So, in approximately 24 hours, I will be on the road, heading back to North Bay.
And I'm filled with an overwhelming feeling of dread.
I did some banking today, and realized that at present, I'm $30 short on my (overdue) rent. Now, to be honest, my last cheque from Richardsons will go in tonight at Midnight, so I should have about $150 to play with, but... Wow. I've never really felt this poor before.
I'm kinda freaking out about it all. Coming back this January is almost like starting over in September: I have to hunt for jobs and housing. I have to sort out my classes (I haven't even gotten my grades from last term yet). I have to somehow start making money. Fast. And Lots of it.... I really don't know what I'm going to do. If I was doing this on my own, I'd be screwed right now. I mean, I'm just... terrified. I hate the idea of looking for a new place to live, because I've never had to do that before, and all I hear about is crappy landlords and leases from hell, leaky cielings and... arg. I understand that change is a part of life, and it's inevitable and all that, but that doesn't mean that I can't be scared about it. And mom's talking about it like it's nothing... Unless she's panicking about having to pay rent over the summer.
It's not really a huge deal. I mean, really, it isn't. We're all poor, after christmas, everyone is. And it's not like I need $5,000 right now today... I'll get OSAP when I get back, and I"ll get my income tax return in March. I just really, really, REALLY hate feeling like I've got nothing. I like to have money to do things. I like to be able to go out and buy my friends a beer. I like being able to do this, and my sister does it all the time. She works part time at a gym (has for a while now), yet she's always going out, and doing things, and buying stuff... I know that not all of that money is hers. I know it's not necessarily true, but sometimes it feels like when I want to do things, and I need to ask for help (which I also hate doing... I'd rather live in the woods for a month with nothing but a tent and a cocktail dress...), it seems like there's just not enough to go around.
That, and I'm starting to feel the "save now" panic... Some financial analyst once said that every Canadian should have 3 months living expenses tucked away for an emergency. I agree, and I really, really want to have some cash banked so that if something comes up, I can at least handle it financially. Besides, one day, I am going to want to go on a vacation to the Bahamas, or Retire, or take time off to travel. Right now, I have gas money to get me to North Bay, and maybe enough change for a coffee along the way. 3 Months living expenses for me looks something like this:
3 months rent (assuming rent wherever I go next is...say $500.00, just to be even): $1,500
3 months utilities (phone, internet, whatever; call it $100/month): $300
3 months medication (lets pretend I still have insurance at this point, $70/month): $210
3 months groceries: $150
3 months gas (@ $40/month if I really stretch it): $120
...3 months bare essentials living expenses: $2280.00... which I'd probably want to round up to $3000, to cover incidental costs like car problems, extra medical problems, extra gas, and the panic of what happens if it's more than 3 months? And, if I'm out of school, throw $120/month car insurance on that, raise the medication to $200/month (yeah, I know), plus OSAP, VISA and Credit Line Payments...
HOW THE HELL DO PEOPLE DO THIS??? It doesn't really make sense, does it? It's really kind of terrifying, isn't it?
I do this every year, don't I?
I've gotten this crazy urge to go back over my old posts and throw lables on them, so I can reference old posts and things like that...So I guess I'll do that... then I guess we'll see.
If you're going to screw it up, do it BIG... people will think you're doing it on Purpose.
Showing posts with label finding a home. Show all posts
Showing posts with label finding a home. Show all posts
January 3, 2007
December 30, 2006
A real NEWS post! YAY!
I'm back! I'm feeling slightly more human now, so I thought I'd post. You know, cause I do that sometimes.
So, Christmas has came and went. It was nice: small, relativly quiet, got some nice stuff...Including:
-digital camera! Only holds about 20 pics right now
-more memory for my computer! Sweet Jesus!!
-a brand new MP3 player. My old one was awesome, but we started having some technological issues a few months back... not to mention the fact that it's 4 years old. It was time for something new. So, this one holds about 600 songs. I gave the old one to my grandmother, who's just figured out MSN messenger...
-SOCKS! Sexy, comfy, soft socks. The fluffy kind. *melts*
-Season 2 of Grey's Anatomy (*squee!*)
-Seasons 1&2 of Family Guy (I have season 3)
-Season 1 of Futurama
-flat iron for my hair (so I can look polished like the rest of the family)
-gift certs for Second Cup (do we even have one in NB?), La Senza (woo hoo bras!!), Zellers and Suzy Shier
-a diamond/pink saphire bracelet from Dad (so pretty...)
-a neat tea set for one with cats on it from Ash and Josh
-enough chocolate to put me into insulin shock
And, a rather interesting bit of info from my parents... If I can continue paying $400 rent, they will cover the balance of a one bedroom apartment. Which is nice. So, mom's been going insane trying to find me a place. she even has an ad here for me to check out... She has northbayclassifieds bookmarked on her computer! It's wild! She actually found one that fits all of her "specifications", except that it's not secure-entry. It's somewhere across from the Tim Hortons/A&P area. She wants me to check it out as soon as I go back.
She also wants me to start job hunting when I get back... for summer. Like, she wants me to find something in my field (or close to it) in North Bay, that's going to pay about $10/hour. I want some of the crack she's smoking. I'll go to some of the employment centres (YES, there's a temp agency somewhere, etc...), but I doubt I'll find anything.
So, I guess it's back to the factory for me in 2007. Which, really, isn't so bad. I've got a guarenteed spot coming back, because they've decided that now they want 2 people in weigh-up on all shifts (right now, there's still one shift that runs on one person), and the girl who took my spot just discovered that she's pregnant, so she'll be starting Maternity leave sometime in the summer. PLUS, and here's the exciting bit, as of Jan.1/07, we all get a 3% raise, and I got my 6 month raise (finally... I've only been there 4 years...) so even out on the floor, I'll be making more than $12/hour. And there's roumer going around that we might be getting a new contract (it's actually confirmed, but not "official" yet), which means scads of overtime (not that there isn't already). I could make a mint this summer. Or, I could do something that will look decent on my resume when I finally graduate.
No, I haven't gotten my grades yet. Kinda disappointed by that. I'm hoping that they'll be here next week, or that they were mailed to the house in North Bay instead (if they were, and you read this Mike, can you send me a quick message to let me know?) I know I haven't failed anything, or I would have gotten that letter before exams. I still want to know how I'm doing though.
So, I have next week "off" (monday is a holiday, tuesday and wednesday I'm at home, thursday I'm heading back to NB, friday is ROAD TRIP TIME!!), so I'll be working on my Secret Project (yeah, I'm totally gonna keep teasing people with that), Flyers for the Vagina Monologues, just incase; the Nipissing Women's Centre got back to me, and they are willing to help, but I don't think anyone's actually organizing from that end... I haven't heard back from NUSU or CSRC people yet. And, I'll be working on Thank You Cards from the Com Org class... no one from that class has gotten back to me on anything yet. I really don't know what to do now... Especially since there is a group who's sole purpose was to use the money we raised to go shopping for gift certs... but that isn't supposed to happen until January. What if they don't do it? I don't have access to the account, and the people that do are only here for 3 weeks. Grr.
Saddam Hussien is dead. It's a good thing... but for some reason, it seems like it was for the wrong reasons... I don't think anything truly good will come of this.
Anyways, I'm off to bed. One last Family Christmas tomorrow. It's going to be...interesting. People may or may not die. There may or may not be shotguns. I may or may not be drunk. All in all, should make for a good day... or not.
Hope to hear from y'all soon!
So, Christmas has came and went. It was nice: small, relativly quiet, got some nice stuff...Including:
-digital camera! Only holds about 20 pics right now
-more memory for my computer! Sweet Jesus!!
-a brand new MP3 player. My old one was awesome, but we started having some technological issues a few months back... not to mention the fact that it's 4 years old. It was time for something new. So, this one holds about 600 songs. I gave the old one to my grandmother, who's just figured out MSN messenger...
-SOCKS! Sexy, comfy, soft socks. The fluffy kind. *melts*
-Season 2 of Grey's Anatomy (*squee!*)
-Seasons 1&2 of Family Guy (I have season 3)
-Season 1 of Futurama
-flat iron for my hair (so I can look polished like the rest of the family)
-gift certs for Second Cup (do we even have one in NB?), La Senza (woo hoo bras!!), Zellers and Suzy Shier
-a diamond/pink saphire bracelet from Dad (so pretty...)
-a neat tea set for one with cats on it from Ash and Josh
-enough chocolate to put me into insulin shock
And, a rather interesting bit of info from my parents... If I can continue paying $400 rent, they will cover the balance of a one bedroom apartment. Which is nice. So, mom's been going insane trying to find me a place. she even has an ad here for me to check out... She has northbayclassifieds bookmarked on her computer! It's wild! She actually found one that fits all of her "specifications", except that it's not secure-entry. It's somewhere across from the Tim Hortons/A&P area. She wants me to check it out as soon as I go back.
She also wants me to start job hunting when I get back... for summer. Like, she wants me to find something in my field (or close to it) in North Bay, that's going to pay about $10/hour. I want some of the crack she's smoking. I'll go to some of the employment centres (YES, there's a temp agency somewhere, etc...), but I doubt I'll find anything.
So, I guess it's back to the factory for me in 2007. Which, really, isn't so bad. I've got a guarenteed spot coming back, because they've decided that now they want 2 people in weigh-up on all shifts (right now, there's still one shift that runs on one person), and the girl who took my spot just discovered that she's pregnant, so she'll be starting Maternity leave sometime in the summer. PLUS, and here's the exciting bit, as of Jan.1/07, we all get a 3% raise, and I got my 6 month raise (finally... I've only been there 4 years...) so even out on the floor, I'll be making more than $12/hour. And there's roumer going around that we might be getting a new contract (it's actually confirmed, but not "official" yet), which means scads of overtime (not that there isn't already). I could make a mint this summer. Or, I could do something that will look decent on my resume when I finally graduate.
No, I haven't gotten my grades yet. Kinda disappointed by that. I'm hoping that they'll be here next week, or that they were mailed to the house in North Bay instead (if they were, and you read this Mike, can you send me a quick message to let me know?) I know I haven't failed anything, or I would have gotten that letter before exams. I still want to know how I'm doing though.
So, I have next week "off" (monday is a holiday, tuesday and wednesday I'm at home, thursday I'm heading back to NB, friday is ROAD TRIP TIME!!), so I'll be working on my Secret Project (yeah, I'm totally gonna keep teasing people with that), Flyers for the Vagina Monologues, just incase; the Nipissing Women's Centre got back to me, and they are willing to help, but I don't think anyone's actually organizing from that end... I haven't heard back from NUSU or CSRC people yet. And, I'll be working on Thank You Cards from the Com Org class... no one from that class has gotten back to me on anything yet. I really don't know what to do now... Especially since there is a group who's sole purpose was to use the money we raised to go shopping for gift certs... but that isn't supposed to happen until January. What if they don't do it? I don't have access to the account, and the people that do are only here for 3 weeks. Grr.
Saddam Hussien is dead. It's a good thing... but for some reason, it seems like it was for the wrong reasons... I don't think anything truly good will come of this.
Anyways, I'm off to bed. One last Family Christmas tomorrow. It's going to be...interesting. People may or may not die. There may or may not be shotguns. I may or may not be drunk. All in all, should make for a good day... or not.
Hope to hear from y'all soon!
April 18, 2006
Here we go again...
Nathan told me tonight (about 10 minutes ago), that he needs to find a new place to live.
Again.
Nathan's roomate, Miotchie, has a teenaged daughter who currently lives with her ex-husband in... I don't know, Kitchener or something. Well, aparently, the ex-husband is bailing on her, and Nathan needs to be out so she can have his room. I'd imagine that she won't move up until the end of the school year, but still... Nathan said the latest will be July 1st. So, Nathan needs to be able to come up with first, last, and possible utilities (keeping in mind that the cost of hydro is rising 17% as of May 1st), still pay his last bit of rent with Shannon and Miotchie, and find an apartment before... whenever the girl moves up here. So, I put out the call to you:
Male, 23, seeks apartment ASAP. Quiet, Clean, smoker, but will smoke outside. Employed full-time, responsible and very friendly. OK with pets. Perferably near bus route.
If you've got any ideas, PLEASE contact me.
And we're not moving in together unless it becomes necessary. Why? Because I think we'd kill each other. And I can't do that until I'm officially in the will.
Again.
Nathan's roomate, Miotchie, has a teenaged daughter who currently lives with her ex-husband in... I don't know, Kitchener or something. Well, aparently, the ex-husband is bailing on her, and Nathan needs to be out so she can have his room. I'd imagine that she won't move up until the end of the school year, but still... Nathan said the latest will be July 1st. So, Nathan needs to be able to come up with first, last, and possible utilities (keeping in mind that the cost of hydro is rising 17% as of May 1st), still pay his last bit of rent with Shannon and Miotchie, and find an apartment before... whenever the girl moves up here. So, I put out the call to you:
Male, 23, seeks apartment ASAP. Quiet, Clean, smoker, but will smoke outside. Employed full-time, responsible and very friendly. OK with pets. Perferably near bus route.
If you've got any ideas, PLEASE contact me.
And we're not moving in together unless it becomes necessary. Why? Because I think we'd kill each other. And I can't do that until I'm officially in the will.
February 7, 2006
Wanted: Small Doses.
Why can't things happen one at a time???
Why is it that when one thing blows up, it can't just be that one problem, it's gotta be six billion other things at the same damned time??
I mean, take tomorrow: Why can't I just have a midterm that day? why do I have to have another class after it? And why, oh why, do I have to work 7-2pm before it?
Snarf.
Meaghan and Craig are back together. Yay, I guess. I mean, I'm happy for them, but I have my concerns about what both of them want from the relationship, and what they are going to find. But that's just me.
Sarah and Steve are duking it out over dishes now. I seem to recall something from earlier in the year... Myself saying something about how the exec living together this year wasn't the best idea... But they're going to work on it like Mature Adults. They're going to get things sorted out. Whether they want to or not...
And then, tonight at rehersal (we ran the play about 2.25 times tonight...), Steve gives us the lowdown of the new show dates. Are ya'll ready for this one?
Monday, Feb 20th: 9.30am show
Tuesday, Feb. 21st: 9.30am show
Wednesday, Feb 22nd: 9.30am show
Thursday, Feb 23rd: 9.30am show, AND 12.30pm show.
Friday, Feb 24th: We're leaving for MATTAWA (about an hour and a half south) at 8.30am in a rented VAN, for a morning and afternoon show. We should be back in town by dinner.
Sweet. Monkey. Jeebus.
I figured there would be 3-4 shows. That made sense. But 7?? and 2 of them in a different location?? BLARG. So much for catching up over reading week...
And lastly, in this train-wrek of an update I have going on: Nathan needs to find a new place to live. His Aunt Patricia has been stationed in Edmonton, so they're moving. They'll know at the end of the month when they'll be going for sure, but either way, they're leaving, and Nathan's room in their house is leaving with them. So, assuming the military gives Patricia a few months to get her affairs in order, Nathan has to apartment hunt, scrounge up first and last, and possibly find a roomate! Not to mention packing up the stuff he does have at Uncle Mikes, and finding a home for it...
Finding the apartment is going to be the first big issue... Housing up here ain't cheap, especially when you have to pay first and last, and OSAP is taking money off every paycheque...
I've been scouring the online classifieds, but haven't found much yet. Luckily, we're entering the season where students start planning for accomidations for next year, so I'm hoping some apartments are going to be coming available. I feel bad, because I'm not sure I'm ready to move in with him, so I can't say "I'll go in with you on a 1 or two bedroom, roomie!" That, and I'm comfortable here now. I'm starting to get into the groove of things (I think...er...hope?), and I would rather move in with him once I have a steady job and some solid footing in the Bay, than while I'm still back and forth between here and home.
So, if anyone is in need of a roomate, or is ditching a fairly cheap apartment, please, let me know. He'll smoke outside, and if we can't get Shinobe or Aberdeen (the cat's we're planning to get) now, that's ok! He doesn't even have a computer, so no high-speed to worry about, and I'm sure he can live without cable! He's even housebroken! (Sorry, hun... I'm not making fun of you, I promise. *grin*)
Arg. I feel better now... the knot in my head is gone. So, back to studying I go.
Wheeeeeeeeeeee...
Why is it that when one thing blows up, it can't just be that one problem, it's gotta be six billion other things at the same damned time??
I mean, take tomorrow: Why can't I just have a midterm that day? why do I have to have another class after it? And why, oh why, do I have to work 7-2pm before it?
Snarf.
Meaghan and Craig are back together. Yay, I guess. I mean, I'm happy for them, but I have my concerns about what both of them want from the relationship, and what they are going to find. But that's just me.
Sarah and Steve are duking it out over dishes now. I seem to recall something from earlier in the year... Myself saying something about how the exec living together this year wasn't the best idea... But they're going to work on it like Mature Adults. They're going to get things sorted out. Whether they want to or not...
And then, tonight at rehersal (we ran the play about 2.25 times tonight...), Steve gives us the lowdown of the new show dates. Are ya'll ready for this one?
Monday, Feb 20th: 9.30am show
Tuesday, Feb. 21st: 9.30am show
Wednesday, Feb 22nd: 9.30am show
Thursday, Feb 23rd: 9.30am show, AND 12.30pm show.
Friday, Feb 24th: We're leaving for MATTAWA (about an hour and a half south) at 8.30am in a rented VAN, for a morning and afternoon show. We should be back in town by dinner.
Sweet. Monkey. Jeebus.
I figured there would be 3-4 shows. That made sense. But 7?? and 2 of them in a different location?? BLARG. So much for catching up over reading week...
And lastly, in this train-wrek of an update I have going on: Nathan needs to find a new place to live. His Aunt Patricia has been stationed in Edmonton, so they're moving. They'll know at the end of the month when they'll be going for sure, but either way, they're leaving, and Nathan's room in their house is leaving with them. So, assuming the military gives Patricia a few months to get her affairs in order, Nathan has to apartment hunt, scrounge up first and last, and possibly find a roomate! Not to mention packing up the stuff he does have at Uncle Mikes, and finding a home for it...
Finding the apartment is going to be the first big issue... Housing up here ain't cheap, especially when you have to pay first and last, and OSAP is taking money off every paycheque...
I've been scouring the online classifieds, but haven't found much yet. Luckily, we're entering the season where students start planning for accomidations for next year, so I'm hoping some apartments are going to be coming available. I feel bad, because I'm not sure I'm ready to move in with him, so I can't say "I'll go in with you on a 1 or two bedroom, roomie!" That, and I'm comfortable here now. I'm starting to get into the groove of things (I think...er...hope?), and I would rather move in with him once I have a steady job and some solid footing in the Bay, than while I'm still back and forth between here and home.
So, if anyone is in need of a roomate, or is ditching a fairly cheap apartment, please, let me know. He'll smoke outside, and if we can't get Shinobe or Aberdeen (the cat's we're planning to get) now, that's ok! He doesn't even have a computer, so no high-speed to worry about, and I'm sure he can live without cable! He's even housebroken! (Sorry, hun... I'm not making fun of you, I promise. *grin*)
Arg. I feel better now... the knot in my head is gone. So, back to studying I go.
Wheeeeeeeeeeee...
August 14, 2005
Quick Note:
I had to turn off the comments section on the last post, because some moron spammed me. If you want to comment on "A Truly Epic Misadventure", please feel free to post on this thread.
I've been thinking about the whole situation, and I realized a few things:
First:
You know, his wife won't let him leave the house except to go to his mother's, she takes all his money and gives him an allowance... she won't even kiss him anymore. I figure, if he didn't do this with me, it would have been someone. And obviously he doesn't feel guilty about it, since he wants to see me again tomorrow, so why should I? I haven't decided whether I should see him again before my October break, but that's beside the point.
...There was a second point, but I've forgotten it. I know that I'm really just trying to convince myself that what happened wasn't wrong. I mean, it wasn't right, and it wasn't smart, but as long as the wife doesn't find out, no one really gets hurt. I don't want a relationship with him...
The problem, of course, being that he *wants* to tell his wife.
See? I'm like a moth light for crazies.
In happier news, I move up north on Saturday. Yays! I'm done work on wednesday, and the following wednesday (the 24th), the new washer and dryer will be arriving! Sweet...Front load, large capacity... *drools*.
I get my hair cut on Tuesday of this week. I'm thinking of a more Tori Amos look this time around. Long-er than I usually leave it, more focused on the curl, a deeper red, maybe some highlights... Or highlights later, or something. I want to do something more...more feminine this time. I'm thinking I might want to lose the militant attitude for something more... friendly. That's the recomendation at least. People don't want to stop and get to know me if they have to break a rock-hard surface to get to the chewy, melty centre...
Why do I always make myself sound like a candy bar?
Anyways, I have to be up in 5 hours. I should go sleep. Tomorrow, if I get time, I'll explaine the science of Golf Cart Polo.
Shwing!
I've been thinking about the whole situation, and I realized a few things:
First:
You know, his wife won't let him leave the house except to go to his mother's, she takes all his money and gives him an allowance... she won't even kiss him anymore. I figure, if he didn't do this with me, it would have been someone. And obviously he doesn't feel guilty about it, since he wants to see me again tomorrow, so why should I? I haven't decided whether I should see him again before my October break, but that's beside the point.
...There was a second point, but I've forgotten it. I know that I'm really just trying to convince myself that what happened wasn't wrong. I mean, it wasn't right, and it wasn't smart, but as long as the wife doesn't find out, no one really gets hurt. I don't want a relationship with him...
The problem, of course, being that he *wants* to tell his wife.
See? I'm like a moth light for crazies.
In happier news, I move up north on Saturday. Yays! I'm done work on wednesday, and the following wednesday (the 24th), the new washer and dryer will be arriving! Sweet...Front load, large capacity... *drools*.
I get my hair cut on Tuesday of this week. I'm thinking of a more Tori Amos look this time around. Long-er than I usually leave it, more focused on the curl, a deeper red, maybe some highlights... Or highlights later, or something. I want to do something more...more feminine this time. I'm thinking I might want to lose the militant attitude for something more... friendly. That's the recomendation at least. People don't want to stop and get to know me if they have to break a rock-hard surface to get to the chewy, melty centre...
Why do I always make myself sound like a candy bar?
Anyways, I have to be up in 5 hours. I should go sleep. Tomorrow, if I get time, I'll explaine the science of Golf Cart Polo.
Shwing!
April 19, 2005
Lava Lamps and Cheerios
I know, I haven't posted in a while. I don't really have a lot to say. Well, except maybe that I'm nervous.
I feel nervous about my exams, but I'm not really worried. It doesn't really matter if I do well or not, just whether or not I get my degree. I still have a really hard time studying. It's just boring. And I still find it hard to focus.
I'm nervous about moving into the new place. The guy that lives there now...He's been saying things about my friend: the guy I'm moving in with. About this guy, and his past... and the potential of mental illness. I don't know what to believe. And I can't ask about it, because it will get back to the guy... I don't want to make things uncomfortable this early. I'm choosing to ignore it for now. I'll see later what I want to do.
I'm nervous about going home. It's fammiliar, but different. There's no one there that I can be with like I am with the people here. Sarah and I sat for about a half hour today in the front yard of the building. Eating Cheerios. It was like childhood: sitting with your best friend, playing with the grass, flicking ants... I never did that with the girls at school. I can do that here. I've never been able to do that at home.
I'm also slightly worried about this flu that I'm feeling. It's like a head cold with fever... very sucky: I have an exam tomorrow. I'm also having issues with my wisdom teeth. My head feels very hurty.
But other than that, all is well. I got a blue Lava Lamp from the Chancellor's scrap table... It's rocking my world right now. Tomorrow and Thursday are going to be busy. I'll throw up a nice to-do list tomorrow.
Once my head clears.
I feel nervous about my exams, but I'm not really worried. It doesn't really matter if I do well or not, just whether or not I get my degree. I still have a really hard time studying. It's just boring. And I still find it hard to focus.
I'm nervous about moving into the new place. The guy that lives there now...He's been saying things about my friend: the guy I'm moving in with. About this guy, and his past... and the potential of mental illness. I don't know what to believe. And I can't ask about it, because it will get back to the guy... I don't want to make things uncomfortable this early. I'm choosing to ignore it for now. I'll see later what I want to do.
I'm nervous about going home. It's fammiliar, but different. There's no one there that I can be with like I am with the people here. Sarah and I sat for about a half hour today in the front yard of the building. Eating Cheerios. It was like childhood: sitting with your best friend, playing with the grass, flicking ants... I never did that with the girls at school. I can do that here. I've never been able to do that at home.
I'm also slightly worried about this flu that I'm feeling. It's like a head cold with fever... very sucky: I have an exam tomorrow. I'm also having issues with my wisdom teeth. My head feels very hurty.
But other than that, all is well. I got a blue Lava Lamp from the Chancellor's scrap table... It's rocking my world right now. Tomorrow and Thursday are going to be busy. I'll throw up a nice to-do list tomorrow.
Once my head clears.
March 8, 2005
Past is past
So, I said in the last post that I was going to explain why last week was so bad. I'll just summarize it now, because It's done and over with, and re-hashing isn't really doing anything for me.
-work
-work in the theatre (on the same day as a test)
-wrote (and probably failed) that test
-re-write of a paper due
-computers assignment due (which I only got half done)
-2 full all nighters in a row
-memorizing lines
-stress over where I'm going to live next year.
I think that's it... oh, and the costume shopping incident, and a few other little things, most of which involved a lack of sleep.
This week should be a bit less stressful: today was a write off due to the huge snow storm we got. Stupid snow. It is MARCH!!! It should be RAIN!! Tomorrow, all I have to worry about is making a doc's appointment, and a meeting, plus regular class stuff. Wednesday will be awsome: I'm reading LIVE at 100 Georges! I can't decide what to read... once I do, I'll probably post it, or a link to what I read, so anyone whose not there can see what was said. Thursday is going to be rehersal crunch time, and friday will be the same, until Todd shows up, and with any luck, carries me off to a night of drunken stupidity. Sweetness.
Anyways, I'm exhausted. I cleaned up my room a bit today, which manage to involve 4 loads of laundry and a realization that I really, really need to vacuume sometime very soon.
I still feel lonely. I think that's going to be a running theme for a while now. I really want someone to lay with: someone to, not so much "come home to", but someone I can just be with for a while, and do nothing, or talk, or make out, or whatever. I mean, at 20 (less than 2 months to 21), I think that's a reasonable request: one serious, real, trusting relationship. Emotional security, AND all the fun sex stuff, and not having to split them up and make due with one OR the other... I want what a lot of other people around me have. I guess it's just hard. I know I'm busy, and I've been told I'm intimidating... I'm not sure why. Once people get to know me, they realize that I'm really just scared, confused and have very low self-esteem. I'm not so intimidating then, but people just don't take the time.
Alright, I'm off. I'll be back tomorrow with more of the same, I'm sure. Or, maybe something interesting will actually happen. Who knows.
-work
-work in the theatre (on the same day as a test)
-wrote (and probably failed) that test
-re-write of a paper due
-computers assignment due (which I only got half done)
-2 full all nighters in a row
-memorizing lines
-stress over where I'm going to live next year.
I think that's it... oh, and the costume shopping incident, and a few other little things, most of which involved a lack of sleep.
This week should be a bit less stressful: today was a write off due to the huge snow storm we got. Stupid snow. It is MARCH!!! It should be RAIN!! Tomorrow, all I have to worry about is making a doc's appointment, and a meeting, plus regular class stuff. Wednesday will be awsome: I'm reading LIVE at 100 Georges! I can't decide what to read... once I do, I'll probably post it, or a link to what I read, so anyone whose not there can see what was said. Thursday is going to be rehersal crunch time, and friday will be the same, until Todd shows up, and with any luck, carries me off to a night of drunken stupidity. Sweetness.
Anyways, I'm exhausted. I cleaned up my room a bit today, which manage to involve 4 loads of laundry and a realization that I really, really need to vacuume sometime very soon.
I still feel lonely. I think that's going to be a running theme for a while now. I really want someone to lay with: someone to, not so much "come home to", but someone I can just be with for a while, and do nothing, or talk, or make out, or whatever. I mean, at 20 (less than 2 months to 21), I think that's a reasonable request: one serious, real, trusting relationship. Emotional security, AND all the fun sex stuff, and not having to split them up and make due with one OR the other... I want what a lot of other people around me have. I guess it's just hard. I know I'm busy, and I've been told I'm intimidating... I'm not sure why. Once people get to know me, they realize that I'm really just scared, confused and have very low self-esteem. I'm not so intimidating then, but people just don't take the time.
Alright, I'm off. I'll be back tomorrow with more of the same, I'm sure. Or, maybe something interesting will actually happen. Who knows.
January 1, 2005
Strange Days...
Originally written Dec 29, 2004
Human beings have an incredable capacity for development and change. This is one thing that has always astounded me, and confused me. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that such change can be real; what with the superficial nature of our generation's ideals. However, when it's personal, internal change, you know. You can tell whether change is real, or something you are adopting for society's sake, or just to annoy your parents.
Change was a major theme for me last year, and it appears as though it will continue to be in 2005. Change in who I am, and in what I am.
Almost 6 months ago, Todd and I had a conversation about the difference between who you are, and what you are: what labels you apply to yourself. Saying something like: "I am a teacher" is a "what you are". Not long ago, I realized that who you are is an internal. It is something you are, that is undescribable, but it is constant. Though it evolves as you do, the basic principle will never change, no matter how much we try to ignore it, or force it to.
I discovered more about myself in the past month that I haven't had time to discuss. There have been things in the last few weeks that should have really frightened me, but haven't. There have been things that are changing, or that have already changed, and that I'm now accepting.
For the last couple weeks, I've been thinking about the possibility of…family. I look at the number of people I knew in grade school who are married with children, and sometimes I wonder if I'm falling behind. But the thought of having children of my own… It should have been scary. I decided when I was 10 that I was never, ever having kids of my own, and the reasons why have snowballed ever since. But when I thought the chance was there… I wasn't scared at all. I just, accepted it. Which was strange. It felt almost normal. Like it was something I should have been expecting anyways. Though, I suppose that may be biology or evolution… I am in my "prime childbearing years". And I'm starting to think that maybe someday I might want my own family. Right now, I'd settle for a home and a cat…
Which leads me to my next point. Home. There's a song by Three Day's Grace: "This house is not a home…I'm better off alone…" I'm starting to get that itch BADLY. The roomates have been… less than hospitable regarding my workschedual, and I'm aparently the one who has to bend because of it. Bending for work, for school, for friends, for myself… I'd bent enough to break when they made their move. I've realized that my life style just doesn’t include roomates, unless they know me. So, I'm searching for a place of my own, with walls I can paint, and dishes and groceries that are my own, and don't have to fit into my bar fridge and 3 shelves of space…
I've discovered that it's time for me to grow up. Or, that I have grown up, and I need my situation to reflect that. It's hard, and a little scary, but I think I'm ready for it. Finally.
Human beings have an incredable capacity for development and change. This is one thing that has always astounded me, and confused me. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that such change can be real; what with the superficial nature of our generation's ideals. However, when it's personal, internal change, you know. You can tell whether change is real, or something you are adopting for society's sake, or just to annoy your parents.
Change was a major theme for me last year, and it appears as though it will continue to be in 2005. Change in who I am, and in what I am.
Almost 6 months ago, Todd and I had a conversation about the difference between who you are, and what you are: what labels you apply to yourself. Saying something like: "I am a teacher" is a "what you are". Not long ago, I realized that who you are is an internal. It is something you are, that is undescribable, but it is constant. Though it evolves as you do, the basic principle will never change, no matter how much we try to ignore it, or force it to.
I discovered more about myself in the past month that I haven't had time to discuss. There have been things in the last few weeks that should have really frightened me, but haven't. There have been things that are changing, or that have already changed, and that I'm now accepting.
For the last couple weeks, I've been thinking about the possibility of…family. I look at the number of people I knew in grade school who are married with children, and sometimes I wonder if I'm falling behind. But the thought of having children of my own… It should have been scary. I decided when I was 10 that I was never, ever having kids of my own, and the reasons why have snowballed ever since. But when I thought the chance was there… I wasn't scared at all. I just, accepted it. Which was strange. It felt almost normal. Like it was something I should have been expecting anyways. Though, I suppose that may be biology or evolution… I am in my "prime childbearing years". And I'm starting to think that maybe someday I might want my own family. Right now, I'd settle for a home and a cat…
Which leads me to my next point. Home. There's a song by Three Day's Grace: "This house is not a home…I'm better off alone…" I'm starting to get that itch BADLY. The roomates have been… less than hospitable regarding my workschedual, and I'm aparently the one who has to bend because of it. Bending for work, for school, for friends, for myself… I'd bent enough to break when they made their move. I've realized that my life style just doesn’t include roomates, unless they know me. So, I'm searching for a place of my own, with walls I can paint, and dishes and groceries that are my own, and don't have to fit into my bar fridge and 3 shelves of space…
I've discovered that it's time for me to grow up. Or, that I have grown up, and I need my situation to reflect that. It's hard, and a little scary, but I think I'm ready for it. Finally.
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