Newly Different

I tried to update last night but the box froze. Go figure...

Anyways, I haven't posted in a while. I know I just started, but I felt I needed a break. This thing had kinda started out on a negative note, and that wasn't the original intent. I've decided to start over. Sort of. The issues I discussed before haven't really gone away, they're just... not as pressing as they once were.

I'm trying to make some changes in my life. I've noticed that I'm not where I could/should be. My grades are too low for me to do anything with my degree once I get it, and I can't do much to get them high enough for... Well, I've decided that maybe I was right all along. maybe I should teach. But now that I've finally made that decision, I'm finding out that my average is just too low for that to happen, and I don't have any real experiance teaching. So, I've decided that I'm going to try. I'm going to do my best to bring my grades up as high as I can, and see where I wind up.

Also, I'm looking at some aspects of my life, and I'm realizing that I'm losing control of myself. i'm gaining weight. I don't look healthy anymore. In the shower this morning, I could literally feel my muscles begging for more work... as though they can tolerate more stress, but I'm not putting them up to the challenge. I've decided to start going to the gym again. And drinking more water. I think I'm overly dehydrated.

I've been re-evaluating my personal life too. I think I'm afraid. I'm afraid of looking for anyone else, because I'm afraid I'll forget about... well, that one person. And I'm afraid of putting myself out there again. I hate looking for new people. It's frightening, and it's...unsafe? uncomfortable, I suppose. And frustrating, too. Every time I meet someone, it feels like someone else falls away.

I don't know how to fix all of these things, but I'm going to try. Something told me a while ago that this would be my year... I think maybe I should be looking at 2005. I've tried asking for help, and obviously recieved none. It's time to re-discover my independance, and start closing off some of the vines into my life that I've opened. It's time to grow up.