The Evils of home baking...

Today, my diet consisted entierly of sugar and nicotine.

It's now just after 7:30 pm, and I want to die.

I was going to make 6-7 dozen cupcakes for Free Cupcake Day tomorrow, but that's pretty much out of the question: I don't want to see another cupcake again for a month or two.

Right now, I'm eating vegetables, which I will continue eating until I don't feel like dying anymore.

Shaun and Lisa are awesome. Neither of them are really involved in the club (well, Shaun might be helping with Ads, but that's pretty much it...) but they both baked for anyways. I have awesome friends.

I get the feeling tonight's going to be crap-tacular, if not just because I really, Really don't want to go to rehearsal tonight. I mean, I want to work on my lines and stuff, but I also want to sleep. I want to sleep for a year. I'm going anyways, if not just so I can keep myself awake long enough to finish my resume.

Tired. Tired....sooooo tired.

Notes

There is a large bottle of water sitting next to me right now. I need to start drinking and re-filling this water more often.

The stars are very pretty tonight. I looked up at them as I was walking to the front door after rehearsal, and there was a brief, passing thought in my head about how the night would be warmer if someone were holding my hand.

You know, I really do like being single. It's just that that damned day is coming up. Singles Awareness Day, also known as St. Valentine's Day: a day where single people are tormented by the facade of happy people, desperatly in love, where corperate markets cater both to them in lavish expensive trinkets symbolizing everlasting devotion (if only for 15 minutes...), and us, the single, through the production of teddy bears, chocolate and cheap wine in which to drown ourselves.

This year, I'm pretty much guarenteed that it won't be celebrated with more than a few snarky remarks (my wit is being finely honed...) and some sarcastic banter. I wanted to throw a singles mixer, but I just don't know if I really have the energy. That, and I think that if I can't spend it in a romantic context, I would rather spend it alone. Drunk, and possibly watching Kill Bill, parts 1 and 2, but most certainly alone.

While discussing the amount of "oh my god, why did they do that???" going on in SOS right now, I said something to Devin that kinda caught me. I said that it was strange to see this new pair forming, so completely... opposite, lets say, and inexperianced, with no actual intent of starting something in the first place, and I'm seeing no action. I mean, I'm putting myself out there... well, trying to. I still don't think I"m doing it right.

I shouldn't even be thinking about this kind of stuff... I have FAR too much personal development to work on right now, including the One-Week-Rapid-Detox-Weight-Loss plan Mom's sending up for me so I can trim down before VM and tIoBE, and the progress I've been making with actually getting to class on time... I'm still working on digging up my room mind you... I know I should, because what happens if someone randomly shows up at my door and wants to hang out, or talk... And my room's a hole? Hmm...

But the stars are very pretty. It's crisp and clean and clear and silent. I wish I could feel that, without feeling the cold...

Damn Singles Awareness Day...

My Sunday Secret.

No, it's not on the post secret main page... I actually haven't sent it in. It just came up today, and I think it's time I got it off my chest.

The New Shrink (Dr. King) has started me back working on the Mind over Mood worksheets. He encouraged me to go out and buy the book, but I"m poor, so I'm working on strictly the worksheets for now. I did them a while back... I think in second or third year. Anyways, Today I filled out the first one since he gave them to me on Tuesday... And I came to a realization.

I've been trying to get the petty, non-sensicle bullshit off my chest for a while now. Like finally telling Devin why he offended me and made me want to kill him, and walking away from the NUSU debacle because it was more than I could handle. This one is bigger than I thought, but it's still time to let it go.

I can't do laundry/dishes/cleaning/make food when there's a guest (not mine) in the house. Actually, sometimes it's bad enough just cleaning up when the guys are home. I couldn't figure out exactly why that is... it's not like I"m a very private person. So, I finally bit the bullet today and did the dishes while someone I didn't know was downstairs watching Sex and the City. I felt rude, I felt anxious, frustrated and a little... I wrote degraded, but I don't think that's the right word... I felt like a bad dog. I felt embarrassed. Then I had to write down Evidence supporting the way I thought, and the first thing that came to mind was "You just don't do that. It's rude, and it's disgusting. Strangers shouldn't have to see a person clean their own house."

...I know. It's sounds bizarre. But that's what was running through my head. With the guys, I guess I just don't want them to see... it really does sound stupid.... I don't want them to see how dirty I really am. Like having to do laundry or wash dishes makes you a bad person. I don't understand how people can take their clothes to laundrymats... But I guess I'm going to have to get used to it...

I can't remember ever having a time where cleaning/preparing food infront of someone ever really embarrassed me... I remember really, truly hating doing dishes since I was little... it was like punishment after dinner. One time, I remember not being able to figure out why the sink wouldn't fill, because I used to put the plug in, then the dishes, then fill the sink with water so it wouldn't overfill. I thought the seal on the plug had gone, so I asked dad, and he figured out that the plug wasn't in... I remember him yelling... I don't know if it actually happened that way or not.

Anyways, I just feel like I shouldn't be out there... Like I should just stay out of the way. Like stuffing clothes under your bed because you don't want people to know that you haven't done laundry in a few days... It's a facade. It's really freaking me out a bit...

I don't want people to see me as bad or forgetful. I want people to see the "put-together hippie-chick" who has all her ducks in a row. I want people to see the finish, not the behind-the-scenes, after hours stuff. I'm terrified of sleeping next to someone again because of the things I do/say in my sleep. I'm afraid of getting another job, because I'm afraid I'll screw it up, and lie about it to look better. I don't have people over because I don't want people to see how I live. I don't like to let anyone in my room... ever, really. Because that's where I'm worst. That's my space where I don't have to keep it all together... And when people come here, they want to see put-togetherness.

I don't really feel better... I just think I needed to get it out there. I feel kinda wierd, actually, like there's a pressure in my chest. I don't know what to say next.

Well, I only have one pair of jeans left that fit at the moment, so I have to go wash them, and my pajama pants so I have something to wear in the morning. I still don't want to go down there. I still don't like passing Mike's room with my broken/well loved little laundry basket full of dirty clothing. Why can't people just close their doors???

I don't know what to say next.

Attention Vagina Lovers!

I will be acting/presenting a monologue in Nipissing U/Canadore C's presentation of "The Vagina Monologues" on Feb. 28 and March 5 @ The Wall!!

My Monologue is "The Angry Vagina", and it's farking hilarious! I'm really looking forward to it.

In other News...
I've been feeling kinda down lately (I know, mom, you hate reading about me feeling down...;) )But I think it's just the season. Really, things haven't been going that badly. I haven't been sleeping well, but I never do, so it's not really that terrible. I think what's been getting me down recently is my weight. I've kinda packed it on in the last month or two. Too much beer, probably, but since I'm not quite willing to give that up (yet...) I'm looking into other options. First and foremost is going to be a major re-focus on vegetables. I've been ok, but I need to kinda work at it. I mean, at least now I'm eating soup at the caf instead of pizza (most of the time), and to be honest, the soup's more filling... Actually, I found a really simple recipie for Vegan Potato Leek and Pea soup which I might try out... In any case, yes... more veggies, less processed crap. And more water. I think that might be part of the issue too.

VM goes up in a month, and tIoBE shortly after that (like, a week!!), and I want to look my best. That, and, you know, I want to look my best anyways... you never know who's looking. But, yeah.

So, it's 11:30. Trying to go to bed earlier has become futile, because rehearsals don't get out until 11pm, and after talking to Karl (who agrees that 11pm is kinda late), we discovered that there's really nothing we can do about that. So, I'm just going to have to work through it. I'm really going to start trying to not be late for class anymore... I'm starting to get a reputation for it.

Tomorrow's game plan, in case anyone was wondering:
1) Finish Evaluating Information assignment
2) study for Sociology Test
3) work on Sociology Assignmnet
4) work on Assignment for Placement
5) memorize lines for tIoBE, or at least run through them a bit
6) look over VM monologue
7) Finish and mail letters to pen pals from ZetaChannel
8)Interviewing with Jude James
9)Scoreboard with Karl
10)Rehearsal... again.

Wow... that's a lot more than I thought it was. But, that's ok. I'll manage. I hope.
I think I'm going to take some time now and clean up a bit. Even just cleaning off my "get-prettied-up" stand the other day made me feel better. So, tonight I think I'm going to focus on the area around my desk. The laundry situation is going to have to wait until the weekend I think. Which is ok, I guess.

Horray!...-ish.

A little calmer tonight...

Sorry about the freak-out folks... I'm back, and stable for the time being.

Anyways, so I'm sitting here watching Kill Bill Vol.1 on CBC (go figure...), and studying. Yes, amigos, you read that right, I'm studying. Hell, I wrote 2 exams today. First Aid, CPR. Much more complicated than I remember either of them to be, but oh well. I need to know this stuff, so it's good. It's just wierd to be doing the academic thing again. But I still like it, so I guess it's ok.

I'm starting to get used to my hair. At first, I thought I'd actually gone a bit too short, and that maybe the front was...poofier than I'd like, but it's not that bad once I work some gel into it. Love the colour though. I'll be a sad puppy when it fades back to blond.

I can't find my cell phone charger. I think Nathan may have it. I haven't heard from him since we split, so I don't know if it's maybe too... soon to email him. He did say that he has a box of my stuff, and I have some of his, including his glasses, (he rarely wears them), so I'll have to meet up with him eventually. Hm.

You should SEE the suppliments I'm taking. Holy. Carp. yeah, that's right, carp. 2 Omega 3-6-9 (inch long gel caps) in the morning, 2 Apple Cider Vinegar with each meal, then before I go to bed, there's another 3 Omegas (they promote cardio and nervous system and skin health, as well as work to even out brain/mood functions) another 2 Apple Ciders (promotes digestion) a multi-vitamin with green tea extract, Super Ginko Biloba (memory), 3 Flax (Heart and Brain function), and the Cipralex. Why the focus on Cardiovascular health? I just found out that grandad has heart disease, and that grandpa takes 22 different medications (yeah, twenty-two) every day. I figure, if I can cut out fats, refined sugars and caffien (I haven't drank coffee in 2 months), exercise a bit more, and get my innards working a bit better, I might be able to avoid being a mess when I get older. The Ginko is because I left the stove on the other day. Like an old lady, I left the tea kettle to simmer for an hour. Mom thinks I have Adult ADD. I think I have early onset Alzhiemers. Or paranoia. Whatever. The point is... Um...

Oh! Kill Bill!

So... that's it. more tomorrow, hopefully.

Run Away.

I've been contemplating couch surfing for the rest of the summer.
I've also been thinking about throwing up my hands and packing up the car and moving back to North Bay.
I've also been thinking about digging a hole in the back yard and going ferral.

My mother and my sister have become identical twins. They both have highlighted blond hair that they spend an hour every few nights straightning with an iron. They both shop at the same stores and wear the same style of clothes. They both work at the same place. They talk about the same things, mostly about the Curves girls and about me and my "habbits". Ash is dating a boy exactly like my dad. Dad's been spending every night at the cottage finishing the ceiling, winterizing and whatever; except thursdays when he spends the night with the boys getting drunk and driving around town.

Mom's putting me on a diet again. This time, I'm not allowed pasta. Already, white bread is only allowed in bagle form, because that's all ash will eat. I can eat all the veggies I want, but mom wants me to "significantly reduce" my portion sizes on everything else.

Every conversation we have ends with her saying "you look like you're losing weight, don't you feel thinner?" and me saying "No, mom, I still have 3 pairs of jeans that I can't fit into, and they still don't make bras in my size." Of course, every conversation usually has something to do with my lack of "care" about "the state of my room", how the smell of beans makes Ash "wanting to do the vomit", how Ash doesn't like the smell of the tuna I eat, How Ash isn't really a Swiffer Nazi, she's just very organized.

It's almost 6am. Midnights have thrown my sleeping patterns off enough that I just kinda pass out whenever I need it. I've been up for 3 hours and I'm contemplating drinking myself back to sleep again. I've been good so far, though, not one drink since Aunt Deanna's party.

I feel like Hell.

Dad's convinced that I'll never get a job with the education I'm getting. He doesn't want me to take OSAP because he doesn't want me coming out of school with debt, but at the same time, I know he's asking himself why he's still paying for me to avoid the real world. Mom keeps checking Workopolis and Monster for me, looking for jobs that I can't/don't want to apply for for at least another 2 years, and she sees a lot of "MSW"'s, "BSW"'s, "RN"'s, "RPN"'s and the like, but nothing for a social service worker, addictions and mental health worker, or crisis counciller (without nursing experiance). I don't know what to tell her. I know that a new Youth Addiction Treatment Facility is opening in Kitchener next year, but I don't know that they'll want to hire. I know that I can do some placement with the Children's Aid Society, but I don't think they'll hire me without a BSW, which I can 't get in North Bay. I know that everyone keeps telling me that the call for people with my kind of training will be growing, but I can't get my masters without getting a bachelor's first, and to do that, my best bet is another three years through Athabasca, and I want to get out there and WORK once I have this.

So, yeah. I'm working on going off my meds again. Dr. Meek wants to see what I'm like without them. I figure that by the time August comes, I'll be on Celexa. They say that the frist time you're on antidepressants, you're on them for 6 months, then the next time for a year, then the next time, you're on them for the rest of your life.

I was on Zoloft for 6 months. I've been on Effexor for over a year. Celexa, assuming it works, may be the one that finally convinces them that I'm sick, and I need to be helped, somehow, for the rest of my life. I did the math, and it's actually cheaper for me to be put in an instatution on an out-patient basis than what I"m doing now. Dr. Meeks should be charging $150/hour, but he's not because he's my sister's friend's father, and he knows my insurance only covers $300/year (So, 2 hours. glad someone thought THAT one through...)

I feel like I should be put in a home. I think, sometimes, that that would be best. I feel like I'm a danger to myself, if not others.

But, instead, I'll just go along with the diet. Mom heard from her boss (who is an optomitrist/personal trainer/life coach) that Omega-3's & -6's help aid depression, and there's a posting at Curves that claims that a banana a day cures all. She might be right.

I'm reading "A Million Little Pieces". I know it was discredited as complete fiction, but I still almost completely relate to the main character, even though I'm not an Alcoholic/Addict/Criminal. I know what it's like to feel the Fury he feels where all you want is to murder/kill/destroy. I think the 12 steps is religious nonsense. I know what it's like for people to try to help you without trying to help YOU.

just under 60 days remain.

Moving right along.

Went home this weekend for a wedding and a baptism. The wedding was lovely; compleatly disorganized, but that's how our family seems to work. Aparently, the bridal party disappeared for an hour or two and had a few beers on the golf course, and the bride mooned the lot of us waiting for dinner to start, but hey, the place was gorgeous, the food was amazing... And the baptism was interesting... Aparently the water was quite cold, and there was nothing funnier than watching Alysia walk into it and start mouthing "Holy crap! Oh God!"

Mom and Nan have vowed to return me to the size I was when I came here in September. I'm looking forward to it, but Nathan's not too impressed. I mean, after mom's talk of living on 2 tablespoons of trailmix and half sandwiches... I think he thinks they're going to starve me. And he doesn't like that mom wants me to start shopping with my sister. Not that he doesn't like Ash, just that he thinks she's Canada's answer to Paris Hilton, and he doesn't want me attracting "that kind" of attention. He's not as jealous as he used to be, but still...

I'm finishing the kid lit essay as we speak (yeah, I know...), and I'm starting the drama essay asap, because I"ve got massive packing and studying to do, plus with the sun shining and the weather warming off, I want to get out there and enjoy it.

I'm still keeping my jounral, and the one thing I'm noticing is that even when I try, I don't eat well, or drink enough water for the coffee I drink.

So, yeah...

Sugar-free diet my ass...

*sigh*... it worked for all of 15 minutes...

It was my turn to bring snackfoods for Drama class, and, as I was partnered up with Dave, I followed a basic rule that is understood throughout our group: Dave will forget. I mean this with love, I swear!

In any case, I went to NoFrills, bought a whack of those little powdered sugar donuts, some butter tarts and a case of bottled water, figuring that there would be enough for everyone, and few leftovers.

Dave Remembered. And brought those little powdered sugar donuts and sale-priced halloween candy. Like JollyRancher suckers.

Damnit.

In any case, our fridge is now packed to capacity with juices, leftovers from Mike's curry, my potluck (veggie-cheese pasta and meaty-cheese potatoes), butter tarts and those friggin powdered sugar donuts.

Mom was right... it is an addiction. There were many moments of weakness (those few hours while I was in fact on the bandwagon...) where I nearly bought a chocolate bar. Is that bad? That I can't go one day sugar free? Oh well... Nathan promised me that he will still love me when I'm a fat diabetic in a trailer park...

So, I"m about to continue the Nano adventure. I'm debating posting exerpts... Maybe not yet... maybe later in the month. One thing's for sure... I'm going to need a hand-massuse by December 1st. Aside from the 50,000 words that is NaNoWriMo, I have a 1200 word essay, a 6 page journal, a 2 page seminar report, an 8 page essay (which we covered in class today, and should be friggin easy if I do it soon), my director's notebook, and a CD-Rom assignment all due this month. Plus, there will be updates to this site, posts on Xforums, Posts in the NaNoForums, and god only knows how many emails... Not to mention the Hibou articles with a deadline of Friday... Yeesh. My fingers aren't even numb yet. By December they'll have calluses. If anything, at least my typing skills should increase... I hope.

Right... Now I'm off to clear my bed, unhook my computer and type like a mad woman. Heather's already crossed the 10K mark, I'm sure, and I'd at least like to try and keep up with her a little bit this year.

Any donations of manicures or espresso will be greatly appreciated.

Curses!

First of all: Happy Samhain to my many wiccan readers!
Second: Happy Hallowe'en to everyone else!

So, where have I been for the last week? I'll give you a clue: "*Cough*OW!"

After a week of bad, bad coughing, a rather frightening incident at Ducky's party and a trip the ER, I officially have bronchitus, which, from the docs up here, probably means they didn't know what it was, and just threw me on the mock-penicillin because it'll kill whatever it is. At least I"m sure my ribs aren't cracked...I mean, how hard can reading an x-ray be?

Nathan deserves much thanks. Not only did he put up with the coughing, the scary moments and the occasional piece of crap flying from within my lungs, but he took care of me the whole time. He even stayed up all night after coming back from emerg to make sure I didn't get any worse in the night. And, he bought me a new friend: Ollie is a little orange-and-black toy cat with a big grin!

So, NaNoWriMo begins in less than 4 hours, and I'm... not sure what I want to do yet. I mean, I'm tired, so I should sleep, but I do have homework worth doing... So, I might do homework until midnight, write for an hour then go to bed. I'll post my novel somewhere, and link to it, if I get enough done.

www.nanowrimo.org

Other than that, not a whole lot has happened, again. Another employee gone at the Lucky, a few more deadlines approaching... it's gonna be an interesting month.

Did I ever tell you about Aberdeen? No, eh? Well, when I was at home for reading week, I met the most BEAUTIFUL little kitten at the local pet store... she was PURE white with smudges of smokey grey. And she was SOOOO friendly! Mom and Nathan both met her. We all wanted her, but it would be to hard, what with the traveling back and forth, and the fact that Bizzy's scared of anything that moves, and Willow beats on everything else. So, Nathan and I have decided that some day, eventually, we will get a cat. I wanted to name it Aberdeen (Nathan's tartan...tribal...thing), and he wanted to go with Sinobe (pronounced Shin-O-bee, if I remember rightly), which I very much liked. We'll see... this is still pipe dreams for a distant future.

I'm still collecting for Operation Christmas Child, but no one has donated anything yet... looks like I may be filling these boxes by myself. Oh, well. If it brings joy to a child at christmas, I'll sacrifice a few bucks and a little of my time.

I need to clean my room... desperatly. Nathan cleaned the bed side while I was sick, but the other side's starting to get over-run with crap. I might take tomorrow night and do that.

I only got one shift again this week, which I'm less than happy about... I mean, come on, I know I'm a student, but there's no reason I can't work a few weekends or something...And then Melissa tells me that we now have to have the resteraunt shut down and cleaned within 15 minutes... a task that usually takes a half hour at least. I call BS on that one.

Oh, and tomorrow begins my sugar diet. No donuts, no chocolate, no ice cream, no pop (and I've gotten bad for downing cans of gingerale recently). I'm allowed a double-double or two, but no other artificial sugars. AND, no more fast-food. McDonalds, Wendys, Mrs. Lips... GONE! All of them. I'm really packing it on, and I don't like it. I know Nathan doesn't care, but I do. I came back here having lost a WHACK of pudge, and it's all come back with extra. And lots of water. I really don't drink enough water.

Lastly, and rather appropriatly, I'm concidering joining Habitat NUSU's 30-hour famine this friday... however, by the way Op. X-Mas Child is going, I doubt I'll get any sponsors... Oh well...

Alrighty, that was a great warm-up, but now I'm off to read Otronto, come up with some journals, and kick off Nanowrimo '05!

Ah, the road to recovery...

Sparky's Mom's healthy Mix!

This made me a big bowlfull of healthy, cheap, snack-worthy trail-mix-esque goodness. Everything can be picked up at your local Bulk Barn:

Rasins
Salted Nuts (I have almond, walnuts, brazilnuts and cashews and honey roasted peanuts)
sunflower seeds

So... yeah. Toss em all in, as much as you like of each, and when you're not munching, toss em into a tupperware container. Rasins are aparently high in Iron, which I need (and most women do), sunflower seeds have all sorts of oils that make my coat glossy, almonds have vitamins and other good stuff. walnuts are suppose to ward of disease and tiredness, and honey roasted peanuts ROXXOR MI SOXXORS!!!

Enjoy!