Notes

There is a large bottle of water sitting next to me right now. I need to start drinking and re-filling this water more often.

The stars are very pretty tonight. I looked up at them as I was walking to the front door after rehearsal, and there was a brief, passing thought in my head about how the night would be warmer if someone were holding my hand.

You know, I really do like being single. It's just that that damned day is coming up. Singles Awareness Day, also known as St. Valentine's Day: a day where single people are tormented by the facade of happy people, desperatly in love, where corperate markets cater both to them in lavish expensive trinkets symbolizing everlasting devotion (if only for 15 minutes...), and us, the single, through the production of teddy bears, chocolate and cheap wine in which to drown ourselves.

This year, I'm pretty much guarenteed that it won't be celebrated with more than a few snarky remarks (my wit is being finely honed...) and some sarcastic banter. I wanted to throw a singles mixer, but I just don't know if I really have the energy. That, and I think that if I can't spend it in a romantic context, I would rather spend it alone. Drunk, and possibly watching Kill Bill, parts 1 and 2, but most certainly alone.

While discussing the amount of "oh my god, why did they do that???" going on in SOS right now, I said something to Devin that kinda caught me. I said that it was strange to see this new pair forming, so completely... opposite, lets say, and inexperianced, with no actual intent of starting something in the first place, and I'm seeing no action. I mean, I'm putting myself out there... well, trying to. I still don't think I"m doing it right.

I shouldn't even be thinking about this kind of stuff... I have FAR too much personal development to work on right now, including the One-Week-Rapid-Detox-Weight-Loss plan Mom's sending up for me so I can trim down before VM and tIoBE, and the progress I've been making with actually getting to class on time... I'm still working on digging up my room mind you... I know I should, because what happens if someone randomly shows up at my door and wants to hang out, or talk... And my room's a hole? Hmm...

But the stars are very pretty. It's crisp and clean and clear and silent. I wish I could feel that, without feeling the cold...

Damn Singles Awareness Day...

Be a Deer.

First off, I haven't posted in a while, and I'm sorry about that... I needed to sort out a few things. But thank you to all of my friends for being so supportive. Oh, and a special thanks to my sister Ashley for making her very first (I think...) comment on EpicSparky... She should definatly comment here more often.

I don't really want to discuss that post again yet, except to say that the majority of the issue(s) that surrounded that post have been resolved. I mean, some things obviously haven't been, but I'm in a less-violent frame of mind... we'll leave it at that.

So, I saw a deer today. On the hill on the way up to the school. I like seeing deer... It fills me with this wierd, nostalgic form of... I don't know, hope? Optimism? Serenity? Something good, anyways. And it made me feel a little stronger in my resolve. Every now and then, I realize how wishy-washy I am. My goals are usually a bit Jell-o-y, in that they wiggle and move and get squishy... and, unlike Jell-o, need firming up from time to time. But I feel, like I can do this. Like this isn't really as bad as it seems. Like I can handle it, all in stride.

Of course, that feeling may also come from the influx of CASH I'll be getting tomorrow. But, you know, deer rock too.

I have 2 assignments due tomorrow, on of which is finished, just needs a cover page and to be printed, the other is half done, I just need to rank order my values (hah!).

I really feel good right now. In a quiet, firm sort of way. I wish, though, I felt like this more often. I'm sure it will come with age... Aparently, a lot of things do.

That's all for now.

Fever

So, I'm pretty sure I should really be lying down. I've had an icky fever since I woke up this morning, and the Tylenol hasn't kicked in yet. But before I lie down, I'd like to let you all in on something:

There are exactly 2 times where my mind works at it's clearest and purest: when I'm a passenger in a vehicle, and when I'm running warm. Here are a couple of the things that entered my head while I was standing in line at school, waiting for OSAP, or walking to my car.

1)I saw this little "mini-waterfall" under the steps leading up to Lot 10 (where I now park). I realized that that water, running over rocks, is slowly grinding down a fine path in the earth. The water is buffing away loose dirt and stone. It is literally carving a path in the earth. What struck me about this is that it's January 12. There should be no melt, no running water. This means that if current weather trends continue, the excess melt, runoff and other drainage, will eventually carve cracks into the planet's surface. Even the standing water is slowly softening the world's surface. It was so beautiful I wanted to cry.

2) the other night, a part of my physical person was absorbed into the body of another physical person, and a part of him became a part of me in the same way. It's the most bizarre thing ever to think about, and even to talk about... but it's increadably reassuring to know that there's now a person out there who carries a part of me in him at all times. It's this strange... platonic yet not connection. Like, it's not a relationship in conventional terms... there's nothing physical going on, nothing sexual at all... but there's a really weird intimacy about it. I like it... but I think it's a bit overwhelming.... I haven't totally processed the implications of this kind of connection. A tiny part of me wants to think that this will probably blow up in my face... but I really don't want it to.

3) I love the word Fatalistic.

And now I'm going to go curl up into a little ball for an hour or two.