I got really angry. Nathan sent me an email tonight that said that if I came over to his house tonight, he'd let me pick all I wanted, because I've been under so much stress lately. I felt like he was using the picking as an incentive to get me to go to his house.
So I got angry. Then I cried. Then I zoned out. Then I cried, then I spent a good 20 minutes trying not to hit anything.
Then I gutted my room. I took all of my books off the shelf, and packed them into a crate. I cleared off my desk shelves, and my wicker shelf, and took the wicker shelf downstairs. I started pitching everything that was garbage, and throwing clothes I don't wear into another bag. I put some of Nathan's stuff in a box where the shelf used to be. I cleared off my dresser, threw out all of the dried roses, and cleared out all of the drawers in my dresser.
Now I'm physically tired, but I feel like I'm going to explode. My arms and my hands and my legs are heavy, my shoulders and hips feel like they're cast iron. I feel dizzy and nauseous again, and my stomach is cramping.
I'm still mad. Should'nt that have been cathartic? So why can't I stop shaking? everything feels like it's going a million miles a minute. I didn't want to post here, because I was afrai of who would read it. I couldn't call Nathan, because he'd get upset. I can't call mom, because I don't know what to tell her, and she's too far away to do anything. I can't talk to Mike, because I think that would just make me even angrier. I don't have anywhere to go, and I think I missed the last Birchaven out to Nathan's. If I was going over there, I would want to spar when he gets home, and at that point, I don't think that would be healthy for either of us.
I couldn't calm down last night either. I had a screwdriver, and then I felt better, but then I couldn't get out of bed in time for lab this morning, so I missed the last Kid Lit lab of the year. My exam was a mess. I'm totally wired, and I don't know what to do. I'm not hungry, but when I made myself eat something earlier, I got impatient with it, and then felt sick after. I want to lie down and go to sleep, but I feel like if I do, I'll just start crying again.
I really don't know what to do here, but I know that this can't go on. I can't focus on anything. it took me a good 5 minutes during the exam to be able to focus enough to read the question, and I had to read it 6 times before it registered. I can't work on my essay, because then I'll be stationary, adn looking through journals, and that will just piss me off even more.
I'm losing my mind. My body is wrong. I'm exhausted.
What the hell do I do now??
If you're going to screw it up, do it BIG... people will think you're doing it on Purpose.
Showing posts with label body focused repetitive behaviours. Show all posts
Showing posts with label body focused repetitive behaviours. Show all posts
April 4, 2006
April 28, 2005
Old News: Cookies and Creams...
Created on: 4/27/2005, 11:41 AM
I'm currently making cookies. Oatmeal Chocolate Chip with Coconut. I'm doing it for 2 reasons: one, because I have an insane amount of cooking supplies that I brought home from North Bay that I need to make use of, and two, because it keeps my hands busy.
I went to the doctor's yesterday to get my Effexor refilled, and finally managed to gather the courage to talk to her about the…spots on my chest. Most of you know about them. It's a skin condition, or so I say. Really, it's only minor (very minor) acne. But it's what I do to it that makes it look like it does now. I can't stop picking at them. I know, it's gross, but I can't help it. I know I'm causing a lot of damage (most of them are infected), but I just can't stop myself. I'll spend hours squeezing and pulling off scabs so they can't heal. Now, they're all red and painful. It's a psychological condition known as Dermatillomania. It's in the same family as trichotillomania, the condition where a person can't stop pulling out their hair, even when they develop bald patches. We (myself and the doc) aren't quite sure yet how to treat it, but the Effexor should help for now. Plus I'm on antibiotics for the infection, hoping that once the existing spots heal, the urge to pick will lessen. Right now, I'm just trying to keep busy so I'm not tempted to sit down and make things worse. Hence, cookies, and cleaning, and unpacking.
It's kinda nice to be home. I get the house to myself most of the day, so I can sleep in, and I can do laundry for mom… We're working on my neatness habits (it's like finishing school all over again!) so I don't make Mike crazy next year. The laundry thing I've gotten the hang of, especially since I don't have to carry the stuff up and down stairs, or pay $1.50 per load… And I'm getting better at the dishes thing… my room's still a stumbling block, mostly because I'm sorting through 3 years worth of old papers right now, then unpacking clothes. But I'll get through it. It'll just take time.
I start work next week. Afternoons, 3-11pm. It shouldn't be too bad, actually. I like Afternoon, because that's the block of time I'm most awake in. I'm on the shift that I like too, which is nice.
It's raining here today. And it's kinda cold. And grey. Pretty dismal, actually. I'm looking forward to the nicer weather coming back. I have an herb garden out back which needs tending. A note to all you gardeners out there: Don't ever plant Mint near anything. Ever. It takes over whatever you plant it in, and chokes everything else out. I have a beautiful oregano bush, and some lovely lavender, but the mint totally overtakes it if you leave it more than a week without a trim. I think that when I move into Mikes, I'm going to have little pots of herbs in my room, a little sprig of oregano, basil and maybe some lavender… just to smell nice. I'll have room for it too. And I think the dog's a bit depressed. She likes it that I'm home, but usually we go for walks around the yard when we go to get the mail, and it's been too cold and wet the last few days to do that. Poor thing.
Rain, Rain, go away.
I'm currently making cookies. Oatmeal Chocolate Chip with Coconut. I'm doing it for 2 reasons: one, because I have an insane amount of cooking supplies that I brought home from North Bay that I need to make use of, and two, because it keeps my hands busy.
I went to the doctor's yesterday to get my Effexor refilled, and finally managed to gather the courage to talk to her about the…spots on my chest. Most of you know about them. It's a skin condition, or so I say. Really, it's only minor (very minor) acne. But it's what I do to it that makes it look like it does now. I can't stop picking at them. I know, it's gross, but I can't help it. I know I'm causing a lot of damage (most of them are infected), but I just can't stop myself. I'll spend hours squeezing and pulling off scabs so they can't heal. Now, they're all red and painful. It's a psychological condition known as Dermatillomania. It's in the same family as trichotillomania, the condition where a person can't stop pulling out their hair, even when they develop bald patches. We (myself and the doc) aren't quite sure yet how to treat it, but the Effexor should help for now. Plus I'm on antibiotics for the infection, hoping that once the existing spots heal, the urge to pick will lessen. Right now, I'm just trying to keep busy so I'm not tempted to sit down and make things worse. Hence, cookies, and cleaning, and unpacking.
It's kinda nice to be home. I get the house to myself most of the day, so I can sleep in, and I can do laundry for mom… We're working on my neatness habits (it's like finishing school all over again!) so I don't make Mike crazy next year. The laundry thing I've gotten the hang of, especially since I don't have to carry the stuff up and down stairs, or pay $1.50 per load… And I'm getting better at the dishes thing… my room's still a stumbling block, mostly because I'm sorting through 3 years worth of old papers right now, then unpacking clothes. But I'll get through it. It'll just take time.
I start work next week. Afternoons, 3-11pm. It shouldn't be too bad, actually. I like Afternoon, because that's the block of time I'm most awake in. I'm on the shift that I like too, which is nice.
It's raining here today. And it's kinda cold. And grey. Pretty dismal, actually. I'm looking forward to the nicer weather coming back. I have an herb garden out back which needs tending. A note to all you gardeners out there: Don't ever plant Mint near anything. Ever. It takes over whatever you plant it in, and chokes everything else out. I have a beautiful oregano bush, and some lovely lavender, but the mint totally overtakes it if you leave it more than a week without a trim. I think that when I move into Mikes, I'm going to have little pots of herbs in my room, a little sprig of oregano, basil and maybe some lavender… just to smell nice. I'll have room for it too. And I think the dog's a bit depressed. She likes it that I'm home, but usually we go for walks around the yard when we go to get the mail, and it's been too cold and wet the last few days to do that. Poor thing.
Rain, Rain, go away.
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