February 4, 2007

My Sunday Secret.

No, it's not on the post secret main page... I actually haven't sent it in. It just came up today, and I think it's time I got it off my chest.

The New Shrink (Dr. King) has started me back working on the Mind over Mood worksheets. He encouraged me to go out and buy the book, but I"m poor, so I'm working on strictly the worksheets for now. I did them a while back... I think in second or third year. Anyways, Today I filled out the first one since he gave them to me on Tuesday... And I came to a realization.

I've been trying to get the petty, non-sensicle bullshit off my chest for a while now. Like finally telling Devin why he offended me and made me want to kill him, and walking away from the NUSU debacle because it was more than I could handle. This one is bigger than I thought, but it's still time to let it go.

I can't do laundry/dishes/cleaning/make food when there's a guest (not mine) in the house. Actually, sometimes it's bad enough just cleaning up when the guys are home. I couldn't figure out exactly why that is... it's not like I"m a very private person. So, I finally bit the bullet today and did the dishes while someone I didn't know was downstairs watching Sex and the City. I felt rude, I felt anxious, frustrated and a little... I wrote degraded, but I don't think that's the right word... I felt like a bad dog. I felt embarrassed. Then I had to write down Evidence supporting the way I thought, and the first thing that came to mind was "You just don't do that. It's rude, and it's disgusting. Strangers shouldn't have to see a person clean their own house."

...I know. It's sounds bizarre. But that's what was running through my head. With the guys, I guess I just don't want them to see... it really does sound stupid.... I don't want them to see how dirty I really am. Like having to do laundry or wash dishes makes you a bad person. I don't understand how people can take their clothes to laundrymats... But I guess I'm going to have to get used to it...

I can't remember ever having a time where cleaning/preparing food infront of someone ever really embarrassed me... I remember really, truly hating doing dishes since I was little... it was like punishment after dinner. One time, I remember not being able to figure out why the sink wouldn't fill, because I used to put the plug in, then the dishes, then fill the sink with water so it wouldn't overfill. I thought the seal on the plug had gone, so I asked dad, and he figured out that the plug wasn't in... I remember him yelling... I don't know if it actually happened that way or not.

Anyways, I just feel like I shouldn't be out there... Like I should just stay out of the way. Like stuffing clothes under your bed because you don't want people to know that you haven't done laundry in a few days... It's a facade. It's really freaking me out a bit...

I don't want people to see me as bad or forgetful. I want people to see the "put-together hippie-chick" who has all her ducks in a row. I want people to see the finish, not the behind-the-scenes, after hours stuff. I'm terrified of sleeping next to someone again because of the things I do/say in my sleep. I'm afraid of getting another job, because I'm afraid I'll screw it up, and lie about it to look better. I don't have people over because I don't want people to see how I live. I don't like to let anyone in my room... ever, really. Because that's where I'm worst. That's my space where I don't have to keep it all together... And when people come here, they want to see put-togetherness.

I don't really feel better... I just think I needed to get it out there. I feel kinda wierd, actually, like there's a pressure in my chest. I don't know what to say next.

Well, I only have one pair of jeans left that fit at the moment, so I have to go wash them, and my pajama pants so I have something to wear in the morning. I still don't want to go down there. I still don't like passing Mike's room with my broken/well loved little laundry basket full of dirty clothing. Why can't people just close their doors???

I don't know what to say next.


Teddy said...

I think you are truly ready to move into your own place.
There should be no embarrasment to doing dishes or laundry that is just part of life.
I think the problem is that you are feeling like a guest in someones home. Things will be different when you have your own place because it is your own house.
Hang in there

Tabetha said...

:) My mom is the same way - she build her house so that she can hide the mess easily and when she has people over, it looks fantasic.

If I was over (as a stranger) and saw that you were doing your dishes, I really wouldn't think much of it. You were going about your life and doing what needed to be done.

You're taking an awesome step in doing something that you wouldn't normally do - HURRAH! *claps*

I do agree though, a place of your own (with it's own laundry) is well over-due.

Anonymous said...

Hey, sorry L. I didn't realize Tara's presence was so dicomfiting (sp?) for you. I'll try to be more aware in the future. But please do try to remember that you LIVE in the house, any guest that comes in should realize that they aren't entering some sterile antiseptic zone. People live here and the presence of a guest shouldn't upset that, I mean, I'm pretty boorish no matter who comes over. And I like your laundry basket. i|It's way better than my 'armful of clothes' method of transporting laundry. And more chic.


Beatrix said...

Fewer socks on the stairs too, which makes them less likely to go missing due to feline intervention. ;)