January 4, 2010

I don't really want to leave the house today. It's cold, and snowing, and the outside world is cold and unfriendly. Relly doesn't want me to go out either, but I think it's come to the point where I have no choice.

I had a dream last night about lunch meats and sandwiches. I hate dreaming about food, because then I wake up hungry. But yes, I've come to the point that I can no longer live on plain pasta, I must go to Wal Mart to forrage for food.

Adam's taking me after work. I've been reading some inspiring stuff recently from recovering addicts. Alcoholics, Drug Addicts, Sex and Love addicts and Food Addicts. I've been reading about Fat Acceptance and learning to like yourself. I've also been communicating with the EAP therapist I had a while ago (turns out because our session was in progress, I could keep working with her even after I left). She tells me that what I'm feeling now is a lot like a bad break-up, and it is. The past became a part of my identity, and now I've lost that. I have to rebuild, and honestly, I'm not good at rebuilding. I'm not good at moving on. I know a lot of people who will agree. But it's a new year.

I hate to sound cliched, but it is a new year. One Step At a Time. And it all starts with something small.

I want to share with you something I really enjoyed from Becoming Jennie, a personal blog for Jennie Ketcham, formerly known as Porn Star Penny Flame. She was a Sex and Love addict, an alcoholic, and a "hot mess" in her words. Now, she's turning her life around. I enjoy her writing and her art, but also her philosophy on rolling with the punches.

Here's a couple of snippits strung together from a post called "Porn Made Me Do It" from May 5, 2009:

I mean, I can’t even say God in the serenity prayer in AA. I replace it with the word gravity. Gravity is my higher power. It is stronger than me and certainly more consistent [...] The revelations I am experiencing have nothing to do with God, or crazy Shelly, they have to do with ME. And only ME. And maybe gravity.
I like her train of thought. The things she learns and her actions are hers. This is something I'm trained to teach, owning your feelings and thoughts and behaviours, but it`s something I`m very bad at doing myself. I own EVERYTHING, usually other people`s stuff, so mich that I can`t own what`s mine.

Today, and a lot of last night, I realized that I needed something to keep me from spinning, and somehow I found courage and solace in this:
Grant me the serenity;
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage, to change the things I can;
And the wisdom, to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Just for today.
God or Gravity, it doesn't matter. What matters is the one day at a time bit.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The photo of Relly is so cute, the perfect Kitty pic.
Sounds like you are doing some soul searching. Take it slow and know that I am always here if you need to chat.
You are very special, I have faith that you will find peace.
I love you and Relly to.