Sorry for the length between posts. I'm back at home and back on dial-up, so posts may be few and far between.
I met with Dr. Meek. He seems nice enough, and he gave me an exercise to work with. He said that my modles for dealing with certian emotions are out of whack, and that I need to create new ones. It made sense when he explained it to me, and I've been trying to so the exercises, but part of it involves immersing yourself in an emotion, identifying it, re-emmersing and trying to decide if that's the real emotion, or if there's something else behind it. And that's all well and good, and it worked when I was with him. But here, now, I'm worried that if I immerse myelf in some of the things I feel, I won't be able to pull myself back out.
I thought I was starting to feel better. I thought I'd found somehting that I could work with. Now I'm not so sure. It seems like every time I take a step forward, something sets me three steps back.
Right now, I'm trying to keep myself awake for a few more hours. I start on midnights tomorrow at 11pm, so I'll need to be able to stay up until at least 4-5am tonight to be able to make it to 7am Monday morning. Mom, dad and the dog are at the cottage, and I've officially dubbed Ash and Josh the "Thumper and Bumper" of the south. It's not bad enough that the day after I left from thanksgiving holidays, she'd taken my brand new bed apart, moved it into her room and given me her old day bed with the shoddy mattress, but now I have to listen to them break it in. Yuck.
I still feel trapped in my own skin. The weight won't come off because I can't stop myself from eating (which Dr. Meek brought up like he was expecting me to say it), I'm spending more money than I have (gift certificates for my birthday), and... everything's still moving way too fast, with everyone here looking to me for answers I don't have. I'm seriously thinking about running away to the cottage for a weekend by myself. Mom and I went for a couple of days last week, but it wasnt enough. Of course, I can't go by myself, because mom and I discovered that there's a bee's nest somewhere on the roof, and bees are crawling in through the skylight, and I'm petrified of bees. I just want to be somewhere where there is no one but me.
Strangely, I don't think I'm ever going to be able to do that.
I may just suffocate.