A million nothings to do.

You know, I think I'm ok.

I was kinda panicky today about not getting everything done that I wanted to get done this weekend. But, I think, reasonably, I'm actually ok.

I feel ok about tomorrow's midterm, even if I didn't really study. It's Bradshaw, how hard can it be?

I got the Law assn. done... well, enough that I can check my answers again tomorrow, and make sure I'm right this time.

And I keep forgetting that I don't have rehearsals this week. I don't have to panic about not finding time to study or whatever, because I actually have extra time this week. I think.

So, really, I'm ok. I'm just a little boxed in. I feel overwhelmed because things look cluttered, regardless of whether the clutter is real or not... they're just there, staring me in the face, even though I know I can't do anything but wait until the due date is past to start worrying about the next one.

So, here it is... 11pm. Bed time, I guess.

So why do I get the feeling Hell Week's going to be worse than I thought?

Cabin Fever

Oh, god... I think the winter's getting to me.

Mom and Dad are going to the Dominican for my reading week. And that's ok. I'm too busy to go anyways. Besides, I don't want to go to the Dominican.

I want to go to Myrtle Beach.

I can almost smell it... the salt, the sand, the "palm tree" things. The lights of the crappy little souvenir shops.

Cracker Barrel.

I want it so badly, I can almost taste it. I am almost willing to MapQuest it, and actually attempt to drive in the States. (Yes, I realize that the MeeperMobile wouldn't last 10 minutes on the I-80, or whatever it is...)

Just the feeling of getting to Tennessee, getting out of the Van and stripping off your coat and sweater in favor of cooler pajamas. (we left St. Marys at about 4am the morning we started out, so we spent most of the trip in Pajamas). The wierd nostalgic tingle of going through the tunnels. Hearing mom yell out the name of each state as we crossed the line...

Grocery Stores that sold Beer!!

Oh, god, how I want to go.

nerves.

I know I've already posted today, and I know I haven't really done anything today, but I figured I'd throw this up anyways... Just for fun.

I'm nervous about tomorrow. I haven't done tech in almost 2 years. It's not that I don't remember what to expect, or what's involved. It's just that I don't know if I'm up to it... I'm not as strong as I was, and I'm not as... physically able as I used to be. I tire easily. I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to keep up. I don't like feeling like that. At school, I know I can keep up mentally, and this makes me feel stable... I don't have to worry about fighting for my place and keeping people happy. But right now, I feel so washed out... drained and almost bloated at the same time. I feel like a beached whale. I want to just say... No. I can't do this. I can't be a part of this. But at the same time, I want to try. I just don't want to fail. I really, really don't like failure.

I want to be called out. I want someone to say... Hey, lets do something energetic, let's get you moving. I could do this on my own, but something inside tells me... No, stay still. Just veg. You'll be fine. I don't want to veg. I want to prepare myself for the Ten Million K run my life will eventually become. Something in me isn't working again.

My insides feel broken. Bent, or just... clogged. like everything is slow-drying cement. I hate feeling like this. I think I slept too much to get over being sick and to prepare myself for tomorrow. I just want it over with.

I just wish this heavy, wet, cold blanket would lift. I don't feel like me. I feel like I'm about to fall asleep again. I almost crave a manic flip, where I have energy to freak out and do something big. I don't like the idea of dragging... It means I'm really doing nothing and convincing myself of other things. I don't feel real, yet I feel too real.

I don't really know where I"m going with this. I just want to get it all down. Though, any more, getting it down is not the same as lifting the weight off my shoulders and my chest... It's not the same anymore. It's just... blank. I don't get it.

I think I"m really, just really nervous about doing something wrong, or walking through it in a fog like I used to. There were days when I'd give anything to do this... Now I'm not so Sure.

I'm going to attempt to clean my room. Maybe that will spark something in me... something that kills this godawful restless/weariness in my head. Maybe someone will come online, chat at me, and inspire me into doing something cool. Who knows. Right now, I just feel like nothing, and I just want it gone.

I hate "bring down" posts, but that's where I am. Sorry. But you get it, right?

Urge to kill... steady...

Ok, so I'm insane. I think we've pretty much established that here. I take on more that I can probably handle, I procrastinate like it's a way of life, and I make mountains out of ant-hills. This much we already know. Cool? Cool. Just clarifying that...

Moving on...

I have a wierd feeling today... Something's just felt strange for a week or so now... Something in the air, making people act wierd and making wierd things pop out of nowhere. But today, I actually *feel* wierd. It's hard to explain: Like I know I have lots that I need to do, and that I want to do. My body has the energy to do it. My mind's a little foggy from sleep, but I still feel like I'm up to the job. However, all this energy is just trapped inside me, so instead of being useful and getting things done, I just feel... twitchy. Nervy. Confined in my own body. I hate this. I've felt like it before, but right now it's frustrating because I have so much to do that I need this energy to...I don't know, release? Be free! Mobleize? something like that.

Nathan's on his way here...again. He left his smokes in the car, and is going insane. Poor Blighter. But I know that he'll come here to grab his smokes, wind up staying until I have to go for class... I thought we already talked about this? Grr. I don't blame him, I mean, he needs his nic-fix. But I still feel this want for some alone time. Especially at 10am, the morning I lead a seminar. I'm sure he'll read this and get all edgy again... I don't want him to. I just don't see why we need to see eachother every day. He's not going anywhere, he promised. And I'm not going anywhere either... At least not till Mid December. Though, this could just be me being frustrated with things I'm not actually frustrated with: part of that whole pent-up-energy thing.

I think it's my room. I've slacked off the cleaning before, but it's a hole right now. Maybe that's scattering energy or something. It could be the weather too. I mean, sunny, cloudy, raining, sunny, cold, warm, cold... PICK ONE, DAMNIT. At least then I'd know how to dress.

In any case... I'm going to try and pick up a bit of my room, the I'm going to... I don't know, read some more? When I was reading earlier (yeah, I got up at 7am. Something's obviously wrong there...), I felt calm, relaxed...a bit more focused. Maybe that's what I need to work on today.

I'll probably write up my seminar report after romance, then Nano after Drama, so I should probably clean up my work space first. All the clutter and scattered papers might be messing with my ability to think. That, and having candy wrappers everywhere is not helping the whole no-sugar thing... I actually fell off the wagon (already) yesterday via maple dipped donut. But that's ok... I ate a bunch of fruit salad and rice to make up for it. I still need to drink more water, if only to flush out my system a bit. I"m still sore, and every now and then I still feel a bit feversh, but I think it's getting better.

Ok, now to clean...

NaNoWriMo Word Count: 4,334/50,000