New Sun Rising

And tomorrow beings a new day.

You know, it would have been more fitting to do this yesterday, as it would have been the beginning of the month, new school year, all that, but no worries. September 2nd will have to do.

Yes, ladies and gentalmen, He's gone. "Letting Go" should have said that much, but this time I'm sober, and I mean it. Todd K. Wells is out of my life for good. Off the contact list, out of the address book, out of the city, Buh-bye!

Granted, I would rather have done it in person. I don't think he understood the subtlties of what I was saying. Actually, I told him outright that the next time I saw him I'd rip his balls off, and he didn't get that either. And he rolled over and took it! No spine at all, that one. I'd feel bad for him if I cared about him anymore, but I've disovered something.

You see, children, there's a thing some people experiance, that is so like love, that a person can easily convince themselves that it is the real deal. This is called Obsession. Calvin Klein even named a fragrance after it! Obsession makes a person think about someone so much, only in positive lights, that their very presence consumes their existence. Sort of like Love, only it's usually one-sided, and fizzles out after a few weeks. I, unfortunatly, was under that spell for 3 years. 3 years where this person gave me value, and only the affectoin he so sparingly afforded me would cure the wounds in my ego. Or...id. Maybe Superego... I'm not exactly freudian.

In any case, I've developed a better sense of self worth recently (obviously) and realized that this "Love" I felt so deeply was to a man with no respect for me. The night of the Naked Hot-Tub Party(tm), knowing that Vanessa heard everything, he had sex with me in the bathroom, left the condom for all to see, and then crawled into bed with her, while I slept on the couch. And any number of times, he forgot about me for other, prettier, YOUNGER girls, which is really quite sad, as I'm only 21. Every time I tried to convince him that I really did care, he shot back some glib remark about how "no one could love a man like me", "I'm so horribly flawed", "You deserve better", "whaa...". I was just too blind to see what a shallow player this boy was.

And now, I've very much moved on with my life. I don't have someone else, but I don't need someone else. Not now, with so much going on in my life. Not with so much happiness and real love to give to someone who both needs and deserves it.

So, now, with that THAT emotional baggage is in the compacter, where it belongs, on to bigger and better things!

Well... not really. I spent most of the day in bed watching House. It's a FANTASTIC series. And I got some more reading done, which was nice, and another couple jobs came through NipWork that I'm debating... But here's my dilemma:

What if I go for NipWork, which pays at most $75/week, before tax, and I get something with Zellars, or Staples, or the Lucky? I mean, NipWork would be a LOT more fun! And I wouldn't have to take off my reading weeks/holidays, and I'd be right at the school, BUT there's no guarentee that I'll actually get it. I can only apply for 5 jobs out of about 60 that are currently posted (and some of those are skill-specific), and only accept 1. And, there's already been about 100 people accepted to the program. So, maybe I'll get lucky this year. Or, I'll take my resume into Passionate Kisses, and see what happens there! lol.

Blah, blah, blah... I wish I had something more exciting to report, but that's pretty much it. The Trews wasn't bad... I had a great time with Vanessa. We spent most of the night (through the whole concert, actually) sitting out, talking... We actually do have a lot in common. Aside from the fact that until last year, we both pretty much hated each other. Funny how that works out!

Anyways, back to House. And hopefully something more fun will happen tomorrow.

The Build

You know, something's been building inside me for the past couple days. I know it has something to do with my anger towards *cough* certain individuals, and I know it has something to do with my newly developed views on love, obsession and desparation. I'm just not sure where it's going. I have this horrid feeling that it's going to ferment into a ball of pent up rage, and cause massive harm to someone who doesn't deserve it. This is because the person (or people, really...) who most deserve it are people whom I may not talk to for a while, or really shouldn't be confronting for the sake of others involved. Either way, I'm not really liking the way it's making me feel. I'm very edgy, a little wired, and frankly, feeling a bit aggressive. I think maybe I should take up kick-boxing or something. Though, that may make the problem worse...

Today, for all of the sitting on my flat white posterior I did, I got a lot accomplished. First, I finally finished The Golden Compass, which has been known as everything from "the book", to "my Everest", to more recently "the bane of my existance". I really didn't like it that much. I found that there were too many storylines, one or two of which weren't really all that necessary, there was a love plot thrown in at the end which, though slightly predictable, seemed like it was tacked on at the end, and almost too intense for the piece. Not to mention that it was hard to keep up with, and really friggin long. I doubt a kid (as this was for kid lit) would actually have the patience for it. Never mind the reviews, though. Read it yourself and find out. The first book was awsome, and the second wasn't that bad.

I also got about 2/3 of the way through Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, which, though it's quite different from the movie, isn't bad at all. Some moments actually made more sense than in the movie. I can't wait to start into the rest of the series... At some point. HP&tPS is #4 on the list of 10 for Kid Lit, plus 2 text books, plus whatever I have to read for my other courses. But, I have most of this week, and half of next, to dig a chunk out of that list. Mind you, it may be a small chunk, given that Little Women is next in que, but a chunk nonetheless.

I don't know... I'm really not feeling myself tonight. Maybe it's just a feeling of "ok, done the vacay thing, now let's get on with it...", and maybe it's a bit of a need for a return to chaos. Or maybe I'm just tired, and dehydrated... I do have a headache.

Tomorrow, I will be heading out, returning completed applications, picking up a few things, dropping off more resume's, and likely making another stop at Allisons. Just to browse.

Maybe. Unless I see something good, like Black Trillium or its sequal, or White Oleander. Something I very much want to read, but don't have to right away.

I need a job. My addictions are obliterating my bank account.

Old News: Cookies and Creams...

Created on: 4/27/2005, 11:41 AM

I'm currently making cookies. Oatmeal Chocolate Chip with Coconut. I'm doing it for 2 reasons: one, because I have an insane amount of cooking supplies that I brought home from North Bay that I need to make use of, and two, because it keeps my hands busy.

I went to the doctor's yesterday to get my Effexor refilled, and finally managed to gather the courage to talk to her about the…spots on my chest. Most of you know about them. It's a skin condition, or so I say. Really, it's only minor (very minor) acne. But it's what I do to it that makes it look like it does now. I can't stop picking at them. I know, it's gross, but I can't help it. I know I'm causing a lot of damage (most of them are infected), but I just can't stop myself. I'll spend hours squeezing and pulling off scabs so they can't heal. Now, they're all red and painful. It's a psychological condition known as Dermatillomania. It's in the same family as trichotillomania, the condition where a person can't stop pulling out their hair, even when they develop bald patches. We (myself and the doc) aren't quite sure yet how to treat it, but the Effexor should help for now. Plus I'm on antibiotics for the infection, hoping that once the existing spots heal, the urge to pick will lessen. Right now, I'm just trying to keep busy so I'm not tempted to sit down and make things worse. Hence, cookies, and cleaning, and unpacking.

It's kinda nice to be home. I get the house to myself most of the day, so I can sleep in, and I can do laundry for mom… We're working on my neatness habits (it's like finishing school all over again!) so I don't make Mike crazy next year. The laundry thing I've gotten the hang of, especially since I don't have to carry the stuff up and down stairs, or pay $1.50 per load… And I'm getting better at the dishes thing… my room's still a stumbling block, mostly because I'm sorting through 3 years worth of old papers right now, then unpacking clothes. But I'll get through it. It'll just take time.

I start work next week. Afternoons, 3-11pm. It shouldn't be too bad, actually. I like Afternoon, because that's the block of time I'm most awake in. I'm on the shift that I like too, which is nice.

It's raining here today. And it's kinda cold. And grey. Pretty dismal, actually. I'm looking forward to the nicer weather coming back. I have an herb garden out back which needs tending. A note to all you gardeners out there: Don't ever plant Mint near anything. Ever. It takes over whatever you plant it in, and chokes everything else out. I have a beautiful oregano bush, and some lovely lavender, but the mint totally overtakes it if you leave it more than a week without a trim. I think that when I move into Mikes, I'm going to have little pots of herbs in my room, a little sprig of oregano, basil and maybe some lavender… just to smell nice. I'll have room for it too. And I think the dog's a bit depressed. She likes it that I'm home, but usually we go for walks around the yard when we go to get the mail, and it's been too cold and wet the last few days to do that. Poor thing.

Rain, Rain, go away.