The Sparky's-Freaking-Out-o-meter: 8.5

So, in approximately 24 hours, I will be on the road, heading back to North Bay.

And I'm filled with an overwhelming feeling of dread.

I did some banking today, and realized that at present, I'm $30 short on my (overdue) rent. Now, to be honest, my last cheque from Richardsons will go in tonight at Midnight, so I should have about $150 to play with, but... Wow. I've never really felt this poor before.

I'm kinda freaking out about it all. Coming back this January is almost like starting over in September: I have to hunt for jobs and housing. I have to sort out my classes (I haven't even gotten my grades from last term yet). I have to somehow start making money. Fast. And Lots of it.... I really don't know what I'm going to do. If I was doing this on my own, I'd be screwed right now. I mean, I'm just... terrified. I hate the idea of looking for a new place to live, because I've never had to do that before, and all I hear about is crappy landlords and leases from hell, leaky cielings and... arg. I understand that change is a part of life, and it's inevitable and all that, but that doesn't mean that I can't be scared about it. And mom's talking about it like it's nothing... Unless she's panicking about having to pay rent over the summer.

It's not really a huge deal. I mean, really, it isn't. We're all poor, after christmas, everyone is. And it's not like I need $5,000 right now today... I'll get OSAP when I get back, and I"ll get my income tax return in March. I just really, really, REALLY hate feeling like I've got nothing. I like to have money to do things. I like to be able to go out and buy my friends a beer. I like being able to do this, and my sister does it all the time. She works part time at a gym (has for a while now), yet she's always going out, and doing things, and buying stuff... I know that not all of that money is hers. I know it's not necessarily true, but sometimes it feels like when I want to do things, and I need to ask for help (which I also hate doing... I'd rather live in the woods for a month with nothing but a tent and a cocktail dress...), it seems like there's just not enough to go around.

That, and I'm starting to feel the "save now" panic... Some financial analyst once said that every Canadian should have 3 months living expenses tucked away for an emergency. I agree, and I really, really want to have some cash banked so that if something comes up, I can at least handle it financially. Besides, one day, I am going to want to go on a vacation to the Bahamas, or Retire, or take time off to travel. Right now, I have gas money to get me to North Bay, and maybe enough change for a coffee along the way. 3 Months living expenses for me looks something like this:

3 months rent (assuming rent wherever I go next is...say $500.00, just to be even): $1,500
3 months utilities (phone, internet, whatever; call it $100/month): $300
3 months medication (lets pretend I still have insurance at this point, $70/month): $210
3 months groceries: $150
3 months gas (@ $40/month if I really stretch it): $120

...3 months bare essentials living expenses: $2280.00... which I'd probably want to round up to $3000, to cover incidental costs like car problems, extra medical problems, extra gas, and the panic of what happens if it's more than 3 months? And, if I'm out of school, throw $120/month car insurance on that, raise the medication to $200/month (yeah, I know), plus OSAP, VISA and Credit Line Payments...

HOW THE HELL DO PEOPLE DO THIS??? It doesn't really make sense, does it? It's really kind of terrifying, isn't it?

I do this every year, don't I?

I've gotten this crazy urge to go back over my old posts and throw lables on them, so I can reference old posts and things like that...So I guess I'll do that... then I guess we'll see.