This is a message for all tenants.
If you plan to submit a complaint to us, please be advised of the following.
1. We will no longer accept complaints that are not letters or faxes, typed, in at least 12pt. Times New Roman font, or an equivalent, legible font. We REFUSE to accept Phone Calls, irate messages on our voicemails, or hand-written notes scribbled on cocktail napkins.
2. If you decide to call anyways, expect to be put on hold. If you're so rediculously determined to get a hold of us that you're on hold for 15 minutes, see #1, and give your head a shake or two. We're not going to talk to you, so you may as well save your local minutes.
3. If you're not our tenant, don't complain to us. We're not going to do anything. Call the police.
4. If you're our tenant, and you're complaining about someone who is not our tenant, don't complain to us. We're not going to do anything. Call the police.
5. If you call and ask for details about one of our tenants, and you don't have signed consent, we're not going to talk to you, no matter how much you yell.
6. If you file criminal charges against our tenants, don't bother calling us. We're not going to give you a cookie or anything, you're just wasting our time.
7. If you want to file criminal charges against our tenants, call the police. We're not the police, and we're not going to call them for you.
8. If you're calling about children under the age of 18, don't even fucking bother calling us. Call CAS, call the cops, and maybe concider talking to the kids parents. That's EXACTLY what we're going to tell you to do.
9. Don't exaggerate. It doesn't help your cause, and it just pisses us off.
10. If you're complaining, but you did something wrong too, piss off. We don't want to deal with you.
11. If you're complaining, and you owe us more than $10 in rent, expect an arrears letter, dumbass.
12. If you can't resolve it between yourselves, what makes you think we can? We're not God, we're not the cops, we're not the principle, we're not your parents, and we're not your fucking babysitters. Deal with your own shit.
13. Ask a stupid question, expect a stupid answer.
14. If you don't get the answer you want, it's because you want the wrong answer. Don't ask to speak to the CEO, she'll just laugh at you.
15. Fuck off. Just, Generally, Fuck off.
Also, in regards to leases, don't bother showing up if you don't have an appointment. Call and make one. We're more than happy to accomidate people who are willing to be respectful to the fact that we're fucking busy, especially at the end of the month. We will not drop everything to accomidate you, because we're damed sure you wouldn't do that for us.
This all stems from an incident today where our Student/Assistant stabbed a tenant to death with a pen, screaming "I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER".
Her pen was replaced by mid afternoon, and we're concidering hiring her full time.
If you do not expect the same fate, abide by the rules above. Remember, she knows where you live.
Much Love and Affection,
The Complaints department.