The Quiet

written April 28/05

I'm here alone in the house. Well, I'm not alone, the dog's here, and the cat's downstairs, and my sister is somewhere… But I feel alone. Completely alone. It's so quiet and still: there's a storm blowing in. Even the house is cold and damp. There's been so much rain in the last few days, but once it stops, everything's going to explode with new growth and regeneration. It's almost a little scary: watching everything bloom and grow and green around you, and wondering if you're blooming too. Obviously I feel different, but I'm still very nervous about my future. I wish it wasn't such a huge source of Anxiety for me: I look at my friends, and it sometimes seems like they have everything set and planned out. Even those who should be worried don’t. It makes me wonder why I do worry so much.

I think this fear/nervousness stems from time. This past school year went by increadably fast. Too fast. I'm a bit bewildered by it. I know I accomplished a lot, but it just feels like it all sped by, and I feel a bit lost. And I keep thinking, if this year went by so quickly, what will happen next year, when my schedual will be completely packed (already, it's looking like time is going to be an endangered species), and I will be preparing for graduation. Graduation. Just the thought of it makes my stomach lurch a bit. I mean, that's 4 years of my life. 4 years of training and work and papers and tests and for what? Where will I go next? It's hard to sit still when so much is up in the air, but there's really nothing I can do right now.

Choices and Opertunaties present themselves every day. Doors open, and whichever door you walk through will create a different path, with other different doors, and paths, and even some windows where you can see what the other paths look like. Sometimes these views are reassuring, and comfort us in the knowledge that we've ultimatly made the right decision. There are other instances, though, which show us a happier picture than where we are. Problem is, it's not ours. Even if we could climb through that window and be that other life, it wouldn't be our lives; our choice.

It's hard to come to terms with the fact that I'm here. It's even harder to realize that I’m now 21, and the choices that I've made have lead me here, and shaped who I am. And I do like most of it (now), it's just that sometimes I feel insecure, like I'm on a limb that's not yet strong enough to support my weight.

I can't accept the fact that I'm an adult. I doubt everyone really does. I feel like I need more training, or like I need some kind of checklist. I don't feel like I'm there yet. Sometimes I worry about what will happen when I'm out on my own, living alone, working, paying my own bills… I don't even like to think about what will happen when I have a family. Having to support a man is one thing, but a child who can't survive on it's own… one who can't eat, can't speak, or function without me. That is the ultimate dependance. With a man, though it appears that they can't eat, clean or appear civilized without a woman's intervention, I would be solid in the knowledge that a grown man is his own person, and his choices are his own. If I were to leave a man, he would be able to survive all by himself. But a child has no means of survival aside from me. I can barely function on my own!

I don't think I'll ever have children. Aside from the aforementioned reason, I wouldn't want a child to go through what I've been through. The teasing, the emotional problems, the acne, the psychological malfunctions… not to mention the physical mess that is growing up. Everyone goes through it… I just don't know if I can handle it.

I'm sure I will, when the time comes. Insecurity is the pre-thought. In the moment, strength comes, whether you want it to or not.