The Evils of home baking...

Today, my diet consisted entierly of sugar and nicotine.

It's now just after 7:30 pm, and I want to die.

I was going to make 6-7 dozen cupcakes for Free Cupcake Day tomorrow, but that's pretty much out of the question: I don't want to see another cupcake again for a month or two.

Right now, I'm eating vegetables, which I will continue eating until I don't feel like dying anymore.

Shaun and Lisa are awesome. Neither of them are really involved in the club (well, Shaun might be helping with Ads, but that's pretty much it...) but they both baked for anyways. I have awesome friends.

I get the feeling tonight's going to be crap-tacular, if not just because I really, Really don't want to go to rehearsal tonight. I mean, I want to work on my lines and stuff, but I also want to sleep. I want to sleep for a year. I'm going anyways, if not just so I can keep myself awake long enough to finish my resume.

Tired. Tired....sooooo tired.

Notes

There is a large bottle of water sitting next to me right now. I need to start drinking and re-filling this water more often.

The stars are very pretty tonight. I looked up at them as I was walking to the front door after rehearsal, and there was a brief, passing thought in my head about how the night would be warmer if someone were holding my hand.

You know, I really do like being single. It's just that that damned day is coming up. Singles Awareness Day, also known as St. Valentine's Day: a day where single people are tormented by the facade of happy people, desperatly in love, where corperate markets cater both to them in lavish expensive trinkets symbolizing everlasting devotion (if only for 15 minutes...), and us, the single, through the production of teddy bears, chocolate and cheap wine in which to drown ourselves.

This year, I'm pretty much guarenteed that it won't be celebrated with more than a few snarky remarks (my wit is being finely honed...) and some sarcastic banter. I wanted to throw a singles mixer, but I just don't know if I really have the energy. That, and I think that if I can't spend it in a romantic context, I would rather spend it alone. Drunk, and possibly watching Kill Bill, parts 1 and 2, but most certainly alone.

While discussing the amount of "oh my god, why did they do that???" going on in SOS right now, I said something to Devin that kinda caught me. I said that it was strange to see this new pair forming, so completely... opposite, lets say, and inexperianced, with no actual intent of starting something in the first place, and I'm seeing no action. I mean, I'm putting myself out there... well, trying to. I still don't think I"m doing it right.

I shouldn't even be thinking about this kind of stuff... I have FAR too much personal development to work on right now, including the One-Week-Rapid-Detox-Weight-Loss plan Mom's sending up for me so I can trim down before VM and tIoBE, and the progress I've been making with actually getting to class on time... I'm still working on digging up my room mind you... I know I should, because what happens if someone randomly shows up at my door and wants to hang out, or talk... And my room's a hole? Hmm...

But the stars are very pretty. It's crisp and clean and clear and silent. I wish I could feel that, without feeling the cold...

Damn Singles Awareness Day...

A little calmer tonight...

Sorry about the freak-out folks... I'm back, and stable for the time being.

Anyways, so I'm sitting here watching Kill Bill Vol.1 on CBC (go figure...), and studying. Yes, amigos, you read that right, I'm studying. Hell, I wrote 2 exams today. First Aid, CPR. Much more complicated than I remember either of them to be, but oh well. I need to know this stuff, so it's good. It's just wierd to be doing the academic thing again. But I still like it, so I guess it's ok.

I'm starting to get used to my hair. At first, I thought I'd actually gone a bit too short, and that maybe the front was...poofier than I'd like, but it's not that bad once I work some gel into it. Love the colour though. I'll be a sad puppy when it fades back to blond.

I can't find my cell phone charger. I think Nathan may have it. I haven't heard from him since we split, so I don't know if it's maybe too... soon to email him. He did say that he has a box of my stuff, and I have some of his, including his glasses, (he rarely wears them), so I'll have to meet up with him eventually. Hm.

You should SEE the suppliments I'm taking. Holy. Carp. yeah, that's right, carp. 2 Omega 3-6-9 (inch long gel caps) in the morning, 2 Apple Cider Vinegar with each meal, then before I go to bed, there's another 3 Omegas (they promote cardio and nervous system and skin health, as well as work to even out brain/mood functions) another 2 Apple Ciders (promotes digestion) a multi-vitamin with green tea extract, Super Ginko Biloba (memory), 3 Flax (Heart and Brain function), and the Cipralex. Why the focus on Cardiovascular health? I just found out that grandad has heart disease, and that grandpa takes 22 different medications (yeah, twenty-two) every day. I figure, if I can cut out fats, refined sugars and caffien (I haven't drank coffee in 2 months), exercise a bit more, and get my innards working a bit better, I might be able to avoid being a mess when I get older. The Ginko is because I left the stove on the other day. Like an old lady, I left the tea kettle to simmer for an hour. Mom thinks I have Adult ADD. I think I have early onset Alzhiemers. Or paranoia. Whatever. The point is... Um...

Oh! Kill Bill!

So... that's it. more tomorrow, hopefully.

A New Chapter...

After waiting for three hours yesterday and almost being late for work, I finally got to see a doctor at the Medical Clinic. My appointment was for 11.30am, and I didn't get to see the doc until 2pm. I was less than impressed. I mean, if we're 15 minutes late for an appointment, it costs us $30, $50 if we're a half hour late; the doc can be 3 hours late, and we don't even get recent magazines?! Insanity.

Anyways, the reason I went to see the doc was because I can't function in the real world anymore. I wake up angry, walk in circles for an hour because I just can't sit still, then cry for hours for absolutly no reason. Mom says I'm even getting paranoid, but I'm not... I"m actually pretty certain that the pharmacutical companies are in cahoots with the government to turn us all into brain-dead soldiers... I can't sleep at night, I don't want to eat when I'm hungry and when I start eating I can't stop, and all week (this is my 3rd week with nothing in my system) I've felt like I"m walking underwater... like everything takes just that much more effort.

So, I'm now on Cipralex, a.k.a Lexapro (the American name...), which is a form of Celexa with fewer lasting side effects. I start at 10mg/day, and my jump to 20mg sometime next month if needed. I've heard good things about it, and aparently it's supposed to be effective in treatment-resistant depression and GAD. So, I'm hoping that this one works properly. And I won't be going past 20mg unless it's obviously necessary... no more of this "Why feel 60% better, when you can feel 11103048562984742846.2% better!!??" crap.

...I don't even think that's a real number...

Anyways... 2 more days of work, and Friday we have a tear-down, which isn't really work, just cleaning, so That's good. I can't wait to get out of that place. People are starting to make me crazy. Besides, everytime I turn around I have something else to do before/after I get back. Tomorrow is Shopping day, and this weekend is our Martin family reunion (which means everyone goes to the cottage together before Uncle Steve, his NEW FINACEE Marnie and his daughter Rio go back to B.C.) then from Monday to friday I have appointments to book and see to, the car has to go into the shop, I have to pack, I really should call Mike and let him know that I'm alive and planning to return...Then once I'm back, I have to get my schedual figured, I need proof of registration for the bank and dad's insurance, I've got to make at least 2 appointments with Dr. Gooderham already... I think I need a vacation. Or 7.

Oh, and One more thing before I venture back to the land of Mayo and Dippy Sauce... Epic Congratulations to Katie and Adam Taylor, as well as Tanya and Josh Partridge, both couples saying their I Do's this weekend. Ladies, keep a tight leash, and Gentalmen, don't screw it up.

Moving right along.

Went home this weekend for a wedding and a baptism. The wedding was lovely; compleatly disorganized, but that's how our family seems to work. Aparently, the bridal party disappeared for an hour or two and had a few beers on the golf course, and the bride mooned the lot of us waiting for dinner to start, but hey, the place was gorgeous, the food was amazing... And the baptism was interesting... Aparently the water was quite cold, and there was nothing funnier than watching Alysia walk into it and start mouthing "Holy crap! Oh God!"

Mom and Nan have vowed to return me to the size I was when I came here in September. I'm looking forward to it, but Nathan's not too impressed. I mean, after mom's talk of living on 2 tablespoons of trailmix and half sandwiches... I think he thinks they're going to starve me. And he doesn't like that mom wants me to start shopping with my sister. Not that he doesn't like Ash, just that he thinks she's Canada's answer to Paris Hilton, and he doesn't want me attracting "that kind" of attention. He's not as jealous as he used to be, but still...

I'm finishing the kid lit essay as we speak (yeah, I know...), and I'm starting the drama essay asap, because I"ve got massive packing and studying to do, plus with the sun shining and the weather warming off, I want to get out there and enjoy it.

I'm still keeping my jounral, and the one thing I'm noticing is that even when I try, I don't eat well, or drink enough water for the coffee I drink.

So, yeah...

Feats of Splendifferousness!

Whoa. Now *that* was a long, unbelieveably interesting day.

The last few days have been nothing but maddness, so I've decided to create this post with one specific intent: To highlight all the wicked-cool stuff that's happened to me in the last week.

1. Got my PSL Midterm back: 76%
2. Got my Kid Lit Journal back: 82%, AFTER the late penalty!
3. Was called "the only sensible voice" within the xForums hacker catastrophy, though I think that's questionable...
4. Auditioned for the Vagina Monologues, and I'm pretty sure I got a part!
5. Got upgraded from "The Principle" in The Wierd Kid to Trish, the part I had last year (an actor dropped this morning...)
6. Got my OSAP processed, and I should be getting about $160 back.
7. Did some much needed scrubbing done at the Lucky
8. Got some positive reinforcement from Dr. Gooderham (more about that later)
9. Got out of bed every day this week before 10am!!
10. Started the whole schedual thing, and, though adjustments are sorely needed, made an attempt to stick to as much as I could.

So, yeah, I feel pretty awsome right now. Re-taking-on the role of Trish doesn't change my schedual, because I was expected to go to every rehersal anyways, and I have blocked off time already for rehersing lines. The part with the Vagina Monologues (I'll know tomorrow if I've got something) will be awsome, and because rehersals are aparently going to be Fridays at 3pm, I can still do 6am-2pm shifts at the Lucky and not have to alter my schedual much.

Dr. Gooderham and I had a quick chat today, and she's decided to leave my meds as is until they've been given time to take full effect. She said that, because my appetite hasn't changed, nor has my "intrest" level, I'm sleeping ok (when I sleep), and I'm seeing a counciler (Angela) she thinks I'm on the right track. She said that if it was really a problem, I wouldn't be seeking help in the first place, and would probably have dropped out by now. She says that I need to cut back on my coffee intake, and start sleeping better (no kidding), but other than that, she thinks that my coping skills are ok, with the exception of the Anxiety. For that, she has asked me to start exercising: specifically running. And I agree. I think I need to be more physical, and walking to and from the bus stop just isn't enough. So, I'm going to try and schedual in a half hour at the gym, on the treadmill, 3x per week. Probably between/before/after classes will work best, in those hour gaps when I usually just sit in the caf.

But now, I must eat something, then crawl into bed. I have to be up at 5am tomorrow to be at work on time.

Yay progress!

Sugar-free diet my ass...

*sigh*... it worked for all of 15 minutes...

It was my turn to bring snackfoods for Drama class, and, as I was partnered up with Dave, I followed a basic rule that is understood throughout our group: Dave will forget. I mean this with love, I swear!

In any case, I went to NoFrills, bought a whack of those little powdered sugar donuts, some butter tarts and a case of bottled water, figuring that there would be enough for everyone, and few leftovers.

Dave Remembered. And brought those little powdered sugar donuts and sale-priced halloween candy. Like JollyRancher suckers.

Damnit.

In any case, our fridge is now packed to capacity with juices, leftovers from Mike's curry, my potluck (veggie-cheese pasta and meaty-cheese potatoes), butter tarts and those friggin powdered sugar donuts.

Mom was right... it is an addiction. There were many moments of weakness (those few hours while I was in fact on the bandwagon...) where I nearly bought a chocolate bar. Is that bad? That I can't go one day sugar free? Oh well... Nathan promised me that he will still love me when I'm a fat diabetic in a trailer park...

So, I"m about to continue the Nano adventure. I'm debating posting exerpts... Maybe not yet... maybe later in the month. One thing's for sure... I'm going to need a hand-massuse by December 1st. Aside from the 50,000 words that is NaNoWriMo, I have a 1200 word essay, a 6 page journal, a 2 page seminar report, an 8 page essay (which we covered in class today, and should be friggin easy if I do it soon), my director's notebook, and a CD-Rom assignment all due this month. Plus, there will be updates to this site, posts on Xforums, Posts in the NaNoForums, and god only knows how many emails... Not to mention the Hibou articles with a deadline of Friday... Yeesh. My fingers aren't even numb yet. By December they'll have calluses. If anything, at least my typing skills should increase... I hope.

Right... Now I'm off to clear my bed, unhook my computer and type like a mad woman. Heather's already crossed the 10K mark, I'm sure, and I'd at least like to try and keep up with her a little bit this year.

Any donations of manicures or espresso will be greatly appreciated.

Sparky's Mom's healthy Mix!

This made me a big bowlfull of healthy, cheap, snack-worthy trail-mix-esque goodness. Everything can be picked up at your local Bulk Barn:

Rasins
Salted Nuts (I have almond, walnuts, brazilnuts and cashews and honey roasted peanuts)
sunflower seeds

So... yeah. Toss em all in, as much as you like of each, and when you're not munching, toss em into a tupperware container. Rasins are aparently high in Iron, which I need (and most women do), sunflower seeds have all sorts of oils that make my coat glossy, almonds have vitamins and other good stuff. walnuts are suppose to ward of disease and tiredness, and honey roasted peanuts ROXXOR MI SOXXORS!!!

Enjoy!