My Sunday Secret.

No, it's not on the post secret main page... I actually haven't sent it in. It just came up today, and I think it's time I got it off my chest.

The New Shrink (Dr. King) has started me back working on the Mind over Mood worksheets. He encouraged me to go out and buy the book, but I"m poor, so I'm working on strictly the worksheets for now. I did them a while back... I think in second or third year. Anyways, Today I filled out the first one since he gave them to me on Tuesday... And I came to a realization.

I've been trying to get the petty, non-sensicle bullshit off my chest for a while now. Like finally telling Devin why he offended me and made me want to kill him, and walking away from the NUSU debacle because it was more than I could handle. This one is bigger than I thought, but it's still time to let it go.

I can't do laundry/dishes/cleaning/make food when there's a guest (not mine) in the house. Actually, sometimes it's bad enough just cleaning up when the guys are home. I couldn't figure out exactly why that is... it's not like I"m a very private person. So, I finally bit the bullet today and did the dishes while someone I didn't know was downstairs watching Sex and the City. I felt rude, I felt anxious, frustrated and a little... I wrote degraded, but I don't think that's the right word... I felt like a bad dog. I felt embarrassed. Then I had to write down Evidence supporting the way I thought, and the first thing that came to mind was "You just don't do that. It's rude, and it's disgusting. Strangers shouldn't have to see a person clean their own house."

...I know. It's sounds bizarre. But that's what was running through my head. With the guys, I guess I just don't want them to see... it really does sound stupid.... I don't want them to see how dirty I really am. Like having to do laundry or wash dishes makes you a bad person. I don't understand how people can take their clothes to laundrymats... But I guess I'm going to have to get used to it...

I can't remember ever having a time where cleaning/preparing food infront of someone ever really embarrassed me... I remember really, truly hating doing dishes since I was little... it was like punishment after dinner. One time, I remember not being able to figure out why the sink wouldn't fill, because I used to put the plug in, then the dishes, then fill the sink with water so it wouldn't overfill. I thought the seal on the plug had gone, so I asked dad, and he figured out that the plug wasn't in... I remember him yelling... I don't know if it actually happened that way or not.

Anyways, I just feel like I shouldn't be out there... Like I should just stay out of the way. Like stuffing clothes under your bed because you don't want people to know that you haven't done laundry in a few days... It's a facade. It's really freaking me out a bit...

I don't want people to see me as bad or forgetful. I want people to see the "put-together hippie-chick" who has all her ducks in a row. I want people to see the finish, not the behind-the-scenes, after hours stuff. I'm terrified of sleeping next to someone again because of the things I do/say in my sleep. I'm afraid of getting another job, because I'm afraid I'll screw it up, and lie about it to look better. I don't have people over because I don't want people to see how I live. I don't like to let anyone in my room... ever, really. Because that's where I'm worst. That's my space where I don't have to keep it all together... And when people come here, they want to see put-togetherness.

I don't really feel better... I just think I needed to get it out there. I feel kinda wierd, actually, like there's a pressure in my chest. I don't know what to say next.

Well, I only have one pair of jeans left that fit at the moment, so I have to go wash them, and my pajama pants so I have something to wear in the morning. I still don't want to go down there. I still don't like passing Mike's room with my broken/well loved little laundry basket full of dirty clothing. Why can't people just close their doors???

I don't know what to say next.

Last Bit...

This is it, folks, the final leg of my University career.

Tomorrow is my last final exam ever at Nipissing University. No, I still don't believe it's actually happening. I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that I'm done another year, let alone that it's my last. I guess that's just part of the whole "moving forward" thing.

I was at Shannon and Miotchie's again last night with Nathan. We drank beer and played SceneIt!, then this morning, I had my first ever tuna sandwich while watching Advent Children for the 3rd time (though, that would have been the first time without subtitles, and with an English Dubb). Jessica Simpson may be an idiot, but she's right... It really is the chicken of the sea. It seriously just tastes like chicken. Which makes me wonder... What *does* chicken taste like?

Anyways... Tonight, the plan is to take one last crack at being productive. I have much studying to do, and not much time to do it in. Also, I have to start packing, and start getting ready to move the big things, like my bed, desk and dresser, into the basement. That'll be fun...

And I think I've gotten a bit more into the throw-away mindset. I mean, sure I keep lots of things that I could potentially use again, but at the same time, I really *don't* use it. I mean, keeping old tests and papers has come in handy, but not so much old notes. I'll never, ever throw away or sell my textbooks, but I don't need every last scrap of paper from my university career. Heck, I even have notes from public and high school squirreled away at home: what do I need them for? And I have a lot of clothes. Like, a lot - a lot. Some of it I wear, but some of it I'm keeping incase I ever get to wear it again. Some of it I'm keeping for when I lose the weight; which is fine. But Why have them out, sprawled over my floor?

Also, I'm going to try and take a bunch of stuff off of my computer tonight. I'm running out of hard-drive space, and I still have much to download. Plus, my computer has been running really slow, and I think it's time to get it re-formatted. Still, having 8 episodes of Criminal Minds, 9 of House, 3 of Family Guy, Memoirs of a Geshia, 3 Sailor Moon movies (shut up!) and about 6 days running-time worth of Music on here probably isn't helping things. Not to mention about 10 episodes of Daria and a bunch of stuff from Limewire I haven't even sorted through yet... Oi. I don't even know how to get this stupid burner working yet... Good thing I have a hand-full of blank CD-R's to mangle in the process.

Hopefully when I get back, I'll have 4 seasons of Family Guy, a few gigs worth of Gargoyles and maybe a movie or two waiting for me... but only if Nathan loves me enough... ;)

Let the burninating/study-ness begin!

What now?

I got really angry. Nathan sent me an email tonight that said that if I came over to his house tonight, he'd let me pick all I wanted, because I've been under so much stress lately. I felt like he was using the picking as an incentive to get me to go to his house.
So I got angry. Then I cried. Then I zoned out. Then I cried, then I spent a good 20 minutes trying not to hit anything.
Then I gutted my room. I took all of my books off the shelf, and packed them into a crate. I cleared off my desk shelves, and my wicker shelf, and took the wicker shelf downstairs. I started pitching everything that was garbage, and throwing clothes I don't wear into another bag. I put some of Nathan's stuff in a box where the shelf used to be. I cleared off my dresser, threw out all of the dried roses, and cleared out all of the drawers in my dresser.
Now I'm physically tired, but I feel like I'm going to explode. My arms and my hands and my legs are heavy, my shoulders and hips feel like they're cast iron. I feel dizzy and nauseous again, and my stomach is cramping.
I'm still mad. Should'nt that have been cathartic? So why can't I stop shaking? everything feels like it's going a million miles a minute. I didn't want to post here, because I was afrai of who would read it. I couldn't call Nathan, because he'd get upset. I can't call mom, because I don't know what to tell her, and she's too far away to do anything. I can't talk to Mike, because I think that would just make me even angrier. I don't have anywhere to go, and I think I missed the last Birchaven out to Nathan's. If I was going over there, I would want to spar when he gets home, and at that point, I don't think that would be healthy for either of us.
I couldn't calm down last night either. I had a screwdriver, and then I felt better, but then I couldn't get out of bed in time for lab this morning, so I missed the last Kid Lit lab of the year. My exam was a mess. I'm totally wired, and I don't know what to do. I'm not hungry, but when I made myself eat something earlier, I got impatient with it, and then felt sick after. I want to lie down and go to sleep, but I feel like if I do, I'll just start crying again.
I really don't know what to do here, but I know that this can't go on. I can't focus on anything. it took me a good 5 minutes during the exam to be able to focus enough to read the question, and I had to read it 6 times before it registered. I can't work on my essay, because then I'll be stationary, adn looking through journals, and that will just piss me off even more.
I'm losing my mind. My body is wrong. I'm exhausted.

What the hell do I do now??

Storage

It's amazing; the things I've been finding the last few days... From fanfics I wrote when I was 14, to tests and assignments from first year. I'm not quite sure why I have them, but I can't bring myself to throw them out.

Sarah asked me to dig up an old assignment from Prose Fiction. Of course, I find everything but that, and I have to ask myself, why do I keep lugging all of this paper with me from place to place? What purpose could it serve? I mean, I could just keep a record of my grades and toss the tests... but why keep the grades? I don't really need them once the course is complete. So... Maybe I should just copy out the test questions with the correct answers (or as close as I can get), and keep the papers...

Maybe I keep them to remind myself that "I did something". I created something that, though it has no meaning now, may have had some meaning then. Maybe to give myself something bigger than just a piece of paper with "Graduate" written on it to commemorate these past 4 years. Maybe I just can't let go.

Some of the stuff is good. Even the fanfic wasn't half bad, for what it was... people liked it! And the papers... some of them are obviously total garbage, expecially now that I have time to look back on them... now that I know more. And maybe...

Maybe that's it. I keep this stuff to remind myself of how far I've come. To remind myself that I was once a first-year without a clue. I still don't have a clue, but at least now, I can look back and say: "Wow... I got that wrong?"

Ok, so it's not the most positive, but it's something. If nothing else, I should be typing up all the old tests and answers and selling them as crib-sheets... at least then I'd get somehting substantial in return.