Last call...

The bars closed an hour ago. Three floors below me, drunken university students are now stumbling home after a night promoting the country stylings of "Save a horse, ride a Cowboy!" Whoever is in the room directly below me is blasting something with a droning, nauseating baseline, and my roomate has just staggered in again, and doesn't realize how loud she's being. There was a time when I wanted to be a part of that scene: party girl in all the pictures; a legend on my own campus. Now, I seem to prefer the quieter venture of a glass of cheap raspberry wine and flash animations. The last call I recieved tonight was from a friend, asking me to join him at the Country Pub. I declined. I had more fun at Heather's with Sarah rolling up D&D characters than I ever could have watching first years drink themselves stupid to the tune of twanging guitars.

Today revealed a lot. First, that friendships are tricky devils: they appear out of nowhere, and somehow manage to slip under the radar and into our lives. I realize now that I can't remember how I met most of my friends. They just kinda slipped in. It's a pleasent thought, really. knowing that those people who've created some of my most treasured memories, whether they be RPGing with bad coffee on a Friday night, Opening night of so many plays, or sitting in a coffee house discussing life in general, just slid into my life, as much, I suspect, as I slid into theirs.

Second, and this is the more unfortunate one, is the other meaning of "Last call..." I made a choice today, regarding one of my best friends. I had been playing his keeper, and it appeared that almost everyone, including his professors, had given up faith in him. This morning, I lost faith. Sometimes, no matter how good their intentions, people take too much from you, without offering or providing enough in return. In Antony and Cleopatra, the play we're studying, my professor highlighted that relationships are a matter of balance: take something, and you will be expected to return it. That is the basis of a friendship. Take my time, my energy, my encouragement, my persistance... eventually, I will ask you to return it. This friend, it seems, cannot return enough of what I've provided. At the advice of many people that I trust, I've decided to stop. His self destructive behaviour is unfair to himself, and to me; he refuses to do more than float through life, blaming everyone and anything else for his problems. It appears that Tough Love is the only thing that will get through to him. My problem, the one I'd been unable to get by until tonight, was that I was afraid that if I walked away from him, if I pulled free and left him to his own devices, he would only get worse. Now I realize that I'm right. He will. But I have to move past that. I can't let him drag me down with him. It is amazingly painful to watch someone you love come apart. I see now, that the more I tried to help him, the more he resisted, for whatever reason, and this has made him...worse. Physically, Emotionally, Academically, he has given up on himself, relying only on my faith, his girlfriend's faith, and what pride he has left, to prop himself up. I hope that removing myself from this will help him to see how much. And I hope that I can do it. I hope that I can rid myself of this addictivly "toxic friendship" before I become worse. I have become too dependant on others. I know I've said this before, but now, more and more, it's getting worse. It has to stop.

Tomorrow will tell. Tomorrow is his last chance to prove to me that he is salvageable. And it will be my first chance to prove my will, either way.