A million nothings to do.

You know, I think I'm ok.

I was kinda panicky today about not getting everything done that I wanted to get done this weekend. But, I think, reasonably, I'm actually ok.

I feel ok about tomorrow's midterm, even if I didn't really study. It's Bradshaw, how hard can it be?

I got the Law assn. done... well, enough that I can check my answers again tomorrow, and make sure I'm right this time.

And I keep forgetting that I don't have rehearsals this week. I don't have to panic about not finding time to study or whatever, because I actually have extra time this week. I think.

So, really, I'm ok. I'm just a little boxed in. I feel overwhelmed because things look cluttered, regardless of whether the clutter is real or not... they're just there, staring me in the face, even though I know I can't do anything but wait until the due date is past to start worrying about the next one.

So, here it is... 11pm. Bed time, I guess.

So why do I get the feeling Hell Week's going to be worse than I thought?

Right now

Right now, I just want to let it all go.

I don't want to go back. Mom and dad will have to force me onto that bus tomorrow... I don't think I can do it. I can't stop crying. I broke down in the middle of masonville on Friday, and I haven't been able to stop yet.

I just want to live out the rest of my life curled into a ball under my bed. I would seriously concider dropping out if it wasn't so stupid. What kind of moron drops out a month before graduating? And just because it's paper crunch... I survive it every year, so what happened this time? How did I wind up this bad?

Nathan is the only positive thing bringing me back to north Bay right now. I mean, I know that I have my friends at Nip, but right now, I could be willing to let all of that go. I could be very easily convinced. I could forget all about Canadore and be one of those "waste of flesh" people Dad and I were talking about, who just flips burgers or works in a factory for the rest of their miserable lives.

No I couldn't. I can't even do that.

I can't even hide under my bed, because I'm too afraid.

What do I do now?

Not not sane.

Today was the day I met with Dr. Cochran. It was... difficult. This is what I said to Nathan on the bus on the way home:

It feels like I'm in the middle of Idaho screaming in Japanese. Everyone knows I'm screaming, and no one understands why. I mean, they can tell by how I sound how I feel, but they just don't understand why. And, eventually, when people start ignoring you, you start to wonder why you're yelling in the first place, or if you should be yelling at all.

That is really how I feel. I mean, I've started to wonder if I should even be looking for help, or if I'm just whining about reality...whatever that is. I mean, The doc didn't make me feel like I was waisting his time, I just... I don't know. The fact that I felt totally intimidated by him didn't really help.

Either way, he's changing my medication. For the next 10 days, I'll be dropped to 150mg of Effexor (I'm at 225 right now). Then I'll be at 75mg for 10 days, the I'll go for 2 days with nothing in my system. He calls it a "wash-out period". That's the bit that scares me a little. I know that this drug causes withdrawl. That's something I REALLY don't want to be dealing with during the paper crunch or exams. But, I'm hoping that the next step will work. After the 2 day wash-out, I'll be on 10mg of Celexa. Aparently, Celexa is supposed to work better than Effexor (according to some friends of mine that are on it), and the side effects shouldn't be as bad. I'll be on that for 2 weeks, then up to 20mg. Then we decide whether I have to go up more or not... probably no more than 40mg. Which, honestly, doesn't sund near as scary as what I'm on.

All I know is I don't like feeling how I've felt the last couple of weeks. I barely have the energy to get out of bed... Motivation comes and goes without warning... I just want to be able to function like a normal, healthy human being.

In other news: I'm going home on Thursday. Yep, I'll get on the bus Thursday at noon, and I"ll be at Yorkdale by 5pm, then home for the weekend by 7pm. I'll be back Sunday night. I just need to go home. I want my dog, and my mom, and just a little bit of home for a while.

That's all for now... Now, go bug someone else, Red! ;)

Feeding the Soul

What a hell of a week.

Obviously, given the content of my last few posts, I'm getting to that burnt-out place that everyone hates, but I always get to way too quickly. What's worse, I've seem to adopted the habbit of bad footing... I've got one foot in my mouth, and the other all over other people's toes! Sorry if I've caused any undue havok, guys.

Anyways, I came home tonight after a whole lot of rehersing, and a rather rediculous day at work, not to mention getting my baby back from Canadian Tire, and I felt kinda... strung out. I kinda thought about just going right to bed. Instead, I decided to grab a song from LimeWire... an old one I loved years back from the Odds called "Eat My Brain" (go figure). Found that, and a whole WHACK of other acoustic tunes, covers and the like, including a few musical orgasms: Melissa Ethridge doing Janice Joplin's "Another piece of my Heart", as well as Melissa Ethridge doing a duet of "Bring me some Water" with Joan Osbourn, who digs RIGHT into it. *drools*.

I deserved tonight. I mean, a night of singing along with classics, and a rather stirring live-acoustic version of "Behind these Hazel Eyes" which rocked my sox off. That, and I had money left over for gummi bears, which Andrew helped me pay for when I was short a loonie. (only because I left my wallet in the theatre).

So...yeah. I feel better now. I mean, the next few weeks are still going to be a pain in the kiester, but what can you do, really? I mean, I just need to knuckle down. But, I need to take breaks like this more too. Just groovin.

Mmmm... Gummi Bears...

Hell Day, and the great Quest

Hell Day is that one day out of the term that every student experiances. This is the day when you realize that if you don't get everything done by tomorrow, you're screwed. For some poor souls, this day is actually a week. For me, it probably should have been a weekend...

The Great Quest for today is to get everything finished, even if I have to drown in coffee doing it. Nathan is here, making sure that nothing distracts me, and that I have nothing to worry about other than my work.

The Notebook is first. This one will likely be divided into segments: first, finish the script aspect. Second, the detailing, and third, the 1000 word essay explaining my choices. The essay will be dead simple, as everything I've done/changed was for a specific reason.

The Dictionary Report will be next, as it's the next shortest of the projects. It shouldn't take me more than an hour, and is relativly straight forward.

The Essay-Essay, that one will be a challenge. However, I've switched my book from Ivanhoe to 1984, and Caroline said that it's an easy read. All I have to do is prove that it's a romance, and Wikipedia will be helpful in that.

Really, it's not that much. It's noon now... I'm hoping to get all of this done with some time left over to study for the exam tomorrow.

Nathan is so awsome. He wants to do anything to help me. Sometimes I feel like I"m abusing that privilage, but he assures me that I'm not, and that helping me makes him happy, because it takes a load off my back.

I'll likely post again when I have everything done, and again at least once before I leave for the holidays. Seeing as North Bay is under about a foot of snow right now... I won't be going anywhere today.

Onward with the Quest!

9pm Update:

Well folks, 9 hours have passed, and part of the journey is complete. The "Notebook" part of the notebook is done, just lacking illustrations and notes which can be put in later on, and the essay part is nearing completion. I've read a summary of 1984, and I'm almost certain I can prove that it is a romance of sorts. I anticipate that within 2 hours, I'll be able to start that adventure.

As usual, things are taking a little longer than expected, but that's ok. I figured this would be an all nighter anyways, so I'm ready for it. After the essay, I'll whip up the report, then read some summaries of the novels from the course. That should be enough to refresh what memory I have.

For the Greater Good

This post could also be refered to as Productivity at the Expense of Academia, or Mother Was Right...

Today begins "Le Suck: Season of the Unending Migrane". But why today? Because by the time the tests, assignmetns and exams are over, I'll be knee deep in Christmas shopping, wrapping, family and food.

Pass the Eggnog.

Nathan threw a very mild kitizzle at me this morning... So together, we came up with a compromise. Today, we shall accomplish things, in exchange for other things. He will exchange lying on the couch watching Troy for going to Yes! Employment services to update his resume, and then going Christmas shopping on what's left of his paycheque, and I will clean, study and make up my journals in exchange for Romance, the class that I no longer enjoy attending, Nanoing (which is beginning to look like a lost cause) and wild procrastination. THIS is not procrastination...It's a warm-up.

So, what needs to be done today?
1.Clean my room. Mom was right, I'm a slob. I accept that. Now I'm getting sick of it, and I'm running out of clean clothes again. So, unless I go on a shopping spree with the $0 I have, I'd better fire up the wash machines.

2. Study for Psych of Ed. The test itself shouldn't be too difficult, as I already knew a fair chunk of the material, and the rest of it is pretty common sense stuff. Nathan is coming back before 5pm to help me, so I'm going to be making up notes for that soon.

That may be all I get to today, as after class, Nathan and I have to make an apperance at Evolution Night Club for his cousin's birthday bash. His cousin is the bouncer, so there may be some cover/drink cost shenanigans, which could be a good thing.

Tomorrow, I will be: (after class)
1. Writing my kid lit journals. I seriously have NO inspiration for them. Like, I know what I want to say, I just don't know how to say it.

2. Reading the SparkNotes version on Ivanhoe for my romance paper. I know, I know... but as long as it's done, I can over-look the moral implications.

3. Starting my PSL essay. We've covered most of the material in class, it's just a matter of putting it together in a paper.

4. Starting my director's notebook. Nathan may be helping me with this, but not in an official context. More in a scribe context. He's a slow typer, but he works for kisses.

The Assignment I have for myself, should I get ANY of this accomplished, is my Nano. "Night of the Nano" died as fast as it was born. I can't remember if I actually updated my word count or not, but either way, I think I"m still short of 10K. I should be at 20K by now to be ontop of things. I'm sure Heather's done by now... *grumble* Either way, Like the Man, Chris Baty, says, Week Three sees the birth of many an Underdog, and I tend to be the queen of the underdog play.

Right, so Laundry. I'll update tomorrow when I've actually accomplished something. I'm good at making plans and lists, it's the followthru I need to work on.

*sigh*