both an individual and as a woman. I feel... "transitory" (Todd's word of the night last night). Like, I'm in the midst of major changes personally (not as much professionally unfortunatly), but I can't see them. Or, that opertunaties have been presented, and the choices I make will affect me for a long time, and I can't decide whether I should stay in the comfort area (where I'm happy) or take a risk. I know that taking the risk is usually the best option, but this time, I feel like I should... stand still. Wait. Which is odd, usually I wish I could run.

Flirt

So, it turns out the guy is just a blatant tease. Oh, well. Not that I actually had some hope that he may actually want me enought to spend a bit of time hanging out with me, go for coffee, have sex and eventually settle down in a modest studio apartment with a cat and big career plans. Oh no. That didn't happen at all.

Actually, it didn't. I was just hoping that there was someone in this frost-bitten little town that actually saw me as more than just an executive, another theatre tech or that girl who talks really loudly in the caf. I was hoping for more of a "Hey, your kinda interesting, wanna go for coffee/beer some night when we're both not busy?" response. Though, I suppose if that were the case, he would have come out and said "Hey, your kinda interesting, wanna go for coffee/beer some night when we're both not busy?", rather than literally sweeping me off my feet. Damn.

Ever get that feeling like you're going to be alone forever? I know I'm probably not, but I thought I'd accepted the fact that most guys don't see me as anything more than a casual fling. For some reason, this opened a wound... or threw salt in one that was already there. I guess I should try and be more self-sufficient: try and grow more into my independance, and try and see it as a good thing. Mom always said that the good ones pop up when you're not looking for them. Maybe it is time to just stop looking and... *sighs* Of course, that's not what I want to do. Maybe I need to put myself out there more: go out, do things where I could meet people, maybe open myself up more.

Maybe I just need a change of self.

To be Continued...?

"Old News": Yanga-tastic?

I can't take this anymore. I just got drafted into the play (I have 3 weeks to memorize my lines) because people aren't showing up. People spent 15 minutes bitching about how we only have three weeks until the show and lines aren't memorized, and now they've wasted over an hour playing Character building games that should have been done about 3 months ago. I can't do my work becasue I can't focus, and I can't find anyone else who wants to work on Tuesday at the theatre (my boss asked me to look). GrrrRRrr.

I guess that kinda makes my next "Old News" irrelivant. It's funny: in class, we talked about how fate is a wheel. It appears that what goes up, really must come down.

Yanga…works? - Written Feb 17/05

Well, that's interesting…

Turns out that the Forensic Psych test I'm supposed to have on Tuesday is actually not until NEXT Tuesday. Interesting, because now I have another entire week to study for it.

My Computer's exam isn't looking to be as hard as I thought it would be.

My parents are actually letting me move into my friend's house, if I want to.

I'm feeling much more calm and relaxed… And until this morning, I couldn't figure out why.

Turns out, some whiney wench psedo-spammer on Xforums.net cast a "Yanga" spell on those forumites she deemed to having "penis-sized grey cells" (which is supposed to be an insult to the size of our grey matter/brain cells). I wasn't sure what it meant, but one of the mods posted the definition of a Yanga spell a fire-sacrifice "bringing good fortune"…

Bright kid, that one.

Anyways… Yeah. Spring break has been very good to me so far. I needed this. To be at home, and not really do anything substantial for a while. It has given me time to think about things (life stuff), read, and basically hang out. Also, I seem to be shoring up my creative juices. Before I left, I was pretty sure that well was now permanently dry… I just felt that every story I was forcing down for prose was complete rubbish, and Prof. Stoke's little speech on academic slacking didn't help matters… now I’m here and I feel… things are coming back. I just have to pace myself. I can't keep forcing the issue like I was. I need to get back to the roots of where I was: the place I was when I was most creative. I need to re-find the girl I was in high school.

I don't know if it was my independence/social-phobia, my belief in the white arts, or my innocence… It was something I've lost now. Ambition? I used to do things for the community when I was younger. Internal communication, maybe? I used to come up with some really deep philosophical questions. Maybe, just maybe, it's the subject matter. Back then, I would write about running away, with a deep regret for leaving. Now, I write about the need to run away, and a resentment for staying… I don't think it's a need to remove self from place anymore, which adds to the new-ness, but a need to remove self from self… pick out the parts of me, the bad habits, that I can't have anymore (for sake of my sanity), and finally convincing myself to let go.

Letting Go.

I've never been able to let go. Things that guilted me back in the first grade still haunt me. Things that weren't even my fault follow me, nagging me, whispering "you screwed up then, you'll screw up now"… I can't even relax. I never learned how. The pressure on me since I was young… some times, I can see how unbearable it would have been. Hindsight is 20/20. I'm terrified. I'm not sure if it's reasonable or not… I'm terrified that if I start letting go: of guilt, of anxiety, of [cough] specific people [/cough], that I"ll start losing them. I can't stand the idea of letting go of hope that certain people will shape up, and not wind up on the streets. I can't imagine what would happen if I let go of… well, you know who, and he finds someone else. Or I do. I don't want to lose him, or what we have. He says we won't, but I’m not sure. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a cliff, and I'm hanging from the edge, watching my grip loosen. Sometimes I wonder if there's much left, or what would happen if I just let myself fall away.

Sometimes I wonder where a gal like me could get some cheap valium, no questions asked.

Salvage Operation

Right, so I got the essay done, just in the nic of time. Go me. Of course, after doing that, my brain was so fried that I wasn't able to study for my Forensic Psych test, which I bombed. Boo. But at least I went shopping. I've developed a strange friendship with yogurt... It's like, healthy ice cream. At least this time I smartened up and bought the fat-free stuff...

My life is, once again, a bit of a mess. And I've found the cause: My space. That's right, it's my room that's making my life hectic. I don't know if it's actually part of Feng Shui or anything, but I find that my room is literally sucking the energy out of me. I'll stand in the one clear patch of floor, staring at the mess feeling compleatly... unraveled. And then I go into Sarah's room... I feel much calmer. I think it's because the energy flowing through her room isn't being blocked by junk. Mine is.

So, tomorrow and Thursday are going to be my salvage days. Once I get my JavaScripting test over with tomorrow morning, I'll come home and immediatly do laundry and dishes... That should kill at least 45% of the clutter right there. maybe more...

I want to move things around... Change things up. I've almost come up with a floor plan that would allow me to do that without blocking my outlets and such. I need a change.

Todd and I had a very pleasent conversation tonight. It was like talking to him as though he was here. I can't wait to see him.

I think I'm going to sleep. I need fresh eyes for the morning. I'd like to figure out what's weighing me down... I feel lethargic a lot. Like I'm in that "sleep-fog" all day. I don't think that's just my room. We'll see.

One of these days, I'm going to get back to writing proper rants, like before. Right now, I'm just Working through the hard stuff. It's nice to know that people are seeing what I'm accomplishing (or not)... Feel free to comment on what I'm saying. Or, just let me know who is actually reading... Ok... Sleep now.

G'night.

The More things change...

You know, it's true: The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I've been talking a lot about change. And so far, the personal stuff has gone pretty well. I'm starting to work things out, clean up my "loose ends" and whatnot... It's the external stuff that is at a standstill.

As much as I want them to change, people around me are hanging on to old, frustrating habits. It seems that the drive for self improvement is not as contageous as I thought it might be. Because of this, I'm starting to sense a bit of strain in certain relationships. Especially when talk of family and marriage comes into play. Even talk of living arangements get tense...

It's still hard to let go. It's hard to stop playing my friend's keeper, because I know that if I don't, no one will, and he will continue on this spiral (blaming anyone else, of course), and I will have to watch a good friend crash and burn. I don't want to see him gutter out, but I can't keep fighting him, especially when his girlfriend has given up as well, and I believe she resents me for my efforts. And, it's hard to let go of hope. Hope that other players will make their moves. Hope that new characters will make an apperance. Hope that fantasy doesn't have to be compleatly seperate from reality...

In any case, Things have change. But a lot, the principles, the "real" stuff, has stayed. The people I cared about, I still do. I always will. So, really, the more I change, the more the real parts of me stay the same.

{Edited for missing words...}

Progress Report

So, things are moving rather slowly right now. Kind of annoying, but not terrible. I'm working toward all of those goals I set out for myself, but I'm finding myself to be rather... lazy.

I think I should maybe be prioritizing things a bit better. Before I attempt to do anything else, I should probably re-set my circadium rhythm. I don't understand why, but waking up more than an hour before I"m slated to be somewhere is becoming an issue. Maybe it's because my room is so cold I face hypothermia just getting out of bed. God, I need my own place...

It's just hard to get up when there's nothing to get up for. If I'm meeting someone, or going somewhere, or someone depends on me, it's not a problem. But when it's just something I"m planning to do, I manage to convince myself that just a few more minutes of blissful oblivion isn't such a bad thing. Yet, I'll stay up all hours of the night waiting for someone to call, or to want to talk, or to actually be online... you know, I have 35 people on my messenger list, and currently 11 are online, but only one of those people is not set to "away" or "busy"... When I'm online, it's because I want to talk to someone. Makes life easier that way.

So, it appears I have things to do. I have research that could be done, readings (though reading Shakespeare in first folio is much like reading an AOL chat transcript between 16 year old "ghetto thug pimps"), studying... Granted, I did many sit-ups tonight. You know there's nothing on TV when... I just don't feel like doing it right now. I can't take breaks between projects; I won't get started again! Maybe that's why I don't want to take time off from my education to work.

Anyway, I have some clutter to clear out, so I'm in the market for a table. That's right; just a coffee table that I can use for now to create the horizontal space I need to make this place live-able. Also, it will be my first real, live piece of furnatre, that I will own, and that I will posess to take with me to my next space. I'm excited about it! I have a bed-side table that my parents got me, and possibly a hand-me-down desk, but this would be my posession.

I'm off then. Weekend approaches, and I should go to sleep now before I get my second wind. There's JavaScripting and Shakespeare to be had in the morning. Glee.

On the lighter side:

And now, for something compleatly different!

The top 10 things I'd like to do in 2005, that I either haven't done, do don't do nearly enough:

10. Go to the bar alone and hang out.

9. Read actual books.

8. Start working on my "List". It's a list of all the books, movies and other media I'm supposed to indulge in.

7. Go for walks. I've lived in this city for 3 years, and I barely know where anything is!

6. Stick to deadlines. I'm sure this will make me a happier person in the long run...

5. Go for a "left turn tour". Drive around and take every left turn you come to, even if it only takes you in circles.

4. Re-arrange my furnature. Feng Shui, all the way!

3. Sing Kereoke. I don't do that enough!

2. Play my Guitar. So much to learn, Calluses to build...

1. Think Positivley! Being negative is a bad habit, and I have a few too many of those.

Anyways, there are lots of other things I need to do. These are the frivolous things I should do for my own happiness. Health wise, I'm trying to lose weight (starting tomorrow...) and ix my posture. Academically, I want to work on better ways to study. I need to pull my grades up a rediculous amount. And for my own sanity: I need to learn to organize!

Easier said than done, but I like a challenge.

No More I Love You's.

Originally Written Dec 30, 2004.

I've made note in the past few posts that I'm making some changes. Not just because I want to, or because I need to, but I have to. My life is evolving, I'm evolving…

And I have no clue how to deal with it.

I wish I had a solid idea of what I'm leaping so readily into. I mean, the abstract is there, but the specifics are very blurry. Career, living arrangements, education… these fundamental pieces of my puzzle are sketchy at best. That's the scary part. I know what I want. I know what I should be working towards, but it doesn't seem to fit with reality.

You know, I think it would be nice to have someone beside me. Someone whose maybe gone through this stuff already who can help me. Someone who can offer encouragement, or at least help me focus. Everything's so… big. There seems to be a lot of bigness going on. Big changes.

My god, I just felt it. After high school, once I started fitting in, I got a ready feeling. A feeling like I was ready to move on. I just felt it again. Like, I'm really ready to start fresh, leave everyone behind and move on. I know the new life I will eventually start won't involve everyone currently in my life, but… this feels like a completeness. Like, with the exception of a possible 2 people, I could do it. I could walk away from it all and start fresh somewhere else. I'm thinking now about the things I would take with me. The leadership and confidance I have learned, strength, courage, wisdom… Faith. Faith in myself, because faith in others is difficult at best. I could start things, run projects.

I think I have to leave him. Todd, my…whatever you are to me, I think I'm soon going to have to leave you behind. I'm very scared of this… I don't want to. But I think, unless I get my chance at bat soon, I'm going to have to walk away from you and start fresh. After we talked, I felt healed, but with so much thought put into moving on… Could it be that you were just a phase in my life? Maybe that's the deeper issue… you're not willing yet to prove me wrong. We should talk. Soon.

Strange Days...

Originally written Dec 29, 2004

Human beings have an incredable capacity for development and change. This is one thing that has always astounded me, and confused me. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that such change can be real; what with the superficial nature of our generation's ideals. However, when it's personal, internal change, you know. You can tell whether change is real, or something you are adopting for society's sake, or just to annoy your parents.

Change was a major theme for me last year, and it appears as though it will continue to be in 2005. Change in who I am, and in what I am.

Almost 6 months ago, Todd and I had a conversation about the difference between who you are, and what you are: what labels you apply to yourself. Saying something like: "I am a teacher" is a "what you are". Not long ago, I realized that who you are is an internal. It is something you are, that is undescribable, but it is constant. Though it evolves as you do, the basic principle will never change, no matter how much we try to ignore it, or force it to.

I discovered more about myself in the past month that I haven't had time to discuss. There have been things in the last few weeks that should have really frightened me, but haven't. There have been things that are changing, or that have already changed, and that I'm now accepting.

For the last couple weeks, I've been thinking about the possibility of…family. I look at the number of people I knew in grade school who are married with children, and sometimes I wonder if I'm falling behind. But the thought of having children of my own… It should have been scary. I decided when I was 10 that I was never, ever having kids of my own, and the reasons why have snowballed ever since. But when I thought the chance was there… I wasn't scared at all. I just, accepted it. Which was strange. It felt almost normal. Like it was something I should have been expecting anyways. Though, I suppose that may be biology or evolution… I am in my "prime childbearing years". And I'm starting to think that maybe someday I might want my own family. Right now, I'd settle for a home and a cat…

Which leads me to my next point. Home. There's a song by Three Day's Grace: "This house is not a home…I'm better off alone…" I'm starting to get that itch BADLY. The roomates have been… less than hospitable regarding my workschedual, and I'm aparently the one who has to bend because of it. Bending for work, for school, for friends, for myself… I'd bent enough to break when they made their move. I've realized that my life style just doesn’t include roomates, unless they know me. So, I'm searching for a place of my own, with walls I can paint, and dishes and groceries that are my own, and don't have to fit into my bar fridge and 3 shelves of space…

I've discovered that it's time for me to grow up. Or, that I have grown up, and I need my situation to reflect that. It's hard, and a little scary, but I think I'm ready for it. Finally.

Newly Different

I tried to update last night but the box froze. Go figure...

Anyways, I haven't posted in a while. I know I just started, but I felt I needed a break. This thing had kinda started out on a negative note, and that wasn't the original intent. I've decided to start over. Sort of. The issues I discussed before haven't really gone away, they're just... not as pressing as they once were.

I'm trying to make some changes in my life. I've noticed that I'm not where I could/should be. My grades are too low for me to do anything with my degree once I get it, and I can't do much to get them high enough for... Well, I've decided that maybe I was right all along. maybe I should teach. But now that I've finally made that decision, I'm finding out that my average is just too low for that to happen, and I don't have any real experiance teaching. So, I've decided that I'm going to try. I'm going to do my best to bring my grades up as high as I can, and see where I wind up.

Also, I'm looking at some aspects of my life, and I'm realizing that I'm losing control of myself. i'm gaining weight. I don't look healthy anymore. In the shower this morning, I could literally feel my muscles begging for more work... as though they can tolerate more stress, but I'm not putting them up to the challenge. I've decided to start going to the gym again. And drinking more water. I think I'm overly dehydrated.

I've been re-evaluating my personal life too. I think I'm afraid. I'm afraid of looking for anyone else, because I'm afraid I'll forget about... well, that one person. And I'm afraid of putting myself out there again. I hate looking for new people. It's frightening, and it's...unsafe? uncomfortable, I suppose. And frustrating, too. Every time I meet someone, it feels like someone else falls away.

I don't know how to fix all of these things, but I'm going to try. Something told me a while ago that this would be my year... I think maybe I should be looking at 2005. I've tried asking for help, and obviously recieved none. It's time to re-discover my independance, and start closing off some of the vines into my life that I've opened. It's time to grow up.

Stood Up

Sometimes, people amaze me. The ability to forget people, the ability to let people down and not apologuize... the ability to not feel guilt. It amazes me that people are willing to hurt those around them without remorse. To lie, flat out.

I've tried. I've tried to not let people down. I've tried to meet the standards as best I can at all times. I meet deadlines, within reason. The guilt I feel when I've forgotten someone, been late for a meeting, or said no to an offer from a friend is uncomfortable enough that I make notes to myself, almost to the point of paranoia. I made time for anyone who wanted it, whenever I could. I try not to lie, except to spare the feelings of others. I refuse to shrug off responsability at work. And for all this, I get stood up, forgotten and brushed aside.

Here, my friends, is where that all ends. I've made vows like this before, but never feeling the hurt I feel now. This is it. I will NOT wait for you. I will NOT put my life on hold until it is convenient for you anymore. I will NOT feel guilty when I can't be there, or when I forget you, since you've forgotten about me enough. I don't care whether your mind is elsewhere, you have "Significant Other" responsabilities, or if you're simply selfish. It doesn't matter anymore. the actions of those around me in recent days have lead me to my breaking point.

Also, Please, don't be suprised if I start making demands. Finally. Usually I just ask. I something doesn't work, "It's ok" will no longer be my response. Because, ladies and gentlemen, It's NOT OK. It's not alright for you to brush me off. It's not alright to forget about me and leave me stranded. I will not allow you to be conditioned to believe that I'm your personal DoorMat. I will not be stepped on again.