The Quiet

written April 28/05

I'm here alone in the house. Well, I'm not alone, the dog's here, and the cat's downstairs, and my sister is somewhere… But I feel alone. Completely alone. It's so quiet and still: there's a storm blowing in. Even the house is cold and damp. There's been so much rain in the last few days, but once it stops, everything's going to explode with new growth and regeneration. It's almost a little scary: watching everything bloom and grow and green around you, and wondering if you're blooming too. Obviously I feel different, but I'm still very nervous about my future. I wish it wasn't such a huge source of Anxiety for me: I look at my friends, and it sometimes seems like they have everything set and planned out. Even those who should be worried don’t. It makes me wonder why I do worry so much.

I think this fear/nervousness stems from time. This past school year went by increadably fast. Too fast. I'm a bit bewildered by it. I know I accomplished a lot, but it just feels like it all sped by, and I feel a bit lost. And I keep thinking, if this year went by so quickly, what will happen next year, when my schedual will be completely packed (already, it's looking like time is going to be an endangered species), and I will be preparing for graduation. Graduation. Just the thought of it makes my stomach lurch a bit. I mean, that's 4 years of my life. 4 years of training and work and papers and tests and for what? Where will I go next? It's hard to sit still when so much is up in the air, but there's really nothing I can do right now.

Choices and Opertunaties present themselves every day. Doors open, and whichever door you walk through will create a different path, with other different doors, and paths, and even some windows where you can see what the other paths look like. Sometimes these views are reassuring, and comfort us in the knowledge that we've ultimatly made the right decision. There are other instances, though, which show us a happier picture than where we are. Problem is, it's not ours. Even if we could climb through that window and be that other life, it wouldn't be our lives; our choice.

It's hard to come to terms with the fact that I'm here. It's even harder to realize that I’m now 21, and the choices that I've made have lead me here, and shaped who I am. And I do like most of it (now), it's just that sometimes I feel insecure, like I'm on a limb that's not yet strong enough to support my weight.

I can't accept the fact that I'm an adult. I doubt everyone really does. I feel like I need more training, or like I need some kind of checklist. I don't feel like I'm there yet. Sometimes I worry about what will happen when I'm out on my own, living alone, working, paying my own bills… I don't even like to think about what will happen when I have a family. Having to support a man is one thing, but a child who can't survive on it's own… one who can't eat, can't speak, or function without me. That is the ultimate dependance. With a man, though it appears that they can't eat, clean or appear civilized without a woman's intervention, I would be solid in the knowledge that a grown man is his own person, and his choices are his own. If I were to leave a man, he would be able to survive all by himself. But a child has no means of survival aside from me. I can barely function on my own!

I don't think I'll ever have children. Aside from the aforementioned reason, I wouldn't want a child to go through what I've been through. The teasing, the emotional problems, the acne, the psychological malfunctions… not to mention the physical mess that is growing up. Everyone goes through it… I just don't know if I can handle it.

I'm sure I will, when the time comes. Insecurity is the pre-thought. In the moment, strength comes, whether you want it to or not.

Old News: Cookies and Creams...

Created on: 4/27/2005, 11:41 AM

I'm currently making cookies. Oatmeal Chocolate Chip with Coconut. I'm doing it for 2 reasons: one, because I have an insane amount of cooking supplies that I brought home from North Bay that I need to make use of, and two, because it keeps my hands busy.

I went to the doctor's yesterday to get my Effexor refilled, and finally managed to gather the courage to talk to her about the…spots on my chest. Most of you know about them. It's a skin condition, or so I say. Really, it's only minor (very minor) acne. But it's what I do to it that makes it look like it does now. I can't stop picking at them. I know, it's gross, but I can't help it. I know I'm causing a lot of damage (most of them are infected), but I just can't stop myself. I'll spend hours squeezing and pulling off scabs so they can't heal. Now, they're all red and painful. It's a psychological condition known as Dermatillomania. It's in the same family as trichotillomania, the condition where a person can't stop pulling out their hair, even when they develop bald patches. We (myself and the doc) aren't quite sure yet how to treat it, but the Effexor should help for now. Plus I'm on antibiotics for the infection, hoping that once the existing spots heal, the urge to pick will lessen. Right now, I'm just trying to keep busy so I'm not tempted to sit down and make things worse. Hence, cookies, and cleaning, and unpacking.

It's kinda nice to be home. I get the house to myself most of the day, so I can sleep in, and I can do laundry for mom… We're working on my neatness habits (it's like finishing school all over again!) so I don't make Mike crazy next year. The laundry thing I've gotten the hang of, especially since I don't have to carry the stuff up and down stairs, or pay $1.50 per load… And I'm getting better at the dishes thing… my room's still a stumbling block, mostly because I'm sorting through 3 years worth of old papers right now, then unpacking clothes. But I'll get through it. It'll just take time.

I start work next week. Afternoons, 3-11pm. It shouldn't be too bad, actually. I like Afternoon, because that's the block of time I'm most awake in. I'm on the shift that I like too, which is nice.

It's raining here today. And it's kinda cold. And grey. Pretty dismal, actually. I'm looking forward to the nicer weather coming back. I have an herb garden out back which needs tending. A note to all you gardeners out there: Don't ever plant Mint near anything. Ever. It takes over whatever you plant it in, and chokes everything else out. I have a beautiful oregano bush, and some lovely lavender, but the mint totally overtakes it if you leave it more than a week without a trim. I think that when I move into Mikes, I'm going to have little pots of herbs in my room, a little sprig of oregano, basil and maybe some lavender… just to smell nice. I'll have room for it too. And I think the dog's a bit depressed. She likes it that I'm home, but usually we go for walks around the yard when we go to get the mail, and it's been too cold and wet the last few days to do that. Poor thing.

Rain, Rain, go away.

"Old News": Yanga-tastic?

I can't take this anymore. I just got drafted into the play (I have 3 weeks to memorize my lines) because people aren't showing up. People spent 15 minutes bitching about how we only have three weeks until the show and lines aren't memorized, and now they've wasted over an hour playing Character building games that should have been done about 3 months ago. I can't do my work becasue I can't focus, and I can't find anyone else who wants to work on Tuesday at the theatre (my boss asked me to look). GrrrRRrr.

I guess that kinda makes my next "Old News" irrelivant. It's funny: in class, we talked about how fate is a wheel. It appears that what goes up, really must come down.

Yanga…works? - Written Feb 17/05

Well, that's interesting…

Turns out that the Forensic Psych test I'm supposed to have on Tuesday is actually not until NEXT Tuesday. Interesting, because now I have another entire week to study for it.

My Computer's exam isn't looking to be as hard as I thought it would be.

My parents are actually letting me move into my friend's house, if I want to.

I'm feeling much more calm and relaxed… And until this morning, I couldn't figure out why.

Turns out, some whiney wench psedo-spammer on Xforums.net cast a "Yanga" spell on those forumites she deemed to having "penis-sized grey cells" (which is supposed to be an insult to the size of our grey matter/brain cells). I wasn't sure what it meant, but one of the mods posted the definition of a Yanga spell a fire-sacrifice "bringing good fortune"…

Bright kid, that one.

Anyways… Yeah. Spring break has been very good to me so far. I needed this. To be at home, and not really do anything substantial for a while. It has given me time to think about things (life stuff), read, and basically hang out. Also, I seem to be shoring up my creative juices. Before I left, I was pretty sure that well was now permanently dry… I just felt that every story I was forcing down for prose was complete rubbish, and Prof. Stoke's little speech on academic slacking didn't help matters… now I’m here and I feel… things are coming back. I just have to pace myself. I can't keep forcing the issue like I was. I need to get back to the roots of where I was: the place I was when I was most creative. I need to re-find the girl I was in high school.

I don't know if it was my independence/social-phobia, my belief in the white arts, or my innocence… It was something I've lost now. Ambition? I used to do things for the community when I was younger. Internal communication, maybe? I used to come up with some really deep philosophical questions. Maybe, just maybe, it's the subject matter. Back then, I would write about running away, with a deep regret for leaving. Now, I write about the need to run away, and a resentment for staying… I don't think it's a need to remove self from place anymore, which adds to the new-ness, but a need to remove self from self… pick out the parts of me, the bad habits, that I can't have anymore (for sake of my sanity), and finally convincing myself to let go.

Letting Go.

I've never been able to let go. Things that guilted me back in the first grade still haunt me. Things that weren't even my fault follow me, nagging me, whispering "you screwed up then, you'll screw up now"… I can't even relax. I never learned how. The pressure on me since I was young… some times, I can see how unbearable it would have been. Hindsight is 20/20. I'm terrified. I'm not sure if it's reasonable or not… I'm terrified that if I start letting go: of guilt, of anxiety, of [cough] specific people [/cough], that I"ll start losing them. I can't stand the idea of letting go of hope that certain people will shape up, and not wind up on the streets. I can't imagine what would happen if I let go of… well, you know who, and he finds someone else. Or I do. I don't want to lose him, or what we have. He says we won't, but I’m not sure. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a cliff, and I'm hanging from the edge, watching my grip loosen. Sometimes I wonder if there's much left, or what would happen if I just let myself fall away.

Sometimes I wonder where a gal like me could get some cheap valium, no questions asked.

"Old News": The Five Year Plan

First: New News: Exam Schedual got posted.

1. Forensic Psych - April 12
2. Computers - April 20
3. Shakespeare - April 21

So, that kinda sucks. Classes end on/about April 6th, which means I'm here for a week before my first exam, and have a week between my last 2. Oh, well, at least everyone's here with me this time. :) And, I can keep working until I go home and... Start working. And, I'll be home before my birthday! Cool.

Today, I got nothing accomplished. Though, I got my Shakespeare test back: 82%!! WOO! And I spent 5.5 hours in the Caf playing Magic the Gathering. Todd would be proud.

Now, on to "Old News"

The Five year plan/Introspective Riffraff
So, I did get flowers and candy. From my parents. Well, it's better than nothing.

Moving on…

It's Tuesday, and as yet, I've gotten all of nothing done. Little bit of studying, little bit of reading, but nothing substantial. And certainly not enough to get me where I'm supposed to be for this week. Tomorrow is my busy day: I have to drive mom to work, come home, go to my doctor's appointment, come home, drive Ash to work, hang around town for an hour, come home with mom, go get Ash from work and come home. Then, I guess, we're going for dessert at Nan's. Yeah. Oh, well. I'm just glad to be at home where I don't have to deal with real people.
Parental prodding has resurrected that pesky feeling of "what's next?" and "what's my 5 year plan?" I had one, at one point… It died when I realized what I should have been doing all along… Other people have them: Ana's going to be in school, Sarah's going to be in school, then going to Japan, Todd's teaching in Timmins, then overseas, then in BC (or something like that), Dave's going to live in a box behind the Lucky 13 (so says my dad…) and I’m ____. Going to school, getting my undergrad, then… Ok, so I have 1 year planned, 4 to go. Whatever. I shouldn't care. I worry too much, and I have too much to focus on right now: future planning should be a luxury, not a necessity.

It's all Valentine's fault. Too many lovey-dovey people in the vicinity, activating the maternal instinct and the desire to settle down… Bull-pucky, all of it. I never needed a significant other to make me feel worthy until high school. That first boyfriend: that's what does it. Killed it for everyone, he did. Have one, and you want more. Kinda like a chip, or a cookie, or an ice cold gin and tonic. God, I need a drink.

"Old News": The Obligatory Valentines Rant

So, here it is, "Old News" Post #1: The Obligatory Valentines Rant. You knew it had to be up here eventually. First, the Update...

Computers Midterm: Done. Don't think I did that well, but I have a compromise thing happening with myself. If all goes as planned, I should break Even.
Also: Finished Registering for all of my cources. I'm in a FULL, 30 Credit year next year, which I haven't truly done since first year. I'm in:

ENGL Genre: Romance
ENGL Studies in Drama (the Lit cource, not the Theatre one)
PSYC Learning
PSYC Psychology of Education
ENGL Children's Literature
PSYC Adult/Child Development

So, we carry on with the list. See how far I get tonight... I'll leave you with the Valentines Rant:

Be Still, my Bleeding Heart… (Written Feb 14/05)

So, here it is, ladies and gentlemen, another Valentines Day, and I'm alone. No posies or sweets from amorous suitors, no love letters, and no snugglies. I feel a bit torn about the whole affair. Valentines, really, is a Hallmark holiday, created to bolster the sales of cards, flowers and heart-shaped nickity-naks. St. Valentine, aparently, didn't even exist. So, being as pointless and commercial as it is, I shouldn't even be bothered with it…

On the other hand, despite the false sentimentality and the day's superficial nature, I would really like to be involved in a romantic relationship. I want to be swept off my feet, whisked off to a night of coffee and conversation, maybe a movie, and then plunge deeply into a sea of emotional and physical bliss. I want the gaudy flowers and the expensive chocolates. I want to lie in the warm embrace of another, not alone, at home, in a cold twin bed. Even if for one night, I want to be treated like the girls on TV, with astounded, testosterone-riddled boyfriends.

About 6 years ago today, I had my first experience of Valentines Day with a boyfriend… He dumped me. He said he didn't believe in the day, that it was a sham made up for inattentive husbands to make up for the other 364 days of neglect. Pretty astute for a high school senior who never graduated. Ever since, I've been alone on this day, not always out of choice. Last year, I received a single, long-stemmed rose from a close friend, and it made my day/week/month. At first it seemed silly and clichéd, but then I realized: It was a token of affection. It was some proof that, somewhere out there, there was someone who cared enough to buy into the hype for one day and celebrate the depth of our friendship.

By the look of things, I will be spending my Valentines alone at home until about 4pm, reading. Then Mom will probably bring home panzerottis, which is basically a medium cheese/ground beef pizza folded in half and deep-fried or baked, and then we'll go to Nan's for desert. A far cry from banter and innuendo over beers (which would have been perfect), but at least I will be spending time with people I love, and people who love me back.

I feel hollow inside. Like I want to cry, but what's the point. My last relationship was a classic (however failed) rebound, and barring that, I've (technically) been alone for better than 3 years now. I've had flings, and I have a deeply-rooted, spiritual/emotional/physical relationship, but nothing has, or will, come of any of them. In regards to the latter, he asked me when I last saw him, whether our relationship was hurting me more that it was benifiting me. He told me that he would "end it" (or cut ties) if it was (which would hurt me more than anything else he could possibly do, by the by…) I told him that it hurt, but I've accepted that that pain is a part of what we have, and I can deal with it. Tonight, I wonder. Only because, I know that there's a good chance that he won't be spending tonight alone. Then, I was healed. Tonight, it hurts. Not because of him, but because of me. I want things that don't, or can't, exist. We've been over this. It doesn't matter, really. Love is unyeilding, unfading and unfailing…At least, for me.