Newly Different

I tried to update last night but the box froze. Go figure...

Anyways, I haven't posted in a while. I know I just started, but I felt I needed a break. This thing had kinda started out on a negative note, and that wasn't the original intent. I've decided to start over. Sort of. The issues I discussed before haven't really gone away, they're just... not as pressing as they once were.

I'm trying to make some changes in my life. I've noticed that I'm not where I could/should be. My grades are too low for me to do anything with my degree once I get it, and I can't do much to get them high enough for... Well, I've decided that maybe I was right all along. maybe I should teach. But now that I've finally made that decision, I'm finding out that my average is just too low for that to happen, and I don't have any real experiance teaching. So, I've decided that I'm going to try. I'm going to do my best to bring my grades up as high as I can, and see where I wind up.

Also, I'm looking at some aspects of my life, and I'm realizing that I'm losing control of myself. i'm gaining weight. I don't look healthy anymore. In the shower this morning, I could literally feel my muscles begging for more work... as though they can tolerate more stress, but I'm not putting them up to the challenge. I've decided to start going to the gym again. And drinking more water. I think I'm overly dehydrated.

I've been re-evaluating my personal life too. I think I'm afraid. I'm afraid of looking for anyone else, because I'm afraid I'll forget about... well, that one person. And I'm afraid of putting myself out there again. I hate looking for new people. It's frightening, and it's...unsafe? uncomfortable, I suppose. And frustrating, too. Every time I meet someone, it feels like someone else falls away.

I don't know how to fix all of these things, but I'm going to try. Something told me a while ago that this would be my year... I think maybe I should be looking at 2005. I've tried asking for help, and obviously recieved none. It's time to re-discover my independance, and start closing off some of the vines into my life that I've opened. It's time to grow up.

Crush

Today I discovered the power of pressure. I completed 2 pointless assignmnets, and wrote a sonnet in 5 minutes, impressing my profs, my classmates and even myself, to a point.

Honestly, though, today was a bitter one... Though I got those assignments done, I got some back that were less than I expected, and as well, I didn't get the job I needed. A pox on Campus Security! I can walk, what more do you need??

I've been feeling suffocated of late. A combination of overworked and underappreciated. It makes me... angry. And anxious... restless, like I should be doing something to fix myself, but I am simply unmotivated. which is rather strange... you would think a dissatisfaction with one's life would provide the motivation to make changes, but it doesn't. It falls under learned helplessness. I studied it in my first year. When, no matter what someone does, the results are continually negative, eventually the person just gives up, stops trying, and "lies down". Takes their beating without question of why or any struggle. It's sad, but it's true.

I've tried asking my friends for help, but they're too caught up in their own (and to an extent eachother's) lives to have the time or patience to help me with mine.

I'm sitting here, my room a mess, dishes un-done, papers scattered, debating a glass of wine. Just to ease my tired muscles and give me a reason for that stuffy-brain feeling. I need to do laundry. I want to go out... When I started here, I adopted a relativly lax attitude, that things would be fine as long as I had people around me. for some reason, those friends seem to have developed fair weather-feathers. As soon as they have one assignment, or "Signifigant Others", they fly off, and I don't see them again until Exams or their next 10 free seconds... Maybe what I'm lacking is that attention these people in love have. The have an automatic, 24-hour best friend, source of affection, sounding board and comfort-dolly. All I have is this blog, and my fish, Ferdinand, and he's not the affectionate type.

I also realized tonight that I've stopped writing again. I stopped before, and when I restarted, I managed some interesting stuff that I deemed "pretty good" (high praise for myself). Now, I'm being forced to write for class, and I feel... clogged. Like there's good stuff there, just that there's something else in the way. I've felt like this before, on many different levels... it seems a bit bigger now. It almost seems tangeable, that I should be able to physicallt "pluck" this thing away and move on, let my energies flow... but I can't see it. And I realize that it staring me in the face as we speak. I know that it's right there... I just can't get to it. Yet.

And so it begins...

Here I am. I've tried Blogging before, but I usually give up on it after a few weeks. We'll see what happens, but I make no promises.

So, call me Sparky. I got the name from my sister. I find it suits me well: I spark up and fizzle out, my temper is legendary, and I'm told I can be hot and cold. I'm never the same way twice, which is both lucky and horribly unfortunate.

I'll try to be interesting. Again, no Promises. Promises, at least in recent days, are far too easily broken. In any case, I suppose I should begin.

I'm feeling a bit reflective at the moment, obviously, or I wouldn't be writing this. I'm thinking about people, especially one boy, Todd. He has been teaching in England for the past 2 months, and wasn't supposed to be coming back until December. Now, he's thinking about coming home next week. I'm not ready for that! I had plans to tone up, lose some weight and at least be dating someone else by the time he came back. I'll explaine more about him once I get chance, since he'll more than likely come up often.

Also, I'm thinking about poetry. I have a "Reading Journal" due in that class on Wednesday. I've been reading a bit, but I prefer lyrics. I'm not usually one to sit down and listen to a full CD, but tonight I did. Melissa Ethridge's "Your Little Secret". It's made me think about how her works run into eachother, how universal they are, and how much I relate to her songs. There are only a few artists I can feel that with, and usually that's in ONE song.

What else? I'm thinking about whether or not I've changed over the last year. You can't really help me there... I did keep a journal then, but I didn't publish it. I don't think I've changed that much. I think I've gotten harder, grown up somewhat more in the last few months. Chris helped me to see that, instead of finding myself within the universe, I need to work back, and find myself within what I've made of myself; that I'm more simple than I've made myself. Meant in the best light, of course. Working backwards to move forwards. It's a deeply personal process, but I'd rather share it. I'd rather bounce ideas off real people than imaginary versions of my friends, which is all I'll have until I get my homework done.

Go Figure.

So that's all for now. I know, it's disjointed and not the best way to start, but it's all I've got. There's no way to ease into this mess, you have to jump in head first.