The All-incompasing Holiday post.

(From January 2, 2006)

Well, here we are. 2006. So far, it doesn't really feel any different from 2005.

Obviously, things haven't been going that great for me recently. Oh, don't get me wrong, Christmas was fantastic, and I did get my jingle-bell feeling, Christmas Eve of all days… It's what's to come that has me returning to old habits.

The pillow fort thing came back to me again. This time, there were actual schematics and passcodes and little flags. I had gone as far as divising a way to keep 12 bottles of water cold within the fort without cooling the fort itself before I managed to push the idea from my mind. Then the idea of running away came back. Of course, I'm still nervous getting into a car, so I wouldn't go that way, but still… I started thinking about following my sister's lead and vanishing to Vancouver for a week or two (she's taking her boyfriend for a week in January… must be nice).

The difference this time, as compared to the other times I've thought about running or hiding, is that this time, both feelings were accompanied by one phrase: "I don't want to go back". See, while I was here, I worked at Richardsons. This brought a lot of things to my attention, but one thing in particular stands out: people do actually make a career of doing this. People my age. And in this line of work, you know exactly what's happeneing from one day to the next, one week to the next, one month from now… there's nothing unpredictable about it. There's no need for a plan B, because there's very little about plan A that will change.

I've been having a lot of trouble dealing with the fact that my life has hit a very unstable patch. I don't really know what will be happening once I get back to the Bay, or once I get my grades back. I might not graduate this year. I might have to pick up another 3-credit course somehow. I might have to take a spring or summer course. I might not get into college. These are all pretty big "might" problems. And there's no way for me to control them right now, so all I can do is sit here and worry about it: come up with more plan B through Z's, plan and plot how I can survive on social assistance living in a van down by the river…

And it's not just school. I've become a bad roomate. I know this, and I want to fix it… I just don't want to face up to it to the guys. I'm terrified that there will be yelling. I can't deal with yelling; and I've felt guilty about the whole thing since I was told about it before Christmas, and because there's been really no way to correct it from here… All I can do is berate myself, so anything that can be said once I'm back up north will likely just be salt in the wound.

I had a bad, bad night Friday. It started just before 10pm, when I was getting ready for bed. Mom asked me what's been bothering me, and I broke. I cried for nearly an hour while I explained pretty much all of the above to her, and while she tried to help me figure out ways to correct what I've been doing wrong. Then I got online, started talking to Nathan, and cried unconsolably for another hour, before finally falling asleep. I don't know why I couldn't stop, but it got scary. I was pretty sure that I'd finally lost it. And of course, my face is now a red, scaly, peeling mess, which makes me feel all sorts of pretty… In short, my self esteem's shot, and in one weeks time, I will be heading back to a place that has a tendancy of kicking my self-esteem's ass. Not necessarily the house, but the town… the school, work (which may also be picking up), just…everything.

On top of all this, starting tomorrow, I have to completely overhaul my diet. Because I've had to start taking iron supliments, I have to cut out all fried foods, all excess fats and sugars (which kills about half of my current diet), double, if not triple, my intake of fibre and water, AND I have to start following a proper exercise program (not because of the iron, but because my Doc says so… it should help the Effexor work properly), as well as start regulating my sleep patterns. Ugh.

***

So, that was January 2nd. Not a happy place for me, obviously, and I'd like to say that things have changed, but they haven't much. I still don't really want to go back to North Bay. There are still a lot of uncertainties, and a few issues I have to face, but really would rather not. My emotions are messed up completely, and I find myself getting angry and frustrated for no real reason. But, mom has been helping me with some of my more "asthetic" problems, like the "take a half hour and just clean" regimine she has me on. I'm also starting to adjust my diet, though the progress is slow.

The only real bit of happy news I've gotten is that I managed to somehow pass Romance… I got 51%. I'm not sure how, but at least now one thing is certain: I *will* graduate Nipissing this year.

***

And that was yesterday.

Now, assuming you've read the post before this, you are pretty much up to date.

Cheers!

Buried under a molehill

Things are still piling up.

I'm starting to dig my way back out, but it's difficult. I'm not only fighting academia at large, I"m fighting with myself. I feel like giving up.

And I'm starting to feel that things with Nathan and myself are starting to suffer because of my selfishness. He worries about me, and I feel completely out of control. I feel as though I have no self control. He wants to help me, but, over the weekend at home, I started to feel like I don't want to be helped. Even though the majority of my lifestyle is completely unhealthy, I don't want to change. It's horrid and weak and cowardly, and that just makes me feel worse.

My computer is still slowly frying itself, though I think I"ve killed off the largest part of the problem. That's why I"m in the computer lab right now, pretending to be part of what sounds like a psych/nursing class. I don't really want to go home yet.

Nathan and I are going to start working on Feng Shuing my room. Trying to make it more home-y, more comfortable. Personally, I'd rather just throw the mattress on the floor and...

Pillow Fort.

The last time I started thinking about living in a pillow fort on lemon water and frozen grapes, I wound up a wreck. Maybe it's time to up the dosage again. Mom is making me an appt. with Dr. Chin for my first week home (somewhere between the chiropracter, the optometrist and the hair stylist...), so maybe I will see what she thinks. It could just be the crappy weather, It could be stress. It could be a sign of another problem.

I love Nathan. I just feel over stretched.

I didn't get any shifts at work again this week. I nearly cried when I found out, not because I love to work, but because this will equal out to 2 small paycheques...

I just want to curl up and wait for this to just blow over. Why couldn't I have just been a house cat?