Home time...

I feel like caged hell.

I'm ready to go home. I feel trapped, old and overdone. I'm turning 22 in a less than a week, and I may as well be turning 50, the way I feel. I'm still exhausted, with no energy. I'm broke again, and I'm... well, I'm just sick of myself, at this point. I feel like I'm wasting away.

I was at Shannon and Miotchie's this weekend with Nathan, and it felt great to be somewhere where the people are relaxed. I didn't feel like I was walking on eggshells at every turn, and I felt included. It was cool! And then I came back here, and... I mean, I love my room, and I love this house, but I guess... I guess it just still doesn't feel like home.

I've been thinking about moving out on my own. I can't afford it, especially with rent and utilities going up, but I like the idea. I think I do need to live on my own, but if I did... I'd have to be alone. Nathan comes over quite a bit now. I think if I lived alone, he'd wind up living with me, and I'm compleatly not ready for that. But if I lived alone, I"d probably just wither up.

God, I feel like crap. it's like my head and my arms are full of bricks, and I've been kicked in the gut. Maybe I'm getting Miotchie's flu. But I mean, really, I'm 22 and going through what feels like a mid-life crisis. What the hell is that?

I'm hoping that going home for the summer, making some changes and just getting time away will help things. Maybe I'll make more sense to myself after that. I just really don't want to feel like I"m a prisoner in my own body anymore. I want to enjoy things the way I used to.

Right now

Right now, I just want to let it all go.

I don't want to go back. Mom and dad will have to force me onto that bus tomorrow... I don't think I can do it. I can't stop crying. I broke down in the middle of masonville on Friday, and I haven't been able to stop yet.

I just want to live out the rest of my life curled into a ball under my bed. I would seriously concider dropping out if it wasn't so stupid. What kind of moron drops out a month before graduating? And just because it's paper crunch... I survive it every year, so what happened this time? How did I wind up this bad?

Nathan is the only positive thing bringing me back to north Bay right now. I mean, I know that I have my friends at Nip, but right now, I could be willing to let all of that go. I could be very easily convinced. I could forget all about Canadore and be one of those "waste of flesh" people Dad and I were talking about, who just flips burgers or works in a factory for the rest of their miserable lives.

No I couldn't. I can't even do that.

I can't even hide under my bed, because I'm too afraid.

What do I do now?

Once more into the Breech...

It hit me today, hard and fast... I'm not ready for this.

It seems like March just came up so fast... obviously February is a short month, but still... I just... thought I had more time.

I was going to post my traditional "List of the hell to come", but I'm too tired. I have to be at school by 9am tomorrow. If I have time, I will add as much of said list as I can.

Right now, I have to print off a few things, then fall into a black, dreamless sleep.

Mmmmm...Sleeeeeeeeeeeeep.