I don't want to say too much on what's going on right now, because I"m still working things out... It's going to be a while before there's a straight answer on this one.
I broke up with Nathan on Saturday morning. I haven't been happy in a while, and both of us have changed, not necessarily for the better. I was relativly fine with the way things ended for me: It's not that I'm looking for another relationship... I'm actually kinda wanting to be alone. I was at least.
Saturday night, I went to the cottage with Mom and Dad. I knew I'd made the right decision for what I needed at the time, but I still felt like something was coming undone... something wasn't right. I felt horrible for what I did to him, but I didn't feel bad that the relationship was over... frankly, I didn't feel much of anything.
This afternoon when Nathan and I talked (we had agreed to remain friends), he told me that he couldn't do it (be friends)... or rather end the relationship... something. It was all too much. But I had already made my decision. We're back together.
Things have definatly changed though. No more calls, no more flowers sent to the house. He's going to start being with his friends, and he wants me to be able to go out alone without feeling gulity. I know I've said these things before, but he confessed that he didn't really follow through last time: he knew he kept calling and coming over... he just thought it was a rough stage that would pass. He knows now that I can't take it, and that things are going to have to change, no second chances this time.
Of course, things are better. He is ok with everything now... Nothing really changed for me. I still don't really feel anything either way. I was terrified this morning when my sister told me that there had been a call for me, that Nathan had done something, but other than that, I just feel... I feel like a Zombie. I feel like I'm moving through life and right now I've got nothing but routine. I feel like I'm under a grill press. I can't breathe without thinking about how it will effect others, and I hate that. I want to just give it all up and walk away.
I think about Todd more now than I have been. Not romantically at all (I haven't thought like that in a long time about anyone), but now I can understand why he did what he did. I can understand why he felt nothing about using women or hurting them: he was experiancing life without guilt. He was taking what he wanted, and when he didn't want it anymore, he built the scar tissue enough within himself that he could just walk. And then, once he grew up and decided to become himself, and not worry so much about women, he left. And I'm sure... I hope he's more settled now. I wish I could tell him that I understand now.
I'm really feeling out of sorts right now. It may be the emotional rollercoaster that was this weekend, or the knowledge that I have to be awake at 5am tomorrow morning and I didn't sleep at all last night, or it could be the fact that I made it through half of White Oleander while lying in the sun, and now I look like a lobster. I don't know.
I feel like I don't know anything anymore.