December 4, 2006


So, my alarm didn't go off this morning. That's fine, really, as I had nothing to get up for. So I'm lying in bed, and I start thinking about what I have to do today. And as I'm lying in bed, thinking about the things I need to do today, I realize that, wow, the ceiling really is getting pretty crumbly. And then I get up and look out the window, and realize that at this time next year, I'll be looking out a totally different window, if there are windows at all.

Then I had a panic attack.

So, obviously, I haven't left the house today, and I don't plan to, unless I know I"m going somewhere where I can do the healthy thing and ignore all of this. So far, I've spent the last 3 hours manically cleaning. Though it's a good thing, I feel really, really... I don't know. Guilty? Dirty? something just feels wrong. Like there's a piece missing.

As I was taking my pin-board apart (I do that now and then), I found the postcard mom and dad sent me when I got the job... I put it away. I gathered up all of my pay stubs, and put them away. I put a bunch of my ill-fitting jeans and dress pants in the bin for the women's centre. I threw out a bunch of stuff. I dusted, and I vacuumed as best I could. There's still a 2-foot-high pile of stuff on my bed, and my desk hasn't been tackled yet, but right now I feel like I"m losing my mind.

Losing your mind, I'm finding, is like looking at yourself in a dirty mirror... the image is there, but something is just off.. So I cleaned all my mirrors and windows, but something is still wierd. I don't look the same now as when I'm heading out, and I glance in the mirror to make sure everything's spackled into place... Now I look old. God, I look about 10 years older. I feel about 10 years older. My back is out of allignment, but I can't afford chiropractic care. Something in me is breaking down, but I can't tell what it is. It's like knowing that you're getting sick, but not knowing with what, or what to do about it.

I'm going to clear off my bed, and maybe just curl up for a few hours. I have a test tomorrow to study for, but that won't take long. Other than that, I'll be here.

In body, if not in mind, I will be here.

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