You know what? I realized something tonight. Something big and really important.
No one runs after me when I'm upset.
The sad, sad thing is, I actually WAIT for people to come after me, but no one ever does.
I don't know if everyone thinks I'll just be ok, or if people think I'm just having another "episode", or if I'm just some big dumb drama queen... I really don't know. I really don't care. I get upset, and people just wait for it to pass. Other people get upset, and I run after them.
I'm at the point, sitting here tonight, where I'm actually willing to say "fuck you all". And mean it. Know why? because people have gotten a little too cold for me. People are really willing to just let it be. I never wanted to be that way, but now it's too taxing not to be.
The other night, I was on ZetaChannel, and the question of "what do you want, and what would you sacrifice to get it?" came up. There was a moment where I thought this, and it made me so miserable, I can't even find words to express it: "I would give up pickles for the rest of my life if someone would tell me I was pretty." Tonight, I realized I'd give up on everyone to not be the peacekeeper anymore. I'd give the ability to walk if someone would come after me when I'm sick or sad or upset. How pathetic am I?
I just... I can't even find words right now. all I can think is things like bone crush grind smash... even kill is too tame. there's not enough depth to it. there's not that satisfying... kah;gia8w [ohtgfao;wsiejhtfdo[vasrdhtg [oeiahrsyb[voae'is that goes with it.
I want to be violent and rage and tear peoples skin off.
Now I know how she feels.