October 15, 2009

Fries with that?

My cheque was on hold at the bank. When I transfered it so I could pay rent, I realized that I have $20 to my name.

I've been having mild panic attacks since, wondering what's going to happen in November when I can't find the $700 to pay rent. I told Adam I was worried. He said "don't stress about it".

So I'm not. I'm not stressing about it, because right now, there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm just going to sit here and feel overwhelmingly hopeless, angry and miserable.

I don't need to get out of bed tomorrow. Adam has the car for work. Cause, you know, he does that. So, I'm going to just stay in bed tomorrow. all day. Because you know what? I keep thinking that things can't get any worse, but then they do. So, if I just don't get out of bed tomorrow, things cannot possibly get any worse.

And, not that you'll read this now, because the only reason you ever read this was to look for reasons to fire me for fun... but I'm still angry at you for making me feel like this... fearful, pathetic and useless. You never will EVER know how you made me feel, because you don't believe it's real. It is. And I'm still Angry. Very angry.

Not that it really matters.


Anonymous said...

I come an go and read some of the shit you write. Do you ever smile or have a good time because the way you write and tell your stories you make it seem like you got it sooo bad! I think that you need to get your ass out of bed an go into the fresh air and wake up!! You dont have it bad, you are NOT dying a slow, slow death like you make it seem. Have a look around at all the other people that have it worse and strugle just that little bit more than you.

This is just my 2 cents.


guy in the back row that no one seems to notice.

Sparky said...

for a guy with some pretty bold things to say, I still find it interesting that you've never identified yourself.

You think I don't know that people struggle more than I do? Of course I know that. I'm not as stupid as you seem to think I am.

This is supposed to be a place for me to talk without sensorship, without having to worry about what people think. Because, as I've very recently found out, I can't do that ANYWHERE ELSE without people like you opening your silly faces and pointing out what a horrible person I am.

Obviously, I'm wrong. Obviously, there is no safe place to wallow in the luxury of "misery", even if it's false, even for a few minutes.

You know what? If you don't like what you read, stop reading it. I promise you, I won't miss another "anonymous" bystander in my life.

Anonymous said...

See this is where you misunderstand. Just saying that you need to chill, open your eyes, take a deep breathe and smell the flowers(so to speak). LIVE!

I once was in a shell. Stuck! (help let me out!). Finally said F*CK it and got out. Started living.


An i never once said or thought you were a horrible person or stupid for that matter. I just always thought you deserved bettter.

Take it how you like. Some people read stuff one way and then there is the other. I dunno :S.


Ginny said...

Anonymous - I don't think she "misunderstood" if you are the author of the original comment. You came off as harsh, rude, and condesending. You called her written thoughts and ideas "shit".

Good on you for clearing up your intended response (if it is you). I suggest making sure you re-read what you write before posting if you don't want to sound like an asshole.

Just a thought.

Anonymous said...

Well think of "SHIT" as her putting herself down, beating herself up and making it seem like she is such a bad person!