May 7, 2006

Learn to be still

Sorry for the length between posts. I'm back at home and back on dial-up, so posts may be few and far between.

I met with Dr. Meek. He seems nice enough, and he gave me an exercise to work with. He said that my modles for dealing with certian emotions are out of whack, and that I need to create new ones. It made sense when he explained it to me, and I've been trying to so the exercises, but part of it involves immersing yourself in an emotion, identifying it, re-emmersing and trying to decide if that's the real emotion, or if there's something else behind it. And that's all well and good, and it worked when I was with him. But here, now, I'm worried that if I immerse myelf in some of the things I feel, I won't be able to pull myself back out.

I thought I was starting to feel better. I thought I'd found somehting that I could work with. Now I'm not so sure. It seems like every time I take a step forward, something sets me three steps back.

Right now, I'm trying to keep myself awake for a few more hours. I start on midnights tomorrow at 11pm, so I'll need to be able to stay up until at least 4-5am tonight to be able to make it to 7am Monday morning. Mom, dad and the dog are at the cottage, and I've officially dubbed Ash and Josh the "Thumper and Bumper" of the south. It's not bad enough that the day after I left from thanksgiving holidays, she'd taken my brand new bed apart, moved it into her room and given me her old day bed with the shoddy mattress, but now I have to listen to them break it in. Yuck.

I still feel trapped in my own skin. The weight won't come off because I can't stop myself from eating (which Dr. Meek brought up like he was expecting me to say it), I'm spending more money than I have (gift certificates for my birthday), and... everything's still moving way too fast, with everyone here looking to me for answers I don't have. I'm seriously thinking about running away to the cottage for a weekend by myself. Mom and I went for a couple of days last week, but it wasnt enough. Of course, I can't go by myself, because mom and I discovered that there's a bee's nest somewhere on the roof, and bees are crawling in through the skylight, and I'm petrified of bees. I just want to be somewhere where there is no one but me.

Strangely, I don't think I'm ever going to be able to do that.
I may just suffocate.


Anonymous said...

when i was living with dad and i needed to be just by my self i would go for a walk in the bush or wake up befor everybody make a tea or coffie and sit on the deck for a wile and just listen to the quiet. so try just taking off for a wile, go for a long walk . or dissapear in to nan and grandads back garden god know its big enuf to lose a small army.

Nathan said...

that was not anonamus it was me nathan but you probly knew that. also as far as getting som alown time up hear i know it's not the same because you live with mike and josh but it's is the best i can do. i realize that this past year you hav had no alown time and i know a big part of that has to do with me so i hav decided that when you come back i wont be at your place as often. like i said i can be pritty dence and it has finaly sunk in how important your alown time is. i dident rely get it befor but now i do. and becide weve come to the point in the realationship were i dont need to be with you 24/7. dad helped me understand that even he would like to spen every moment with janet but he knows how important her alown time is.
our reasent events hav brot that sharply into focus. so that it stuff is changeing for the better hunny so know that my hart is with you and i hope thing get better.

Thumper said...

Sorry about all the noise! I'll remember to pick up some extra batteries for your MP3 player next time I'm out!

Sparky said...

Nathan: I love you. Thank you for understanding. :)

Ash: You're awsome. :P