April 24, 2006

Home time...

I feel like caged hell.

I'm ready to go home. I feel trapped, old and overdone. I'm turning 22 in a less than a week, and I may as well be turning 50, the way I feel. I'm still exhausted, with no energy. I'm broke again, and I'm... well, I'm just sick of myself, at this point. I feel like I'm wasting away.

I was at Shannon and Miotchie's this weekend with Nathan, and it felt great to be somewhere where the people are relaxed. I didn't feel like I was walking on eggshells at every turn, and I felt included. It was cool! And then I came back here, and... I mean, I love my room, and I love this house, but I guess... I guess it just still doesn't feel like home.

I've been thinking about moving out on my own. I can't afford it, especially with rent and utilities going up, but I like the idea. I think I do need to live on my own, but if I did... I'd have to be alone. Nathan comes over quite a bit now. I think if I lived alone, he'd wind up living with me, and I'm compleatly not ready for that. But if I lived alone, I"d probably just wither up.

God, I feel like crap. it's like my head and my arms are full of bricks, and I've been kicked in the gut. Maybe I'm getting Miotchie's flu. But I mean, really, I'm 22 and going through what feels like a mid-life crisis. What the hell is that?

I'm hoping that going home for the summer, making some changes and just getting time away will help things. Maybe I'll make more sense to myself after that. I just really don't want to feel like I"m a prisoner in my own body anymore. I want to enjoy things the way I used to.

1 comment:

Beatrix said...

Wow. I really don't know what to say. I wish I could find some way to help you to feel better. As always, my offer of any help you need stands; my door, ears, and MSN are always opened. Even if you just need to get away from life for a few hours. As Cam McFarlane said, "I have kleenex . . . I have gin!"

Be good and be well, and if I don't see you, have a safe trip back home.