July 2, 2008

warning: whining within, read at own risk.

I hate everything SO HARD today.

Last night I had yet another one of those moments where I look at people and their body language and things that have gone on, and I got into this whole thing again about how I"m "that girl". If you've ever seen Dane Cook, you know about "that guy" or "that girl", the one that you're not really friends with, but who just kinda hangs around anyways... The one whom you invite to get group rates, or the one you keep around just in case. I don't know if it's just a fuzzy internal monologue coming from weeks of Rain Rain Rain, or if it's just a general feeling of not fitting in, but I feel like I"m "that girl". In fact, I haven't felt it this much since High School, and I'm convinced that I was right then.

And really, today wasn't totally horrible. I filed some more, and I made a HUGE dent in the crazy piles of paper. Then I checked my bank account to make sure I could afford gas. I really, really can't. I mean, tomorrow's pay day, and so is Friday, but still... I keep coming back to the amount of money I owe, and the amount I will continue to owe, and the amount I'm about to owe... It is really actually kind of painful.

It's just another point in time where I'm thinking about getting out. I had a dream last night that, and of all people I don't know why it was him... Jason got into York (which he has applied for, so, lets hope for a good omen there at least...), and he got this crazy 3 year scholarship to do some fantastic creative journalistic arts program that only like 15 people actually get in to... And my heart literally broke. At first I thought it was lonliness at the thought of another person leaving, then I realized that maybe it was that I hadn't left yet. Maybe it was that nagging thought that the reason I stay in North Bay isn't actually real. Maybe it's all some romantic grand illusion that some day I'll get the fantastic job and the fantastic apartment and finish my novel.

Maybe I just need to go somewhere that isn't saturated through with Rain Rain RAIN. Maybe I just need... something. I feel a distinctive needing. for what I'm not sure, but it's not a wanting this time. It's a need, like digging your way out from under a house. You need the air, and you have enough to work, but every now and then the tunnel collapses just a little more and you wonder if you'll ever get out.

Anyways, lunch is over, and it's back to filing for me. I'm doing laundry tonight, and I'll be working at CT after work for the rest of the week... maybe the rest of my life. How long can Sparky go without sleep? We'll see...

1 comment:

Onii said...

Never heard the "that guy/girl" monologues, but sometimes I feel that way too. Lots of the time, actually. You know that usually the only time I get Wall posts is when I say something first? It's... I don't know. *hugs you and hides from the world*