April 4, 2006

What now?

I got really angry. Nathan sent me an email tonight that said that if I came over to his house tonight, he'd let me pick all I wanted, because I've been under so much stress lately. I felt like he was using the picking as an incentive to get me to go to his house.
So I got angry. Then I cried. Then I zoned out. Then I cried, then I spent a good 20 minutes trying not to hit anything.
Then I gutted my room. I took all of my books off the shelf, and packed them into a crate. I cleared off my desk shelves, and my wicker shelf, and took the wicker shelf downstairs. I started pitching everything that was garbage, and throwing clothes I don't wear into another bag. I put some of Nathan's stuff in a box where the shelf used to be. I cleared off my dresser, threw out all of the dried roses, and cleared out all of the drawers in my dresser.
Now I'm physically tired, but I feel like I'm going to explode. My arms and my hands and my legs are heavy, my shoulders and hips feel like they're cast iron. I feel dizzy and nauseous again, and my stomach is cramping.
I'm still mad. Should'nt that have been cathartic? So why can't I stop shaking? everything feels like it's going a million miles a minute. I didn't want to post here, because I was afrai of who would read it. I couldn't call Nathan, because he'd get upset. I can't call mom, because I don't know what to tell her, and she's too far away to do anything. I can't talk to Mike, because I think that would just make me even angrier. I don't have anywhere to go, and I think I missed the last Birchaven out to Nathan's. If I was going over there, I would want to spar when he gets home, and at that point, I don't think that would be healthy for either of us.
I couldn't calm down last night either. I had a screwdriver, and then I felt better, but then I couldn't get out of bed in time for lab this morning, so I missed the last Kid Lit lab of the year. My exam was a mess. I'm totally wired, and I don't know what to do. I'm not hungry, but when I made myself eat something earlier, I got impatient with it, and then felt sick after. I want to lie down and go to sleep, but I feel like if I do, I'll just start crying again.
I really don't know what to do here, but I know that this can't go on. I can't focus on anything. it took me a good 5 minutes during the exam to be able to focus enough to read the question, and I had to read it 6 times before it registered. I can't work on my essay, because then I'll be stationary, adn looking through journals, and that will just piss me off even more.
I'm losing my mind. My body is wrong. I'm exhausted.

What the hell do I do now??


Beatrix said...

Please call Angela. As in now.

Ginny said...

So, like, not to make light of the shit storm you're going through or anything, you know I'm here for you... but...

You posted on Steve's blog, but not mine? I thought we were hetero lifemates!

Oh, and Phillips says thank you to you and Nathan. Big hugs from me too!