January 17, 2007

I'm so angry, I feel nothing.

You know what? I realized something tonight. Something big and really important.

No one runs after me when I'm upset.

The sad, sad thing is, I actually WAIT for people to come after me, but no one ever does.

I don't know if everyone thinks I'll just be ok, or if people think I'm just having another "episode", or if I'm just some big dumb drama queen... I really don't know. I really don't care. I get upset, and people just wait for it to pass. Other people get upset, and I run after them.

I'm at the point, sitting here tonight, where I'm actually willing to say "fuck you all". And mean it. Know why? because people have gotten a little too cold for me. People are really willing to just let it be. I never wanted to be that way, but now it's too taxing not to be.

The other night, I was on ZetaChannel, and the question of "what do you want, and what would you sacrifice to get it?" came up. There was a moment where I thought this, and it made me so miserable, I can't even find words to express it: "I would give up pickles for the rest of my life if someone would tell me I was pretty." Tonight, I realized I'd give up on everyone to not be the peacekeeper anymore. I'd give the ability to walk if someone would come after me when I'm sick or sad or upset. How pathetic am I?

I just... I can't even find words right now. all I can think is things like bone crush grind smash... even kill is too tame. there's not enough depth to it. there's not that satisfying... kah;gia8w [ohtgfao;wsiejhtfdo[vasrdhtg [oeiahrsyb[voae'is that goes with it.

I want to be violent and rage and tear peoples skin off.

Now I know how she feels.

10 comments:

Ginny said...

We're adults. No one runs after adults. Adults are meant to deal with their own issues, their own problems. You're angry because someone didn't run after you? Did these people know you were upset, or did you brush it off as "I'm fine"?

The thing about becoming an adult is, you expect to be still sought after and taken care of as you were when you were younger. When your parents were still around 24/7. Now that the access to parents is no longer valid, we expect friends to fill these places for us... we think that friends SHOULD fill these spots. The problem? They're in the same position, thinking someone should come after them.

So, before you kill all of us for not running after you for something MOST of us probably had no clue about, I ask you: when did you last run after someone else?

This sounded harsh, and you know I wouldn't mean it like that. But these are my two cents.

Sparky said...

When was the last time I ran after someone else? Tonight.

I know you don't mean it to be so harsh, but FUCK THAT. Being adult does NOT, in any way, mean that you don't want friends there to comfort you. Being an adult doesn't mean that you have to suck it up.

Being an adult means recognising when a friend is venting and feeling alone in the world, swallowing your beliefs and saying "dude, I get it. But sleep on it, and things may look better in the morning."

Some people, I guess, just don't get that.

Tabetha said...

You have the right to your feelings, and you have the right to be comforted by other people. In your post you said, "I don't know if everyone thinks I'll just be ok, or if people think I'm just having another "episode", or if I'm just some big dumb drama queen... I really don't know."

Now - a question that comes up is, do you have these 'episodes' often enough that people believe these things? Have you mentioned to people that if you get upset, that you hate being alone and need someone to talk to? But - by running away, people assume that you don't want to be talked to, because you are running away. Perhaps a course of action on your part could be to stay and say that you are upset and that you'd like to talk it out.

As a teacher, we can't just go chasing after kids when they bolt out of the classroom, but we monitor their behaviour and take note of it. The student has to come to us and say that they are upset and wish to talk it out. Their friends are not allowed to leave after them either. We've been trained that way. If you truly want your friends to chase after you, you have to tell them. They aren't mind readers. If anything, you get yourself more upset at the fact that no one is coming after you than you do about the initial upsetting - which means that the initial upsetting wasn't as bad as it was made out to be in the first place.

I know you'll probably either ignore this, or go tell me to fuck off, but this is coming from a person that wanted to be chased after, and no one did it for me. I finally realized that I have to stop running because it made me more upset that no one was coming after me, then I blamed everyone but myself for not knowing to.

There are two ways to go about it - tell someone that if you get upset and bolt that you are in need of someone to talk to, or stop running and express that you are upset and need a few minutes to talk to someone.

Running never gets you anything unless you're in a marathon.

Ginny said...

I never said:

"Being adult does NOT, in any way, mean that you don't want friends there to comfort you. Being an adult doesn't mean that you have to suck it up."

I said we want them to. The problem is, like Tabs said, they aren't all mindreaders. And no, you don't have to suck it up, you can tell people what's wrong. What I said was that people WANT their friends to chase after them when that can be unreasonable at this stage in life, because they are focused on themselves.

And I did message you asking what was wrong, seeing if you wanted to talk... and got no reply even though it said you were online. I guess it was your computer or something, I dunno. I just don't think it's fair to say "fuck you all" when most of us haven't done a thing because we were:

a) unaware of the problem and
b) have only tried to help you out in the past. We ask if everything was okay and would want to talk to you about it, and usually you did talk about it. Which is good.

Beatrix said...

If you want help, or company, or a shoulder, or whatever it might be, ask. I swear to you, it's that easy. We love you and we'll help you in whatever way we can. But it's up to you to ask. You know how to get a hold of me if you need me. <3

Anonymous said...

As someone that is probably much younger then all of you, I hope your personal situations is NOT what I have to look forward to in my future "adulthood". If you feel that as an adult your on your own, you should each seriously reassess your definition of "friend" and/or "family". Truthfully, I feel sorry for you all. Lacey expressed one of the trustest feelings of humanity, loneliness, and you all told her, as an adult its to be expected. Maybe I'm just lucky that I have a circle of friends and family that I know would do whatever possible to provide that shoulder to lean on, or maybe I am too young to know what comes next. Hopefully it's NOTHING like the lives you lead.
IM here for you Lace!

Ginny said...

Anonymous;

You assume that we aren't here for Lacey. You assume that we are the ones that did not run after her. The truth is we all are usually here for Sparky. I always ask her what is wrong if I notice that she's upset or angry, I always listen to her and I'm more than happy to do it. She's my friend. She's my hetero lifemate.

I just found it a bit offensive when she said "fuck you all". It was like feeling that all the times I have been there for her weren't enough. She posted this blog before a lot of us knew that anything was wrong. We're not saying that in adulthood you're on your own. We're saying that in adulthood you can't expect people to chase after you when they don't even know that something is wrong in the first place.

And no matter what some friends did one night, the entirity of your friends shouldn't be lumped in with that, especially the ones that have been by your side and have had your back for years.

Anonymous said...

The problem with being angry or upset is that it clouds your ability to think objectively. Unfortunately, life is a cruel, harsh reality, and we are expected to be independent. However, this does not mean that we have to be independent all the time.

We all feel the need for somebody to run after us, somebody to make us feel wanted, and make us feel attractive. But don't forget, every action has an equal and opposite reaction, and sometimes the reason people stop saying you're attractive, or stop running after you, is because people have stopped doing it for them.

I don't know how many times people have offered to help you, or how many times they've asked you "what's wrong" and you've said "Nothing" or "I'm fine". I also don't know how often some people have gone out of their way to try and make you feel attractive, or wanted, only to have you brush them off.

Ginny's harsh comments stem from the fact that you are generalizing everyone, and willing to "give up" on all of your friends because you feel they don't do enough for you. Well, take a close look at the reality of it, Lacey, because those same friends you're willing to throw aside were there for you numerous times throughout the years. Ginny realizes this, and that's what prompted her harsh message.

Don't expect sympathy from people who have spent time looking after you, helping you, and trying their best to make you feel wanted and attractive, if all you're going to do is tell us all off because we're no longer willing to run after you at the first drop of a hat.

When you make your bed, you have to sleep in it.

Anonymous said...

Hey Lacey I totally understand where you are coming from, but I would like to think that I would run after you. But I don't think that I have ever seen you do that, I always find you cool and collective. But remember you can always just ask one of us to go for a walk and have a talk, most of us will.

We love ya Lacey and don't want you to be mad at us.
:)

Karl Lundgren said...

Usually I don't take the time to write blog postings, but in this case I will make an exception.

First off, everyone out there reading this, I want you to ask yourself something. If you were going through a spell in your life where you were upset, or lost, or feeling alone, would you be upset if your parents, brother(s), or sister(s)didn't notice and didn't seem to care. I am going to assume that the vast majority of you said "yes" to this question, and if you didn't say "yes" than you're either full of shit or have a terrible family life in which case my next point is that much more relevant.

Growing up I didn't have an open relationship with my parents and my brother. The place where I grew up in was extremely rough at times. In an environment like the one I grew up in the ralationships you build with your friends become like blood. Like family! These relationships become so powerful that you are whilling, at the drop of a hat, to get the shit kicked out of you along side them just so that they don't have to deal with it alone. I had many times growing up where I had knives pulled on me, got spraid with mase or pepper spray, sat with friends in the hospital after hearing that they got stabbed or otherwise, all just to be there for them when they needed me. I have scars, both physical and emotional, as a result. But through these scars I have gained friends, some of which I haven't even spoken to in over 3 years, that wouldn't hesitate for a second to do the same for me at a moments notice. Now that is friendship! The point I am trying to make is, sacrifices must be made in order to go to back for your friends. If some of you can't get beyond your own personal beliefs or personal inconveniences in order to be at a friends side when they need your help or someone to talk to than none of you are worth having as a friend. Because I've seen the type of person that Lacey is, and from what I've seen she has that passion to help her friends. I've seen her be the shoulder to cry on for plenty of people in her group of friends. I've seen her wait with people at the hospital for hours to make sure they get in okay. I don't think she is asking too much to have people care when she is down and out. Lacey, I may not be as close to you as some or the people you hang out with but I want you to know that I will always be there for you. If you ever need someone to back you up or be the shoulder to cry on I'm here for you.

As your friend I apologize for not noticing that you were upset recently. I promise to try harder in the future to notice when you are down and try my best to bring you back up when I can.