June 9, 2009

Home Maker...

Today was pretty much horrible. Couldn't stay awake because I was exhausted, because I can't sleep well when people from Sudbury are coming to the branch, even if Dave's one of them. Couldn't calm down because Sue and Dave were there, and Sue takes my anxiety to the same level as Louise does anymore. Plus, the contractors were there, and the renos at the back were done WRONG, so they will need to be re-done, which means that this whole thing is going to take longer, and now there saying it'll be another month before I get my training room back... GAH.

So I was a tired ball of stressed out nerves, so I couldn't focus on anything. I spent most of the day reading a book because I couldn't do anything else without wanting to cry. I had things that I needed to do, but I couldn't. I wanted OUT.

So, after work, I picked Adam off, dropped him off at work, and I was listening to CBC Radio One. Blame Adam for this one, it's all he ever listens to that isn't club-pop. Anyways, so they had a woman on the radio who had completed her Master's Thesis on how women are molded by advertising, focusing on WWI when Lysol was marked as a feminine Hygiene product that you drink to keep your family safe. (I can't make this stuff up...) Anyways, so the Host, Dan Lessard, played Melanie Doane's song "Happy Home Maker" right after that segment... I really really kind of identified with the lyrics...

Maybe I'd be happy to let it all go
Dedicate my life to making jelly molds
Learn to cook and learn to sew
I'm a Happy Homemaker

Why have I been pushing so hard
when I could be out in the backyard
Letting down my hair
letting down my guard
I'm a Happy Homemaker

Barefoot and pregnant
never looked so good
We're all dying to take our shoes off
Never what we want
it's always what we should
Ahhh, I'm a Happy Homemaker

Maybe it'll be different this time round
We'll put to use the wisdom
I hope we've found
Like to lose the crap
without losing ground
I'm a Happy Homemaker

Barefoot and pregnant
never looked so good
We're all dying to take our shoes off
Gone so far the other way
We're scared to be our mothers
and we're scared of going soft

I thought about it a lot... How happy I would be to "let it all go" (not so much the pregnant thing, but the barefoot thing sounds awesome). I need a job where staying at home in my pajamas is a good plan.

Sue freaks me right out. She reminds me of Mrs. McGreggor from grade 4, where it's like no matter what you do, it's wrong. She squeels to Louise about everything, and when I give her an answer to a question, she immediatly calls Louise to "double check". Louise is getting better, but still the thought of her being there tomorrow makes me ill... even if it is just for a few hours. Driving home tonight, I swore I'd broken out in hives. My face is totally broken out, I smell, and I look like a greasy teenager... and I'm stuttering and twitching! I just feel aweful.

So, I got home, still thinking about the Happy Home Maker, feeling gross and miserable, so I decided to do the one thing every little girl dreams about when she'd feeling sad... Ice Cream for dinner. I started to feel a bit better so I decided I need a nap... but I kept having these horrible dreams that I was suffocating and drowning... I woke up spluttering and coughing like I was really drowning. It was horrible. I woke up more tired than I was before.

I give up. I don't know what to do from here. I feel like I"m going loopy.

I'm going to bed now, and I"m going to dream about being a kept woman like you see on CSI, where some rich husband brings home money, and I just keep myself entertained by the pool.

Or I'm just going to dream about drowning or falling off a cliff or something equally as traumatic.

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