Humbug

I think Christmas for Sparky has been cancelled.

I feel like I have lost the Christmas spirit: I have nothing left to give, and everything I've been recieving recently has been negative. Good Will towards men has been replaced by criticism and tears. Christmas is a time to be spent with family, but I don't want to go home. I don't want to see my sister upset, or my dad angry with her about her choices. I don't want to deal with the fact that I have to hide my failures from him, or else his feelings about me as an airhead and a loser will be verified. My family does not accept failure well. I don't want to feel the tension resonating from my mother, and know that I'm partly to blame for it.

Most importantly, I don't want to wake up on December 25 to a full stocking and presents under the tree, because I don't deserve them. I failed Romance. I lost 3 credits, and it's those simple 3 credits that will stop me from graduating this year. It hurts horribly to know that if only I'd have tried harder, I would not only have those credits, but a decent grade to boot. I actually offended Prof. Plumstead by handing in that poor excuse for a paper; I'd have been better not handing anything in at all. And that's what I deserve: punishment for dicking around for the last 2 months on things like work and charity. I should have been focusing on my academic success and nothing else. That was the original plan, things just changed.

I feel like my body is full of cement, and I don't want to do anything. for the last three nights, Nathan has had to hold me while I cried inconsolably. I don't think I can do this anymore: it's hurting him, and hurting me more.

Well, I catch the bus tomorrow at 6am. I'll be in Toronto by 11.15, and home before 6pm.

Merry Christmas, indeed.