No More I Love You's.

Originally Written Dec 30, 2004.

I've made note in the past few posts that I'm making some changes. Not just because I want to, or because I need to, but I have to. My life is evolving, I'm evolving…

And I have no clue how to deal with it.

I wish I had a solid idea of what I'm leaping so readily into. I mean, the abstract is there, but the specifics are very blurry. Career, living arrangements, education… these fundamental pieces of my puzzle are sketchy at best. That's the scary part. I know what I want. I know what I should be working towards, but it doesn't seem to fit with reality.

You know, I think it would be nice to have someone beside me. Someone whose maybe gone through this stuff already who can help me. Someone who can offer encouragement, or at least help me focus. Everything's so… big. There seems to be a lot of bigness going on. Big changes.

My god, I just felt it. After high school, once I started fitting in, I got a ready feeling. A feeling like I was ready to move on. I just felt it again. Like, I'm really ready to start fresh, leave everyone behind and move on. I know the new life I will eventually start won't involve everyone currently in my life, but… this feels like a completeness. Like, with the exception of a possible 2 people, I could do it. I could walk away from it all and start fresh somewhere else. I'm thinking now about the things I would take with me. The leadership and confidance I have learned, strength, courage, wisdom… Faith. Faith in myself, because faith in others is difficult at best. I could start things, run projects.

I think I have to leave him. Todd, my…whatever you are to me, I think I'm soon going to have to leave you behind. I'm very scared of this… I don't want to. But I think, unless I get my chance at bat soon, I'm going to have to walk away from you and start fresh. After we talked, I felt healed, but with so much thought put into moving on… Could it be that you were just a phase in my life? Maybe that's the deeper issue… you're not willing yet to prove me wrong. We should talk. Soon.