May 22, 2008

Holding pattern

I can't decide if it was actual food poisoning or just the overwhelming, stomach churning, deep, sense of... I can't even think of the word. It's that feeling on slow implosion, stop motion collapse, like that internal gut feeling, knowing that the dirt is crumbling out from under your feet but there's nothing you can do. Like clawing your way out from under garbage as they keep dumping more and more on top of you.

Or, like I say, it could have been the food poisoning. If it even was food poisoning... I'm not quite sure. Either way, at about 3am this morning it hit, and I was out of commission. Literally... So I'm working tomorrow instead.


Oh god, get me out of this. I don't care how you do it, just get me out. God, please, help me... I need a house and a job and about a million dollars to be ok. I don't think there's any way to be ok. I'm not ok
I'm not ok
I"m not ok

Why? I thought I'd graduate, get a job, stay here with my relly and we'd be ok. I"d work 9-5 and be poor for about 5 years until things were level.

Now, I have NO job, nowhere to live, and things aren't level... not even a little.

I don't think I can do this. The longer it goes, the more I just want to lay down and give up... My whole body is just falling apart. My skin, my joints, my back... Every thing is just falling apart.

When does it end?

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