October 18, 2009

so, we need to talk.

Here's the thing.

I started this so I could express myself. Recently, it seems I've been apologuizing for what I've been writing more than writing what I really feel.

Part of that is my obsessive need to apologuise for everything I do, sometimes before I've even done it.

Part of this is also the stuff that's been going on. I've felt more and more the need to censor myself, to shut up or "suck it up", as one of my former managers so eloquently put it. I am suprised by how much more repressed and put down I feel since I left a place where I felt that way every day because of someone else. Now, it's me doing it.

And more and more, I'm feeling the need to isolate myself. I don't want to go outside, I don't want to be around people. I don't want to go for a walk or a drive... Because i'm afraid. Because every time I've gone outside for the last few weeks, it seems like something else goes wrong. It seems like I turn around and someone else is slapping me in the face.

So, for the next little while, I'm just going to stay down. Let it all blow over. Hope that when I emerge, I won't have to say I'm sorry every time I think.

1 comment:

Tabetha said...

You could just yell out in the middle of the night at the top of a huge mountainous peak in North Bay, "FUCK YOU WORLD! I'M STILL HERE!".

That made me feel better... although I didn't do it in North Bay.

Don't be afraid to write down what you feel - unedited. Raw emotion is the truest emotion, and you can't hide behind it, just own up to it. :) You are not the only one feeling that way... not by a long shot.

When you want to hide is when you should truly get up and face the world. It can be a scary place, but so is a world that forgets you exist!