August 25, 2006


Mommy... When I grow up, I wanna be a Pussy Cat Doll.

God, their hot.

Moving on...

I'm bored. It's almost 1am, and I'm bored, and I can't sleep, and I'm not hungry, and my legs are cramped from sitting on the floor for too long.

Blahblahblahblah. I really have nothing to say, and, though I probably could be packing or doing dishes or something, I really don't want to do anything. I think I have another one of those writing blockages... I remember a time when I would use moments like this to write until my hand cramped and the candle burnt out. Now, I've got nothin. I mean, it's like it's all moving too fast, and I'm covered in elastic bands and can't stretch them enough to move. Once again, I feel like I'm in a cage, and I don't know why.

Anyways, I'm looking at Dalhousie's online academic calander right now. No, I'm not abandoning Canadore (or Ontario)... I'm just... I don't know, exploring. Here's the thing: A while back, Angela and I discovered that I'm a certificate junkie. I look for physical representations that I have accomplished something within my community, and that people appreciate that. I look for something tangeable to mark my personal accomplishments with. And the more I think about it, the more I start to realize that I might not be happy with what I thought I was going to be happy with: a B.A., a couple of diplomas and some certifications. Eventually, I might actually want to persue a B.S.W., and maybe even an M.S.W (Ph.D., for me, might be reaching over the moon...), so I want to start looking into distance-ed. type options and things like that. Athabasca had some sort of certificate in Counceling, a certificate in Women's Counceling, and a Master's program which looked ok.

And for the record, I know that I'm spelling Counceling wrong. I don't have to spell it right for at least another 2 weeks.

Either way... I don't know. I don't think I'm going to be happy until I've got a wall coated in those pieces of paper that people are trying to convince me not to take too much stock in. I know, it seems silly. It's just paper. I mean, they made a friggin movie about a kid who creates his own U, so how big a deal can it really be?

I guess, for me, it's just a way of finally proving that I know stuff. I know things, they are in my head, sometimes they just don't come out right. And that I do work hard. I don't just coast, and it's not all dumb luck. I do try, and someone notices enough to put it on a piece of paper I can frame and dust and point to and say "look what I did". I don't know what it stems back to, more than likely it's something in my childhood (it usually is), and it's probably superficial (it *always* is), but it's important to me. So, that's why those blue pages Nathan used to bring home rewarding him for "positive escalations" got me keyed up, and that's why I still have them. And, yes, I will give them back to him when I see him...

And now, on an almost compleatly unrelated note...

I really need sleep. I have to get up early tomorrow to prepare myself for getting up early for the following 2 days. Acutally, the course might be a nice ease-back-in thing... prep for getting back to actual class work.

Ok, I think I can sleep now. Maybe. If not, I'll just stare at the cieling for a few hours.

That'll be fun, too...

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