December 7, 2011


Some days, it just gets hard to hide it.

I've been trying so hard... I've been forcing myself to keep up for so many reasons; fear of falling behind, and the repercussions, fear of letting someone down (my hubby, my family, my boss, my friends... invisible people in the audience).  You get used to keeping up appearances. 

The truth is, I'm not being overdramatic when I say I'm tired.  And I'm not tired in the "wow, I could use a nap" kind of way, I"m exhausted through my bones.  I'm so tired it's physically painful.  I can feel it in my feet, my hands, my shoulders, my jaw, my knees, my hips and my back.  It's in my fingers, my cheeks and my eyes.  It makes my thinking foggy, disorganized and unfocused.  It gives me headaches and stomach aches.  It makes my heart race.  It makes my words jumbled, and I've started typing words backwards and putting letters in the wrong order.

I'm putting this to virtual paper, because a couple of months ago I went to a doctor and told him all of this.  I told him that previously I'd told a nurse practitioner the same thing, and she said the wanted to test for fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis.  He told me he refused to do those kind of tests because there is no cure, so you have a diagnosis and that's it. 

I let it go.  Especially when I got sick.  I had other things to deal with.  Now... now it's interfering with my life.  I'm so tired I can't work.  If I push myself to work full 8 hour days, by mid-week I feel like I have the flu: my body aches, my head throbs, and all I want to do is sleep.  Nothing breaks it, not even a good night's sleep.

I've been able to handle this for a while, even working when I just want to curl up in bed.  But I've started to experience something much harder to live through: soul-crushing, crippling depression.  The meds don't quell it, and it comes in waves so... so pervasive...

Some days, it's hard to hide it.

I think that doctor was wrong.

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