A New Chapter...

After waiting for three hours yesterday and almost being late for work, I finally got to see a doctor at the Medical Clinic. My appointment was for 11.30am, and I didn't get to see the doc until 2pm. I was less than impressed. I mean, if we're 15 minutes late for an appointment, it costs us $30, $50 if we're a half hour late; the doc can be 3 hours late, and we don't even get recent magazines?! Insanity.

Anyways, the reason I went to see the doc was because I can't function in the real world anymore. I wake up angry, walk in circles for an hour because I just can't sit still, then cry for hours for absolutly no reason. Mom says I'm even getting paranoid, but I'm not... I"m actually pretty certain that the pharmacutical companies are in cahoots with the government to turn us all into brain-dead soldiers... I can't sleep at night, I don't want to eat when I'm hungry and when I start eating I can't stop, and all week (this is my 3rd week with nothing in my system) I've felt like I"m walking underwater... like everything takes just that much more effort.

So, I'm now on Cipralex, a.k.a Lexapro (the American name...), which is a form of Celexa with fewer lasting side effects. I start at 10mg/day, and my jump to 20mg sometime next month if needed. I've heard good things about it, and aparently it's supposed to be effective in treatment-resistant depression and GAD. So, I'm hoping that this one works properly. And I won't be going past 20mg unless it's obviously necessary... no more of this "Why feel 60% better, when you can feel 11103048562984742846.2% better!!??" crap.

...I don't even think that's a real number...

Anyways... 2 more days of work, and Friday we have a tear-down, which isn't really work, just cleaning, so That's good. I can't wait to get out of that place. People are starting to make me crazy. Besides, everytime I turn around I have something else to do before/after I get back. Tomorrow is Shopping day, and this weekend is our Martin family reunion (which means everyone goes to the cottage together before Uncle Steve, his NEW FINACEE Marnie and his daughter Rio go back to B.C.) then from Monday to friday I have appointments to book and see to, the car has to go into the shop, I have to pack, I really should call Mike and let him know that I'm alive and planning to return...Then once I'm back, I have to get my schedual figured, I need proof of registration for the bank and dad's insurance, I've got to make at least 2 appointments with Dr. Gooderham already... I think I need a vacation. Or 7.

Oh, and One more thing before I venture back to the land of Mayo and Dippy Sauce... Epic Congratulations to Katie and Adam Taylor, as well as Tanya and Josh Partridge, both couples saying their I Do's this weekend. Ladies, keep a tight leash, and Gentalmen, don't screw it up.

Big Stuff, Small post.

So, things haven't been going the best. Or they've been going great, depending on what you focus on. Either way, I don't really want to talk about things extensivly, so I'll just go by way of the short list.

1) I have my B. A. (lib).
2) Nathan and I broke up, but we're going to re-evaluate things in August and see where we are
3)I got "promoted" to dry Weigh up, so I make another dollar an hour (until after my probation)
4) I'm constantly exhausted, and feel ill all the time.
5) my shoulder is going agin, and my muscles are all pretty angry at me.
6) I'm once again having doubts about going to Canadore. Or, rather, going back to North Bay. I'm not sure if it's worth it. Not the education part, but... I don't know... the "does this really do anything for me" part. I'm sure, like all things, this too will pass.

That's it.

I don't Like Mondays....

I'm tired, and it's late, and I have to get up redonculously early tomorrow, so I'll make this real quick:

1/ Our Company has just instated Mandatory Overtime. How this works is: you are given the opertunity to sign up for posted overtime until about a week before (Our overtime is almost always on weekends). If not enough people sign up for overtime that weekend, on the tuesday a notice will be posted listing the people who WILL be working. Obviously, those who volunteered will get spots, but to fill any extra places, H.R. will start at the bottom of the seniority list ("lowest most-qualified employee), and work their way up. If you're schedualed to work, it's the same as a day in the week: you show up, or there are penalties.

Why are my panties in a twist over this? Well, because on my shift, there are 2, maybe 3 people on full time crew who are lower on the list than me, and maybe 2-3 above, depending on what they do with back-up operators. One of the crew people below me is on light duty, so she is not legally allowed to work overtime (right now, she only stays for half a shift). So that means that all it takes is for 2 crew spots to be empty and I'm up to bat, which means I might have to fight to get this coming Saturday off, not to mention 2 weeks from now, when Nathan is supposed to be visiting. At least I still get time and a half...

2/ Labour Board (aka "The Ministry") was in today. Shut down half the plant due to "unsafe or hazardous working conditions". They were coming back on the afternoon shift to do another tour and see if at least one of the lines would get back up and running, and then they'll be in for probably the rest of the week, inspections next week, then the week after, depending on how bad we do... It's the beginning of the end, and people are not happy. The Ministry guy was less than impressed with the hazards around the plant, and was apalled by our cook's area. I don't think he's even been back to the warehouse yet, and he already had half a notebook full. The supervisers are all on their last nerves, the crew still hasn't been told what we can and cannot work with (certain machines we're no longer allowed to operate, or even touch, because of pinch/cut hazards). Needless to say, everyone's just a little twitchy right now.

3/ I emailed an old friend a few nights ago, and I haven't heard back from him. This concerns me a little.

4/ Yeah, I'm still coming on the 9th. Come hell or high tempers, I will be there for my convocation. And I will have a cell on me, probably mine, for that weekend, so if you need/want me, call it.

5/Everwood ended tonight. It was fluffy and sappy and good and I liked it.

6/ Books read so far this summer:

• The Davinci Code
• White Oleander
• Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (in progress)
• A Million Little Pieces (Next in que)
• My Friend Leonard (Continuation of Million Pieces)

So that's it for now. More when I have time, energy and info.

Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Yay.

Scary Stuff

There was an accident at work this week. One of the operators on the shift after mine managed to catch her head in a machine with a great deal of moving, automated pieces. She's ok now, but she won't be back to work any time soon, and will likely never operate again. She has a broken nose, fractured jaw, fractured cheek bone, skull fracture, and two deep cuts on her face, needing about 25-30 stitches total. She came in to visit us today (she had a CAT scan yesterday, and will be having surgery on Tuesday), and her face was so swollen, bruised and distorted that most people barely recognised her. The worst part is, she has no memory of what happened, and is terrified that she's going to lose her job.

So, big, HUGE changes are coming at work. Lots of new gates and shields, lock-out procedures, and protocol. Crew used to be able to change the tapers on the box erectors, and to open the guards and pull out crushed boxes, but now we can't even touch those parts of the machines. Aside from conveyer belts, we can't touch anything that moves, which is making life hell for the operators, who now have to watch our side of the floor (the pack-off side) from behind a brick wall (the operator's side). Because most lines are run by temporary employees with no training, I would imagine that there will soon be more people hired on full time, and certainly more caser-operators who are trained/allowed to fix problems on our side. There was roumer floating about that even the operators won't be allowed to fish out stuck boxes, and that they will have to call maintnence to do it, but I can't imagine that the plant is ready to hire on at least 10 more maintnence people per shift: that's what it would take to pull that off.

So, for the next week, or at least until the Labour Board leaves, there's caution tape all around the machine where the accident happened. Until yesterday night, there was still bloody paper towels and blood on the machine because no one could get in to clean up. Friggin Scary. I'm glad I wasn't on that shift, and I'm glad Louise is going to be ok. She's increadably lucky: she could have been killed.

So, everyone's a bit more safety concious right now, and still in shock. I haven't noticed a lot of the changes because I've been on light duty for the past 3days with a pulled muscle in my left shoulder, but people are still pretty tense, and there are a lot more people running around in lab coats than there usually is.

So, I'll say this to ANYONE who reads this scrap of html coding and sleep deprived rantage:

No job is worth your health, or your life. You, as an employee, have the RIGHT to refuse to perform tasks that you feel are hazardous or unsafe, and if your employer gives you grief about it, you can report them, and the company can face big fines. Even in retail settings: you can really hurt yourself lifting heavy boxes. So, please be aware. Make sure, before you start somewhere new, and once a year double-check, that you know where all of your exits, fire extinguishers, eye-wash stations, emergency stops... ANYTHING like that is. Especially with factory work (I know that there are a few out there who read this after a long day on the end of a line). I actually keep in my wallet a page with a list of emergency phone numbers, my health card number and medications. I know it seems paranoid, but better to be safe.

Other than that, not much has been happening here. I'm just trying to stay afloat until the 9th, when I go back to the bay to graduate! (Can you tell I'm a little excited?) I'm still not too sure what is going on post-convocation. I would like to visit people, I'd like to have drinks and hang out with friends... but right now, there are no set plans. But that's ok. I'm sure whatever I wind up doing will work.

Um... Yeah, that's pretty much it for now. I mean, stuff is still kinda puttering along here, the world is still turning... What more can you ask for.

Cookies. That's what.

Learn to be still

Sorry for the length between posts. I'm back at home and back on dial-up, so posts may be few and far between.

I met with Dr. Meek. He seems nice enough, and he gave me an exercise to work with. He said that my modles for dealing with certian emotions are out of whack, and that I need to create new ones. It made sense when he explained it to me, and I've been trying to so the exercises, but part of it involves immersing yourself in an emotion, identifying it, re-emmersing and trying to decide if that's the real emotion, or if there's something else behind it. And that's all well and good, and it worked when I was with him. But here, now, I'm worried that if I immerse myelf in some of the things I feel, I won't be able to pull myself back out.

I thought I was starting to feel better. I thought I'd found somehting that I could work with. Now I'm not so sure. It seems like every time I take a step forward, something sets me three steps back.

Right now, I'm trying to keep myself awake for a few more hours. I start on midnights tomorrow at 11pm, so I'll need to be able to stay up until at least 4-5am tonight to be able to make it to 7am Monday morning. Mom, dad and the dog are at the cottage, and I've officially dubbed Ash and Josh the "Thumper and Bumper" of the south. It's not bad enough that the day after I left from thanksgiving holidays, she'd taken my brand new bed apart, moved it into her room and given me her old day bed with the shoddy mattress, but now I have to listen to them break it in. Yuck.

I still feel trapped in my own skin. The weight won't come off because I can't stop myself from eating (which Dr. Meek brought up like he was expecting me to say it), I'm spending more money than I have (gift certificates for my birthday), and... everything's still moving way too fast, with everyone here looking to me for answers I don't have. I'm seriously thinking about running away to the cottage for a weekend by myself. Mom and I went for a couple of days last week, but it wasnt enough. Of course, I can't go by myself, because mom and I discovered that there's a bee's nest somewhere on the roof, and bees are crawling in through the skylight, and I'm petrified of bees. I just want to be somewhere where there is no one but me.

Strangely, I don't think I'm ever going to be able to do that.
I may just suffocate.

The All-incompasing Holiday post.

(From January 2, 2006)

Well, here we are. 2006. So far, it doesn't really feel any different from 2005.

Obviously, things haven't been going that great for me recently. Oh, don't get me wrong, Christmas was fantastic, and I did get my jingle-bell feeling, Christmas Eve of all days… It's what's to come that has me returning to old habits.

The pillow fort thing came back to me again. This time, there were actual schematics and passcodes and little flags. I had gone as far as divising a way to keep 12 bottles of water cold within the fort without cooling the fort itself before I managed to push the idea from my mind. Then the idea of running away came back. Of course, I'm still nervous getting into a car, so I wouldn't go that way, but still… I started thinking about following my sister's lead and vanishing to Vancouver for a week or two (she's taking her boyfriend for a week in January… must be nice).

The difference this time, as compared to the other times I've thought about running or hiding, is that this time, both feelings were accompanied by one phrase: "I don't want to go back". See, while I was here, I worked at Richardsons. This brought a lot of things to my attention, but one thing in particular stands out: people do actually make a career of doing this. People my age. And in this line of work, you know exactly what's happeneing from one day to the next, one week to the next, one month from now… there's nothing unpredictable about it. There's no need for a plan B, because there's very little about plan A that will change.

I've been having a lot of trouble dealing with the fact that my life has hit a very unstable patch. I don't really know what will be happening once I get back to the Bay, or once I get my grades back. I might not graduate this year. I might have to pick up another 3-credit course somehow. I might have to take a spring or summer course. I might not get into college. These are all pretty big "might" problems. And there's no way for me to control them right now, so all I can do is sit here and worry about it: come up with more plan B through Z's, plan and plot how I can survive on social assistance living in a van down by the river…

And it's not just school. I've become a bad roomate. I know this, and I want to fix it… I just don't want to face up to it to the guys. I'm terrified that there will be yelling. I can't deal with yelling; and I've felt guilty about the whole thing since I was told about it before Christmas, and because there's been really no way to correct it from here… All I can do is berate myself, so anything that can be said once I'm back up north will likely just be salt in the wound.

I had a bad, bad night Friday. It started just before 10pm, when I was getting ready for bed. Mom asked me what's been bothering me, and I broke. I cried for nearly an hour while I explained pretty much all of the above to her, and while she tried to help me figure out ways to correct what I've been doing wrong. Then I got online, started talking to Nathan, and cried unconsolably for another hour, before finally falling asleep. I don't know why I couldn't stop, but it got scary. I was pretty sure that I'd finally lost it. And of course, my face is now a red, scaly, peeling mess, which makes me feel all sorts of pretty… In short, my self esteem's shot, and in one weeks time, I will be heading back to a place that has a tendancy of kicking my self-esteem's ass. Not necessarily the house, but the town… the school, work (which may also be picking up), just…everything.

On top of all this, starting tomorrow, I have to completely overhaul my diet. Because I've had to start taking iron supliments, I have to cut out all fried foods, all excess fats and sugars (which kills about half of my current diet), double, if not triple, my intake of fibre and water, AND I have to start following a proper exercise program (not because of the iron, but because my Doc says so… it should help the Effexor work properly), as well as start regulating my sleep patterns. Ugh.

***

So, that was January 2nd. Not a happy place for me, obviously, and I'd like to say that things have changed, but they haven't much. I still don't really want to go back to North Bay. There are still a lot of uncertainties, and a few issues I have to face, but really would rather not. My emotions are messed up completely, and I find myself getting angry and frustrated for no real reason. But, mom has been helping me with some of my more "asthetic" problems, like the "take a half hour and just clean" regimine she has me on. I'm also starting to adjust my diet, though the progress is slow.

The only real bit of happy news I've gotten is that I managed to somehow pass Romance… I got 51%. I'm not sure how, but at least now one thing is certain: I *will* graduate Nipissing this year.

***

And that was yesterday.

Now, assuming you've read the post before this, you are pretty much up to date.

Cheers!

Good Stuffs, and New Stuffs.

So, some interesting things have happened over the last few days.

First, and most importantly, Nathan got a new job. He will be starting at Teletech on Jan. 2nd. Yay, and congratulations sweetie! You're going to do so well!

Second, I got 3 (possibly 4, I have to call back tomorrow) shifts at Unifine after Christmas. Which totally rocks... though, they're all days shifts, so early mornings... but what the heck. I need the cash.

Third, I have interesting news on the medical front: Dr. Chin raised my Effexor from 150mg to 220 mg. That's a rather expensive jump, as I now have to take 2 seperate pills a night. Once those are out, though, I may be switching one of the amounts to a equal dosage of Welbutrin, as it may cancel out some of the side effects I've been noticing.

Also, she had a nurse take 4 vials of blood out of me (which I wasn't terribly pleased with, but I lived through it) to test my liver function, as well as a few other things, because I've been bruising easily, and my gums have started bleeding when I brush my teeth. That, and I'm still not healing well. so tomorrow, I've got to make an appointment for before I head back to go over the results. As long as they don't tell me I'm dying or pregnant, I'll be more than happy.

That's all for tonight. Just good things happening, finally. I thought the bad luck would never end.