September 9, 2006

Slight Inhebriation

Booze doesn't do the same things to me anymore. I used to get sloppy and emotional. Now, I just get frustrated and hostile. I don't know if this is a good thing or not, but it's better than dramatics and tears.

I need to learn when to just shut up and let people talk. I think my problem is that I don't like seeing people I "care about" (people around me) stuck. I believe that there are solutions to difficult problems, but that you have to want the solution more than you loathe the process. So, when someone starts talking about why they can't get a job, not because of qualifications, but because of personal politics, I tend to leap in with "well, why haven't you tried..." And that's not always the best solution, nor is it always what people want to hear. And some people you just can't help: they have to either figure it out on their own, or gain the experiance of being shot down a time or two before they can get where they need to go. You really do need to hit bottom before you can look up, and you can't let those on their way to their own personal bottom bring you back down.

Sometimes drunk talk makes me tired. Math makes me tired. Will talks about math when we're drinking, so therefore drinking with Will generally makes me tired. Drinking with Todd makes me frustrated, because Todd generally makes little sense when he's drunk. Tired+Frustrated+Drunk = combative Sparky.

And I think I've started to realize that the dynamics of our group are changing. People are being added and subtracted based upon location, but also based upon... Well, need. There are some people (not the ones that you'd think) that I don't really need now. There are people that I do need, but who don't understand need. Or don't understand the nature of need. Need isn't always physical or sexual, as it has been in the past: need can be just a conversation about how things have been, or the occasional "you know, you're doing ok." Maybe this is what the Random Acts assignment is really all about. Human needs. Compassion, Empathy... but just the need to be with another.

There are times when I stand in a room full of people and feel completely alone, then there are times when I'm alone and feel like I'm surrounded, both positivly and negativly. Right now, I feel negativly surrounded. Fears and Hostility and worry are starting to poke through again, and I can't deal with yours. I have my own.

I don't know. But one thing's for sure... I will help, because I'm a helper. I need to learn when being a helper means getting involved, and when being a helper means getting another beer and just letting people bitch.

And now, I'm going to help myself to a warm, comfy bed.

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