Run Away.

I've been contemplating couch surfing for the rest of the summer.
I've also been thinking about throwing up my hands and packing up the car and moving back to North Bay.
I've also been thinking about digging a hole in the back yard and going ferral.

My mother and my sister have become identical twins. They both have highlighted blond hair that they spend an hour every few nights straightning with an iron. They both shop at the same stores and wear the same style of clothes. They both work at the same place. They talk about the same things, mostly about the Curves girls and about me and my "habbits". Ash is dating a boy exactly like my dad. Dad's been spending every night at the cottage finishing the ceiling, winterizing and whatever; except thursdays when he spends the night with the boys getting drunk and driving around town.

Mom's putting me on a diet again. This time, I'm not allowed pasta. Already, white bread is only allowed in bagle form, because that's all ash will eat. I can eat all the veggies I want, but mom wants me to "significantly reduce" my portion sizes on everything else.

Every conversation we have ends with her saying "you look like you're losing weight, don't you feel thinner?" and me saying "No, mom, I still have 3 pairs of jeans that I can't fit into, and they still don't make bras in my size." Of course, every conversation usually has something to do with my lack of "care" about "the state of my room", how the smell of beans makes Ash "wanting to do the vomit", how Ash doesn't like the smell of the tuna I eat, How Ash isn't really a Swiffer Nazi, she's just very organized.

It's almost 6am. Midnights have thrown my sleeping patterns off enough that I just kinda pass out whenever I need it. I've been up for 3 hours and I'm contemplating drinking myself back to sleep again. I've been good so far, though, not one drink since Aunt Deanna's party.

I feel like Hell.

Dad's convinced that I'll never get a job with the education I'm getting. He doesn't want me to take OSAP because he doesn't want me coming out of school with debt, but at the same time, I know he's asking himself why he's still paying for me to avoid the real world. Mom keeps checking Workopolis and Monster for me, looking for jobs that I can't/don't want to apply for for at least another 2 years, and she sees a lot of "MSW"'s, "BSW"'s, "RN"'s, "RPN"'s and the like, but nothing for a social service worker, addictions and mental health worker, or crisis counciller (without nursing experiance). I don't know what to tell her. I know that a new Youth Addiction Treatment Facility is opening in Kitchener next year, but I don't know that they'll want to hire. I know that I can do some placement with the Children's Aid Society, but I don't think they'll hire me without a BSW, which I can 't get in North Bay. I know that everyone keeps telling me that the call for people with my kind of training will be growing, but I can't get my masters without getting a bachelor's first, and to do that, my best bet is another three years through Athabasca, and I want to get out there and WORK once I have this.

So, yeah. I'm working on going off my meds again. Dr. Meek wants to see what I'm like without them. I figure that by the time August comes, I'll be on Celexa. They say that the frist time you're on antidepressants, you're on them for 6 months, then the next time for a year, then the next time, you're on them for the rest of your life.

I was on Zoloft for 6 months. I've been on Effexor for over a year. Celexa, assuming it works, may be the one that finally convinces them that I'm sick, and I need to be helped, somehow, for the rest of my life. I did the math, and it's actually cheaper for me to be put in an instatution on an out-patient basis than what I"m doing now. Dr. Meeks should be charging $150/hour, but he's not because he's my sister's friend's father, and he knows my insurance only covers $300/year (So, 2 hours. glad someone thought THAT one through...)

I feel like I should be put in a home. I think, sometimes, that that would be best. I feel like I'm a danger to myself, if not others.

But, instead, I'll just go along with the diet. Mom heard from her boss (who is an optomitrist/personal trainer/life coach) that Omega-3's & -6's help aid depression, and there's a posting at Curves that claims that a banana a day cures all. She might be right.

I'm reading "A Million Little Pieces". I know it was discredited as complete fiction, but I still almost completely relate to the main character, even though I'm not an Alcoholic/Addict/Criminal. I know what it's like to feel the Fury he feels where all you want is to murder/kill/destroy. I think the 12 steps is religious nonsense. I know what it's like for people to try to help you without trying to help YOU.

just under 60 days remain.

Learn to be still

Sorry for the length between posts. I'm back at home and back on dial-up, so posts may be few and far between.

I met with Dr. Meek. He seems nice enough, and he gave me an exercise to work with. He said that my modles for dealing with certian emotions are out of whack, and that I need to create new ones. It made sense when he explained it to me, and I've been trying to so the exercises, but part of it involves immersing yourself in an emotion, identifying it, re-emmersing and trying to decide if that's the real emotion, or if there's something else behind it. And that's all well and good, and it worked when I was with him. But here, now, I'm worried that if I immerse myelf in some of the things I feel, I won't be able to pull myself back out.

I thought I was starting to feel better. I thought I'd found somehting that I could work with. Now I'm not so sure. It seems like every time I take a step forward, something sets me three steps back.

Right now, I'm trying to keep myself awake for a few more hours. I start on midnights tomorrow at 11pm, so I'll need to be able to stay up until at least 4-5am tonight to be able to make it to 7am Monday morning. Mom, dad and the dog are at the cottage, and I've officially dubbed Ash and Josh the "Thumper and Bumper" of the south. It's not bad enough that the day after I left from thanksgiving holidays, she'd taken my brand new bed apart, moved it into her room and given me her old day bed with the shoddy mattress, but now I have to listen to them break it in. Yuck.

I still feel trapped in my own skin. The weight won't come off because I can't stop myself from eating (which Dr. Meek brought up like he was expecting me to say it), I'm spending more money than I have (gift certificates for my birthday), and... everything's still moving way too fast, with everyone here looking to me for answers I don't have. I'm seriously thinking about running away to the cottage for a weekend by myself. Mom and I went for a couple of days last week, but it wasnt enough. Of course, I can't go by myself, because mom and I discovered that there's a bee's nest somewhere on the roof, and bees are crawling in through the skylight, and I'm petrified of bees. I just want to be somewhere where there is no one but me.

Strangely, I don't think I'm ever going to be able to do that.
I may just suffocate.

Moving right along.

Went home this weekend for a wedding and a baptism. The wedding was lovely; compleatly disorganized, but that's how our family seems to work. Aparently, the bridal party disappeared for an hour or two and had a few beers on the golf course, and the bride mooned the lot of us waiting for dinner to start, but hey, the place was gorgeous, the food was amazing... And the baptism was interesting... Aparently the water was quite cold, and there was nothing funnier than watching Alysia walk into it and start mouthing "Holy crap! Oh God!"

Mom and Nan have vowed to return me to the size I was when I came here in September. I'm looking forward to it, but Nathan's not too impressed. I mean, after mom's talk of living on 2 tablespoons of trailmix and half sandwiches... I think he thinks they're going to starve me. And he doesn't like that mom wants me to start shopping with my sister. Not that he doesn't like Ash, just that he thinks she's Canada's answer to Paris Hilton, and he doesn't want me attracting "that kind" of attention. He's not as jealous as he used to be, but still...

I'm finishing the kid lit essay as we speak (yeah, I know...), and I'm starting the drama essay asap, because I"ve got massive packing and studying to do, plus with the sun shining and the weather warming off, I want to get out there and enjoy it.

I'm still keeping my jounral, and the one thing I'm noticing is that even when I try, I don't eat well, or drink enough water for the coffee I drink.

So, yeah...

Plans

So here's the deal:

I'm going home tomorrow. Thursday till Sunday. I talked to Danny this afternoon, and he told me that he did the same last weekend, and was more productive then than over the whole month. I'm hoping his good wishes come with me...I'll need them.

The weekend that follows, Mom and Dad are coming up to fix the car, and so They can meet Nathan's parents. Which should be interesting.

The weekend following is my exam prep weekend. Funs.

The weekend following is Amanda's wedding, and also Easter Weekend.

The weekend following is a weekend.

The weekend following that, I should be heading home. But now I'm getting ahead of myself...

Yes, this weekend I'm heading home for some mom and dog time. Also, to clear my head enough to start/finish everything I need to do. It shouldn't be too difficult... I hope.