At Rest

First, an apology to Todd. Next time, I will talk to you about things before I post them here. I honestly didn't think you really read this! I'm sorry I've made you uncomfortable. At least now I know that I can talk to you about these things.

Ok. So, it's almost over. The presentation is done, the tests and papers are over (with the exception of 1), and the play opens tomorrow night.

*spoink*

God, I've never been this nervous about a play. I'm trying not to be. I've been told that I invest too much emotion in everything I do, which is true, but it's part of who I am. I don't know how not to. This play is the perfect example. I never wanted to become this emotionally involved in the show. I guess it's just the thesbian in me... I crave the drama.

I've also come to the realization that for all the self-evolution I attempt, I'm forgetting to change the important parts. Last night, Todd told me that I should stop changing myself to be with other people, but I think that's a bit of a catch-22. If I don't change, I don't evolve, and therefore stop learning. I don't have any reason to change for myself, with the exception of what I've discovered in the past few weeks. I'm emotionally abusive in my relationships. I'm jealous, I have anger issues, and I'm aparently more manipulative than even I thought I was. These are things that need to change, and I think it comes back to my needing to let go. I don't want to lose what I have, especially with Todd, but I have to learn to let go.

Other situations have been presented to me in the past few weeks. It's really making me re-evaluate what I want/need as both an individual and as a woman. I feel... "transitory" (Todd's word of the night last night). Like, I'm in the midst of major changes personally (not as much professionally unfortunatly), but I can't see them. Or, that opertunaties have been presented, and the choices I make will affect me for a long time, and I can't decide whether I should stay in the comfort area (where I'm happy) or take a risk. I know that taking the risk is usually the best option, but this time, I feel like I should... stand still. Wait. Which is odd, usually I wish I could run.