I'm so not a day person...

It's 8.30pm. I have to be in class in 12 hours. But I'm totally wired for sound, and the boys are entertaining guests tonight, so I'm trying to figure out ways to burn off excess energy. And this massive headache. Seriously, it feels like someone took the Vegas Nightlife and stuffed it into my noggin. So, what do I do, but put all of the loudest, angriest guitar-driven rock I can find onto my MP3 player and crank it.

It seems that I'm a walking contradiction tonight. Boo-urns.

Something's a-brewin. Storm, I think; nothing else makes me this nuts. I hope that's it... I don't want to have to deal with this in computers tommorw morning.

God, I wish my walls were soundproof. I could at least sing along, if not break out my gee-tar without embarassing myself. God, I want to sing Jeremy right now... Something about it's just so cathartic. I want to learn to play it, but I think it's above my level. I have part of Black Horse and the Cherry Tree down, but I can't remember one of the chords.

I might actually start one of my assignments, just for fun. Actually, you, my wonderful readers, might be able to help me with some of them. See, I'm looking for 2 things: the first is for my Fundraising course... I'm looking for "needy causes" within North Bay. Doesn't have to be a charity, and it has to be something we can do in one term... A lot of people were thinking about Christmas stuff.

The second thing is for Group: Random Acts of Kindness. Yes, it's come down to planning and tracking random acts. I already hold doors for people, give directions, all that jazz... I'm looking for something a bit more creative. What are some random acts that people have done for you that have really made your day? I remember people in St. Marys talking about how nice it is when the person infront of you at Tims pays for your coffee, but I'm not in the drive-thru ever. And, no, I'm not to the point of letting people cut infront of me in a line. That's just...beyond me at this point. I don't know... What's something that's stuck with you?

Ugh... I don't know. My headache's getting worse. Maybe I'll just call it a night...

After one last check of ZetaChannel...

Storage

It's amazing; the things I've been finding the last few days... From fanfics I wrote when I was 14, to tests and assignments from first year. I'm not quite sure why I have them, but I can't bring myself to throw them out.

Sarah asked me to dig up an old assignment from Prose Fiction. Of course, I find everything but that, and I have to ask myself, why do I keep lugging all of this paper with me from place to place? What purpose could it serve? I mean, I could just keep a record of my grades and toss the tests... but why keep the grades? I don't really need them once the course is complete. So... Maybe I should just copy out the test questions with the correct answers (or as close as I can get), and keep the papers...

Maybe I keep them to remind myself that "I did something". I created something that, though it has no meaning now, may have had some meaning then. Maybe to give myself something bigger than just a piece of paper with "Graduate" written on it to commemorate these past 4 years. Maybe I just can't let go.

Some of the stuff is good. Even the fanfic wasn't half bad, for what it was... people liked it! And the papers... some of them are obviously total garbage, expecially now that I have time to look back on them... now that I know more. And maybe...

Maybe that's it. I keep this stuff to remind myself of how far I've come. To remind myself that I was once a first-year without a clue. I still don't have a clue, but at least now, I can look back and say: "Wow... I got that wrong?"

Ok, so it's not the most positive, but it's something. If nothing else, I should be typing up all the old tests and answers and selling them as crib-sheets... at least then I'd get somehting substantial in return.

Bits and Squiggles

So, not too much is going on right now.

I finally got the Philosophy paper in, thanks to Mike's philosophy of "just get something on paper", and our talk about "does it always have to be an "A" paper?" Knowing that just throwing something down isn't going to disappoint anyone helps.

I'm still not feeling that great. Although, right now, I seem to be getting better... the disease appears to be working its way out of my system. I hope.

Tonight, the rollercoaster will be starting again. Tonight, I'm supposed to drop down my meds again. But, you know what? I think I'm going to wait. I think... at least until I get the Kid Lit paper on the go. Dropping back now would probably only make things more difficult than they really need to be. Especially while I'm sick.

Thoughts are kind of watery right now. Nothing substantial is really coming to me... beyond the piece from "the Simpsons" that keeps coming into my head...

Bart: Uh, say, are you guys crooks?
Fat Tony: Bart, um, is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving family?
Bart: No.
Fat Tony: Well, suppose you got a large starving family. Is it wrong to steal a truckload of bread to feed them?
Bart: Uh uh.
Fat Tony: And, what if your family don't like bread? They like... cigarettes?
Bart: I guess that's okay.
Fat Tony: Now, what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price that was practically giving them away. Would that be a crime, Bart?
Bart: Hell, no!

Yeah, I don't know either...

More later, if things go well...

Disorientation

Sexual orientation - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

So, this would be the question. How do you define yourself? Male? Female? Heterosexual? Bisexual? Homosexual? Transexual? Autosexual? Asexual? Pansexual? Do you Identify yourself at all within these categories? How do you define what you are defining? Does what you mean line up with the general consensus? And what if you don't fit? What are you then? Does it even matter?


What a mess.

And everything's either compleatly right/left winged and biased, or provides no References I can use. And, I could use them, if I could check them out of out library. Of course, if our library was bigger than the average highschool gymnasium...So, I don't know what is even reliable. Blarg.

That, and I can barely suss out a true thesis statement in all of this. Everytime I get something close, it vanishes, or it's not a real statement. And then throw in the fact that half of the terms I'm not working to define are theoretical statements which should be defined in order to be clear of what I'm talking about. For example: Identity. What is that? And don't say "Identity is how a person identifies themself", becuase it don't work. Then there's "self". Don't even get me STARTED on self.

Maybe it just seems big because Sal's been pushing us so hard on breaking down assumed categories that everything seems to require some sort of "truth". Which, itself, doesn't exist... Truth is a theory too.

Theory is a theory!

GAH!

So, I can't decide if I've made any progress or not. I can't even decide if I'm on the right track or not... Or if this is what she wants. And, I tell ya, carrying around all the books I logged out of the library is making me nuts. And sore.

Tomorrow, I'll be living in the Library, just to get the research/quote bit out of the way so I can create 8-10 pages over the weekend. That, and the play review, which I should be able to do Friday directly after the show if I play my cards right.

I guess I just feel a little... foggy. Or something. I'm not burning out (which, in itself, is making me nervous), I'm just a little... something. Words are doing a swirly thing in my head, and getting thoughts down is like nailing jello to a wall: bits of it stay, but the rest just slides away and leaves you with a mess.

So, I'm going to take a bit of a break and write some Stone Cold Blues over on DeviantArt. Then I'll read some more, and see what happens.

Word.

Smarty Pants...

Education Centre Library - Home

THIS is where I spent the majority of my day. Usually, at this time, I'd be whining about how much I didn't get done, but today, my friends? SUCCESS!

I have a stack of books that makes me look like Hermione in training. I have topics picked, and, though nothing really got written down, I have direction. BTW: please refer to the post below, because I KNOW that the Blood Relations thesis statement needs work.

After watching the first batch of presentations in Learning today, I've also learned a few things about presentations that I'l like to list here. Next time you're up for a speach or presentation, keep these things in mind:

1) SLOW THE F*%^@K DOWN!!! Holy Jeeze! I couldn't keep up, mentally or pen-to-paper wise. It was INSANE! So, speak in a Slow, LOUD, clear voice, and remember that not everyone can write or type 600 wds/sec.

2)Big Words sound cool, but if you don't explain them, you're going to lose people fast. This is especially important in Psych, when you're explaining a complicated biological system or function. Either spell-out what it is, or give the name, followed by the basic function.

3)Lists. They're great. They make things easier to remember and to study, and with things like personality, you can't turn a page without tripping over 4 of 'em. So, when using a list in a powerpoint Presentation, Have the WHOLE list on the screen while you're talking, not just the first point. And don't worry about examples: that's why you talk. For example:

Big 5 Personality Traits
-Introversion/Extroversion
-Openmindedness
-Agreeability
-Neuroticism
-Concientiousness.

There. That's ALL you should have on the screen. Give examples while they're writing, because examples are easier to remember/make up than the list itself.

4)Keep it simple, stupid. Like, really, if you over-complicate it to impress your prof, you're just going to lose everyone else, which will kill your grade. Give the bare basics, so that way, you can expand if you have exra time.

5)For the love of god, and all that is holy: DO NOT STAND BEHIND THE PODIUM AND STARE AT THE PAPER THE WHOLE TIME!!! Snore. I know that you're nervous, but if you stand infront of everyone, back straight, and use your hands, you'll engage the crowd.

Lastly, 6) Be prepared for that twerp in the front row who asks everyone the lamest questions for the sake of participation marks. ...Yeah, I'M that twerp. And if I didn't get something, I'm gonna ask, and that could either help or harm you, depending on how you play it.

So, for the next hour, I'm going to whip up the historical introduction to Operant Behaviour for my presentation, and then start scanning through this massive amount of books for things I can actually use. And now that I have a photocopier at home, I can copy them tonight, and take the books back tomorrow for another stack.

Love it.

Questions:

So, I'm in the Library, and I'm working on my essays, and I'm thinking, hey, I'm sure other people will want to comment on these! So, here are the questions that I'm working on. Give me thoughts! I won't use them in my paper, because that would be Plagerism, but I might use them as inspiration this weekend when I'm sick of it all and don't want to play anymore...

Philosophy of Sex and Love
Are the categories we use to define human sexuality (i.e. sexual difference and sexual orientation) primarily used to support hetero-normativity, and therefore are primarily ideological and political categories rather than descriptions of something essential about human identity?

Children's Literature
C.S. Lewis presents a positive "Christian" vision in The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, while Phillip Pullman presents a "Christianity" that has only wreaked havock in the His Dark Materials Trilogy. Discuss.

Drama (I can't remember the wording of the actual question, but this is basically my thesis statement)
Themes of familial violence are present in both Medea and Blood Relations, wherein the female "heroine" of both plays murder members of her own family. The violent acts protrayed in both plays are the result of societal pressure to live up to the standards and ideals of what a woman should be, as set forth by patriarchy. The murders of Medea's children and Lizzie Bordon's father and step-mother are symbolic of a need to re-evaluate the roles of women.

Something like that. The Drama one is just rough, and I'd apreciate any suggestions on how to make it better. The other two are laid out by the profs, and pretty much set in stone.

Ready? Set? DISCUSS!!

My mom's awsome.

I just got off the phone with my Mom. She's awsome. We spent an hour talking about books in the reading que and movies we want to see. She just finished reading the newest Nora Robert's triolgy, and A Child Called "IT", and is now into the Nora Roberts Christmas book I gave her for christmas. I love that my mom reads this much...I'm not sure why. And she's so open-minded about what she reads... I don't know... it's just cool.

She has this attitude of "Just press on, and everything will get sorted out". I know it comes from experiance, but I always find it really refreshing that she can listen to what I'm saying, and say "oh, well, these things happen", but still be sympathetic about it.

Yeah. Mom rocks.

Anyways, that's all I really have to say for tonight. I think, just for giggles, that I'll go up to the school early tomorrow (like, 10am instead of 3pm) and work on some of these assignments. Jo and I got to talking today, (she's in both of my psych classes), and we've realized that studying is going to be a hard-core thing this term... Especially for Psych of Ed. I get the material, but his tests and I don't agree. And since there's no exam in that class, I have to kick ass on the last test to really pull up my grade in the class. So I want to be able to have time for that, especially since that test is the day before my Exam in PSL, which covered a lot of content. Though I understand all of it (for the most part), there's still a lot to go over, especially in regards to heteronormativity.

I need to pick and widdle down my topic for my PSL essay, as well as come up with some sources, since it is a research paper, so I think that will be tomorrow's quest. Thursday might wind up being a day I spend just at the school doing research and writing that essay and my drama essay... at least part of it. And I need an article for my learning presentation. I'm hoping that if I come up with ideas for the intro and conclusion, as well as the historical blurb (for which I'm using one of my own psych books) and a modern article (which is the basis of the assignment), that the other person in the group can throw it all into power point and do his share, and we can really kick ass on this project. I mean, I got a 72% on the midterm, but only because of that wonky 7 bonus mark fiasco... I should have gotten a 55% (which was the class average). I just want something that will keep me afloat should the Exam not go well.

So, I know it's crunch time, but I don't think that this time it's hitting me as hard. I kinda have a plan, and I know what I need to do. Tonight, I'm working on some "external" projects, so I have nothing extra-curricular on the back burner. And getting a good night's sleep.

That's the plan, at least...

Be Advised:

"Due to financial issues, the light at the end of the tunnel will be shut down until further notice."

I love that quote.

Actually, that little light is getting bigger and bigger. I'm almost done the essay (I had a minor issue last night, and needed to bow out of finishing it last night for my sanity's sake), and I have HUGE ideas for the director's notebook. And, it appears as though I will have the entire weekend to get completely caught up, or at least mostly, which is a good thing. It's an up-hill battle, but at least I'm going somewhere.

Mike and I had a conversation the other night which did 2 things: make me uncomfortable, and renew my sense of purpose. Mike has makes a hobby of asking hard questions which, while they really make you think, can put you on the spot. Sometimes I don't mind that, but having just returned from a rather intensive lecture, I was a bit tapped out. Still, he helped me realize that these things I have to do are just that: things I have to do. They're not something I have to throw my entire intellect into, just jobs that need to get done so I can move on to the next one. That makes things a lot easier. Angela put it as "it's just one essay, in one class, in one term, in one year, in one degree in your career, which isn't that big a part of your entire life", but that can be reversed back into my fear: in order to get to the career, I have to pass the class, by writing the paper. But now I see that it's just a thing that I have to do. That's all. Not that big a deal, just a lot of meaningless work, because not everything can have meaning.

Other than that... work sucks. I got a shift this week because someone called in sick, but other than that, I still have nothing. And I'm down to $40 spending cash, which has to go towards the bus fare to Yorkdale on the 14th so I can go home. The paycheque I will get next week will go to my Kitchen Party (I'll be making up veggie plates, cheese and cracker plates, dips and probably brownies-from-a-mix and the like, plus there will be gifts for all who attend, and little things for those who can't). If you want to come and haven't emailed me yet, or gotten the email, just leave a message here. Bring whatever you like (the bar will not be open, so contributions of booze will be muchly appreciated), and bring pepole too! I'm hoping to start things aroun 3.30, but you're allowed to show up and leave whenever you like. I know some people won't be making it until after 8pm, but that's ok. I'll have festive movies to last all night, and the food will be replenished continuously!

Right, well, my break is up. I'll update when I have the paper done.

Onward!

Avoidance

I have a problem. Well, many, but this one's making me crazy.

I have an issue with procrastination. I have 2 papers due tomorrow, neither of which I have started. They're both short, and relativly simple, but still... Don't want to do them.

One of them is the movie review. Basically, I have to take the film we watched, and relate it to the topics we covered in class... Agapic love, etc.

The second is the paper for this term. All of the material for the paper was covered at length in class.

So why don't I want to do these things? Why does the thought of starting, let alone writing a paper make me nauseous? GAH!

Well, I mean, the 2 page summary is only worth 10% (when combined with 3 other inclass assignments that we haven't done yet), and the essay is only worth 15%... I don't know... I should be able to throw myself into it...

Ok. I'm starting now. We'll see what happens.

Teh Suck

Today was just not a good day for me, or those around me.

The store was insanely busy. Like, CRAZY busy. And we only have one till, so Julie and I were tripping over ourselves trying to get everything rung in. Then there was a rush while Julie was gone to National Grociers, I screwed up which till went into Mrs Lips (the one that I usually use was in the spot where the dead till goes, and the dead till was in the spot where the Mrs. Lips till should have been...) so Julie's head nearly exploded. Shortly after that, April (who was in the resteraunt) needed me to help with a mad rush, and at the end of that, Nathan came in with bad news about the Uncle he lives with...

So, I got home at 2.30, intending to take a nap, finish my essay, go to class & hand that in, then go to rehersal, but I was just too tired. When the alarm went off at 3, I didn't even hear it... I got up at 4.30, and then decided it wasn't worth it, and that I'd take the late penalty. Now, I'm off to rehersal, and then... I don't really know. We'll see.

*sigh*

Time Trials

Ok, so I'm going to test myself today.

I have 3 hours (well, I WILL in about 10 minutes...) between my classes. I want to see how much I can actually accomplish in that 3 hours, word count wise. No, this is not for Nano, it's for my Journals. If I have better than half of my Journals done, I can go to class tonight and not feel guilty about it.

So, I have exactly 10 minutes to grab snackfoods... then...

GO!

Progress Report #1:
ok, it's currently 4.14pm. So, in about an hour and 10 minutes, I've completed one 2+ page entry. (double spaced, of course...) That brings my word count to: 774. Not too bad, concidering there were a few false starts.

There isn't actually a word count needed for this thing, just 3 entries, about 2 pages each, total of about 6 pages.

And I'm 1/3 done!

So, I think I'm going to knit for a half hour, clear my head, then start up on Trial #2!

Academic Prostitution

The title refers to something Larkin said today... How in order to take a University English course, you have to be willing to sell your Morals...

Or your sanity. Whichever.

So, there was snow this morning. And I admit, I was a little excited about it... Not because there was snow... I mean, this is November, in Northern Ontario. There's gonna be snow. What got me was that about 3 inches fell overnight. We went from a reasonably cool night to a blanket of the white fluffy stuff in under 8 hours, by my calculations. THAT's what got me. What's got me now, is the fact that that snow is gone, and it's now pouring down rain. Hey, weather? Make up your mind, k?

I've started into the whole lecture/assignment trade off thing. I do it every year, it just seems more dissappointing this time around. I found myself saying: you know, if I skip Drama tomorrow, even though we're studying Hamlet, and I *heart* Hamlet, I could probably buy myself about 3 mor hours to work on this, this and this. I know everyone does it... And, to be honest, I haven't actually "skipped" Drama yet (the classes I've missed were because I was legitimatly sick), but... I don't know. I know that prioritizing time is ok... It's just the idea of there not being enough hours in the day that I'm struggling with. That, and the fact that I get so wound up about things that I can't sit still anymore...

Assignments wouldn't be so bad, if they weren't assigned by profs and manditory...

I don't know what it is. I just HATE doing assignments. They seem to suck the life out of me. Even though I know they shouldn't... It's a very first-year thing to put everything off to the last second because you hate it. I mean, you would think I'd have learned by now...

In any case, I feel like re-warmed death right now... Emotionally drained, mostly. Conversations that I've had recently are taking their tole. I mean, I *did* get the whole application thing done today, and that needed to be done, yes. And, realistically, I couldn't have put it off. But still...

So, because I missed my work-day today, I'm going to make tomorrow a work day. Somehow. I will get the Kid-Lit Journals done, I have no choice. I would LOVE to get a start on my Notebook, but that will have to wait until my Philosophy papers (yeah, there's 2 of them now...) are done. And that will have to be done this weekend. Next week is going to have to be a ME ALONE week, or I'm not going to get everything done. Certain things, I may wind up taking the late penalty on, but you know, I haven't really ever done that before, so maybe I can afford it this once.

For now, I'm knitting. I'm pretty much surrounded in that Black Cloud thing that Mike keeps telling me about, so I have a lot of agression to work out. And I'm tired, and Knitting is pretty effective at putting me to sleep.

I think, just for the hell of it, I'm going to take my laptop to Kid Lit again. I got a whack of wordcount done for Nano last time (oh, and btw, I'm all-but calling Nano a lost cause again...), so maybe I can get some of the Phil film assignment done then. Multitasking always seems to work, and that class is relativly useless.

That's it for now.