May 5, 2007

f*ck.

First, thanks to everyone who has been all support-y over the last few posts. Y'all make me smile! Especially Beatrix (Ducky), who I know is posting comments to keep herself from going insane. Huzzah!

I have the house to myself tonight, and I spent it downstairs watching TV, and here watching YouTube. God, I miss people. You know, I didn't even drink tonight (too many calories...)

Actually, the reason I'm writing tonight is... well, I can't keep it in my head, and there's no one here except the cat, and he and I don't really see eye to eye...

So, over the last few years, I've mentioned the compulsive skin picking. It's gotten better, and worse, depending on what's going on. Sometimes it's controlable. Right now, not. Not even a little.

I realized tonight that one of my worse teenaged fears has, or is coming true. I used to think that every pore on my body was filled with that white, greasy gunk. I used to be terrified that no matter where I squeezed, something would come out, and that my entire body was just one big zit. Tonight, my "safe zone" just became a major hazard area. The skin just below my neck, at my collar bone, has rings, like in-grown necklaces. they go right around from one side to the other, and they're all pockets of... well, zit. spot. gunk. crap. White Poison. And with this discovery, I can actually, honestly say that there is not one pore on my body that isn't actually a blackhead, or a zit waiting to happen.

It sounds irrational. I know this. But it's true. Once I get my camera back (needs batteries), I'll show you, and I'll be able to show you that the same white poison that comes out of the spots on my chest is what's coming from my nose, my chin, my face in total, my legs, my arms, my butt, my ears, and now my neck.

And with this new crop of stretch marks on my legs and gut, I've pretty much decided that it will take a whole-body wax and glycolic peel to correct this mess. Not to mention the dermabrasion to remove YEARS of scarring (no, not just Devin's artwork...) from my face and chest, and some serious plastic surgery to make my butt crater-less.

See, these are the days I hunt for appetite supressants, girdles and online dating services...

mur.

3 comments:

Beatrix said...

*hugs*

Anonymous said...

honestly? that sounds like some kind of allergic reaction to something. it could be as simple as the water in your shower (too hard, too soft etc). Might be time to go visit a dermatologist though, no reason for it to stay like that. I think you are gorgeous. And awesome. And screw what you weigh, who cares what size. You dont need girdles or anything else. Remember i love you.
megs

Colleen said...

I don't know much about the 'picking' issue, so I don't have sage advice or anything.

I can say this: (whether or not it means anything to you is your call, ladylove) I think you're gorgeous just as you are scars, spots and silly hair included. Girdles need not apply, etc.