January 13, 2007


I know I've already posted today, and I know I haven't really done anything today, but I figured I'd throw this up anyways... Just for fun.

I'm nervous about tomorrow. I haven't done tech in almost 2 years. It's not that I don't remember what to expect, or what's involved. It's just that I don't know if I'm up to it... I'm not as strong as I was, and I'm not as... physically able as I used to be. I tire easily. I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to keep up. I don't like feeling like that. At school, I know I can keep up mentally, and this makes me feel stable... I don't have to worry about fighting for my place and keeping people happy. But right now, I feel so washed out... drained and almost bloated at the same time. I feel like a beached whale. I want to just say... No. I can't do this. I can't be a part of this. But at the same time, I want to try. I just don't want to fail. I really, really don't like failure.

I want to be called out. I want someone to say... Hey, lets do something energetic, let's get you moving. I could do this on my own, but something inside tells me... No, stay still. Just veg. You'll be fine. I don't want to veg. I want to prepare myself for the Ten Million K run my life will eventually become. Something in me isn't working again.

My insides feel broken. Bent, or just... clogged. like everything is slow-drying cement. I hate feeling like this. I think I slept too much to get over being sick and to prepare myself for tomorrow. I just want it over with.

I just wish this heavy, wet, cold blanket would lift. I don't feel like me. I feel like I'm about to fall asleep again. I almost crave a manic flip, where I have energy to freak out and do something big. I don't like the idea of dragging... It means I'm really doing nothing and convincing myself of other things. I don't feel real, yet I feel too real.

I don't really know where I"m going with this. I just want to get it all down. Though, any more, getting it down is not the same as lifting the weight off my shoulders and my chest... It's not the same anymore. It's just... blank. I don't get it.

I think I"m really, just really nervous about doing something wrong, or walking through it in a fog like I used to. There were days when I'd give anything to do this... Now I'm not so Sure.

I'm going to attempt to clean my room. Maybe that will spark something in me... something that kills this godawful restless/weariness in my head. Maybe someone will come online, chat at me, and inspire me into doing something cool. Who knows. Right now, I just feel like nothing, and I just want it gone.

I hate "bring down" posts, but that's where I am. Sorry. But you get it, right?

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