The Evils of home baking...

Today, my diet consisted entierly of sugar and nicotine.

It's now just after 7:30 pm, and I want to die.

I was going to make 6-7 dozen cupcakes for Free Cupcake Day tomorrow, but that's pretty much out of the question: I don't want to see another cupcake again for a month or two.

Right now, I'm eating vegetables, which I will continue eating until I don't feel like dying anymore.

Shaun and Lisa are awesome. Neither of them are really involved in the club (well, Shaun might be helping with Ads, but that's pretty much it...) but they both baked for anyways. I have awesome friends.

I get the feeling tonight's going to be crap-tacular, if not just because I really, Really don't want to go to rehearsal tonight. I mean, I want to work on my lines and stuff, but I also want to sleep. I want to sleep for a year. I'm going anyways, if not just so I can keep myself awake long enough to finish my resume.

Tired. Tired....sooooo tired.

Notes

There is a large bottle of water sitting next to me right now. I need to start drinking and re-filling this water more often.

The stars are very pretty tonight. I looked up at them as I was walking to the front door after rehearsal, and there was a brief, passing thought in my head about how the night would be warmer if someone were holding my hand.

You know, I really do like being single. It's just that that damned day is coming up. Singles Awareness Day, also known as St. Valentine's Day: a day where single people are tormented by the facade of happy people, desperatly in love, where corperate markets cater both to them in lavish expensive trinkets symbolizing everlasting devotion (if only for 15 minutes...), and us, the single, through the production of teddy bears, chocolate and cheap wine in which to drown ourselves.

This year, I'm pretty much guarenteed that it won't be celebrated with more than a few snarky remarks (my wit is being finely honed...) and some sarcastic banter. I wanted to throw a singles mixer, but I just don't know if I really have the energy. That, and I think that if I can't spend it in a romantic context, I would rather spend it alone. Drunk, and possibly watching Kill Bill, parts 1 and 2, but most certainly alone.

While discussing the amount of "oh my god, why did they do that???" going on in SOS right now, I said something to Devin that kinda caught me. I said that it was strange to see this new pair forming, so completely... opposite, lets say, and inexperianced, with no actual intent of starting something in the first place, and I'm seeing no action. I mean, I'm putting myself out there... well, trying to. I still don't think I"m doing it right.

I shouldn't even be thinking about this kind of stuff... I have FAR too much personal development to work on right now, including the One-Week-Rapid-Detox-Weight-Loss plan Mom's sending up for me so I can trim down before VM and tIoBE, and the progress I've been making with actually getting to class on time... I'm still working on digging up my room mind you... I know I should, because what happens if someone randomly shows up at my door and wants to hang out, or talk... And my room's a hole? Hmm...

But the stars are very pretty. It's crisp and clean and clear and silent. I wish I could feel that, without feeling the cold...

Damn Singles Awareness Day...

Attention Vagina Lovers!

I will be acting/presenting a monologue in Nipissing U/Canadore C's presentation of "The Vagina Monologues" on Feb. 28 and March 5 @ The Wall!!

My Monologue is "The Angry Vagina", and it's farking hilarious! I'm really looking forward to it.

In other News...
I've been feeling kinda down lately (I know, mom, you hate reading about me feeling down...;) )But I think it's just the season. Really, things haven't been going that badly. I haven't been sleeping well, but I never do, so it's not really that terrible. I think what's been getting me down recently is my weight. I've kinda packed it on in the last month or two. Too much beer, probably, but since I'm not quite willing to give that up (yet...) I'm looking into other options. First and foremost is going to be a major re-focus on vegetables. I've been ok, but I need to kinda work at it. I mean, at least now I'm eating soup at the caf instead of pizza (most of the time), and to be honest, the soup's more filling... Actually, I found a really simple recipie for Vegan Potato Leek and Pea soup which I might try out... In any case, yes... more veggies, less processed crap. And more water. I think that might be part of the issue too.

VM goes up in a month, and tIoBE shortly after that (like, a week!!), and I want to look my best. That, and, you know, I want to look my best anyways... you never know who's looking. But, yeah.

So, it's 11:30. Trying to go to bed earlier has become futile, because rehearsals don't get out until 11pm, and after talking to Karl (who agrees that 11pm is kinda late), we discovered that there's really nothing we can do about that. So, I'm just going to have to work through it. I'm really going to start trying to not be late for class anymore... I'm starting to get a reputation for it.

Tomorrow's game plan, in case anyone was wondering:
1) Finish Evaluating Information assignment
2) study for Sociology Test
3) work on Sociology Assignmnet
4) work on Assignment for Placement
5) memorize lines for tIoBE, or at least run through them a bit
6) look over VM monologue
7) Finish and mail letters to pen pals from ZetaChannel
8)Interviewing with Jude James
9)Scoreboard with Karl
10)Rehearsal... again.

Wow... that's a lot more than I thought it was. But, that's ok. I'll manage. I hope.
I think I'm going to take some time now and clean up a bit. Even just cleaning off my "get-prettied-up" stand the other day made me feel better. So, tonight I think I'm going to focus on the area around my desk. The laundry situation is going to have to wait until the weekend I think. Which is ok, I guess.

Horray!...-ish.

hurrr...

I don't feel all that well. I don't really know what it is. If I'm not spazzed, spun or acting like a squirrel on speed, I'm nauseated and can barely keep my eyes open.

I have tomorrow off (class wise, anyways), so I'll be able to get some real sleep and clean my room... which I always say I'm going to do, but never really do. But I think that might be part of the reason my stomach's doing flip-floppy things.

The Secret Project is becoming more of a reality than I really expected it to... I already have at least two confirmed allies, possibly more. this means that I might just actually have to work on this at some point.

Other than that, I'm off to rehearsal, I suppose... I hope I get to do more than I did last night. Getting on stage once this week wouldn't be a bad thing.

Term II

Quick Post, as I'm waiting for the dust to settle on a few things. Here is my Schedual for Term II. There may be changes to this after tomorrow.

MONDAY
8:30-11:30 - Social Work and the Family
11:30-12:30 - Evaluating Information
2:30-5:30 - Acts, Policies and Procedures for Native Peoples

TUESDAY
8:30-10:30 - Sociology
10:30-11:30 - Human Services and the Law
3:30-5:30 - Interviewing II

WEDNESDAY
10:30-11:30 - Placement Integration pt 1
11:30-12:30 - Placement Integration pt 2
2:30-3:30 - Human Services and the Law

THURSDAY
3:30-5:30 - Interviewing II

FRIDAY
9:30-10:30 - Sociology
10:30-12:30 - Evaluating Information

I'm hoping to add at least 1-2 more classes in there, but we'll see what happens.

Here's the game plan for Today
-Work on the "Special Project"... It's kinda stalled out on me.
-Clean up... let's start the year off right
-Finish putting my lines on cards for TIoBE
-Start reading for Soc and Native Policies, because I already have the books
-Maybe go grocery Shopping... Maybe.

I'm still waiting to hear back from NUSU about the Vagina Monologues, but I'm going to start planning Audition Dates and stuff now... The script itself is just a locked PDF file on the website, so I only need about an hour to deal with that. It's finding a time that works for everyone that's going to suck... We'll see what happens. Someone might already be handling it, in which case, I won't even have to worry, but who knows.

Oh, and for those who don't already know, Rehersals for TIoBE (that's how I'm referring to The Importance of Being Earnest on here... it's just quicker) start Next Week, with rehersals on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 9:30-11:00pm, with some talk of adventures on Thursday Nights. I'd also like to go to a Conspiracy of Three before the year is out... it's increadably sad that I've been a student for 5 years now and have only been to an Ameture one. I know there's one tomorrow, but I think that might be a little too short-notice for some people.

Anyways, I'm oft for a bit... I'll probably post again later. I'm still working on putting Tabs on all of the posts (this is actually post 266, for the record), so you can check that out if you like. I know I can be hard to follow some times, so hopefully this will add a little clarity. I might also post some trip-pics on Facebook... If I do so, I'll note that here too.

Caio for now.

Give up and Go Away...

I don't think I've ever been this close to snapping.

I'm done, people. I'm done WITH people. I need a vacation from people, and all their bullshit. I need a break from my bullshit. I need to just go lie on a beach somewhere tropical, and just drink, and drink, and lie in the sun, until I forget that SoS exists. Until all traces of the idea of Feminism are bleached from my memory. Until money doesn't matter. Until people stop allowing their noisy babies and stupid children into University Libraries...

I just can't friggin take it any more. I ask a question, express a concern, state a fact, and I'm argued down into submission. I'm not saying I know all. I'm not even saying that I know what's best. But I know what I KNOW. And what I'm comfortable with. And when I question it, I expect to be met with some form of understanding, not just a shrug and "That's not my department."

I'm sick, and goddamn tired of money. I don't have it, and therefore I can do nothing. I can't even eat right now, because everything, even the essentials for survival, costs. I can't buy advil to kill this headache, because it costs. I'll soon be going off my meds and experiancing an impromptu withdrawl, because perscription drugs cost. And you think I'm a bitch now...

It's gotten to the point that my friends (ever honest) are telling me that they don't want to "deal" with me in my current state. I gave my best, and got nothing. I did my part, and others didn't. What the hell is wrong with people? No one cares about anyone else. I understand looking out for number one, but if you'd only let that self-centered, holier-than-god attitude go for one second, you'd see... You're not alone, and there are a hell of a lot of other people out there that need help.

And I don't appreciate being spoken to like a child. I know everyone's stressed. I get that. But, for some strange reason, I concider myself a part of that everyone. I'm allowed to be stressed too. And I certainly don't appreciate being told: "There, there... it will all get better soon."

I hate that my future has been pre-determined for me. I don't mind the control it brings, I just wish it was MY control. Right now, I feel as though I'm bound in lace, tighter than my skin; everything itches and squeezes too tight.

I'm sick of the Wierd Kid. I wish to god that I hadn't said yes to Caroline, because then I wouldn't feel as bad if I dropped. I hate that things are spinning out of control. I signed on for reading week, fine. But I did NOT sign on to do shows during my class time. I did NOT sign on to miss class for this. And I sure as hell did NOT sign up to for this. I feel like I'm under the influence of the Pied Piper, blindly following a leader who has no goddamn clue what he's doing.

As you can tell by now, I've given up on the niceties. Right now, I'm too pissed off to worry about who I hurt. I'm too angry to apologuise. This is how I feel, and this is what I'm thinking, and if you can't seal with that, I suggest you walk away now.

And the next person who says Happy Valentines to me is getting their heart ripped out, and shoved down their throat.

[Edit to add: KILL KILL KILL...]

Warning: Angry Rant Ahead.

This may be incoherant, because I don't want to go into specifics.

This also might be upsetting to some. I'm sorry, I don't mean it to be. I'm just venting.

I was told tonight that I'm stepping on people's toes.
That's fine, and I don't mind hearing it, except when it's a message passed through someone else.
See, this is when people get angry... When we use others for messengers and don't address the problem ourselves. If Meaghan thinks I"m stepping on her toes by trying to help others, that's fine. I just wish she had of told me, Not Sarah, who is executive. Meaghan is one of my closeset friends, and I've told her I want her to be one of my bridesmaids some day. That's a huge deal. If she doesn't feel comfortable enough to come to me herself and say something like that, then I ask... What the fuck?

And it's NOT like I'm changing her blocking. It's not like I'm taking over her vision (which is one of the things I was told I was doing). I told the actors to be louder. And it's not like I was doing it because I was the only one who couldn't hear them. Jade was sitting RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, trying to get Meaghan's attention to tell them that they needed to be louder. Meaghan was talking to Craig.

And There were other actors, sitting in the front row, actually, telling the actors onstage that they had to be louder. I say it, Meaghan stops the rehersal to tell them that it's the "director's job". I'm sorry, but she was talking to Craig, and not paying attention to the show. I took the script from her so I could watch the lines because she was talking to him, and wasn't even on the right page.

And aparently this isn't the only occasion. If Sarah's noticed me stepping on people's feet before, why hasn't she said something before tonight?

I'm just trying to bloody help. And again, I'm not trying to help with blocking, she has assistant directors for that. I'm trying to help with things she has told me that the actors need help with. She has TOLD me that they're not ready. She has TOLD me that she's worried because she hasn't blocked all of act 2. If she's telling me that they need help, I don't think it's fair to be shot down when I TRY to help. I've been in SoS for four fucking years. I've been acting longer. Not to sound conceded, but I know what I'm talking about. I couldn't hear them from the SECOND ROW. You would think that my opinion would count for something. And if it was me and Nathan talking while rehersal was going on, I'm SURE someone would have called me on it. Why are they so special? Because they just broke up and got back together? Fine. Whatever.

Look, I'm just pissed. People say to me that they want help. I give a HELL of a lot of my time to SoS (more than I have, actually), and I listen when people say that they need help, or that they are worried. So excuse me if I try to fucking help now and then. Excuse me if I want to help you get an excellent play up that everyone can hear.

I know that I can get bossy sometimes. I know that I try to control things. I'm compleatly aware of this... after the fact.

So, fine. They don't need my help, I can do that. I'm there to act in the Wierd Kid, then that's all I'll do. I mean, I don't have to go to Blood Relations Rehersals. I don't need to bake for the bake sale. I don't need to help keep the club informed. And I certainly don't need to stop Meaghan from having another "Nervous Breakdown" when her actors are doing the play in mime at the god damned dress.

Maybe I'll just keep my fat yap shut.

Butter and Ketchup.

Butter = Better.
No, I'm not high, I'm just feeling better. The cough has subsided, and Nathan's no longer threatening to drag me to the ER. There were som scary moments though: when my throat went raw and I started horking blood, the 7am I-can't-breathe attack, Nathan watching me choke on my own tonsils... But I'm much better now, if not compleatly exhausted.
I did have to miss 2 days of class though, but I don't feel so bad, knowing that about 1/2 the school (and the population of North Bay) has this plague, and knowing that if what Meaghan told me was true, it was a viral lung infection. Don't want to be spreading that around...

Ketchup = Catch up.

The Wedding
It was lovely. Simple, Small, very... small... ok, it wasn't a traditional wedding, but these weren't exactly traditional people. Vanessa looked awsome, even as she balled her eyes out. Everyone was very nice, polite, pleasent... quirky. I think it's sad, though, that the story that will be forever told about that day was the fact that the dog ate about 1/4 of the back-up wedding cake and threw up massivly. *le sigh*

The Dentist
I'm taking Vanessa to Corbiel tomorrow for a dentist appointment. I'll save the gory details, but we aren't sure whether this appointment will be just a consultation, or if she'll be getting the first 2 of 13 teeth pulled, or if they'll just be getting veneers. Either way, it should be an interesting day...

The Drive
I'm going home this weekend for Thanksgiving. I'm leaving at about 8am, and getting home hopefully by 2pm. Ducky's coming with me as far as Barrie, so that should be fun. We're going to spend the trip talking about SoS and our Drama project. I'm sure we can get it done in 3 hours...
I'm getting a bit nervous though. See, I'm not sure I remember the route home. I know that it's a straight jaunt until you hit Cookstown, and I know that there's a jog in there somewhere... It's just the specifics that have me stumped. And I don't really want to admit that to my parents, because they have very little faith that I can make the trip. I hate proving them right.

The Readings
Yeah, I'm still behind. But I've found that, in most cases, I can BS my way through enough of it that I don't really need to do them yet. Romance is going to be a kicker, though... I have Seminar on Nov.3 (I'm leading it), so I pretty much have to read for that, plus these journals are creeping up on me. I'm going to take the time over the reading week to actually read (novel concept, eh? get it? Novel...) so I'll be at least a little bit caught up. And no, for those of you who are thinking it... I'm not behind because of Nathan, I'm behind because I'm a chronic procrastinator. I blame the following sites:
Xforums
Ghastly's Ghastly Comic (NSFW, or children, or people with heart conditions or no sense of humor)
Order of the Stick
and the multiple blogs I visit

The Relationship
Things are going well. Better than well. He really loves me, and I love him, which is a nice change. He really cares about me and what I want. He's been flustered the past couple days because of work, but... he's so peaceful and just... Yummy! He makes me very happy. :)

The Wierd Kid
I've been cast as "the Principle" in SoS's upcoming production of The Wierd Kid. The principle only has 1 line, but Caroline is going to have me lead the Q&A/Discussion afterwards. I'll be talking to kids about bullying, and If they've done it, what they should do if they're being bullied, why it's wrong... All that good stuff.

The Laundry
Yeah, it's piling up again. I'm going to take a load-by-load approach, I think... Try to get at least 1 per day done, and maybe that will catch me up. Actually, I think I'm going to do that now, as well as a bit more tidying up, so I guess for now...

The End!

Cruel Summer...

It's frickin cold. I can't believe it: It feels like October outside! The tan I've only had for a week has all but faded out! I was so looking forward to lying on the deck all weekend, reading, basking in the Vitamin B12 or whatever that the sun would be drenching me with... But no. Alas, it was rainy and cold all weekend. Even my pull-out bed with the dozen pillows and double duvets didn't keep me warm last night! Where have you gone, summer weather??

Rene and I had an interesting Friday night. We kept ourselves sane by transforming the plant into the stage for a whacked-out Porno... It was terrible, and hilarious all at once. I'm still on the lonely side, though. I miss a lot of people from "home": Brian, who's emailed me and chatted a bit, whom I miss muchly, Sarah, whose absence is like a hole in my soul, Dave, who I've been missing for a while now, Ana, who remains the cheerful bird on my shoulder, Geoff, Tabs and Danny, my magical hosts, the entire SOS crew (there are so many, and I *heart* you all), Mike, my soon-to-be-roomate (don't worry, we'll soon be sick of eachother), Chris, Tony, Jen and the Crew, and Todd. Todd (who assures me he reads this on occasion): I've been thinking about you recently, just curiosity about you, and how you're really doing. I know we're growing apart, but with luck, I'll get to see you soon.

Weather truly does affect mood. A few months ago, on a day like this, I would have spent the day in bed, sleeping, or being depressed. Now, though I'm still feeling a bit down, I'm not crushed. I'm not overwhelmed, and I'm not in tears. This is a good thing. Though, I'm still lonely. I guess I'm craving a bit of the life I had at home, where I went out on weekends, and had places to go. I mean, I finally have a car, and I have nowhere to take it, no road-trips, no adventures... I don't know.

I don't really have a lot else to say right now. I'm cold, and kinda tired. We're going to see Sarah McLaughlan tonight, which should be fun. right now, I think I'm going to take a long, hot shower, and then take a nap.

SummerTime...

1/4 and change

First, tonight was opening night for our presentation of the Crucible. It went soooooo well! I'm very happy with everything! It feels like such a weight has been lifted, knowing that we made it this far.

Second: Remember that Projects list I came up with in February? Time for an update there:

The Projects list (revised):
Computers Midterm - Done. Haven't gotten the mark back yet because I"m too scared to.
Shakespeare Essay #1 with Revisions - Done. 70%. YAY!
Prose: Minimalist Fiction - Done, and went over Extreamly well. One of my best pieces to date.
Forensic Psych Test - Done. 56%. Maybe that was a bad course choice...
Computers Assignment - Done. Haven't checked the mark yet. Too scared to.
Forensic Psych Presentation - Done. Haven't recieved a mark yet.
Computers Quiz #2 - Done, no mark yet.
Shakespeare Assignment: Director's Notes - March 22 - Working on it.
Forensic Psych Assignment - March 29 - Pain in the butt. Will work on it next week.
Prose: Magnum Opus - April XX: Two weeks after last class - I need to start working on that again.
Prose: Critical Review - April 6 - I'm critiquing Jen
Prose: Writing Journal - April 6 -Constant work in progress, but somewhat done.

It will be nice to have the time to work on these things again. Though, I think I will miss the cast and crew, and the time we spent together.

Today, I learned more about the value of emotional connections. It's complicated, but I know now that there are certain bonds that I will maintain throughout my life, and people who will always be there for me. And I really, truly appreciate that.

I'm a lot of things right now. Happy, scared, nervous, exhilerated, reminded of why I mess myself up over the things I do, exhausted, hyper and dehydrated. That last one's starting to cause some major issues that I think I will soon have to look into.

I have a doctor's appointment next tuesday. I have some things I need to discuss with her, that will hopefully make me happier and healthier. That is the goal after all...

More Sunday night. Now? Sleep. Haven't done that in a long time...

At Rest

First, an apology to Todd. Next time, I will talk to you about things before I post them here. I honestly didn't think you really read this! I'm sorry I've made you uncomfortable. At least now I know that I can talk to you about these things.

Ok. So, it's almost over. The presentation is done, the tests and papers are over (with the exception of 1), and the play opens tomorrow night.

*spoink*

God, I've never been this nervous about a play. I'm trying not to be. I've been told that I invest too much emotion in everything I do, which is true, but it's part of who I am. I don't know how not to. This play is the perfect example. I never wanted to become this emotionally involved in the show. I guess it's just the thesbian in me... I crave the drama.

I've also come to the realization that for all the self-evolution I attempt, I'm forgetting to change the important parts. Last night, Todd told me that I should stop changing myself to be with other people, but I think that's a bit of a catch-22. If I don't change, I don't evolve, and therefore stop learning. I don't have any reason to change for myself, with the exception of what I've discovered in the past few weeks. I'm emotionally abusive in my relationships. I'm jealous, I have anger issues, and I'm aparently more manipulative than even I thought I was. These are things that need to change, and I think it comes back to my needing to let go. I don't want to lose what I have, especially with Todd, but I have to learn to let go.

Other situations have been presented to me in the past few weeks. It's really making me re-evaluate what I want/need as both an individual and as a woman. I feel... "transitory" (Todd's word of the night last night). Like, I'm in the midst of major changes personally (not as much professionally unfortunatly), but I can't see them. Or, that opertunaties have been presented, and the choices I make will affect me for a long time, and I can't decide whether I should stay in the comfort area (where I'm happy) or take a risk. I know that taking the risk is usually the best option, but this time, I feel like I should... stand still. Wait. Which is odd, usually I wish I could run.

Flirt

So, it turns out the guy is just a blatant tease. Oh, well. Not that I actually had some hope that he may actually want me enought to spend a bit of time hanging out with me, go for coffee, have sex and eventually settle down in a modest studio apartment with a cat and big career plans. Oh no. That didn't happen at all.

Actually, it didn't. I was just hoping that there was someone in this frost-bitten little town that actually saw me as more than just an executive, another theatre tech or that girl who talks really loudly in the caf. I was hoping for more of a "Hey, your kinda interesting, wanna go for coffee/beer some night when we're both not busy?" response. Though, I suppose if that were the case, he would have come out and said "Hey, your kinda interesting, wanna go for coffee/beer some night when we're both not busy?", rather than literally sweeping me off my feet. Damn.

Ever get that feeling like you're going to be alone forever? I know I'm probably not, but I thought I'd accepted the fact that most guys don't see me as anything more than a casual fling. For some reason, this opened a wound... or threw salt in one that was already there. I guess I should try and be more self-sufficient: try and grow more into my independance, and try and see it as a good thing. Mom always said that the good ones pop up when you're not looking for them. Maybe it is time to just stop looking and... *sighs* Of course, that's not what I want to do. Maybe I need to put myself out there more: go out, do things where I could meet people, maybe open myself up more.

Maybe I just need a change of self.

To be Continued...?

Past is past

So, I said in the last post that I was going to explain why last week was so bad. I'll just summarize it now, because It's done and over with, and re-hashing isn't really doing anything for me.
-work
-work in the theatre (on the same day as a test)
-wrote (and probably failed) that test
-re-write of a paper due
-computers assignment due (which I only got half done)
-2 full all nighters in a row
-memorizing lines
-stress over where I'm going to live next year.

I think that's it... oh, and the costume shopping incident, and a few other little things, most of which involved a lack of sleep.

This week should be a bit less stressful: today was a write off due to the huge snow storm we got. Stupid snow. It is MARCH!!! It should be RAIN!! Tomorrow, all I have to worry about is making a doc's appointment, and a meeting, plus regular class stuff. Wednesday will be awsome: I'm reading LIVE at 100 Georges! I can't decide what to read... once I do, I'll probably post it, or a link to what I read, so anyone whose not there can see what was said. Thursday is going to be rehersal crunch time, and friday will be the same, until Todd shows up, and with any luck, carries me off to a night of drunken stupidity. Sweetness.

Anyways, I'm exhausted. I cleaned up my room a bit today, which manage to involve 4 loads of laundry and a realization that I really, really need to vacuume sometime very soon.

I still feel lonely. I think that's going to be a running theme for a while now. I really want someone to lay with: someone to, not so much "come home to", but someone I can just be with for a while, and do nothing, or talk, or make out, or whatever. I mean, at 20 (less than 2 months to 21), I think that's a reasonable request: one serious, real, trusting relationship. Emotional security, AND all the fun sex stuff, and not having to split them up and make due with one OR the other... I want what a lot of other people around me have. I guess it's just hard. I know I'm busy, and I've been told I'm intimidating... I'm not sure why. Once people get to know me, they realize that I'm really just scared, confused and have very low self-esteem. I'm not so intimidating then, but people just don't take the time.

Alright, I'm off. I'll be back tomorrow with more of the same, I'm sure. Or, maybe something interesting will actually happen. Who knows.

I haven't forgotten...

No, I haven't forgotten about my dear little blog, and it's few, but loving, fans, I've just... ugh. This was the worst week of my University career so far. I'll get into more details tomorrow, but for now, I"ll throw this up. I posted this on www.xforums.net for the advice of some very wise people, and figured I'd give others the chance to help:

"Last night, after rehersal and costume shopping, we were waiting for the bus, having a good time chatting and making fun of eachother and whatnot. Well, the topic of sex came up (because it always does when I'm involved...) and I told my good friend Melissa (who was on her way to "celebrate" ber new boyfriend's birthday), that if she had any single friends who were looking for a one night-er or two, to give them my number. Well, she turns to the male lead of the show, and says: "Darlin, this is my friend Sparky. She's looking for cheap sex. You interested?"

He picked me up, wrapped my legs around his waist, pinned me against the wall and kissed me. Full on (well, not quite... he caught me off guard), open mouth kissing. I should point out that he is quite good-looking. And the only reason I hadn't thought of persuing him myself is that I thought he was seeing someone. He's not...really. He has an on-again-off-again which appears to be much like my relationship with Todd.

Anyways, when I got home, I asked my friend Sarah if he was serious about this other girl, and she said: "Don't read too much into it. He flirts with everyone. Don't worry, You'll find someone."

This got me thinking. When did kissing someone become flirting? How did a passionate kiss become the same as a wink and a hair toss? I mean, I know he's affectionate with everyone (hugging, stuff like that, which isn't really flirting either), but that just seemed... Odd? Almost mean?

So, I'm in the shower this morning, overanalyzing this incident (which is something I often do), and I realized this: **My opinion here: things may not be the same for everyone**Flirting is a pretext to (in a simple way) kissing. Kissing is a pretext to extended kissing, or making out, which is a pretext to sex. Now, I'm not easy, but I'm not fridgid either: I usually have sex with a guy anywhere between the first and third date, depending on chemestry.

My Question to Y'all is: Do you concider Kissing a part of flirting (Not peck-on-the-cheek style, I mean, more like what I described above)? Do you feel that allowing kissing as part of flirtation somehow cheapens sex? Basically, am I right in feeling as confused as I do? "

The answers have ranged from "That's NOT at all flirting! GO! GO!!" to "He's a theatre guy, and therefore, it's probably harmless goofing around"... I really can't be sure. I don't want to approach him about it, because a) I'm an executive in the club, and I'm not sure how the hierarchy works, relationship wise, and b) what if I'm wrong? How embarassing would that be? I'm open to any and all comments/suggestions. You can leave them in the comment spot, or email sparkyinthesnow@gmail.com.

That's it for now... I'll explaine my week tomorrow (Monday, that is...) so you'll all understand why I've been off kilter. G'night!

"Old News": Yanga-tastic?

I can't take this anymore. I just got drafted into the play (I have 3 weeks to memorize my lines) because people aren't showing up. People spent 15 minutes bitching about how we only have three weeks until the show and lines aren't memorized, and now they've wasted over an hour playing Character building games that should have been done about 3 months ago. I can't do my work becasue I can't focus, and I can't find anyone else who wants to work on Tuesday at the theatre (my boss asked me to look). GrrrRRrr.

I guess that kinda makes my next "Old News" irrelivant. It's funny: in class, we talked about how fate is a wheel. It appears that what goes up, really must come down.

Yanga…works? - Written Feb 17/05

Well, that's interesting…

Turns out that the Forensic Psych test I'm supposed to have on Tuesday is actually not until NEXT Tuesday. Interesting, because now I have another entire week to study for it.

My Computer's exam isn't looking to be as hard as I thought it would be.

My parents are actually letting me move into my friend's house, if I want to.

I'm feeling much more calm and relaxed… And until this morning, I couldn't figure out why.

Turns out, some whiney wench psedo-spammer on Xforums.net cast a "Yanga" spell on those forumites she deemed to having "penis-sized grey cells" (which is supposed to be an insult to the size of our grey matter/brain cells). I wasn't sure what it meant, but one of the mods posted the definition of a Yanga spell a fire-sacrifice "bringing good fortune"…

Bright kid, that one.

Anyways… Yeah. Spring break has been very good to me so far. I needed this. To be at home, and not really do anything substantial for a while. It has given me time to think about things (life stuff), read, and basically hang out. Also, I seem to be shoring up my creative juices. Before I left, I was pretty sure that well was now permanently dry… I just felt that every story I was forcing down for prose was complete rubbish, and Prof. Stoke's little speech on academic slacking didn't help matters… now I’m here and I feel… things are coming back. I just have to pace myself. I can't keep forcing the issue like I was. I need to get back to the roots of where I was: the place I was when I was most creative. I need to re-find the girl I was in high school.

I don't know if it was my independence/social-phobia, my belief in the white arts, or my innocence… It was something I've lost now. Ambition? I used to do things for the community when I was younger. Internal communication, maybe? I used to come up with some really deep philosophical questions. Maybe, just maybe, it's the subject matter. Back then, I would write about running away, with a deep regret for leaving. Now, I write about the need to run away, and a resentment for staying… I don't think it's a need to remove self from place anymore, which adds to the new-ness, but a need to remove self from self… pick out the parts of me, the bad habits, that I can't have anymore (for sake of my sanity), and finally convincing myself to let go.

Letting Go.

I've never been able to let go. Things that guilted me back in the first grade still haunt me. Things that weren't even my fault follow me, nagging me, whispering "you screwed up then, you'll screw up now"… I can't even relax. I never learned how. The pressure on me since I was young… some times, I can see how unbearable it would have been. Hindsight is 20/20. I'm terrified. I'm not sure if it's reasonable or not… I'm terrified that if I start letting go: of guilt, of anxiety, of [cough] specific people [/cough], that I"ll start losing them. I can't stand the idea of letting go of hope that certain people will shape up, and not wind up on the streets. I can't imagine what would happen if I let go of… well, you know who, and he finds someone else. Or I do. I don't want to lose him, or what we have. He says we won't, but I’m not sure. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a cliff, and I'm hanging from the edge, watching my grip loosen. Sometimes I wonder if there's much left, or what would happen if I just let myself fall away.

Sometimes I wonder where a gal like me could get some cheap valium, no questions asked.