December 4, 2006

Hiding Under My Bed.

This is a note to anyone who has, or has thought about, questioning my decision to hide under my bed today.

I'm an adult with a Psych degree studying the basics of Social Work. I'm very much aware that hiding under my bed will NOT make my problems go away. I understand why you would suggest hitting my problems head on. I totally get the reasoning behind that.

Thing is: for the last 3-4 months, I've been hitting everything head on. My head can't take any more. I've done a hell of a lot for me, for this town, for everyone. My car is falling apart, yet I drive people across the country side. I have NO time for anything, yet I make time for you at the expense of my mental health. I helped throw together a bake-sale in less than 48 hours, and Still worked and gathererd donations. And then I got fired. I found out that I have to start, not only looking for a new job, but looking for a new HOME come January. I'm flat broke, and I have 2 finals and 3 exams within the next 3 weeks. When I get home, I don't get a vacation, because I have to work shifts to make some money to get my car fixed.

Given all of that, if you still have the audacity to question my decision to hide under the bed today, please, let me know. I need a vent for all of my frustration, my anger, my sadness, my fear and my self-loathing... Just don't be shocked when I get violent.

For the rest of you, thank you for your understanding. A lot of people don't get it: that I'm this wierd sort of perfectioninst. I really don't know what happened this time, but I've never been fired from a job before. For any reason. I've quit, but that was only at the point that I recognized that I just couldn't possibly do the job. I've never really had to look for a place in North Bay by my self, and the job search thing is really, really, REALLY sucky. Some people understand why collapsing under the weight of this kind of pressure is socially acceptable. Others breeze past it, or believe the phrase "well, get over it... just suck it up..." will fix things.

I will. I will just get over it, and I will suck it up and press on. I just need a day... this one day to let things sink in before I can plan for battle, before I can face the outside world. Most of the time, when people crack like this, they end up institutionalized.

Right now, it doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

1 comment:

Beatrix said...

Sometimes we just need a bit of time to recoup and recharge. Life whill still be there tomorrow, but sometimes some time to ourselves doing something - anything else - makes all the difference. So, take you time, take care of yourself. Juts let me know if you're going to be under there for any longer than a few days; I'll bring you food. Flat food, so I can slide it under the bedroom door. (Read Microserfs for the reference. Same situation, except the guy is in his office.)