Strange Days...

Originally written Dec 29, 2004

Human beings have an incredable capacity for development and change. This is one thing that has always astounded me, and confused me. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that such change can be real; what with the superficial nature of our generation's ideals. However, when it's personal, internal change, you know. You can tell whether change is real, or something you are adopting for society's sake, or just to annoy your parents.

Change was a major theme for me last year, and it appears as though it will continue to be in 2005. Change in who I am, and in what I am.

Almost 6 months ago, Todd and I had a conversation about the difference between who you are, and what you are: what labels you apply to yourself. Saying something like: "I am a teacher" is a "what you are". Not long ago, I realized that who you are is an internal. It is something you are, that is undescribable, but it is constant. Though it evolves as you do, the basic principle will never change, no matter how much we try to ignore it, or force it to.

I discovered more about myself in the past month that I haven't had time to discuss. There have been things in the last few weeks that should have really frightened me, but haven't. There have been things that are changing, or that have already changed, and that I'm now accepting.

For the last couple weeks, I've been thinking about the possibility of…family. I look at the number of people I knew in grade school who are married with children, and sometimes I wonder if I'm falling behind. But the thought of having children of my own… It should have been scary. I decided when I was 10 that I was never, ever having kids of my own, and the reasons why have snowballed ever since. But when I thought the chance was there… I wasn't scared at all. I just, accepted it. Which was strange. It felt almost normal. Like it was something I should have been expecting anyways. Though, I suppose that may be biology or evolution… I am in my "prime childbearing years". And I'm starting to think that maybe someday I might want my own family. Right now, I'd settle for a home and a cat…

Which leads me to my next point. Home. There's a song by Three Day's Grace: "This house is not a home…I'm better off alone…" I'm starting to get that itch BADLY. The roomates have been… less than hospitable regarding my workschedual, and I'm aparently the one who has to bend because of it. Bending for work, for school, for friends, for myself… I'd bent enough to break when they made their move. I've realized that my life style just doesn’t include roomates, unless they know me. So, I'm searching for a place of my own, with walls I can paint, and dishes and groceries that are my own, and don't have to fit into my bar fridge and 3 shelves of space…

I've discovered that it's time for me to grow up. Or, that I have grown up, and I need my situation to reflect that. It's hard, and a little scary, but I think I'm ready for it. Finally.