January 4, 2009

Sunday Bloody Sunday...

I'm here on McNamara. Adam is sleeping peacefully on the couch, McLovin is playing an invisible... something on the floor next to the couch, Colleen just totally bailed on going to the pet rescue with me because aparently katie and jamie are more fun, and I'm feeling lonely. The only reason I'm still sitting here, patiently waiting like a good girl, is because Adam asked me to take him grocery shopping. He was going to wait until I got back to the rescue. I didn't want to go alone, so I stayed here, feeling like a loser. He's sleeping and I'm waiting.

Like a well trained dog.

Funny thing that... I sit and wait. Follow my masters wherever they ask that I go. I fetch. I go get it. I defend my friends, and when my masters leave me for better things, rather than try to go to, or bark for attention, I sit patiently and wait or their return.

The other night Adam and I talked about how disorganized I feel, and how everything seems so immediate. I'm not sure that was it. See, something's been missing for a while. People are around me and that's great, but ever since this whole thing with Adam started I've been feeling more and more... lonely. Katie and Colleen treat me like "Adam's girlfriend" instead of like their friend (which was what I was first). People assume that when he's invited somewhere, they don't have to invite me because I'll just go with him.

This, EXACTLY this, is why I didn't want to start a relationship with Adam in the first place. I didn't want to be seen as someone's attatchment, someone's +1. I never, NEVER wanted to lose my independance like that. And now, low and behold, I have anyways.

It's getting darker. It's probably only 4:30 or something, but still it feels like I've been on hold for hours. On hold. Waiting.

I hate this guilt that I carry around. I HATE that people make me feel bad about being a jerk when I need time, and when They need time, they make me feel bad for wanting to spend time with them. I feel like everything I do I should feel bad for. Be a good person? BANG, shot down. Be a bad girl for one night? BANG, guilt guilt guilt. Want alone time? BANG your anticocial. Want to hang out with people? BANG your being needy and creepy. BANG BANG BANG BANG... it's like I can't move without getting smacked.

It's still getting darker. Adam's still sleeping. I'm still waiting. McLovin's sleeping too. I feel drained and heavy at the same time.

And as cold and dark as it gets, I keep thinking about all the time I've faught back, and decided, No way man, no more, not gonna be another Door Mat.


Maybe this time I'll just lay down and take it. I'll just keep letting people walk on me and leave me lonely.

...Give the comments 5 minutes, and you'll see it... BANG BANG BANG...

That's it, keep snowing. Bury us all.

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